Hoarding and moving house

[Itsreallyallovernow]

Close friend is moving in a few weeks to a smaller property (about 2/3 -1/2 size of current home) for personal reasons but also partly financial. The date of move cannot apparently be changed.

Friend is a chronic hoarder. By which I mean that certain rooms in their home basically can't be accessed, even in the accessible rooms there is almost no clear floor space. Some of this is rubbish (friend will not throw away papers/ paperwork so there are boxes and bags full of newspapers, receipts, leaflets, etc) plus bags and bags and bags of clothes...maybe 30+ bags of clothes just in the hallway. Every doorway is used as hanging space. Every cupboard is jammed full.

Two of us have spent 3 days between us helping friend get rid of rubbish and recycling . This is now almost complete aside from the aforementioned papers.

However we haven't made any impression on any of the other stuff. There is no room to pack any of it and the reality (which friend hasn't faced up to) is that there simply isn't room for it in the new property. New housing situation is like a shared home so friend will not be able to live as they do now.

I honestly can't see a way forward. Fellow helper is away with work for next few weeks so can't assist. I have a ft job and my own home and family, I can give 1 day a weekend at personal cost but that's it.

There is no one else friend will allow to help. Friend is also balking at paying £300 for removals (I think this is an underestimate tbh) because of the expense, ditto putting anything in storage. I have taken about 15 big bags of clothes and other items to my house but this has simply reduced the piles from ceiling height to about 4ft. And I dont want my house overtaken by stuff either! I have said I will not be driving a van for the removals but I think this is what friend expects, not necessarily I do it but one of us does. Friend doesn't drive.

I am at a loss tbh. I can't help anymore than I already am and am frustrated by friend. I don't think they get that they have to reduce their stuff so drastically.

AIBU about it? And what if anything do I do?

@Itsreallyallovernow I support your decision, you gave an inch and she took several miles, when people behave like that you have to walk away

The fly on the wall's going to have an entertaining day watching those two, he will assume that she naturally will help him because he's doing it for free, she will assume that he will do it all and she won't have to lift a finger because....
Well I don't know what her justification is....
she's The Empress?🤷

Sounds like you have made the right decision in withdrawing to look after yourself

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink!! Same with your friend if she not ready to get rid of stuff then your waisting your time trying to make her!! Also once this guy sees all the stuff she is expecting him to move he will not be happy. What every you do don’t let her use your house as a storage unit!!

I hummed and hawed about replying to this thread.

I am a hoarder and I come from a long line of hoarders. I'm dreading clearing my parents house when the time comes.

I have reached the point where I can get rid of stuff sometimes but it has to be where items are going to be reused and repurposed.

For instance I find it very hard to throw out newspapers and magazines as they are still usable for their original purpose so in my mind they can't simply be binned- I used to take a handful everytime I went to the doctor/dentist and leave them in the waiting room.

Throwing out cardboard boxes, amazon deliveries etc, is OK so long as they stay as whole boxes, can't bear to have them torn up as then they can't be used as boxes. I find it excruciating to watch that- it just feels wrong, like milk going in the mug 1st but 100 fold.

I have lots of clothes I want to part with but the cash for clothes places don't take plus size or handmade and don't promise not to shred them.

I used to volunteer in a charity shop- lasted 6 weeks and had to stop as I was rescuing too much stuff from the skip that they considered 'not good enough'

I can throw things out but if people help me in tidying i have to go throw their throwings out to check for important stuff... similarly they have to go through mine and rescue things ( usually missed teaspoons and half empty bottles of conditioner and the like).

A number of people here have said hoarders need MH help. That's as maybe but the MH system is at breaking point as it is. MH help for hoarding just isn't available and even if I could afford private decluttering it's not an option where I live. I'm also not aware of any big life trauma so I don't think anything would be a quick process either

@francium interesting to have your insight! What do you actually do with it all though? Like why do you have teaspoons not used/ kept with your cutlery, or why buy more conditioner if you have a half-full bottle? Are you trying to take advantage of special offers?

@Francium I agree very interesting to have your insight re the reasoning for keeping things. As newspapers are meant to tell us current news are you happy to recycle them knowing they will be turned back into some sort of paper again

@Itsreallyallovernow OP how did it go?

I understand this thread has moved on now, but I would have taken one look and backed away out the door.

You get no thanks for trying to help hoarders because it just stresses them out.

It's so sad, but at least you know how to deal with it the next time.
Disappear.

It's still going on.

The landlord gave her more time, as he could see she had made some progress.

However she has wasted most of the month. I went to see her last week (I'd not helped since July) and very little had changed. She now has 7 days left, still has 2 rooms where she's not even started packing. Hasn't arranged anyone to move her stuff because she still wants to get it free/ cheap. Still won't throw even obvious tat away - the 5000 newspapers etc.

The place where she's living is full. She is now storing stuff in 3 different places. She also still hasn't accepted that the contents of the outbuilding (where she has kept stuff for the last 10 years and which is mice/rat infested) needs to be professionally cleared.

I don't think she has even accepted she is moving yet tbh.

It's very hard to sit on your hands and nod along but it's all you can do with hoarders. Keep well back and good luck.

I was just decluttering my Watched Threads and came across this one. What was the outcome OP? Did she finally get moved?

You can’t do anything unfortunately. We went through this with my hoarder in-laws. They ‘downsized’ in retirement, but wouldn’t part with any of their crap (out of date text books, empty jam jars, old newspapers etc), so it all got dumped in the new house - giving them no room to move. They then bought a £3000 ‘shed’ the size of our house and filled it to the brim, so that now looks ugly in their garden. They also paid for storage for about a year when they definitely couldn’t afford it. It’s hopeless.

I helped my ex partner move his hoard house. Just the two of us, none of his other friends helped unsurprisingly. There was no floor space, we had to crawl over waist high junk.

He wouldn’t even hire a van, did it all by car and a rickety trailer he’d built, including the piano.

It took about 6 months to move everything out. The house was stuck in probate with his brother so there was no real rush to empty it quickly.

I learnt that hoarders are procrastinators of epic scale ; just let them stew, and at the last minute they’ll light their own firework and momentum will kick in.

They won’t let you chuck anything, or organise anything, and no amount of logical advice on your part will change their mindset.

Maybe she needs to crash and reach rock bottom to face seriousness of her mental health condition

How did your friend's move go, @Itsreallyallovernow?

apologies for the belated update.

She did, eventually move. However in the end she had to get more time from her ex-landlord, put loads of stuff into storage, and into other friend's sheds and garages (I don't have anything of hers though, I refused to take it).

I think she finally cleared the last of her stuff mid/end Sept.

However I've not heard from her once since she moved, she hasn't answered messages. AFAIK she hasn't moved any of the stored stuff, or got a job so not really sure how she's filling her time. Friend who is her new LL says that she is managing not to clutter the shared parts of their home (so far) so that is something.

Am slightly hurt that after all the help I gave she's made no effort to contact me (or to really take any steps to improve her situation) but what can you do? I don't regret helping her, I wanted to try, but I don't think she ever really accepted the scale of the problem.