What IS going on with this man? Father of DD's friend....

[HennyPennyHorror]

DD's just turned 11 and her best friend...we will call Anne. Anne's parents split up 4 years ago and so I have dealings with both Anne's Mum and less so, her Dad.

Anne lives full time with Mum but Dad seems to want more access and often turns up as DD and Anne are walking home from school....he'll ask Anne if she wants to go out for tea with him...sometimes just him and other times with his newish girlfriend and him.

Anne almost always says no.

Anne would rather come here to ours and play for an hour or two before walking home to her Mums.

Whenever Anne stays over with us at weekends, her Dad will phone me and ask "I wondered if Anne would like to come for a picnic/lunch/to the climbing wall...whatever....he offers for my DD to go too.

Anne always says no. I have taken to handing my phone to Anne and letting her do the telling.

She has never once agreed to his suggestions.

Why does he try to "muscle in" on Anne and DD's plans and playdates? When DD and Anne have a friday night sleepover for example, they will usually have made little plans for the next day...just simple things "We're going to the library and then for a milkshake at the general store" (we live in Oz)

But he always tries to sort of tempt Anne away. It's her Dad...I get that...but why hasn't he got proper access arrangement in place with Anne's Mother?

Anne's Mother is not very communicative. All I know from Anne is that "Dad once broke our mailbox and my big sister didn't speak to him for a year"

He seems polite...but might be abusive? If so, I wish Anne's Mum would tell me so I can give him short shrift.

I would tell him that you're not comfortable with him phoning you to arrange his contact with his daughter and could he please organise further arrangements either with Anne or with her mother.

If he continues to call following that I would block his number.

I wouldn't want to be getting involved in whatever is going on there and certainly not letting Anne go off with him when technically you are in loco parentis because Anne's mother has entrusted you with her care for that particular day or evening

That was my initial instinct....but because Anne's mum never said NOT to let her go with her Dad it was confusing.

I'm going to ignore his calls from now on.

I would absolutely just ignore his calls from now on.

If there is a genuine emergency, he'll leave a message.

If not, you ignore and don't return the call.

He can then try to arrange whatever contact he wants in Mum's time, rather than your DD's time with her friend.

How does he know when Anne is at your house? Is he calling home first and Anne's mum is telling him she's at yours? Or does he ever ring for Anne even she's not with you?

Sorry if its been answered already but how does he have your number? I assume you didn’t pass it on?
Could you just block him?
I think you need to make the school aware to be honest. They may know more about the history and can take appropriate action. Maybe give them a diary of how often it happens. As a previous poster has asked how does he know when they are together? Is it the mum telling him? Is it bordering on stalking?

If you stop answering his calls, he may just decide to do the turning up on the school walk thing.

Can you not 'jokingly' ask her 'Why do you always say no to your poor Dad' and see what her response is?

Fucking hell NO.

"Anne is spending the afternoon with us today" big smile then walk off. Don't answer the phone to him. If Anne's mum has her full time then she is the care giver, not dad.

As a school friend (i.e. not a close friend) I think you have to take a very black and white view. He has no arrangement to see her and Anne has no desire to start one. You'll never know the full story.

But it's not your place to mediate and you never know what all this unwanted exposure to dad is doing to Anne. It sounds like she can get hold of him pretty easily if she really wanted to.

But how does he know when Anne is at your house?

Piglet I don't think he's ever called when she's not here which would suggest her Mum tells him if he calls her.

Kmo from memory (last year) I think he just turned up here one day...and he actually walked into our back garden....he was very lucky because we have a big guardian dog and that day he was tied up because the gas man was coming. He's never tied up. If he'd walked in with the dog loose, he'd have been at least very frightened by the dog and at worst, bitten. Our property is big..and we have some livestock....which is why the dog.

He just arrived that day and spent some time introducing himself and chatting to DH....I think Anne's Mum gave him our address but this is a small, rural town in Australia....everyone knows everyone...could have been anyone!

Medi as I just mentioned to Piglet....I think he must call the Mother who then tells him Anne is with DD.

I think you need to establish some boundaries with him yourself. Let him know that it makes you, your DH and your DD very uncomfortable. None of you are mediators and do not wish to be involved in his relationship breakup with Ann’s Mum. His contact with Ann must be dealt with between Ann’s Mum and him ONLY. Everything else is harassment.

Anne is frequently entrusted to your care by her mother who is her primary caregiver, because your daughters are friends. In that situation, I would only feel comfortable handing Anne back to the mother. I would not be comfortable handing her to someone else, without the prior permission of the mother.
I think that's always the answer to him - you have been entrusted with her care and can't hand her to anyone else without the permission/agreement of the primary caregiver. Soften the blow by saying you would be happy to do so if the mother had told you that it was arranged and all was fine. So could he please in future make any such arrangements with the mother who will let you know what you should do. All said with a smile on your face, a non-aggressive tone, and without involving Anne.

Simply answer the phone and tell him he needs to facilitate contact through Anne's mother, and you're not getting involved. Conversation over.

This with bells on

Justilou I'm not being funny but do you really know anyone in real life who'd say that to a relative stranger? "This makes me very uncomfortable"??

I just couldn't say that in reality. It's very combative really...to front someone up with a statement like that.

It doesn't make DD uncomfortable anyway...she's very laissez faire about it all.

Pin her down . As others said a more
Directive approach is needed . She is happy for you to provide a happy stable environment for her DD , well that goes 2 ways

I still feel....maybe because I'm a wimp...that my course of action from now on will be to simply ignore his calls.

If he escalates...for example just turns up here...I'll say "I've arranged for Anne to go home to her Mum at 5...perhaps you need to get her to give me a ring to rearrange."

There is nothing wrong with telling him that this is making him uncomfortable. It is. This is making me a bit uncomfortable. I understand that you want to see x, but you really need to arrange that with her mum. I'd rather you stop ringing up and calling round to try to take her away when she's with us.

I don’t understand why a 11 year old is being left to decide where she wants to go and who with, the mother doesn’t even seem to know or care where her daughter is? The mother needs to make arrangements with you if she’s coming to your house for the weekend and inform her father that she won’t be going out with him. I do kind of feel sorry for her dad as he obviously wants to spend time with her, many fathers don’t even bother. Maybe Anne’s parents should sort an arrangement out where he does see her in certain days rather than randomly phoning up you and asking if she wants to go out. It’s not your place to tell him his daughter doesn’t want to see him.

Neither of Anne's parents are behaving well.

Anne's contact with her Dad should be organised and predictable, not randomly intruding on playdates with her pals.

WHY they are behaving like this is the question.

Your Qu for yourself is - do you wish to know / get more involved or just say to him - you need to arrange this with Anne's mother, I cant take your calls and get involved I'm sorry. If he then steps up the contact attempts (which he might) make sure the girls know what to do if it becomes more intense.

@Henny - I’m a fellow Aussie and yes, I have and I would say that again! Especially when it concerns the welfare of a kid. You have a complete stranger rocking up to your house to guilt-trip you into manipulating his kid into seeing him. It IS making you uncomfortable!!! It’s fucking weird!!! If you prefer, tell him it’s inappropriate to put you in that position! Be direct. He is obviously choosing to ignore or is incapable of recognizing the non-verbal cues he is getting.

I would message

"Hi X, I'm not sure what the arrangements are with your dd and access, but I need to ask you to stop calling/texting when you dd is at mine. I really feel it more appropriate if you deal directly with her mum - it puts me in an awkward position and the girls just like to get on playing. I'm sure you understand, thanks"

I don’t understand why a 11 year old is being left to decide where she wants to go and who with, the mother doesn’t even seem to know or care where her daughter is? To be fair, the Mum always texts me to ask "has she set off home?" at about 5....during the week. She does have concern and care.

In my experience the deciding for an 11 year old is usual when there's been a lot of conflict/abuse. I have another friend whose ten year old simply refuses to see her Dad....won't go there. My older DD is 14 and her friend never stays at her Mum's house any more because she's an arsehole.

People do things according to what suits them.

but he IS making things weird for me. I wonder if Anne's Mum is still scared of him.

There are two separate issues here.

The fact IRS’s I iscthe casual arrangement Anne & her parents have with her dadsbinvolvement in her life and Anne’s ‘power’ to accept/decline. It’s not an arrangement I’d be happy with if anne was mine, but, I its a ‘not my circus’ situation

The second thing is the impact it’s having on you .hes bothering you, in your home. Just say to him ‘could you please make arrangements with anne/her Mum when she’s at home and not when she’ here if Anne wants to see you when she’s here I’ll get her to call you . YOU don’t have to put up with his constant phone calls to YOU.

The responses here are harsh, it sounds like he’s desperate to see his daughter