What IS going on with this man? Father of DD's friend....

[HennyPennyHorror]

DD's just turned 11 and her best friend...we will call Anne. Anne's parents split up 4 years ago and so I have dealings with both Anne's Mum and less so, her Dad.

Anne lives full time with Mum but Dad seems to want more access and often turns up as DD and Anne are walking home from school....he'll ask Anne if she wants to go out for tea with him...sometimes just him and other times with his newish girlfriend and him.

Anne almost always says no.

Anne would rather come here to ours and play for an hour or two before walking home to her Mums.

Whenever Anne stays over with us at weekends, her Dad will phone me and ask "I wondered if Anne would like to come for a picnic/lunch/to the climbing wall...whatever....he offers for my DD to go too.

Anne always says no. I have taken to handing my phone to Anne and letting her do the telling.

She has never once agreed to his suggestions.

Why does he try to "muscle in" on Anne and DD's plans and playdates? When DD and Anne have a friday night sleepover for example, they will usually have made little plans for the next day...just simple things "We're going to the library and then for a milkshake at the general store" (we live in Oz)

But he always tries to sort of tempt Anne away. It's her Dad...I get that...but why hasn't he got proper access arrangement in place with Anne's Mother?

Anne's Mother is not very communicative. All I know from Anne is that "Dad once broke our mailbox and my big sister didn't speak to him for a year"

He seems polite...but might be abusive? If so, I wish Anne's Mum would tell me so I can give him short shrift.

I think maybe he likes to give the mother the impression that you’re all “friends”... that you’re cool with him calling and dropping by. You certainly haven’t said anything. That’s how these people work. She won’t feel confident that anyone will believe her if she does say anything about his behaviour behind closed doors. It’s classic coercive control.

11 is too young to be dealing with it whether she appears to be doing this "well" or not. Tell the dad not to bother her whilst she's at yours, thst you don't want to be involved, to speak to his solicitor and the mum if he needs to sort things out, she's on a play date & what's more he is involving you when you don't want to be involved. Either write mum a text/letter saying he's making u uncomfortable and that she needs to sort it out and please ask him to stop harassing you at your home when you don't want to be involved, making it clear that you want no involvement in this, and though u care about her she's your daughter's friend not your responsiblity but the mothers. Say this to the dad too: "Please don't call here when she's at my house as I don't want to be involved in your business please speak to your solicitor & deal with mum direct " I never understand adults who place their kids in these positions, it's mot protective & it's emotionally damaging forcing the kid to grow up before their time. Idk amd i don't care shpuld care and is bordering on emotional neglect and abuse.This mum needs slapping round the face with a wet fish or some common sense knocked into her but that isn't your job either.

I posted above...my last post...to thank everyone. I say in it clearly what I'm doing. Not sure if subsequent posters have only read half a thread.

I think under the circumstances, I might be inclined to ask Anne what she wants you to do when he calls. Just really high level, not going into the whys of anything... She's apparently being left to deal with this herself anyway, so giving her some say in how she wants you to deal with it might give her a bit of power in the situation and reassure you that you're dealing with it in a way that's OK for her.

It does sound a bit weird, and especially that this guy is calling you and the girls mother isn't offering any explantion as to why or intervention. And is kind of leaving you to find your way through this part of the mess her relationship turned into. I don't know if it's your business or not at this point, but I would probably feel that I needed to explain how the ground lay if I was Anne's mother.

*Either there has been abuse which somehow I doubt.. or her mother is, in fact, pressuring her not to see her Dad....

Can you not 'jokingly' ask her 'Why do you always say no to your poor Dad' and see what her response is?*

Why do you doubt it, you don't know anything more about the situation than us .. and what I know from this thread is that he broke something (that's quite hard to break) in their home, suggesting aggression; and that her older sister didn't speak to him for an extended period. That actually suggests something quite off.

As to the second part; guilting and manipulating an 11 year old child; seriously stop giving advice, you're quite bad at it.

If he ever rings whilst she's at yours I would say "Anne is in my care and I wouldn't be comfortable letting her go off with you (albeit her father) You really need to talk to the Mother about this" and block him lol

As well as the steps you're taking (which should hopefully help him get the message) I'm in agreement with YouveGotAxes about raising this with the school.

Like Anne, I was the 'grown up' at eleven with regard to my parents and I wish someone, anyone, had noticed. It's caused me problems throughout my life which, in my forties, I'm still unpicking.