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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My DD hasn't come home - AIBU?

373 replies

Ineedhelptocope · 30/06/2019 03:13

DD went to London on train to attend an event with some people I dont know/have never met. She doesnt know them very well either. She is 20. I have very few house rules/expectations from her but one that is very important for me and agreed as a family is to have the courtesy to let someone know if anyone is not coming home so we are not worrying. She bloody knows this. I have sent her a text and just tried to call but getting no response. She has done this before and swore blind she wouldn't do it again. Even I let my DH know if I am going to stay at a friends and ditto him. I get she is an adult but while she lives here under my roof she knows it is a basic expectation. She can do want the hell she wants when she leaves home. I am so fucking mad at her right now. Am I asking to much of her? I genuinely dont know anymore.

OP posts:

MrsFezziwig · 30/06/2019 09:44

If I go to my friend’s house and walk home (about 40 mins) she asks me to text her when I get home safely. Didn’t realise she was “controlling” me, just happy that someone is concerned for my welfare.
I’m in my sixties by the way.

Skyejuly · 30/06/2019 09:44

YANBU

She is lucky to have you looking out for her

endofthelinefinally · 30/06/2019 09:46

All the people telling the OP she is over reacting are welcome to read my thread in the bereavement section.
Disasters are rare, but they do happen.
Parents do worry. We love our children, we spend years nurturing them and keeping them safe. We don't just switch that off.
My DC understand that.
They both live abroad now, but they message me regularly, they let me know their travel plans. Because they are considerate and they don't want me to worry.
Decent people do that.
My youngest is not much older than the OP's daughter, but she understands why parents worry.

BlackCatSleeping · 30/06/2019 09:49

It's not the request for a text that is controlling, but imagine if your friend totally freaked out because you forgot sometimes. If you woke up in the morning to multiple missed calls and texts and found out that your friend had stayed up all night and that she was threatening to never have you over again because of how you had treated her. That would seem over the top and controlling, right?

Birdie6 · 30/06/2019 09:50

I'm in my 60 s and I always text DD when I arrive home after leaving her place. She isn't controlling, she just loves and cares about me .

jennymanara · 30/06/2019 09:50

Its not over reacting in terms of her feelings. Its just of you want your kids to be honest even as adults, many will not be if you are angry with them. I know as a young adult I did not tell my mum things that would worry her as I did not want to deal with her reactions. Which actually made me more vulnerable as I could not talk to her about worrying situations that had happened.

Whatafackinliberty · 30/06/2019 09:52

Christ almighty. She forgot to text but obviously realised as soon as she woke up and text straight away then. Yes it's not ideal that she didn't text but it's really not worth the drama.

ilovepinkgin33 · 30/06/2019 09:55

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP...I wish we lived in a society where we didn't have to worry if our loved ones were going to make it through the door, let's not forget that every single day from some crime or other lives are taken. I'm glad your daughter is ok OP, it would have taken no effort to text you to say that she was staying out and save all that worry.

username6778 · 30/06/2019 09:55

Glad she's safe OP. Can't believe all the comments you are getting. It is not controlling to just want a text to know she is safe if she isn't coming home.

EleanorReally · 30/06/2019 09:55

i have been in your situation many many times.
i keep having to tell myself, No news is good news.

i remember clearly being glad I left home at nearly 20 so I didnt have to report in
but agree it is tough for all concerned.

madmumofteens · 30/06/2019 09:56

Ineedsomehelptocope firstly i am so relieved to know your DD is ok!! I am so sorry to hear your DD caused you so much worry and distress, some of the posters that are judging you on here have absolutely no idea what you and your family have had to endure and why you have reacted the way you have, I sincerely hope and pray they never have to!! You have every right to feel the way you do common curtesy is all you are asking for!!

Ladywillpower · 30/06/2019 09:56

When I was your DDs age (long before the advent of mobile phones) you would have to find a phone & have a possibly awkward conversation with your parents.
Nowadays a simple text (no questions asked) will suffice.
Your DD knows that you will worry & didn't bother to text. I wouldn't (& I suspect you won`t) throw her out because of this, however if her autonomy is so important to her & she feels that this interferes with her independence then she needs to find somewhere else to live.

WeMarchOn · 30/06/2019 09:56

@Ineedhelptocope I totally agree, she lives under your roof so she abides by your rules

Nanny0gg · 30/06/2019 09:57

I'm in my late 60s. I would inform my DH if I was staying out all night, as he would, me.

Age has nothing to do with it.

And yes she did text in the morning - without a word of apology, knowing how worried her mum would have been. That's the really thoughtless, unkind part.

Sooner she goes to university the better. Though the rules will still apply when she comes home.

eighteenandaching · 30/06/2019 10:01

I lived with my parents for a while when I was in my late 20s, and I would not have dreamt of not telling them if I wasn't coming home. Often I even phoned them so they knew I was ok and capable of decision making.

And, at your daughters age I would have told my flatmate if my plans changed.

DragonMamma · 30/06/2019 10:02

Fucking hell. This is like the twilight zone.

The OP has asked for a text. One text.

I was an absolute wild child when I was a young adult (and lived at home) and I would always text or call my mum to make sure she didn’t worry. I may have lied through my teeth about where I was but she would ultimately know I wasn’t coming home - sometimes it was for days.

pollypenguin01 · 30/06/2019 10:05

I would expect anyone living with me (with the exception of a lodger) to give me a quick text to let me know if they weren’t coming home, as I would do them.

I don’t care if they’re 16/20/50 yrs old, it’s just basic common curtesy!

God knows how some of these posters were dragged up!
I can just imagine they are breeding the entitled generation, where everything revolves around them and absolutely no thought has to be given to anyone else.
We already say how this generation is the most selfish and entitled, well now we know why.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/06/2019 10:07

Why is it when a husband goes out for 'one' then ghosts his wife who is up all night worrying posters will swarm on how to punish him and how disgusting his behaviour is but OP is being told she's controlling for requesting one text.

If DD wants to be unaccountable to anyone she can find her own place to live.

Mix56 · 30/06/2019 10:08

OP, I completely get where you are coming from.
She should go & live with Granny.

upple · 30/06/2019 10:09

Sleepless nights with a young child can be exhausting, but it's nothing compared to the sleepless and frankly, terrifying nights when they're older.

Been there, got the medal OP.

nwqueen · 30/06/2019 10:10

It's just common courtesy to let someone know if you'll be back later than expected, whatever the relationship or age. The OPs daughter clearly told her that she'd be back that night - to not let her know that she wouldn't is really inconsiderate. If she'd said she didn't know what her plans were and wasn't sure, it'd be totally different.

The people who are saying it's controlling, really? If you were expecting family to visit for lunch and they said they'd be with you at 12am and by 6pm they still hadn't shown up, you wouldn't be worried or pissed off? You wouldn't try to text them or call to see what had happened? That's no different from the OPs daughter saying she'd be home that night and then not turning up. Age, independence, etc have nothing to do with it.

Ariadnewin · 30/06/2019 10:15

I'm 23, don't live at home with my parents anymore, but sometimes I visit them for a while and meet friends for a night out who live nearby - I would never dream of not texting my parents to let them know I might not be in in the morning but not to worry. I'm pretty sure my own grandfather texts his wife to let her know if he will be out later than expected too.

Loveislandfan · 30/06/2019 10:19

People are being ridiculous.

If someone’s husband/wife went for a night out and didn’t let someone know they weren’t coming home it would be perfectly acceptable to be up in arms, call police stations and hospitals etc. But because it’s a 20 year old OP is overreacting?

smallereveryday · 30/06/2019 10:19

I am usually the voice calling all the pearl clutching helicopter mothers to calm down and stop trying to run their adult children's lives. I am very laid back to the point of being called irresponsible, quite a number of times in here - for allowing mixed camping in the garden 🤭 , 'letting' 18 yr old have a gap year travelling. .. blah blah blah... BUT

YANBU.. teenagers are often self absorbed and thoughtless of others feelings (especially parents) .. but this does not mean she has a free pass to trample on your feelings.
A request that she says '1 text to say 'staying out , won't be home'
Is NOT controlling.

MarinaMarinara · 30/06/2019 10:20

Glad your daughter got in contact OP. Completely understand why you were so worried.

Just a thought, given the horrible experience your daughter has had before - and also something a PP had mentioned. A friend of mine was the victim of a sexual assault when we were in our mid 20s. She had done all the things you are told to do to keep your self safe (meet in public, arrange own transport) and was even mindful of the stuff victim-blame-y people pick on (no “provocative” clothing, didn’t drink too much). It still happened, which was awful. For a while after, once she was happy to go out again, she had this kind of “fuck it” reaction - she later described it as not wanting to be “defined” by the assault with a large dose of “if it still happens when I do everything right why the fuck shouldn’t I do whatever I want”. That translated as disappearing all night (she lived alone but as her friends we worried), heavy drinking and real risk taking. Could some of this be a reaction to the assault? My friend was also infuriated by anyone else being worried about her because of the assault - did the whole “how dare you suggest you’re impacted by the assault that happened to me” thing. But her friends and family obviously were worried. In the end, counselling made an enormous difference for her. That, and time (a number of years). I haven’t AS ‘d but sounds as though your daughter’s assault was relatively recent.

Good luck and hope all goes well for you and DD.

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