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Original poster

Am I over reacting? Would this be a deal breaker for you?

192 replies

Ironhelpsusplay · 29/06/2019 14:10

I think men that pay women for sex are disgusting and I've always said it would be a deal breaker for me if someone I was dating had ever done so in the past.

I would never flat out ask someone I was dating this just in case I got the answer I didn't want.

New dp and I have been dating 4 months, we were chatting this morning. He is very honest and open and he just casually mentioned about 5 years back on a lads holiday in Amsterdam they were egging him on to sleep with a prostitute, he didn't want to sleep with her but let her give him a handjob, his friends paid.

Instantly felt a bit sick and was a bit cold towards him, he said he was young and regrets. He went home in the end, was a bit awkward.

If he slept with a prostitute with his own money and without the peer pressure from his mates, if he made that decision to do it it would be a flat out I don't want to date you any more, but I guess this is a bit different isn't it? Is it?

Tell me if I'm over reacting! Need some opinions.

Would this be a deal breaker for you?

OP posts:
Chloe9 · 29/06/2019 18:45

It wouldn't be for me because we have all done foolish things when young and/or drunk

Eaudear · 29/06/2019 19:07

This wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, if he was young and says he regrets it.

In the earlier time of our relationship DH went on a lot of birthdays and stag dos to strip clubs, including getting private dances. It was just the thing to do and I think I was trying to be a bit 'cool girl' about it all, and it didn't really bother me (until he went to one on one weekend away when it wasn't any sort of special occasion and I did get quite cross then).

But since then my views on the whole thing have changed quite dramatically and to be honest I think his have changed a bit as a result. It's kind of quite a long time since he has been on stag dos etc now so I don't know what he would do, and I'm not naive enough to think that he would actively refuse, but I do know that a lot of what I have discussed with him about women in the sex industry has taken a lot of the 'shine' off the whole thing, and it's certainly not nearly as appealing for him as it once was!

People change, he has been honest with you, and as far as you know it's not something that he is planning to do any time soon. Make it clear that you find that stuff totally unacceptable, but don't hold it against him now, move on from it.

Yousicktwistedfruit · 29/06/2019 19:28

Not a deal breaker for my fiancé of nearly 2 years lost his virginity to an escort when he was 18 it doesn’t bother me because it was so long ago he used protection and other than her I’m the only other person that he’s slept with.

TheDarkPassenger · 29/06/2019 19:34

This wouldn’t bother me at all.

However it seems as though you’re excusing changing your beliefs which is no good starting a relationship, you don’t want to start dropping your personal morals for someone else.

Companion42 · 29/06/2019 19:56

This would be a deal breaker for me, yes, as it's so disrespectful

The important thing here is your own boundaries though, OP. It might be hard to drop a promising relationship but if this is important to you it's better to do it now rather than later.

IncrediblySadToo · 29/06/2019 19:58

I think you’re twisting your morals because you don’t want to dump him. That’s fine but own it.

Most people have sex in exchange for something thats not ‘love’ at some point in their lives prostitutes are just more open about it I’ve had FWB SITUATIONS and really it’s no different, we’re simply both getting sexual enjoyment instead of one of us handing over cash

Obviously the nasty side of it all trafficking/pimps/drugs/other shit needs to be considered but a woman genuinely deciding of her own free will to exchange sex for money 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m not about to say she’s disgusting or the man paying is either grown consulting adults.

But YOU need to live with yourself and your decision about this, it doesn’t matter one bit what any of us think about it

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 29/06/2019 20:07

It was five years ago, which in the grand scheme of people developing and maturing wasn't long ago (although the difference between an 18 and a 23 year old will be bigger than 40 and 45, so she is relevant and I don't think we know that).

Bowing to peer pressure is a turn off.

"He let her give him a hand job" Gee, lucky lady Hmm ...that wording seems off too me.

breakfastpizza · 29/06/2019 20:21

He exploited a vulnerable woman for his own sexual gratification. Unless his mates pinned him down, he's responsible for his own actions.

If you've ever been to the red light district, it's fucking grim. Beyond depressing. I was more depressed by that than Anne Frank's house.

Absolute dealbreaker for me.

Original poster
Ironhelpsusplay · 29/06/2019 21:18

Thanks for all your opinions, it's really interesting to hear people views on this.

He was 23 and a virgin, which is probably why his mates were egging him on.

My wording was off, it was a rushed post, he didn't use the words I let her give me a handjob. He told her he didn't want to have sex with her, she said can I give you a handjob then and he said alright then....

I would much prefer he had loads of ONS's than this, like previous posters have said money doesn't equal consent.

OP posts:
Fyette · 29/06/2019 21:28

If you've ever been to the red light district, it's fucking grim. Beyond depressing.

Meh. The prostitutes working the windows in Red Light District are independent business woman with official papers who pay taxes. The owners renting out the windows get into a lot of trouble if anything is not in order, so they are very careful to run background checks. It's all strictly regulated by the Amsterdam city council, there is a lot of police, and window prostitutes are very much in the public eye, so chances that any one of them is working against their will are really quite low. Getting harder for them to earn money, though, because they're mostly seen as a tourist attraction and customers feel too self-conscious in that setting. Also, the customers that do come may be a bit crazier - or a bit more inexperienced with buying sex and therefore unaware of proper etiquette - or indeed be some British guy out on a stag do caving to peer pressure. I suppose that's pretty depressing.

So, OP, if your DP got a handjob from a window prostitute, she would have been a tax-paying and independent professional, if that helps.

Bluerussian · 29/06/2019 21:40

We have to move away from the idea that prostitutes are always fragile, vulnerable people. We know some are - at the mercy of pimps and take drugs, etc, but a lot are quite independent and know what they are doing.

I wouldn't like the idea of my husband having been to a prostitute so I know how you feel but it isn't unusual for young chaps abroad, an experience to tick off the list. Let's face it, nothing much happened and it was quite a long time ago. In your place I'd probably let it go.

However, as I said before, you've only been together for four months, it's a new relationship and too early to make a commitment.

Beaverdam · 29/06/2019 21:42

Deal breaker for me. I would be repulsed by this.

SmileEachDay · 29/06/2019 21:48

We have to move away from the idea that prostitutes are always fragile, vulnerable people. We know some are - at the mercy of pimps and take drugs, etc, but a lot are quite independent and know what they are doing

The fact that “some” (actually the overwhelming majority) are is exactly why we don’t need to move away from this idea. I’m not ok with any women being exploited, abused or raped so that men can have sex and other men can make money. Are you?

RichPetunia · 29/06/2019 21:53

You could be sacrificing a perfectly good relationship for something that happened before he knew you. If you decide to continue in the relationship do so knowing this is something you can't keep bringing up anytime you're feeling a bit hacked off, so you need to be sure you can let the subject go.
It happened before he knew you.
Not a deal breaker and to be honest not much happened.

Pa1oma · 29/06/2019 22:02

I have to be honest and say that this would be a dealbreaker for me. Firstly because I wouid just see him as a bit sad and pathetic once I knew that. Secondly, I wouid find it a turn-off sexually. And finally, it’s a personal principle of mine that paying for sex, or sexual favours, is reprehensible. You can never be sure of the woman’s background or what has led her to be there in that situation - and the point is, how many men would even consider that or bother to ask? You can’t buy consent and that’s that as far as I’m concerned. Sorry, but no.,

SallyWD · 29/06/2019 22:07

This one off isolated case years ago wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

ChristmasFluff · 29/06/2019 22:22

The thing is, it doesn't matter what anyone else's dealbreakers are, this is about YOUR dealbreakers - so is this a dealbreaker or not?

And bear in mind, according to him, he only had a handjob to do the poor desperate prostitute a favour. That type of lying would be a dealbreaker for me, whatever my thoughts on prostitutes.

Lying little shit.

ChristmasFluff · 29/06/2019 22:25

And in my mind, it would be 'it's only 4 months, I can do better'. Not, 'oh, it's only 4 months, better be a cool girl in case I end up a spinster.'

Listen to your uncomfortableness. Trust yourself. Or one day, maybe many years down the line, you will wish you had.

Yawninfinitum · 29/06/2019 22:32

Oh god OP I have been where you are

It was always a total red line for me.

In the early days of our relationship I asked then DP and he said an almost identical story. He was clearly embarrassed and v ashamed of it and repeated that he regretted being weak and not saying no when he was egged on. The whole group basically did similar, some loving it, some very reluctant and caught up in it.
He said he felt he was pathetic for not having walked away but had always felt awful and never ever done same again.

I chose to believe him as it seemed out of character for him.

So glad I did. 26 years of marriage and four kids later and he has been the absolutely best husband I could ever have dreamed of. He is a kind principled strong man and brings our boys up to be feminists and respectful of women. He has never given me any reason not to trust him fully and I simply cannot see that one action in the man I now know.

I think teenage peer pressure is enormous and just like most of us, we do things we later regret and wouldn’t ever consider doing with some experience behind us.

So for all I now stand for, I am glad I let that one go.

SagAloojah · 29/06/2019 22:43

he didn't want to sleep with her but let her give him a handjob, his friends paid.

So he didn’t use the words ‘let her’ but you did? You’re basically making excuses for him so you can continue to see him.

Which is fine, but I don’t think you have as much integrity as you like to think you do. (That’s not a dig, few people do).

Justaboy · 29/06/2019 23:13

Well I don't believe him just had a hand job?, very poor show!, and to have to be egged on by his mates! When I were that age you wouldn't have had to egg me on i'd just be there!

Never been tho to Amsterdam that is!

Bit of an animal in those days ONS's by the dozens but over time mellowed and settled quite some time ago. But that was how it was and that was then.

Now is now.

breakfastpizza · 29/06/2019 23:28

We have to move away from the idea that prostitutes are always fragile, vulnerable people.

No, we fucking don't.

I think teenage peer pressure is enormous and just like most of us, we do things we later regret and wouldn’t ever consider doing with some experience behind us.

He was 23.

flossie86 · 29/06/2019 23:29

It was part of his past that he shared with you, everyone has skeletons in their closets, the fact that he shared this when he didnt necessarily have to is a good thing imo he could have kept this from you but didnt. Not a deal breaker for me but of course its each to their own

BertrandRussell · 29/06/2019 23:33

@Bluerussian -could you provide evidence for the statement “but a lot [of prostitutes] are quite independent and know what they are doing” please?

WipeYourFeetOnTheRhythmRug · 29/06/2019 23:34

Deal breaker for me I’m afraid. The idea of paying for consent is abhorrent - even when it’s to a “tax-paying businesswoman”🙄

But as everyone has said - this is you and only you know your “line”.