Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD hasn't come home - AIBU?

373 replies

Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 03:13

DD went to London on train to attend an event with some people I dont know/have never met. She doesnt know them very well either. She is 20. I have very few house rules/expectations from her but one that is very important for me and agreed as a family is to have the courtesy to let someone know if anyone is not coming home so we are not worrying. She bloody knows this. I have sent her a text and just tried to call but getting no response. She has done this before and swore blind she wouldn't do it again. Even I let my DH know if I am going to stay at a friends and ditto him. I get she is an adult but while she lives here under my roof she knows it is a basic expectation. She can do want the hell she wants when she leaves home. I am so fucking mad at her right now. Am I asking to much of her? I genuinely dont know anymore.

OP posts:
jennymanara · 30/06/2019 09:03

@Ineedhelptocope So you don't say anything to her about her sexual assault when she doesn't text you?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/06/2019 09:05

She’s an adult so she needs to behave like an adult and with that comes responsibility-and that comes with being respectful and just letting the people you live with, know that you are safe. I would expect that from DH and he is 46.

We’ve all seen enough posts on here where husbands have not arrived home and not had the basic respect to let their wives know where they are so they can stop worrying. On those posts everyone is supportive and saying that it’s a given to let people know you’re safe and not coming home, so this one kinda blows my mind.

Your DD is acting childishly by not having that basic courtesy. I’d sit her down and say you were worried, up all night and especially because of past history she needs to drop you a text-you’re not asking for the world or curtailing her life at all.

Hope you get some rest today x

Thesuzle · 30/06/2019 09:06

OP i explained this exact situation to my now 24 year old.
When she was living at home I would expect an update by txt no matter how late as to her plans, as they always seem to change..
Then she went to Uni, I would not know when she went out or when she was back ! So how could I worry. I didnt...
Now she’s back living at home, admittedly paying a bit of rent, as she has a good job now. I need to know just the basics, which on the whole she does tell me..
Find my friends is a good app.. I can see where she is without her having to txt. When it works ! She has a signal..
Similarly, she can see where I am and has used that to her advantage for various little things, which is lovely.
At 20 I would dispute the “adult” idea, its just a number, the brain keeps developing till about 25 I believe, their understanding of risk etc is one of the last things to mature.
And still It’s always worse with a girl, I know the worry, shouldn’t be this way, but till the world evolves and men change considerably then we will always worry about our daughters..

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 09:06

Look at OP's specific situation in this case. What exactly did she do that might have made the slightest difference if her daughter had actually been in serious danger?

It meant that I at least knew why her bed was empty. But you are right. I was unable to protect her before either.

I appreciate that she was worried but actually the focus of her posts, especially prior to dd finally checking in, were about anger at her house rule being disrespected
Anger.... upset.....worry..... that she was ok.
I guess I just have different expectations of my family and personal safety which seem to be in conflict with my DD

OP posts:
callymarch · 30/06/2019 09:06

@Tallgreenbottle from the Oxford English dictionary

young adult

[ C ] a person who is in his or her late teenage years or early twenties

your circumstances are entirely different. You lived by yourself at 20 and of course had no-one to bother about if you didnt come home (or no-one was bothered if you didnt come home!)

TeenTimesTwo · 30/06/2019 09:08

OP I'm with you. Discourtious.(sp?)

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 09:08

@jennymanara
Are you serious? Of course I dont.
Be careful where you are going with this please.

OP posts:
jennymanara · 30/06/2019 09:08

@thesuzle Of course you are an adult at 20. And the brain keeps developing all your life.

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 09:10

Tbh it just looks like you were after an excuse to tell her to leave. You were angry with zero concern for her actual safety throughout. When she did get in touch you told he to reconsider her living arrangements

Wow. I dont think I actually have the words to respond to that.

OP posts:
RuthW · 30/06/2019 09:11

I'm glad she's safe it must have been awful for you. I would have called the oolice. I have a 22 year old dd and that would have been so out of character for.

jennymanara · 30/06/2019 09:11

@ineedhelptocope Apologies then. I misunderstood what you were saying.

It is a few weeks until your DD goes to university. I think she is moving out then? If yes then apologise for telling her to love out, and let her go to uni.

TeenTimesTwo · 30/06/2019 09:11

If the OP's DD was a fully grown adult she would have consideration for the people she lives with.

jennymanara · 30/06/2019 09:14

@RuthW Your DD has never done this before, OPs DD has done this 4 times before. The police would have simply guessed that the same had happened again, and they would have been right.

dylanthedragon · 30/06/2019 09:15

OP, I think you are right to be annoyed. She should have texted to let you know and not doing so was thoughtless. However, I do think YAB a bit B to ask her to leave. She's made a bad judgement call and messed up but throwing her out would damage your relationship long term. If she is off to Uni in a few months, you may not get the opportunity to build that relationship up again.

If it helps at all, my DH was at the baseball last night. It didn't end until nearly 11 pm - a lot later than he expected. He missed the last trains home and there's been chaos this morning on the trains due to the cricket.

Original poster
Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 09:15

Anyway...... I heartfelt thank you to the majority of posters. I appreciate it. Some really helpful and supportive advice and comments I will certainly take on board. Flowers

I will step away from the thread now as it seems as more and more people get up for their Sunday there are those who clearly want to stick the boot in where they can. I dont think I have the head space to deal with them right now

OP posts:
PhannyPharts · 30/06/2019 09:15

I cannot believe the flack OP is getting for simply asking for some common decency from a member of the household to let her know whether she will be home or not. And bearing in mind what had happened to her daughter previously I think she's been remarkably restrained.

She didn't ask for an itinerary. Just a short text to say her daughter will be home or not. It's basic bloody respect. When I was 20 and living with a housemate I would let her know if I was going to be home or not. I didn't feel stifled or controlled. I just understood she would want to know what was going on. When I lived at home I would text because i wouldn't WANT my parents to worry.

OP you are not unreasonable. You sound like a decent caring parent who is setting reasonable boundaries.

INeedNewShoes · 30/06/2019 09:16

I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect anyone living at your house to have the courtesy to let you know if they weren't coming home.

In my mid thirties if I was staying at my parents and went out and decided not to come home I would text my mum so that they weren't worrying.

All the shite about 'control' on this thread seems OTT.

I do think threatening to throw her out is an overreaction though.

I think it's important with things like this is to have a conversation about it once a few days have passed so that it can be a calm conversation.

As you say OP it's not as though you're even asking her to tell you where she is just some very basic information about whether she's coming home or not.

katewhinesalot · 30/06/2019 09:17

You haven't over reacted op.

Yanbu

Ash39 · 30/06/2019 09:17

The OP has clearly been up all night worried about her daughter. Some of these comments are unfair.

OP, I'm glad she's ok. Go and get some sleep, and speak to her calmly later. At the very least, you deserve an apology.

Fwiw, if she is living under your roof, the very least would be a courtesy text to you.

And OP, maybe get a few contact numbers/find my friends or Life360, just so you can check her whereabouts in future

Kissmycousinkate · 30/06/2019 09:18

Same rule in my house, it's all I ask they can come and go as they please. It's horrible wakening in the early hours and they are not back and no text
To be fair as the parent I would let my adult children know if I wasn't planning on returning for a night too

FreshAprilStart · 30/06/2019 09:18

I'd step away from this thread now @Ineedhelptocope

It's wake up time for the muppet MN community and helpful advice will dwindle as goading increases.

Sad fucks.

jennymanara · 30/06/2019 09:18

@PhannyPharts And if you had not texted would your housemate have shouted at you and told you to move out?

I agree that the DD should have texted. But what I think happened was that she was enjoying herself, forgot, and then when she remembered did not text as it was so late and she knew she would get shouted at. So just ignored the whole issue.

I am also amazed though that OP did not find out why she did not text first. Imagine if something had happened and the DD just gets a text to say move out?

Tuktuktaker · 30/06/2019 09:19

Some people on this thread should look up the words "control" and "courtesy" and understand the difference. (They should also develop empathy but I guess that can't be learned.)

BarbedBloom · 30/06/2019 09:20

I would wait and see what she says before jumping straight to getting her to leave. A few of my friends were at the baseball and missed last trains home. Could she have thought you'd be asleep by that point and planned to text before you got up?

I would have been worried sick and cross that she didn't text, but wouldn't kick her out when she is leaving in September anyway.

Knackeredmommy · 30/06/2019 09:21

I'm glad you've heard from her. I'm 40 yrs old and moved out of my parents house 20 yrs ago and my mum still checks I've got home safe if she knows I'm out. Being a parent doesn't stop at 18! You asked for a common courtesy and she was wrong to not send a simple text.
If you can't take the stress of not knowing if she's coming home, then absolutely suggest she looks for somewhere else to live. She's grown.