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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take phone call from DS while on a short break with DP?

160 replies

notlyndasnell · 30/06/2019 19:15

DP (not the father of my 2DSs) and I were abroad for a few weeks on a family matter and decided to go on a short break. While we were there, DS1 (23) called one evening for a chat about his housing situation. He tends to call once a week on average, usually during the period between getting home from work and eating dinner. He works long hours in London and tends to go to bed soon after eating due to getting up at stupid o'clock. He was aware that DP and I had gone abroad but not that we were on a short break.
This particular call came as DP and I were preparing our dinner. I had finished preparing the bits I was doing and DP was about to spend 5-10 minutes preparing his share. When my phone rang I said "Oh, it's DS1", looked at DP and went to another room. (DP does not like to have other people's telephone conversations inflicted on him.) The call lasted just over 11 minutes. 10 minutes into my conversation with DS, DP came into the room, clearly very unhappy, and told me the food I had started to prepare was burning, and his was nearly ready, and he didn't know what to do.
I told DS I had to go and went to rescue our dinner. DP and I then had a huge argument because:
a) I took the call at a time that was very inconvenient
b) I should have said: "Oh, it's DS1 – would you mind if I speak to him?" (In my world, looking at DP when taking the call was non-verbal communication for "Is that OK?")
c) DS1 is rude and inconsiderate for calling me while we are relaxing on a short break (DP claims his DCs would never intrude like this)
d) And anyway, he should not be calling while we are preparing dinner or eating
I am pleased that my son makes the effort to stay in touch and I would talk to him if I was half-way up a mountain. Agreed, calling during dinner time is not ideal but DS wasn't to know what we were doing when he called.
Bit more background: DP and I don't live together but I spend a lot of time at his house. He has complained about DS's rude behaviour on numerous occasions. I'm biased, of course, but consensus among my friends is that both my DSs are polite and well-adjusted young men.
So, AIBU or is DP overreacting? Thank you Smile

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 30/06/2019 22:10

That should be on glue.

Jaxhog · 30/06/2019 22:16

Wow. DS maybe 23 but he's still family.

TheRedBarrows · 30/06/2019 22:40

He sounds possessive and controlling.

Could he not work out how to deal with the burning issue?

I do think it can be a bit much, people indulging in Long calls when socialising with someone else , and if you are keeping someone else waiting or whatever. But the context makes me think this is him, not you.

Gth1234 · 01/07/2019 12:21

@Krisskrosskiss

I'm male, so you are being blessed with a male viewpoint :)

The OP said in the thread she wound the call up when her DP let her know the dinner was ready. No doubt it would have been a full length call otherwise. This isn't controlling behaviour. It's just a normal relationship. You don't HAVE to be at your kids beck and call, ladies. I doubt they give you the same courtesy.

DS2 is a nurse in A&E, he rings in the middle of the night if something really bad happens on a shift and he needs to talk.
The middle of the night? really?

Topsecretidentity · 01/07/2019 12:31

OP it's great that your son calls you regularly and please don't let anything come between that. One thing I really appreciated about my mum was that no time was inconvenient if I was having a crisis... I knew she would at least pick up and ask me how urgent it was. Prevented me from making some bad decisions in my early and mid 20s as I could always get through to her when I really needed to (even when I once called her at 3am about to do something stupid).

BlueSkiesLies · 01/07/2019 12:31

Wow. Why do women put up with this shit from men?!

SonEtLumiere · 01/07/2019 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hithere12 · 01/07/2019 12:39

I'm male, so you are being blessed with a male viewpoint smile

The OP said in the thread she wound the call up when her DP let her know the dinner was ready. No doubt it would have been a full length call otherwise. This isn't controlling behaviour. It's just a normal relationship. You don't HAVE to be at your kids beck and call, ladies. I doubt they give you the same courtesy

I almost vomited all over my phone reading that patronising drivel 🤮

Thank you for telling us “ladies” what is allowed when talking to our own families.

I feel sorry for your wife/partner.

ComeAndDance · 01/07/2019 12:42

@Gth1234 blessed... right... Hmm

I forgot that when a MAN has deign helping prepare dinner, nothing, absolutely noting is allowed to come in between. I mean, come on ladies, a MAN has HELPED preparing dinner. How on earth can it less important than a phone call to your onw child....

@Gth1234 just take your patronising comment and tone somewhere else

ComeAndDance · 01/07/2019 12:46

and btw, why should the OP have said 'Ill call back an an hour'??

Expecting her to call back is aying loud and clear that either

  • her dh comes first and formost, and her dcs second. Always. Why is that?
  • dinner comes before talking to your dc Hmm because clearly he couodnt have waited to finsih preparing dinner and nor HE has waited to eat...
But somehow him telling the OP how to conduct her life (wo no regard or discussion about she feels about it) is OK and not controlling.

Full on mysogyny there.

Weezol · 01/07/2019 12:52

In any reasonable relationship you would have been able to stay in the kitchen to keep an eye on the food while you were talking.

If you do nothing else, please do The Freedom Programme with Women's Aid.

I'm guessing his 'rules' on phone calls are the tip of a huge iceberg.

tenlittlecygnets · 01/07/2019 12:58

If anything you are allowing yourself to be controlled by your grown up son. Could he not wait? Why does he have to call you at reasonable times, and expect that you would make yourself available.

How was the op's son being controlling by ringing her for a chat?? He didn't demand that she drop everything to speak to him, did he? She speaks to him once a week for about 10 mins each time. Not controlling!!!

Beautiful3 · 01/07/2019 12:59

Sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your son. I think it's nice that he regularly keeps in touch with you. Your partner sounds jealous. Please don't let him ruin your relationship with your son.

LillithsFamiliar · 01/07/2019 13:03

He sounds jealous. And although ideally you could have called DS back later, I'd be more inclined to answer a family call when I was away in case something had happened at home that I needed to know about.
You answered a phone call from your DS and your DP came up with a four-point critique. Life is too short for that level of scrutiny and criticism.

Travis1 · 01/07/2019 13:09

Stop the thread. Ladies no further discussion required @Gth1234 is here. The penis has spoken, now back in your box you go, no other opinions needed - aye right!

OP, going away for a bot sounds like a good idea if you can. I really would be breaking up with 'd'p. Seems like a good thing you do not live together.

dodgeballchamp · 01/07/2019 13:09

Don’t take any notice of Gth, he’s on another thread calling people feminazis.

BarbedBloom · 01/07/2019 13:36

The fact you have to go into another room speaks volumes. I probably would have told my son we were about to eat and I will call back, but this isn't about this particular call. This is just another example of an ongoing issue by the sound of it. I wish my mother was more like you. Flowers

Gth1234 · 01/07/2019 13:39

A single observation, that the dear OP might have taken the time to ring back at a slightly more convenient time, and world war 3 breaks out.

That was what caused the reference to feminazis in the other thread. A bit of an over the top reaction to an alternative viewpoint.

Reverse the position. Woman and DP are ready to go out to meet friends, dine, theatre, whatever, and DP's child calls for a chat. How long would you give the conversation before saying something.

Anyway, thank you all for your considered and friendly responses, ladies. My work here is done. Good day to you all. Have a good one. :)

HollowTalk · 01/07/2019 13:41

My son does the same with phone calls, OP, and is lovely, too. No man in this world could stop me talking to him.

IceQueenCometh · 01/07/2019 13:51

Well that would have been the end of the relationship right there. Nobody would criticize me for speaking to my son. Dump the twat.

NameChangeNugget · 01/07/2019 13:58

Your DP, is an arsehole.

Any partner who thinks they’re higher up in the pecking order than DC really isn’t worth the aggravation

iseveryusernametakenorwhat · 01/07/2019 14:15

He sounds like a Grade A Cunt.

iseveryusernametakenorwhat · 01/07/2019 14:18

Oh I do love it when the menz turn up to tell us 'ladies' what is and isn't acceptable. How else will we learn?

Treefloof · 01/07/2019 14:18

Reverse the position. Woman and DP are ready to go out to meet friends, dine, theatre, whatever, and DP's child calls for a chat. How long would you give the conversation before saying something
That's not a reverse of this situation, they were eating in not going somewhere. If a person cannot talk to their own child (whether that child is 7 or 25 or 86) there is something wrong. My child comes to mine most weeks for dinner, should my DP ban him or ban me from feeding him?

lunar1 · 01/07/2019 14:25

His children wouldn't have called him while away because they already know he's a controlling asshole.

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