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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take phone call from DS while on a short break with DP?

160 replies

notlyndasnell · 30/06/2019 19:15

DP (not the father of my 2DSs) and I were abroad for a few weeks on a family matter and decided to go on a short break. While we were there, DS1 (23) called one evening for a chat about his housing situation. He tends to call once a week on average, usually during the period between getting home from work and eating dinner. He works long hours in London and tends to go to bed soon after eating due to getting up at stupid o'clock. He was aware that DP and I had gone abroad but not that we were on a short break.
This particular call came as DP and I were preparing our dinner. I had finished preparing the bits I was doing and DP was about to spend 5-10 minutes preparing his share. When my phone rang I said "Oh, it's DS1", looked at DP and went to another room. (DP does not like to have other people's telephone conversations inflicted on him.) The call lasted just over 11 minutes. 10 minutes into my conversation with DS, DP came into the room, clearly very unhappy, and told me the food I had started to prepare was burning, and his was nearly ready, and he didn't know what to do.
I told DS I had to go and went to rescue our dinner. DP and I then had a huge argument because:
a) I took the call at a time that was very inconvenient
b) I should have said: "Oh, it's DS1 – would you mind if I speak to him?" (In my world, looking at DP when taking the call was non-verbal communication for "Is that OK?")
c) DS1 is rude and inconsiderate for calling me while we are relaxing on a short break (DP claims his DCs would never intrude like this)
d) And anyway, he should not be calling while we are preparing dinner or eating
I am pleased that my son makes the effort to stay in touch and I would talk to him if I was half-way up a mountain. Agreed, calling during dinner time is not ideal but DS wasn't to know what we were doing when he called.
Bit more background: DP and I don't live together but I spend a lot of time at his house. He has complained about DS's rude behaviour on numerous occasions. I'm biased, of course, but consensus among my friends is that both my DSs are polite and well-adjusted young men.
So, AIBU or is DP overreacting? Thank you Smile

OP posts:
notgivingin78910 · 30/06/2019 19:17

I think you should leave him.

AudacityOfHope · 30/06/2019 19:18

Your partner sounds like an extreme nit picker. Nobody would be telling me when I was allowed to speak to my children. He couldn't have taken the food off the heat for two minutes? Well of course he could have, but he'd rather punish you.

Is he really your 'D' p??

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 30/06/2019 19:18

I personally would have called him back later but your dp reaction was ott and smacks of jealousy. So what do you want to do?

HavelockVetinari · 30/06/2019 19:19

He was cross because you spoke to your DS for ten flipping minutes? Confused If you were mid-meal or mid-shag I'd agree with him, but you were just faffing about cooking!

He sounds weird.

FriarTuck · 30/06/2019 19:21

Well we don't know if the food would have been spoiled by taking it off the heat & DP had no idea how long the call would be, plus OP could have answered it and explained that you were about to eat and she'd call back another more convenient time. So I'm actually with DP on that. You're supposed to be on a break with him so put the phone down.

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord · 30/06/2019 19:21

This would be a red flag in a relationship for me.

Your DP is a childish twunt.

He could have stopped your food from burning easily.

He knows when your son likes to call. He should accept that.

TokyoSushi · 30/06/2019 19:21

Utterly ridiculous behaviour from your 'D' P

lopdedop · 30/06/2019 19:21

So he doesn't like sharing you? He sounds needy, attention seeking and controlling. Are there other examples of times when he's kicked up a stink when he's had the attention taken away from him?

AudacityOfHope · 30/06/2019 19:23

@FriarTuck are you honesty saying that if you're on holiday with someone you shouldn't speak to anyone else in your life??

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 30/06/2019 19:24

There is no joy to be had with this awful man. Dump him.

AdiosAdipose · 30/06/2019 19:25

There is no way I could be with someone who told me I should ask permission to answer my own phone.

unicorncupcake · 30/06/2019 19:26

20 years ago, just as I’d gone to university and before I had a mobile phone my parents were staying at my sister’s house and it was my mum’s birthday. I queued up at the payphone to wish her happy birthday. My BiL answered the phone and just said ‘we’re eating now, it’s not convenient’ and hung up on me. I cried and cried, they had no way of calling me back as I was living in halls of residence, and I was furious that he’d done that. It sounds melodramatic but I’ve never really forgiven him. (There have been many other incidents of irritating behaviour over the years) Family comes first. A everyday meal is neither here nor there.

Celebelly · 30/06/2019 19:26

Ugh, he sounds totally over dramatic and just a bit odd. If it was really something that was going to be spoiled in a matter of minutes then he could have popped his head in and said, but it sounds like he's just being totally OTT about it. No one should need to ask permission to answer their phone to their son or daughter.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 30/06/2019 19:26

He sounds really controlling and rigid to me. Is he like this about other things? Because it seems like he's constructing "rules" to put you in the wrong any time your attention is on someone other than him.

I would expect a normal partner to cope with taking food off the heat himself if it started burning, to be glad I and my son had connected, and to ask "so, how's DS?" on finishing my call, not have a tantrum.

SummerCharl · 30/06/2019 19:26

Personally, I'd have explained I was prepping dinner and said a quick hi. Maybe offered to call back after dinner or the next evening.

But your partner's reaction was way over the top - especially the bit about no-one calling while you are on a short break. Seems very possessive to me.

Hoppinggreen · 30/06/2019 19:27

He resents your children, is it worth it?

negomi90 · 30/06/2019 19:27

I could see him being grumpy about delaying dinner. You could have told ds you'd call him back in 20 mins.
But your ds did nothing wrong - he didn't know about the time you were eating.
It is not rude to call a parent for a chat when they are on a romantic break. Even a romantic holiday can still cope with a couple of phone calls home (or talks to someone important outside of coupledom).
You shouldn't need to ask permission to talk to someone.

Original poster
notlyndasnell · 30/06/2019 19:29

Thank you all for your comments. I totally agree, I could have called DS back.
However, your posts have confirmed to me what I have known for a long time (he is jealous, manipulative and controlling). Have decided to go away and stay with a friend for a week to clear my head and decide what to do.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/06/2019 19:31

Is he jealous you have a better relationship with your DC that he does with his?

He was a twat about the call. Don’t entertain his twattishness.

RuggerHug · 30/06/2019 19:31

He wanted you to ask his permission to speak to your son???

LTB.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 30/06/2019 19:32

Incidentally, does he have DC and if so what's his relationship with them like?

rosedream · 30/06/2019 19:32

I'm glad you've come to that conclusion.

Who wouldn't answer the phone to their child ?

Why would you need permission to talk to them ?

Why couldn't he sought your food ?

Why was your son being rude ?

Red flag !!

apostropheuse · 30/06/2019 19:34

Your DP is an arse, who's jealous of your children. You should be able to speak to your son at any time you want.

I wouldn't be with such a controlling git.

Ponoka7 · 30/06/2019 19:34

He's overreacting.

I wouldn't date someone who tried to impose those rules.

YouJustDoYou · 30/06/2019 19:34

Nothing would stop me from speaking to my child, having one of mine died already. Jesus, a 10 minute call with your son, and your "d"p is shitting on you for that? Fuck that. Fuck him. How DARE he.