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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DD hasn't come home - AIBU?

373 replies

Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 03:13

DD went to London on train to attend an event with some people I dont know/have never met. She doesnt know them very well either. She is 20. I have very few house rules/expectations from her but one that is very important for me and agreed as a family is to have the courtesy to let someone know if anyone is not coming home so we are not worrying. She bloody knows this. I have sent her a text and just tried to call but getting no response. She has done this before and swore blind she wouldn't do it again. Even I let my DH know if I am going to stay at a friends and ditto him. I get she is an adult but while she lives here under my roof she knows it is a basic expectation. She can do want the hell she wants when she leaves home. I am so fucking mad at her right now. Am I asking to much of her? I genuinely dont know anymore.

OP posts:
flumpybear · 30/06/2019 09:22

Glad she's safe! I'm with you, it's a rule so you don't fret half the night, she's had fun but you've been up worrying - not good!

My parents were the opposite! It made me feel uncared for! My dad told me to visit my friend who lived about half a mile away, but I MUST let the phone ring 3x when I left her house as I was walking through quite a scary estate and through dark snickets to get home - I walked in the door at about 9:30pm, was 15 at the time, to hear him snoring like a train up in his bedroom 🤨
My mum was just as bad, i lived with her when I was 18-19 in the Home Counties and worked in London - I'd occasionally stay on a friends sofa on a Friday night, perhaps once a month, she told me don't bother ringing as you wake me up (8pm ish!) if you don't come home I'll assume you're staying with friends 😱 again, felt a bit like she didn't give a shit - I even said mum what if I'm in trouble though (before mobile phones) ... oh you'll be fine 😮
She should be grateful you care enough about her to be worrying

Quartz2208 · 30/06/2019 09:23

I think the circumstances make this very different OP and I think your and her reactions are based on this

She wants to be normal - she has experienced a horrible event (one that has been traumatising for you so must be horrific for her) and this I suspect is one way she blocks it out. Texting you is a reminder of that (you yourself have referred to it). Not doing so allows her to close that side of it off.

It doesnt help you though because you need her to text her and she needs to switch off and forget

Stop with the anger and have an honest conversation with her (and perhaps some counselling).

Allington · 30/06/2019 09:24

OP - I don't think your rules are unreasonable at all.

If her plans change, and she decides to stay out, she lets you know. Basic courtesy so you know nothing terrible has happened.

If this keeps happening then her apologies mean nothing.

I would tell her she needs to find somewhere else to live - your mother is offering her a room, or she can make her own arrangements. That you hope she'll visit you often (when she feels less angry with you), and that you can both have a more adult relationship when this point of contention is out of the way.

LuaDipa · 30/06/2019 09:26

Hi op, glad your dd is alright and just thoughtless.

I think your rules are absolutely fine and it is common courtesy to let whoever you live with know if you are not coming home. I am a fully grown woman and would always let dh know my plans so he doesn’t worry.

However, as a young adult, I wasn’t always as thoughtful with my dm. In my defence, mobile phones weren’t as available as they are now until I was around 19/20 at which point I no longer lived at home anyway. Looking back now I am utterly ashamed at the way I treated my dm in my late teens, but I do wonder if taking parents for granted is a bit of a right of passage. I didn’t see why I had to update dm as in my head I was an adult. Now I realise I was just a selfish little so and so and understand that she would have been worried sick.

falafelaboutit · 30/06/2019 09:28

OP, when this has happened before and she has text, have you replied questioning her? Or commented about who she's with / how well she knows them? I wonder if she feels a bit smothered by you and so is rebelling, avoiding the confrontation?

This was a rule in my house and so I'd just text 'not back tonight, see you tomorrow'. But that would be that (when in my 20s whilst living back at home briefly).

Obviously though this is without any past incidents, so I totally get where you're coming from. I'd be worried sick too. But I noticed above you wrote 'she knows how I feel about that' re: the people she barely knows and staying out, so I wonder if thats why she's avoiding the conversation

Dualmum · 30/06/2019 09:28

God you are not over reacting one bit. At the end of the day you are her mum and only want the best for her in terms of safety and security. Like you said you couldn't be bothered if she went out all she needs to do is let you know what's going on so that you're not sitting at home worrying if she's okay or not. I have a daughter and I would be out of my mind wondering if she's okay if she didn't message me to say all's well. People on here that are coming down on you are not fair at all. Your not controlling her you are a WORRIED parent! In the world we live in today messed up things happen all the time. I would give her an ultimatum of one last chance to respect your house rules or move!

ladyvimes · 30/06/2019 09:29

Of course OP was angry because what’s the alternative?? Better to go down the angry ‘she’s so inconsiderate not texting me’ than think of the worst (which I’m sure OP was doing).

Op my mum had a similar rule when I was young. I always let her know where I was as I respected that she would worry. For goodness sake she still waits up for me now if I occasionally stay at hers and I’m in my 30’s!!
It’s common courtesy and you have every right to be absolutely fuming!!

PepsiLola · 30/06/2019 09:30

I agree with the way the OP has reacted, her daughter was sexually assaulted two years ago, lord knows what OP and her DD have been through mentally over the last few years.

OP has two house rules, no drugs and let her know if you're not coming home (ultimately letting OP know she's safe)... she's not treating her like a kid! I would expect everyone adult or child to follow those rules.

When house rules are repeatedly broken well that person needs to rethink her living situation. She's 20, she is old enough to have her own place

Whisky2014 · 30/06/2019 09:31

Tuktuktaker

Some people on this thread should look up the words "control" and "courtesy" and understand the difference.

If you say to an adult "if you don't do X, then ill do x" as punishmemt, then that is actually a form of control.

Whatafackinliberty · 30/06/2019 09:33

If you'd gone to bed like a normal person last night then you'd just have got her good morning text when you woke up and spared yourself all this angst. Clearly you're massively overreacting.

Whisky2014 · 30/06/2019 09:33

I would expect everyone adult or child to follow those rules.
@pepsilola and if, say, it was a friend forgot to txt, how would you expect the op to react? I doubt it'd be in the form of a ranty txt. So this is where the daughter isn't being treated as an adult because the repercussions are still of that as if she were a child.

putthesneckon · 30/06/2019 09:34

This isn't just about easing your anxiety it's about keeping herself safe.

In my DD's students house of 8 students they have a calendar white board up and mark up if they won't be coming back to the house that night. if their plans change and they decide later they aren't returning they message their group WhatsApp.

They realise it's not just about stressy parents, it's about self care

crispysausagerolls · 30/06/2019 09:34

Is the girl choosing to stay at home though? Or is she just forced into it because she has a part time job and is still in education?

Irrelevant.

CrotchetyQuaver · 30/06/2019 09:35

@Ineedhelptocope I think you're being very reasonable. I'd go nuclear on her, it's not like she's not been warned. Your house, your rules. We have the same rule here, mine are 24 and 25. I'd have been worried sick too.
I'm not even sure I'd be inflicting her on my DM, rather I'd let her find her own place to live. Thanks

sleepwhenimred · 30/06/2019 09:36

I'm not sure why anyone thinks expecting a text to say you won't be home is controlling. I did it in my early 20s when I lived at home as a courtesy to stop my parents worrying.

Even now if my 6 foot something adult husband has a night out he texts me when he's leaving the pub so I know when he should be home. It's not controlling to want to know your loved ones are safe.

OP has clearly been awake all night and the negative comments are really unwarranted.

jennymanara · 30/06/2019 09:36

@putthesneckon sending a text makes no difference to keeping her safe.

TapasForTwo · 30/06/2019 09:36

"Clearly you're massively overreacting"

Clearly she isn't Hmm

The lack of empathy from some posters on here is astonishing. Have they never had to worry about their children? You don't stop loving or worrying about your children once they reach adulthood.

The overuse of the word "controlling" on this thread is getting annoying as well. IMO the OP is not controlling.

BlackCatSleeping · 30/06/2019 09:36

Well, I'm glad to hear your daughter is ok, but I also think you're massively over-reacting by kicking her out over this. Yes, she was rude and thoughtless, but your reaction is very disproportionate to what happened, especially as she has done this loads of times before.

TapasForTwo · 30/06/2019 09:38

Do you really think she will kick her daughter out? I don't.

UrsulaPandress · 30/06/2019 09:38

Gone to bed like a normal person???

Clearly some posters have no concept of parenting a late teen/early adult.

Meanmate · 30/06/2019 09:40

At 20 I had been living away for 2 years. She’s an adult. Stop controlling her.

jennymanara · 30/06/2019 09:40

People keep talking about how you would let any adult you share a house with if you are coming home or not. Then using the phrase "your house your rules". This is contradictory in tone. One is about mutual respect, the other is about control.
Sometimes control is warranted, but pretending its i not about control and just how you would treat any adult is intellectually dishonest.

jennymanara · 30/06/2019 09:41

@tapasfortwo I hope not. But if that is the case responding by text saying move out was extremely ill advised and will simply heighten tensions.

GreenDragon75 · 30/06/2019 09:43

I completely understand where you are coming from. We have adult children living at home and still expect a text if they aren’t coming home. It’s just common courtesy not controlling behaviour.
I probably wouldn’t notice until morning if they hadn’t as they don’t tend to get in until 5/6 if they have been clubbing. I don’t wait up but am a poor sleeper so have heard them.
On the occasion you describe though I don’t think I would have rested easy until I knew she was in.
Speak to her when you have calmed down though.
Also to pp incredulous that a 20 year old is still at home- that’s the society we live in. High rents and soaring house prices mean this is often the norm now. It’s nothing to do with anyone else either.

kamikazeee · 30/06/2019 09:43

Age doesn't come into it when there's been a sexual assault, sorry to those of you who think because 20 she should be left to it.

I was raped last year and I was 27. Not all women deal with rape the same way. After it happened to me, I lost all sense of danger. I kept putting myself in dangerous situations without realising. I didn't cope with it well and put myself at risk by going off with people I hardly knew.

OP is well within their right to feel this way about their own daughter. I wish I'd had a family member care about me that much when it happened to me.