Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over reacting? Would this be a deal breaker for you?

192 replies

Ironhelpsusplay · 29/06/2019 14:10

I think men that pay women for sex are disgusting and I've always said it would be a deal breaker for me if someone I was dating had ever done so in the past.

I would never flat out ask someone I was dating this just in case I got the answer I didn't want.

New dp and I have been dating 4 months, we were chatting this morning. He is very honest and open and he just casually mentioned about 5 years back on a lads holiday in Amsterdam they were egging him on to sleep with a prostitute, he didn't want to sleep with her but let her give him a handjob, his friends paid.

Instantly felt a bit sick and was a bit cold towards him, he said he was young and regrets. He went home in the end, was a bit awkward.

If he slept with a prostitute with his own money and without the peer pressure from his mates, if he made that decision to do it it would be a flat out I don't want to date you any more, but I guess this is a bit different isn't it? Is it?

Tell me if I'm over reacting! Need some opinions.

Would this be a deal breaker for you?

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 29/06/2019 14:12

It would be for me, absolutely. I'm not saying he's an all round horrible person, but peer pressure when you're an adult is a shit excuse for paying a woman for sexual acts.
A man who can't stand up to his friends sounds pretty immature and easily led which doesn't bode well either.

TheInebriati · 29/06/2019 14:13

I would assume he actually used a prostitute but didn't want to say that straight out and was testing you. But then I've seen so much shitty behaviour I'm extremely cynical.

GruciusMalfoy · 29/06/2019 14:13

I'd never be with someone who actively sought out a sex worker, and saw nothing wrong with it. This sort of peer pressure scenario would make me think about it. It would depend on his age at the time, and how much he regretted it.

VivienneHolt · 29/06/2019 14:14

It doesn’t matter if it would be a deal breaker for anyone else - it only matters if it’s a deal breaker for you.

Might be worth thinking about the reasons why you feel this way about men who pay for sex. Is it because you think it’s disrespectful to women, for instance. If that’s it, do you feel that your partner is disrespectful to women? Or is that not what happened in this situation? If you can unpack it it might help you decide if you can move past this, or if it’s something that is over the line.

Either way, I hope you are ok whatever you decide Flowers

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 29/06/2019 14:17

It wouldn't matter to me, if I'm being perfectly honest: most of us have a past.

What's important here is how you feel about it? If you're genuinely not comfortable, I don't think that you can ease your feelings by telling yourself it wasn't his money. I really don't see that as relevant.

Either you can let it go, which is fine. Or you can't and you move on, which is also fine.

MamaWeasel · 29/06/2019 14:20

Not a deal breaker for me

MysweetAudrina · 29/06/2019 14:24

Not a deal breaker for me. There are lots of reasons men pay for sex the same as there are lots of reasons women sell it. Obviously if it happened while in a committed relationship with me it would be a deal breaker.

Original poster
Ironhelpsusplay · 29/06/2019 14:24

I 100% believe that's all it was and he wasn't testing me

Maybe I'm just naive but I have no reason to believe it was anything more than that...

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 29/06/2019 14:25

I think men that pay women for sex are disgusting and I've always said it would be a deal breaker for me if someone I was dating had ever done so in the past. I would never flat out ask someone I was dating this just in case I got the answer I didn't want.

This is pretty hypocritical, imo. It would be a dealbreaker but not if he keeps it a secret?

I think people are allowed to make mistakes, acknowledge them and move on. It doesn't sound like this is something your dp really wanted to do even then. I would make it clear that it's not a thing you would be willing to forgive in the future, explain why it's such a serious matter to you, and then move on.

MammaMia19 · 29/06/2019 14:27

I honestly think this is more common than women realise. It wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me because I could reel off a list of guys that have done that in Amsterdam. I’m not saying it’s right and I don’t agree with it, but like pp said everyone has a past.

Teddybear45 · 29/06/2019 14:27

If this was limited to a single trip to Amsterdam then I think you’re being pretty hypocritical.

Iliterallycantthinkofanythingq · 29/06/2019 14:28

No, not for me. Not in the scenario you described. I wouldn't really care about this.

boredboredboredboredbored · 29/06/2019 14:29

No a one off hand job in Amsterdam wouldn't be a deal breaker for me personally. Somebody who had regularly paid for sex would be. It is how YOU feel about it though. If the relationship is good is it worth throwing away for one act in the past?

Jog22 · 29/06/2019 14:32

I agree about it being in the past. We all have done things we regret. He's been open about it that's good. It's an opportunity to talk about what 'sex work' (don't like that name as it normalises it) involves and to find out his views of women in general.

Notthetoothfairy · 29/06/2019 14:33

It wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me in the circs described. Is it any better morally for a guy to have had multiple ONSs?

MyOpinionIsValid · 29/06/2019 14:33

Peoples past lives are just that, in the past. If you are judging someone by yesteryear, then you are going to go through life very lonely.

SoundsAboutRight · 29/06/2019 14:36

He was young, he made a mistake, have you never done anything you're a tiny bit ashamed of? I certainly have, but it doesn't make me a bad person. How would you feel if you were judged for something you did once and you cannot change. I would appreciate his honesty and get over it unless there are lots of other things wrong with the relationship.

Nothingsuitsmelikeasuit · 29/06/2019 14:37

It would be a dealbreaker for me. You can’t buy consent and I would much rather date someone who had had multiple one night stands than done this. What will he let his friends pressure him into next?

As an aside, why would a group of men pressure one of the group to pay for a lap dance/handjob/sex - what is in it for them? It’s always baffled me.

MirriVan · 29/06/2019 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 29/06/2019 14:40

Yup

Fyette · 29/06/2019 14:43

Having paid for sex, especially in Amsterdam where this is legal, would not be a dealbreaker for me.

Caving to peer pressure and letting friends buy him a handjob while it went against his own code of ethics might be though. Depends how young he was.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 29/06/2019 14:46

It would be s deal breaker for me. Peer pressure is no excuse. I'd be thinking he probably went further than that but isn't telling you.

Bluerussian · 29/06/2019 14:49

He's older now and hopefully has not done and will not do it again. It isn't pleasant to think about but such things happen and you either accept it or get rid of him.

Someone above said, "Haven't we all done something we are ashamed of?". My answer to that is, "Yes".

You've not been keeping company with him for very long, take time to really get to know him, warts and all, before committing yourself.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 29/06/2019 14:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

HollowTalk · 29/06/2019 14:53

I'd be looking at his friendships, tbh. Is he still friends with that group?