Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take phone call from DS while on a short break with DP?

160 replies

notlyndasnell · 30/06/2019 19:15

DP (not the father of my 2DSs) and I were abroad for a few weeks on a family matter and decided to go on a short break. While we were there, DS1 (23) called one evening for a chat about his housing situation. He tends to call once a week on average, usually during the period between getting home from work and eating dinner. He works long hours in London and tends to go to bed soon after eating due to getting up at stupid o'clock. He was aware that DP and I had gone abroad but not that we were on a short break.
This particular call came as DP and I were preparing our dinner. I had finished preparing the bits I was doing and DP was about to spend 5-10 minutes preparing his share. When my phone rang I said "Oh, it's DS1", looked at DP and went to another room. (DP does not like to have other people's telephone conversations inflicted on him.) The call lasted just over 11 minutes. 10 minutes into my conversation with DS, DP came into the room, clearly very unhappy, and told me the food I had started to prepare was burning, and his was nearly ready, and he didn't know what to do.
I told DS I had to go and went to rescue our dinner. DP and I then had a huge argument because:
a) I took the call at a time that was very inconvenient
b) I should have said: "Oh, it's DS1 – would you mind if I speak to him?" (In my world, looking at DP when taking the call was non-verbal communication for "Is that OK?")
c) DS1 is rude and inconsiderate for calling me while we are relaxing on a short break (DP claims his DCs would never intrude like this)
d) And anyway, he should not be calling while we are preparing dinner or eating
I am pleased that my son makes the effort to stay in touch and I would talk to him if I was half-way up a mountain. Agreed, calling during dinner time is not ideal but DS wasn't to know what we were doing when he called.
Bit more background: DP and I don't live together but I spend a lot of time at his house. He has complained about DS's rude behaviour on numerous occasions. I'm biased, of course, but consensus among my friends is that both my DSs are polite and well-adjusted young men.
So, AIBU or is DP overreacting? Thank you Smile

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 30/06/2019 20:17

He's over dependent on you. He sees you as an object. He sees your children as 'the competition' for your attention. You can see yourself as soon as you give ANY attention to anything else, he starts acting out. I would think he talks about his stuff all the time, and your job is to listen. I suspect he has/had a very close relationship with his mother and now you are the Mummy substitute.
He's as nice as pie when he's got 'Mummy' (that's you) all to his little self. Then he's Mummy's best boy.

caughtinanet · 30/06/2019 20:18

Unless specifically asked not to call during a certain timeframe how could anyone possibly be rude for calling their parent?

I'm glad to see you already know your dp is a controlling knob

Original poster
notlyndasnell · 30/06/2019 20:19

Thanks everybody, this has been very helpful, especially hearing how other people would have handled the situation, or what would be considered acceptable behaviour by all parties involved. Good to have a range of views.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 30/06/2019 20:19

Fuck him off. You don't need to ask his "permission" to do anything.

simplekindoflife · 30/06/2019 20:21

YANBU!!

a) I took the call at a time that was very inconvenient

Well yes, you could've said you'd call him back. I'll grant your DP that. It was mildly inconvenient. But that's all I agree with.

b) I should have said: "Oh, it's DS1 – would you mind if I speak to him?" (In my world, looking at DP when taking the call was non-verbal communication for "Is that OK?")

No. You do not need permission to speak to anyone, especially your kids.

c) DS1 is rude and inconsiderate for calling me while we are relaxing on a short break (DP claims his DCs would never intrude like this)

No. Family talk to each other even when they're on holiday. Just to check in even, to make sure all's ok. It's normal. Your ds is being the opposite of rude. He's being a nice son for calling his mum!

d) And anyway, he should not be calling while we are preparing dinner or eating

How was your ds supposed to know that?! Ridiculous.

Tell your dp to grow up and stop being a pathetic jealous control freak.

maddiemookins16mum · 30/06/2019 20:22

I usually take some of these scenarios on MN with a pinch of salt, but he sounds awfully unpleasant Op.

simplekindoflife · 30/06/2019 20:23

My dc are only little but I hope they always feel they can call me, wherever, whenever Sad they come first and always will. Don't let this man push them out OP.

Treefloof · 30/06/2019 20:24

Once upon a time people survived without talking to their families or friends while they were away and the world didn't come to an end
But we're not in 1945 any more or even 1980. Today's world allows people to call other people at odd times, or email or WhatsApp or face ache or ....
Also if a person doesn't want to answer the phone they dont have to.
Maybe OP should have said call you back or maybe she did the right thing and spoke to her own son. Not a crime.

katewhinesalot · 30/06/2019 20:25

A calm comment like *next time could you ask him if you can ring him back as dinner was almost ready", whilst still being a bit ott, is more acceptable, but to insult your ds for doing nothing other than ring his mum is totally unacceptable. If anything, his issue should have been with you.

Brefugee · 30/06/2019 20:28

I'd have told anyone who called me that I was cooking and that they should call back in 40 minutes or so (at that point if it's urgent they tell you). So I do think you were a bit U to take the call.

However, DP is an arse. You're probably better off without him.

ComeAndDance · 30/06/2019 20:30

Once upon a time people survived without talking to their families or friends while they were away and the world didn't come to an end

Once upon a time, we had no mobile phone etc... and I still talked to my parents nice a week. Usually for half an hour, an hour. And they were living overseas (so yes that was international calls that were costing a fortune).

The Op’s Dc called her ONCE in the week. Had no way to know if it was inconvenient or not. It’s hardly an inconvenience.
A normal reaction would have been to out some of the cooking in hold until she had finished talking to him.

Devonishome1 · 30/06/2019 20:30

You’re son should always come before your partner.

StayAChild · 30/06/2019 20:31

There isn't a man alive that could keep me from speaking to my 2 grown up DC.
I'm grateful they think of me in their busy days - one busy working, with DGC who need lots of her attention, the other one working over 12 hours a day. I can soon warm my dinner up, whereas they can't get the spare 10 minutes back. They don't need to make an appointment with me.

So sorry YouJustDoYou

tinyme77 · 30/06/2019 20:32

I think that you should have told your son that you would call him back after dinner.

Buddytheelf85 · 30/06/2019 20:34

I started reading your thread feeling predisposed to sympathise with your DP, because my DH’s mum calls at the most inconvenient times (think 10pm on a Sunday night) and they’ll speak for upwards of an hour, and it’s very very irritating.

But an 11 minute conversation at a time your DS couldn’t possibly have known was inconvenient? Plus you had to leave the room to take it because your DP doesn’t like to have other people’s phone calls inflicted on him?

Nope, he’s controlling. And he’s also jealous of your kids.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/06/2019 20:40

You said that your part of the dinner prep was done, yet your DP came in and said it was starting to burn. If you left something cooking and went off to talk, I wouldn't be pleased at having to pick up your slack as well as do my own share.

BUT the rest of what he said is unreasonable and controlling.

Treefloof · 30/06/2019 20:40

I'm grateful they think of me in their busy days
This, it's nice to know my children haven't forgotten me. Its lovely that they can call me. Not like when I was a kid. Phoning home was a lottery of if they would be in. No direct contact then.

JellyBellyyyyyyyyy · 30/06/2019 20:42

This sounds like a huge red flag to me.

You should never feel you need to ask permission to take a call, especially when it's your child on the other end.

This smacks of your partner trying to control and isolate you.

I would seriously consider your future with this sorry excuse of a man.

crimsonlake · 30/06/2019 20:44

I would not bother thinking about the relationship for a week that would be a waste of your time, dump him now. It all sounds very rigid and controlling...I prepared my part of the meal then he his...

Loveislandaddict · 30/06/2019 20:46

Nothing wrong in answering the call, but as your meal was almost ready, you should have explained that you will call back later.

skybluee · 30/06/2019 20:46

It's just sad, isn't it? An 11 minute call and he has a problem with it. And as for "he didn't know what to do" about the food... I'm sure it wouldn't have been that hard to sort it out. If I wanted to speak to someone I wouldn't mind having my own food cold, to me it doesn't matter so much and you speak to him once a week on this trip... so it's more important.

Just think your partner is being a bit silly, and the way he handled it was horrible, trying to put all that blame over something so small on you.

I hope you are OK.

It sounds like he doesn't like your son.

greeneyedlulu · 30/06/2019 20:49

My son comes before anyone and I'd take the call! Your partner is being a dick!

FelixFelicis6 · 30/06/2019 20:50

I knew he was a twat from “DP does not like to have other people's telephone conversations inflicted on him.”

I mean...get over yourself.

HundredMilesAnHour · 30/06/2019 20:52

I knew he was a twat from “DP does not like to have other people's telephone conversations inflicted on him.”I mean...get over yourself.

Exactly!!!!

Purplejay · 30/06/2019 20:53

Your parter is a nob. Sorry OP. You don’t need permission to speak to your son. Your son isn’t a mind reader, he sounds great. Don’t let this man drive a wedge between you. Not often I say this but I would give serious thought to ending the relationship if he goes off like that over an 11 minute phone call!