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AIBU?

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Original poster

What IS going on with this man? Father of DD's friend....

157 replies

HennyPennyHorror · 30/06/2019 04:17

DD's just turned 11 and her best friend...we will call Anne. Anne's parents split up 4 years ago and so I have dealings with both Anne's Mum and less so, her Dad.

Anne lives full time with Mum but Dad seems to want more access and often turns up as DD and Anne are walking home from school....he'll ask Anne if she wants to go out for tea with him...sometimes just him and other times with his newish girlfriend and him.

Anne almost always says no.

Anne would rather come here to ours and play for an hour or two before walking home to her Mums.

Whenever Anne stays over with us at weekends, her Dad will phone me and ask "I wondered if Anne would like to come for a picnic/lunch/to the climbing wall...whatever....he offers for my DD to go too.

Anne always says no. I have taken to handing my phone to Anne and letting her do the telling.

She has never once agreed to his suggestions.

Why does he try to "muscle in" on Anne and DD's plans and playdates? When DD and Anne have a friday night sleepover for example, they will usually have made little plans for the next day...just simple things "We're going to the library and then for a milkshake at the general store" (we live in Oz)

But he always tries to sort of tempt Anne away. It's her Dad...I get that...but why hasn't he got proper access arrangement in place with Anne's Mother?

Anne's Mother is not very communicative. All I know from Anne is that "Dad once broke our mailbox and my big sister didn't speak to him for a year"

He seems polite...but might be abusive? If so, I wish Anne's Mum would tell me so I can give him short shrift.

OP posts:
Birdie6 · 30/06/2019 04:27

Sounds as if you need to have a chat to Anne's Mum. She may not be communicative but this situation surely should involve her. In your situation I'd call her and ask if you could come over and have a coffee as there is something you need to discuss. And go from there. If you are sitting with her and you tell her what you've said here, I can't imagine that she'd just continue being silent. If I were Anne's mother I'd want to know about this - I'm sure there is a back story and the Mum needs to tell you about it. Good luck !

Iliterallycantthinkofanythingq · 30/06/2019 04:29

Obviously he doesn't have proper access via the mother and is trying to see her. The whole thing seems quite sad but it's totally ridiculous and irresponsible for Anne's mum to not inform you what's going on and intervene somehow. I'd be furious to be put in such an awkward position!

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 30/06/2019 04:41

I was angry at first...but Anne's Mother is very hard to pin down.She studies full time and doesn't usually answer the phone.

She gives off a vibe of "Don't bother me....I don't want to know"

The child is the one whose told me of the past difficulties with her Dad...she's open with her Mother about him looking for her at home time and at ours etc.

I feel uncomfortable bringing it up now as it's been going on for quite a while.

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 30/06/2019 04:46

You do need to let the other know as 11 is very young to deal with this alone. Also you need to know what to say. Send the mum a text if you need to pin her down. Ask proper questions. How do you want me to deal with this situation? What exactly do you want me to say?

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 30/06/2019 04:48

I did once text the Mother when he'd called me to ask about seeing her and she said "It's up to Anne" So from that, I understood she'd left the ball in the child's court.

11 IS young but she seems to deal with it...she's not afraid to say no as it were.

I just wondered why he's STILL asking....it's been so long.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 30/06/2019 04:49

Stop facilitating him being able to speak to her.

If she says that she doesn't want to speak to him, then she doesn't get put on the phone.

It sounds as though there has been abuse.

Ann's Mum may be, ashamed, defensive, or just worn out and a bit scared.

It's for the Adults around this child to take charge and protect her.

Ponoka7 · 30/06/2019 04:50

"I just wondered why he's STILL asking"

He's hoping to wear her down.

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 30/06/2019 04:51

Ponka she's never said that she doesn't want to speak to him,...she's involved him when she needed a lift somewhere or to use his tent or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 30/06/2019 04:52

What I think I might do next time he calls me is say "Oh they've gone out for a walk..."

And not bother Anne. Or is it worse to lie? I could pretend in my own head that I thought they'd gone out for a walk....I find it hard to lie.

OP posts:
cantfindname · 30/06/2019 05:00

What jumps out at me is that Anne always says 'no' to him. Why? Most youngsters would be thrilled by the attention and keen to go to climbing wall whatever. Her actions are not normal.

Either there has been abuse which somehow I doubt.. or her mother is, in fact, pressuring her not to see her Dad. Maybe if she said yes she would be put on a huge guilt trip when she got home?

From her mother's attitude to the attempts to see her, coupled with the fact that the child seems to spend a lot of time with you it seems that she doesn't have a lot of time for her daughter but on the other time she doesn't like it if Anne visits her father. She seems to put the ball in Anne's court but I suspect there may be a lot more to this story than you have been told.

Can you not 'jokingly' ask her 'Why do you always say no to your poor Dad' and see what her response is?

Marnie76 · 30/06/2019 05:21

Please don’t call him ‘Your poor dad’ as suggested above. That will make her feel that she’s in the wrong and hurting him. You don’t know enough about the circumstances to make that judgement

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 30/06/2019 05:25

Marnie no...I wouldn't say that. His emotional welfare is not her responsibility in any way.

I take things as I find them....I won't speculate on Anne's reasons...but if she doesn't want to see her Dad and her Mum hasn't told me "Anne's getting collected by her Dad at 5" or whatever, then it's entirely up to Anne isn't it?

Her Mother has residency in the main as there's only ever been one instance in a year where Anne has stayed at her Dad's house....so I'll just go with Anne's choice.

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 30/06/2019 05:26

I would stop handing the phone to Anne. When he phones just say they are busy. Do not get into a conversation with him.

OneThreadOnly0101 · 30/06/2019 05:36

Why don't you just stop answering his calls when Anne is with you?! You've made arrangements with Anne on the basis that she lives with mum and it's mum who is expecting her home. If he wants to sort out his access arrangements he can do it through the usual channels, not by harassing you. How does he know every time she's at yours? Does he call Anne's house a lot? If so, then I assume he speaks to her regularly enough as it is.

Anne is perfectly entitled to say no to her dad. I wouldn't question her reasons, especially if you have no real idea of the history.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/06/2019 05:40

You can't know what's behind Anne's refusal unless she chooses to tell you.

He could be a "poor dad" or he could be an abusive controlling wanker - you just can't tell.

Anne is being allowed to make her own decisions by her mum, so I think you should leave it up to Anne to continue - however, she doesn't need to speak to him on the phone either, if he phones you, so have a conversation with Anne before he calls you again and ASK her whether or not she wants YOU to tell him that she's not interested. If she says she'd rather you do it, then you tell him. If she'd rather do it herself, then hand the phone to her.

Do not engage with him unless Anne asks for you to do so. It's not your role. Direct him back to Anne's mother if necessary, or let Anne deal with it as you have been doing.

YouKidsKeepMeYoung · 30/06/2019 06:02

I'd do what ThumbWitchesAbroad said.
Ask Anne what action you should take when he rings. Tell her Mother what you've both agreed as well so she knows what's happening, even if she doesn't seem approachable.

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 30/06/2019 06:07

I like OneThreads suggestion of just not answering. When I see his name on my phone my heart sinks tbh so that's a good indication isn't it?

Thumb I don't want to make Anne uncomfortable by asking if she wants me to tell him she's not interested...I don't know why but it doesn't seem right somehow.

If he really wants contact with her, surely he can arrange it via her mum or calling THEIR house when he knows she home?

OP posts:
barryfromclareisfit · 30/06/2019 06:26

He approaches her when your daughter is there? His daughter always turns him down? Think your way through that. I wouldn’t want him near my child.

Also, his daughter is too young to take responsibility for saying no, repeatedly. An adult should deal with that for her. Block him. Your dealings are with the mother, not him.

At the very least, he’s a pest, and doesn’t have the usual boundaries. How many other men do you know who regularly interrupt when their daughter’s are with friends? It’s not usual.

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 30/06/2019 06:30

Barry I know what you're getting at but because Anne never shows any fear or upset regarding her Dad, I can't exactly do much can I?

It's not usual no....for a non resident parent to hassle a child like this.

I've told my own DD that if he stops his car when they are walking home, she's not to get in with him...but to continue alone if her friend chooses to go with her Dad...but she never chooses that...she always says no thanks.

I don't think his dd repeatedly turning him down is enough to worry that he should not be near my DD though. Not without any fear from the child.

OP posts:
barryfromclareisfit · 30/06/2019 06:35

You can refuse to take part in his game.

staydazzling · 30/06/2019 06:36

does he ring your house no?

tomatostottie · 30/06/2019 06:40

I'd just tell him Anne is having a nice day out with your DD or Anne is coming home with you from school as that is what has been arranged and that if he wants to arrange a time for a day out with Anne then he needs to contact Anne's mother.
I wouldn't want to be getting involved in whatever is going on there and certainly not letting Anne go off with him when technically you are in loco parentis because Anne's mother has entrusted you with her care for that particular day or evening.

googlegoals · 30/06/2019 06:47

Simply answer the phone and tell him he needs to facilitate contact through Anne's mother, and you're not getting involved. Conversation over.

yearinyearout · 30/06/2019 06:51

You can go one better and just block his number.

AdoreTheBeach · 30/06/2019 06:59

I think it’s totally inappropriate for him to call you to make changes to plans Anne has with your daughter. Anne is with your daughter for plans agreed with the mother. I’d simply yell the father it’s not appropriate to ring you to bypass anne’s Mother as well as the agreed plans Anne has with your daughter. Tell him to stop calling you and go speak with Anne and:or her Mother to organise plans to see Anne when she is st home and not with your daughter. Tell him if he rings you again go try to change already set plans, you’ll be blocking him. Just make it clear you’re no longer going to play a part in this drama.
If anyone is “poor” here, it’s Anne, who can’t simply go to a friend's home to play without her father trying to interfere.