My DD hasn't come home - AIBU?

[Ineedhelptocope]

DD went to London on train to attend an event with some people I dont know/have never met. She doesnt know them very well either. She is 20. I have very few house rules/expectations from her but one that is very important for me and agreed as a family is to have the courtesy to let someone know if anyone is not coming home so we are not worrying. She bloody knows this. I have sent her a text and just tried to call but getting no response. She has done this before and swore blind she wouldn't do it again. Even I let my DH know if I am going to stay at a friends and ditto him. I get she is an adult but while she lives here under my roof she knows it is a basic expectation. She can do want the hell she wants when she leaves home. I am so fucking mad at her right now. Am I asking to much of her? I genuinely dont know anymore.

Contraceptionismyfriend Totally hit the nail on the head! I'm currently reading another thread where the DH has stayed out and not text/phoned the OP etc and its erupted in to leaving his bags outside/ telling him to go to his parents/ change the locks/ tell him it's over etc etc

Absolutely crazy! the shit OP is getting for being worried about her Daughter as I know I would feel the same especially with the things you hear/read on the news in the papers /social media ..

Try and get some rest and sleep OP, and deal with feeling and emotions as the day goes on, it looks like you've woken up the nasty bitchy mumnetters this fine Sunday who simply need to crawl back from where they came from, there really are some horrible people

x

For the poster who said daughter is being 'forced' to stay at home, am sure she isn't,and if wanted to go get a job and support herself to live independently she could rather than living at home!

If it slipped my mind not to drive after I'd had a few drinks, or I didn't feel like getting car insurance, or I was having a nice time and didn't want to clear up dog shit that I'd walked all over a nice new carpet, or it'd slipped my mind that I wasn't supposed to kiss a married man.... I'm sure all those ppl who think it's fine if something you're repeatedly asked/required to do slips your mind would have something to say!

Of course that might not be as nice and comfortable as living at the parental home!

it looks like you've woken up the nasty bitchy mumnetters this fine Sunday who simply need to crawl back from where they came from, there really are some horrible people hmm

The OP asked if she was being unreasonable. Some people said yes and some said no. No one on this thread has been nasty or bitchy. If someone has, then report the post. Having a different point of view is not being horrible.

For what it's worth, if my husband stayed out all night with friends and didn't text, then yes, I'd be annoyed, but there's no way I'd be calling the police and hospitals.

You know, different people have different reactions.

@Blackcatsleeping 👏🏼

Glad your daughter is ok. I would just let it go when she gets home though. She will know that you have been worried and upset, overreaction or not - but as long as she apologised, that should be the end of it. “No worries, just don’t forget next time!”

"For what it's worth, if my husband stayed out all night with friends and didn't text, then yes, I'd be annoyed, but there's no way I'd be calling the police and hospitals."

Probably less chance of your husband being sexually assaulted whilst out with friends, though, don't you think, BlackCatSleeping?

@zippey and that would be fine. If this wasn't the next time x4.

tallgreen you come back on when you have an 18/19/20 year old and they are adults but still living in your house, of course one simple text is not too much to ask! You were a responsible adult at that age and able to do what you want BUT you weren’t living at home and therefore having someone worry about you. I know this will sound patronising but I honestly think you will feel different if/when you have children that age.
And whisky honestly one text just saying they are not coming home is not controlling, it’s simple politeness.
I have a 19 year old, she goes out until late, she would never just not text if wasn’t coming home as I would be beside myself worrying if she was safe.
Quite honestly if they are in a hotel room with Dave is totally up to them, don’t care, just a simple text saying staying out is all you need.
Particularly with Op’s daughter having missed the last train home and no other way of getting home of course you’d worry OP. I’m totally with you.
I guess you need to have another conversation about how much this behaviour worries you and she MUST just let you know you are safe. I hope she can see it and agrees.

Not at all unreasonable to want one text to say whether she would be home or not. I have a 24 year old, a 20 year old and a 16 year old, so right in the thick of that age group.

Eldest daughter does not live at home. Younger two do. That said, my current 20 year old seems to be of the ilk that never wants to go out except for college and work, whereas the eldest and the youngest are more like social butterflies, at least some of the time.

I think I will have more of an issue when my 16 year old gets to that age, as she is a flibbertigibbet, forgetful and lives totally in the moment.

Throwing her out is a very big gun to fire, though I understand the temptation when you have been worried all night. She's going to uni in a fairly short time. Keep your relationship on an even keel.

A child leaving for uni is hard as a parent. So try to be calm now and do nothing that will wreck your last few weeks with her living permanently at home. Apart from uni holidays, of course. You don't want to look back and wish you had acted differently.

Yes, she should text. I would worry too. She was thoughtless not to. Perhaps Marinamarinara has made a good point about your DD reacting to her previous assault? My 16 year old has mental health issues (not assault) and I think I can well imagine such a reaction from her, even if she wasn't aware of what she was actually doing.

Only a day or so a go a young woman went missing and heartbreakingly her body has been found. If that was your child, Whiskey, would you say you were over reacting if she hadn't called or answered any messages within a few hours and you were worried? How would you feel if someone told you you were? Have some bloody human decency.

it looks like you've woken up the nasty bitchy mumnetters this fine Sunday who simply need to crawl back from where they came from, there really are some horrible people hmm

It's "Am I Being Unreasonable" not "Validate Me Or Shut The Fuck Up".

Interestingly, yours is probably one of the most vitriolic posts on the thread so far. Ironic or what?

@SunshineCake It is incredibly rare for young women in the UK to be murdered by strangers. When this happens it is nearly always a partner, husband or male relative responsible.

@TooTrueToBeGood Hmmmmm 🤔 Here I was thinking should I go through all 13 pages to look for a prime example or wait and see if one magically appears and guess what???

Here you are 🏆🏅🍾 👑🥂🎉

Unless you're one of the people I meant as "Nasty" or "Bitchy" don't take it to heart darling as you were 🚶🏻‍♀️

😆

@jennymanara it's not that rare and tbh if it was your daughter would you care less if it was 1000s a year killed or just yours?

@sunshinecake Yes it is very rare. If my DD was killed by a pig falling on her I would be devastated. But we have to be realistic about what is really dangerous. For women the most risky thing they can do in Britain is get married.

If it had been one of mine -they would have been likely to have been reported missing to the police. Because:
The last text said she was heading home soon.
And then she stopped answering texts. Whatever she was doing it would have been simple to text "changed my mind staying out, see you tomorrow".

What if she had been mugged? Or worse?

My DD even texts to let me know she has got in (so when I've gone to sleep with her out - I know she is okay when I wake in the middle of the night).

Not rtft, but yadnbu. You don't need to know where she is, what she is doing or even who she is with, but you do need to know that she is safe, and given when she told you she would be back, she is completely in the wrong for not letting you know. If it helps, my 24yr old niece did this recently. Told fiance she was out with work mates and then going back to their shared flat. He works away and didn't expect to be back that weekend. Unexpectedly got time off and headed back at about 6 in the morning to find her not there. Not answering her phone and no activity on WhatsApp etc after 1am. At 7am he phoned her mother. At 8am they phoned the police on the nonemergency number. Police took it really seriously and started contacting her work etc. At 11am she surfaced at a friend's house to hundreds of messages asking if she was OK, and then had the police in touch to make absolutely sure she was fine. They rubbed it in that if anything bad had happened the first few hours are crucial and that for that reason alone she should always tell people if her plans changed. She then spent the next week at work (in a large organisation) with other staff (including lots she didn't know) asking her if she was OK. It really brought it home to her that her thoughtlessness had not just left others very worried but had consequences for her too.

Of course YNBU. You afford her respect as an adult and independent woman and she should reciprocate with similar courtesy. A few seconds to text change of plan, lock up and go to bed or whatever would have saved all your worry.

I'd have been worried too, not at the statistical likelihood she'd been murdered but the sudden drop of contact and no update. It's the fear of what could potentially happen. All those actual victims are someone's loved one. You only have to see the amount of missing persons circulated on Twitter to see the anguish family and friends go through and you're especially vulnerable to worry after she's been assaulted.

I grew up with strict parents and am usually the first one to say when I think an OP is being too strict or controlling.

I don't think this is the case here, it's normal common decency to let people in the family know you're not coming home if they were expecting you to.

You've already said, it isn't a rule for her because if her age - you & DH do the same.

I wouldn't ever think of staying out overnight without letting DH know not to expect me home.

Of course, if she's said she's coming home and doesn't you're going to worry about the worst.

It's very selfish and she needs to pull her socks up.

I'm 36 so obviously don't live at home. But I can absolutely guarantee if I was at home for any length of time my mum would be asking me if I was ok and expecting a text. I know she would worry and fret and I'd never do that to her.

@jennymara in area where l live there is a funeral for a woman who was abducted and murdered by a non relative/partner. It was weeks before her body was found and she went missing too after planning to 'be back soon', again multiple messages were sent to find out where she was, can't you just allow a stressed parent to be worried without your judging?!

A funeral this week.

@titania I am not saying it never happens. And yes if we are worried about someone all of us think of the worst case scenario. But the DD is safe. So yes it is absolutely fine to say that the murder of woman in Britain by strangers is very rare. The most dangerous thing you will do every day is get into your car and drive.