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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take phone call from DS while on a short break with DP?

160 replies

notlyndasnell · 30/06/2019 19:15

DP (not the father of my 2DSs) and I were abroad for a few weeks on a family matter and decided to go on a short break. While we were there, DS1 (23) called one evening for a chat about his housing situation. He tends to call once a week on average, usually during the period between getting home from work and eating dinner. He works long hours in London and tends to go to bed soon after eating due to getting up at stupid o'clock. He was aware that DP and I had gone abroad but not that we were on a short break.
This particular call came as DP and I were preparing our dinner. I had finished preparing the bits I was doing and DP was about to spend 5-10 minutes preparing his share. When my phone rang I said "Oh, it's DS1", looked at DP and went to another room. (DP does not like to have other people's telephone conversations inflicted on him.) The call lasted just over 11 minutes. 10 minutes into my conversation with DS, DP came into the room, clearly very unhappy, and told me the food I had started to prepare was burning, and his was nearly ready, and he didn't know what to do.
I told DS I had to go and went to rescue our dinner. DP and I then had a huge argument because:
a) I took the call at a time that was very inconvenient
b) I should have said: "Oh, it's DS1 – would you mind if I speak to him?" (In my world, looking at DP when taking the call was non-verbal communication for "Is that OK?")
c) DS1 is rude and inconsiderate for calling me while we are relaxing on a short break (DP claims his DCs would never intrude like this)
d) And anyway, he should not be calling while we are preparing dinner or eating
I am pleased that my son makes the effort to stay in touch and I would talk to him if I was half-way up a mountain. Agreed, calling during dinner time is not ideal but DS wasn't to know what we were doing when he called.
Bit more background: DP and I don't live together but I spend a lot of time at his house. He has complained about DS's rude behaviour on numerous occasions. I'm biased, of course, but consensus among my friends is that both my DSs are polite and well-adjusted young men.
So, AIBU or is DP overreacting? Thank you Smile

OP posts:
notacooldad · 30/06/2019 20:54

Yes, when you're on holiday with someone for a short break and you're in the middle of something together then actually I do think you don't need to be attached to your phone

Bloody hell!! what an attitude.
I'm glad that I answered my phone to Ds1 when I was on a romantic shortbreak last October.
He phoned to say that DS2 had been in a car accident and that he was with him and everthing was ok ( clearly things weren't ok but he was doing his best to reassure me!)
I'd never refuse a phone call from my sons because it makes a partner grumpy. Sod that idea!!!

Vulpine · 30/06/2019 20:56

If it was 'just an 11 minute call' why couldn't it wait till after dinner? I really can't see why a grown up child cant wait

MRex · 30/06/2019 20:56

Nobody ever comes before your child. You need to give them a couple of minutes to make sure everything is actually ok. You probably should have agreed after a few minutes when to call him back or taken a break from the call to give "D"P a time for dinner. He definitely didn't need to burn the food though, he didn't need to be rude when you were still on the phone and there's never a need to argue so nastily afterwards. If your instinct is to move on then it's best to listen to it.

gingerbiscuits · 30/06/2019 20:57

Sorry, but your partner is a massive, immature twat!!

NeckPainChairSearch · 30/06/2019 21:04

If it was 'just an 11 minute call' why couldn't it wait till after dinner? I really can't see why a grown up child cant wait

Yes. That's the issue identified right there.

Hmm
TheFairyCaravan · 30/06/2019 21:21

He's an absolute prick and I'm pleased that you've decided to go stay with a friend.

I've got 2 DSes, 24&22, no one stops me speaking to them whatever time of the day or night. Last September me and DH were on holiday abroad when DS2 text to tell me he'd finally found a house to tent but needed proof of our address etc to act as a guarantor. It was about 11.30pm and DH was sleeping but I was scurrying about in the dark finding my ipad so I could download stuff to email it to him. No way was I going to say "I'm on my holidays, matey, I'll do it when I'm back!"

Good luck with whatever you decide to do OP, you sound like you've got a lovely relationship with your boys.

IHateUncleJamie · 30/06/2019 21:24

Wow, way to miss the point, Vulpine.

b)I should have said: "Oh, it's DS1 – would you mind if I speak to him?"

Is he your Dad or your partner, @notlyndasnell? You are a grown woman. You do not need to ask anyone’s permission to speak to your own child.

Red flags all over the place here.

chuttypicks · 30/06/2019 21:28

Your DP is a 🐔. Why should you have to ask his permission to take a call?! That's nuts.

Blondebombsite83 · 30/06/2019 21:36

Imagine if you had young grandchildren and they wanted to FaceTime. Would he resent them too? He’s a twat. Move on.

ZaZathecat · 30/06/2019 21:36

He was BU. I would always take a call from my DC, no man is going to decide if I can or not.

itbemay1 · 30/06/2019 21:37

He sounds awful. Sorry but he should have sorted the tea or turned it off and let you have your phone call. DC far more important.

Original poster
notlyndasnell · 30/06/2019 21:40

If it was 'just an 11 minute call' why couldn't it wait till after dinner? I really can't see why a grown up child cant wait

Totally agree. I could have handled it better. I should have called DS back after dinner. My issue is more with the fact that DP feels we shouldnt have been disturbed at all, and how he reacted and dealt with the situation.

Thanks again for all your supportive and constructive comments. I never dreamt that there would be so many! I do have a good relationship with my boys Smile.
I'm logging off now, almost in tears that so many total strangers have gone to the trouble of posting and offering advice and support. I would buy you all a Wine if I could!

OP posts:
NeckPainChairSearch · 30/06/2019 21:42

Totally agree. I could have handled it better. I should have called DS back after dinner

Eh? OP, ONE poster has said this. You did nothing wrong.

NeckPainChairSearch · 30/06/2019 21:45

Sorry posted too soon.

I'm baffled how you could read all of these replies and zero in on the ONE that says it's your fault.

I hope you take on board the advice given here - your partner's words and actions were completely abnormal. Most people wouldn't tolerate that.

redcupbluecup · 30/06/2019 21:46

Your OH is a dickhead. I would take a phone call if my child was 103 and it was the middle of the night. Your son is your priority. Yes he's an adult but who the fuck is this man to dictate when you can and can't talk to your child? Fuck that, he'd be gone.

Krisskrosskiss · 30/06/2019 21:47

Wow what a nutjob! I'm glad you've gone to stay with a friend.

I think you've got to ask yourself if you would ever in a million years react like that to him if he took a short phone call off his child when you were making dinner? I bet you wouldn't. No one reasonable would.

I think at the very very worst if I'd had a really bad day and was tired, I might be a touch annoyed and mumble under my breath about people ringing at inconvenient times being rude... and then I'd probably apologise for being ridiculous a few minutes later... because it is ridiculously moody and controlling.

I dont think theres any justification for him being annoyed and on top of that acting like hes in the right for being annoyed and acting like you've done some terribly rude disrespectful thing... that's massive gaslighting. Hes the one who overreacted to a perfectly normal event, he should be apologising to you.

But from what you say hes not going to because theres a bigger picture of this type of behaviour with him...
It does sound really manipulative and controlling and you must live like you are walking on eggshells.

I hope you find the strength to permanently leave him.

macaroniandpizza · 30/06/2019 21:51

Your partner sounds like a jealous tit

Gth1234 · 30/06/2019 21:52

@notlyndasnell

YABU. You should have said, "We are about to eat, call me in an hour. "

Your DP is not controlling. If anything you are allowing yourself to be controlled by your grown up son. Could he not wait? Why does he have to call you at reasonable times, and expect that you would make yourself available.

Maybe your DP could have took the meal off the cooker,. but maybe he's done that before (many times) and is a bit fed up of your inability to put yourself first.

Gth1234 · 30/06/2019 21:53

… call you at UNreasonable times … was what I meant.

You walked out on your DP over this?

NeckPainChairSearch · 30/06/2019 21:55

YABU. You should have said, "We are about to eat, call me in an hour

Why should she? She didn't want to. The OP wanted to speak with her son. She doesn't need permission.

Your DP is not controlling. If anything you are allowing yourself to be controlled by your grown up son

Crap. Are you the 'D'P here?

notacooldad · 30/06/2019 21:55

If it was 'just an 11 minute call' why couldn't it wait till after dinner? I really can't see why a grown up child cant wait
It's only 11 mins, that's a brief chat. If it had been 45 mins and he's sat at the table waiting fair enough but for just over 10 mins? The man is a clown!

Lalliella · 30/06/2019 21:57

Totally agree. I could have handled it better. I should have called DS back after dinner.

No way. DP is the one who could have handled it better, not you. Please don’t think this. He’s manipulating you into blaming yourself and trying to drive a wedge between you and DS. Red flags all over the place. Speaking to your DS is way more important than your sad petulant man-child of a partner’s dinner being a few minutes late.

Krisskrosskiss · 30/06/2019 21:57

@Gth1234 are you joking? Youd let your husband speak to you like that over a ten min phone call with your child would you?
And the op has said that this is not the only example of controlling behaviour her partner has shown.

Pantsomime · 30/06/2019 21:58

OP leave DP - Remember he knows what he’s like - I bet the good times are amazing coz they have to be to mask his control freakery, selfishness & immaturity. He’s a rubbish dad to his DCs as clearly life is all about him - DCs =1st every time unless you as parent feel otherwise. You should never stand in front of a phone wondering if answering it will cause a row with DP about who gets your attention. It’s a game he should never want to play & Indeed should never win!!

TheFairyCaravan · 30/06/2019 22:08

Your DP is not controlling. If anything you are allowing yourself to be controlled by your grown up son.

Are you on blue? Someone rang their mum, that's all. He's not controlling her. My kids ring whenever they want. DS2 is a nurse in A&E, he rings in the middle of the night if something really bad happens on a shift and he needs to talk. I'm his mum, he didn't stop needing me the day he turned 18.

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