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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being Unreasonable with regards to my stepdaughter & her wife

249 replies

Waters1975 · 30/06/2019 20:13

Am I being unreasonable for thinking this is just rude ! My stepdaughter who is 26 has just come to stay for the weekend with her wife. When they arrived they immediately went through our kitchen cupboards to see what food we had & to see if it was suitable for them . They then proceeded to say that they were going to the supermarket to get some things . They returned back with a couple of bags and were whispering in the hall way and swapping bits about . One went upstairs with a bag and the other cane to fridge & put in an apple juice & a bottle of cherry coke. A loaf of bread & a bag was left on the side. That evening we cooked them dinner and then one went to the fridge got 2 glasses out & poured themselves a coke each. After dinner ( no offer of help with the clearing up ). One went upstairs & came back down with a bag of sweets hidden in her pocket. They sat there secretly eating these sweets thinking we had not noticed. My husband & I have 3 children of our own who I have treats in the cupboard for so one of mine asked if they could have some as obviously felt like they were missing out. The next evening we were sitting there and the wife came out with a half eaten bag of Doritos with a peg on them to keep them fresh . She sat there eating some & then put the peg on and put them away again with no offer of any for us or the children . ( This was after we had been out in the day & treated them to lunch). They have stayed in our home all weekend , not paid a penny not offered with anything & then hidden food they have bought even though they have had breakfast , lunch & dinners here incl a meal out .I would never dream of requesting any money or accepting any if they have made the effort to come & see us but I find this behaviour very strange & basically rude ! Just wondered what anyone else thoughts are on this. My husband ( his daughter ) just says they are very odd & annoying but doesn’t say anything to them .

OP posts:
Original poster
Waters1975 · 30/06/2019 20:59

Interesting responses . I would just like to point out that this was just put out there to see what people thought . I am never horrible to my step children ( I've known them since they were 4 & 2 years of age ) they still want to visit us at age 26 so I can't be that bad . I would never say anything to them about what I think ( even if I find some behaviour odd ) as I would not want them to stop coming . Believe it or not I do love them dearly I just found this weekend exceptionally hard work but hey ho that's parenting . I did go out and buy special things for them that I knew they liked from last time but then they said that they don't eat some of the things anymore that I bought. No problem with them bringing or buying their own things but don't hide them surely that's just good manners . Different if they were vegan or had allergies & they could only eat certain things but that is not the case. I just hope that my boys have respect & manners for their in-laws when they grown up & go to visit .

OP posts:
skybluee · 30/06/2019 20:59

She's his daughter... I don't think it's that outrageous. I'd just say something at the time if it was an issue? Like ooh can I have one? When she's eating the sweets. Maybe they're hiding them as they don't want to offend you.

You sound like you resent giving them food the way you've listed it.

Drum2018 · 30/06/2019 21:06

Yes it's odd. To buy food, bring it to their room, try to eat it sneakily so other kids won't notice - it's just childish if they were kids, but otherwise it's downright rude.

SunniDay · 30/06/2019 21:07

It sounds like they just revert to childhood when visiting. If they were 15 you would say "if you are going to eat sweets in front of the other children you need to share them" but too awkward as they are adults that you would expect to have manners.

I'd let it wash over you - not worth any aggro. Have some snacks "hidden" away and when they crack open their sweets, crisps, pop have some lovely ones for your kids. If they want some of yours you might get away with a passive aggressive "oh we're sharing now are we?"

sewinginscotland · 30/06/2019 21:12

That's really weird. If either of them had specific dietry requirements, then why all the secrecy? Not that I can think of any diet that requires sweets and Doritos. Like other people said, they're your husband's daughter/daughter in law and should treat the house like her home, but part of that is sharing with everyone else there?

They were acting like 5 year olds.

SavingSpaces2019 · 30/06/2019 21:13

well if you never say anything to them because you're scared a 26 yr old who you allegedly 'get on well' with would stop visiting, then it's no wonder they take the piss out of you and your home.
Her dad has obviously enabled this behaviour over the years and you've been forced to accept it - doesn't seem like he has much respect for you either.

OstrichRunning · 30/06/2019 21:17

I also agree with you, op. The checking labels etc seems weirdly cold, solely because they didn't offer an explanation or anything. And definitely it's bad manners to try to hide snacks like that, not share and not offer to help ever. I'd find that very off putting tbh. Specifically, I suppose, the lack of communication. It's a bit disrespectful in my view - ok maybe at 18 but not at 26.

IncrediblySadToo · 30/06/2019 21:17

Weird and really rude

Ksneakily eating sweets and nitbiffering you it DH 1 is well weird. As is snaffling Doritos and nit sharing

I’ve stayed places where I’ve been hungry and bought snacks for myself but I’ve always shared them (or sometimes eaten them in my room (if it seemed a criticism of their hosting to have brought food)

I hope they don’t visit too often their behaviour would really annoy me

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/06/2019 21:18

Very rude!

Especially the sneaking sweets etc into their mouths and not offering any to anyone else.

If it happens again I would put on a teacher voice and say "I hope you've brought enough for all of us, X and Y."

Or openly say to your own children - "Do you fancy some sweets? Come on - we'll get some out of the treat box!" You could even add "Do you two want some, or is that 5 kg bag of Haribo you've hidden behind the cushion enough for you?"

OstrichRunning · 30/06/2019 21:18

but agree with pps that it's not worth the hassle of saying anything. Choose your battles and all that.

FreeFreesia · 30/06/2019 21:20

Your stepdaughter is just behaving the way people do in their parents’ homes. She’s not a guest. It would be a bit weird for a guest not to be more formal and polite, but it’s her dad’s house.

You might check the cupboard for a snack but seriously hide food in the bedroom & then not offer it to all when eating in the same room? At 26?

thedevondumpling · 30/06/2019 21:22

Some people have low standards. If my DD, late 20s, was sneaking about with snacks and not offering them round I'd tell her to behave herself. If I go to her house and go to the supermarket for something I or DH like I always ask her and her husband if they need/want anything and if I buy cakes/sweets/chocolate or something I always buy enough to share.

HereForAdvice2019 · 30/06/2019 21:26

I always walk into my parents house and help myself. So do my siblings.. Altho we never stay as they're a 5.min drive away. My kids and nieces and nephews do the same.
But if I took anything I'd offer it around..
They can also come to mine and do the same

Purplejay · 30/06/2019 21:26

Its rude not to offer to share when you are all sat together but other than that you SD is just acting like a child acts in their parents house, going in the fridge, buying own snacks etc no problem.

Has she stayed before? Given you have been together a long time it seems a bit strange you expect her to behave just as a guest and not as her fathers daughter and part of the family.

Sceptre86 · 30/06/2019 21:27

They sound rude and your dh should be pulling them up for it. My mum never let's me cook when I go home to stay but I will tidy, run the hoover round and wash dishes as part of the course. They are my family why would I not bother to help? My mum normally always gets in bits for my kids eg. yoghurts and cereals but I buy all other snacks. If we go to buy groceries I will check if she needs anything and always bring flowers or a gift when I come to stay. At 26 your sd and her wife should know how to behave and if they are being rude in your home I would absolutely call them out on it. Fancy getting treats for themselves and then not even offering them to their siblings! Yanbu, this would annoy me too.

Malvinaa81 · 30/06/2019 21:28

It must only be me but going into someone's fridge when you arrive at their house (yes OK a parent's fridge and that seems to make it OK to some) is really quite odd.

I would on no occasion accept a guest going through my fridges (I have a few), and indeed no one has ever had the bad manners to attempt to do so, including siblings, and parents.

And where did the clothes peg come from on the bag of snacks?

Do they travel with one, or was it from one of your cupboards which they were also investigating?

So YANBU.

scaryteacher · 30/06/2019 21:28

It was extremely rude. I would be put out if my Mum started checking what was in my cupboards and vice versa.

As ds currently lives at home and shares the cooking, he can rootle through my cupboards, but I wouldn't expect him to do so once he has his own place.

Leeds2 · 30/06/2019 21:35

I think they sound really rude. I would have no issue with them checking out what snacks I had before going out to buy what they wanted, but I would expect them to offer to share. Especially when they had no problems accepting your hospitality in paying for things like a meal out.

DishingOutDone · 30/06/2019 21:36

So all those posters defending the DSD and her wife - what are the OP's actual children meant to do when all this is going on, sit there watching this pair scoff snacks whilst all the time remembering that only the DSD is entitled?

Sounds like OP has gone out of her way to welcome them, and no one in their right mind would sit in their parents' house stuffing their faces with crisps and sweets whilst everyone else had to sit and watch. Beyond fucking rude. it seems a bit strange you expect her to behave just as a guest and not as her fathers daughter and part of the family - it seems even stranger that she is allowed to carry on like this whether she's a guest, family or in her own home!

herculepoirot2 · 30/06/2019 21:37

You might check the cupboard for a snack but seriously hide food in the bedroom & then not offer it to all when eating in the same room? At 26?

It depends how hungry I was. No, probably I wouldn’t, but then I wouldn’t expect starvation...

BoudicasBoudoir · 30/06/2019 21:41

I do think they were weird, and rude. Mainly by not offering to share what they had bought. I would never buy snacks or drinks for myself at my mum’s house without offering her any. And of course they should pitch in to help.

findingmyfeet12 · 30/06/2019 21:43

I think that the rooting through the cupboards is really dependent on your family dynamic and culture.

My parents love their adult children coming "home" and rooting through cupboards and generally behaving like they still live there.

Similarly my siblings and I have no problem behaving like this over food in each other's homes. We help ourselves and moan when the other hasn't got anything nice in.

I do think that hiding snacks and eating them in front of children is very rude however.

floraloctopus · 30/06/2019 21:44

They are very rude to go to the fridge and not ask if you want a drink while they are there.

Surfskatefamily · 30/06/2019 21:47

I'd have checked at my mum or dad's house because they eat wildly different food to me. Neither of them or my dad's wife would be offended

Tho I would offer them any of my snacks..people are all a bit different tho I guess

SavingSpaces2019 · 30/06/2019 21:50

She’s not a guest
Yet she behaves like a rude, entitled one.
My narc sister moved away for Uni, she used to say she was a 'guest' now because she'd moved out - and then expected everyone to run around after her making her endless cups of tea, cooking, cleaning, basically behaving like DSD.
Yet during the summer holidays she would throw me out of my bedroom and take it over because "this is my home and i'm the eldest".
Funny how they can pick and choose when they are 'family' and when they are 'guests'.

My parents were pretty much like DSD dad with the excuses and enabling.

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