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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take phone call from DS while on a short break with DP?

160 replies

notlyndasnell · 30/06/2019 19:15

DP (not the father of my 2DSs) and I were abroad for a few weeks on a family matter and decided to go on a short break. While we were there, DS1 (23) called one evening for a chat about his housing situation. He tends to call once a week on average, usually during the period between getting home from work and eating dinner. He works long hours in London and tends to go to bed soon after eating due to getting up at stupid o'clock. He was aware that DP and I had gone abroad but not that we were on a short break.
This particular call came as DP and I were preparing our dinner. I had finished preparing the bits I was doing and DP was about to spend 5-10 minutes preparing his share. When my phone rang I said "Oh, it's DS1", looked at DP and went to another room. (DP does not like to have other people's telephone conversations inflicted on him.) The call lasted just over 11 minutes. 10 minutes into my conversation with DS, DP came into the room, clearly very unhappy, and told me the food I had started to prepare was burning, and his was nearly ready, and he didn't know what to do.
I told DS I had to go and went to rescue our dinner. DP and I then had a huge argument because:
a) I took the call at a time that was very inconvenient
b) I should have said: "Oh, it's DS1 – would you mind if I speak to him?" (In my world, looking at DP when taking the call was non-verbal communication for "Is that OK?")
c) DS1 is rude and inconsiderate for calling me while we are relaxing on a short break (DP claims his DCs would never intrude like this)
d) And anyway, he should not be calling while we are preparing dinner or eating
I am pleased that my son makes the effort to stay in touch and I would talk to him if I was half-way up a mountain. Agreed, calling during dinner time is not ideal but DS wasn't to know what we were doing when he called.
Bit more background: DP and I don't live together but I spend a lot of time at his house. He has complained about DS's rude behaviour on numerous occasions. I'm biased, of course, but consensus among my friends is that both my DSs are polite and well-adjusted young men.
So, AIBU or is DP overreacting? Thank you Smile

OP posts:
FriarTuck · 30/06/2019 19:34

@FriarTuck are you honesty saying that if you're on holiday with someone you shouldn't speak to anyone else in your life??
Yes, when you're on holiday with someone for a short break and you're in the middle of something together then actually I do think you don't need to be attached to your phone. Once upon a time people survived without talking to their families or friends while they were away and the world didn't come to an end.

Original poster
notlyndasnell · 30/06/2019 19:37

@CressidaDuck Yes, it would have been nice for him to be happy for me that I have a good relationship with my DSs. He is close to his DD and most of the time to his DS although they don't speak much (DS has a demanding toddler and not much spare time).

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 30/06/2019 19:37

I’d dump your ‘d’P. He sounds like a controlling petulant knob.

SagAloojah · 30/06/2019 19:37

Yep, he's a controlling knob. Your DS sounds ace.

bringbacksideburns · 30/06/2019 19:39

DP does not like to have other people's telephone conversations inflicted on him.

Wow isn't he the precious one?

He sounds like he resents your kids. Imagine him at family gatherings years from now. Hmm
Not an attractive quality. YANBU.

OrchidInTheSun · 30/06/2019 19:39

He's an arsehole. Dump and run

GinUp · 30/06/2019 19:40

"DP claims his DCs would never intrude like this"

Would that by any chance be because they don't want to speak to him when they know that he overreacts to someone using a phone?

You certainly shouldn't have to ask permission to answer your own phone or to speak to your own child. Who on earth does this man think he is?

Drum2018 · 30/06/2019 19:41

I agree with pp. Dump him - he's a controlling arse! Thankfully you don't live together. Visit him one more time to collect any belongings. I wouldn't even bother to tell him it was over until I was on the way out the door waving him goodbye.

AllFourOfThem · 30/06/2019 19:41

Is this a one off or typical of his normal behaviour? If the latter, I wouldn’t stay with him.

IncrediblySadToo · 30/06/2019 19:42

He sounds horrible, take the time out to think, as long as you come to the conclusion that dumping him is the only answer! 😊

You were only cooking dinner, not meeting the Queen, if he can’t manage minding dinner for two without a melt down you wouldn’t want to rely on him in a crisis!

You have two lovely sons that WANT to talk to you, don’t let this insecure/controlling tear come between you and them

Original poster
notlyndasnell · 30/06/2019 19:42

@bringbacksideburns The prospect of future family gatherings are why I posted on here. I had hoped that once the boys grow up and leave home, and he and I spend more time toghether, that things would improve (I know ... how daft can I be) but I fear it's always going to be an issue ......

OP posts:
QueenofPain · 30/06/2019 19:43

Sorry what! Who is this man to dictate when you can talk to your kids? Kids are never “being rude” by ringing their bloody parents.

MiniCooperLover · 30/06/2019 19:43

Wow, he sounds fucking weird frankly! Doesn't like people's calls to intrude on him, grumpy you are still talking after 10 minutes, he resents your children !! Leave him!

bringbacksideburns · 30/06/2019 19:44

I see that you already said he's jealous and controlling.

Thankfully you don't live together. Just leave.

NavyBlueHue · 30/06/2019 19:44

So many red flags!

He thinks you should ask his permission to take a phone call?!!! What?! Please see him for what he is.

CherryPavlova · 30/06/2019 19:44

How old is he? He sounds incredibly petulant and needy. I couldn’t live like that. We both speak to our children daily, if possible.

SpitefulBreasts · 30/06/2019 19:45

Your partner is a controlling dickhead, he seems to be jealous of your son. Id get rid of him pretty quickly

Freddiefox · 30/06/2019 19:45

He sounds like a nasty shit tbh ..
It’s up to you who you talk too

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 30/06/2019 19:45

In any reasonable relationship you would have been able to stay in the kitchen to keep an eye on the food while you were talking. He sounds like a pain in the backside to have around. I think you are right to re think the relationship.

ohhelloitsyou · 30/06/2019 19:46

Your DP sounds like a controlling butt nugget. Does he honestly think you should ask his permission for answering a phone call?
How has he got this far in life not knowing how to solve a simple cooking problem on his own?

You’d be heartbroken if your son stopped calling you and there’s a chance he’s keeping in touch to be a good son for you as well. Your DS sounds lovely that he keeps in touch so well without being forced or asked to. It shows he cares.

SpitefulBreasts · 30/06/2019 19:47

Whoops I cross posted with many and they're all saying the same thing.

sevenoftwelve · 30/06/2019 19:48

Your first update is interesting. I was thinking essentially the same thing. It's very controlling.

Your instincts are good. If you want some more information to help you in weighing up this might help: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

What really sticks with me is the suggestion you should have asked for permission to answer a phonecall. That's pretty extreme.

Controlling men only ever get more controlling with time, not less.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/06/2019 19:49

It is a bit annoying if you're doing something time critical like cooking fish or a steak that can go from lovely to completely ruined in a few minutes and someone you're cooking or eating with steps out for 10 min when they didn't have to

But it's a 'would you mind calling them back next time?' type conversation nothing more

He is being totally unreasonable saying your son is rude. It's nice he calls you when he is so busy and he cant possibly know when you're likely to be cooking dinner when you're on holiday and so calling him rude is unfair and unnecessary

MaverickSnoopy · 30/06/2019 19:49

It is crystal clear from just your OP that he is controlling and also jealous of your children.

Maitairiki · 30/06/2019 19:49

That sounds horrendous! His reaction was totally over the top

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