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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I over reacting? Would this be a deal breaker for you?

192 replies

Ironhelpsusplay · 29/06/2019 14:10

I think men that pay women for sex are disgusting and I've always said it would be a deal breaker for me if someone I was dating had ever done so in the past.

I would never flat out ask someone I was dating this just in case I got the answer I didn't want.

New dp and I have been dating 4 months, we were chatting this morning. He is very honest and open and he just casually mentioned about 5 years back on a lads holiday in Amsterdam they were egging him on to sleep with a prostitute, he didn't want to sleep with her but let her give him a handjob, his friends paid.

Instantly felt a bit sick and was a bit cold towards him, he said he was young and regrets. He went home in the end, was a bit awkward.

If he slept with a prostitute with his own money and without the peer pressure from his mates, if he made that decision to do it it would be a flat out I don't want to date you any more, but I guess this is a bit different isn't it? Is it?

Tell me if I'm over reacting! Need some opinions.

Would this be a deal breaker for you?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 29/06/2019 17:07

Not a deal breaker for me. Dh said he never did anything like this and we have a pretty honest relationship.... obvs I cannot tell for sure. Peer pressure can be very strong. It sounds to me as if he just paid for the minimum to get them off his back.

Huskylover1 · 29/06/2019 17:08

This really highlights the vast difference between men and women, and their whole attitude to sex, doesn't it?

Can you imagine a scenario, where a group of women are having a night out, and a few of the girls club together to buy a friend a fingering from a male prostitute? Whereupon the lucky lady just accepts this "gift" and whips her knickers off allowing this stranger to finger her? I mean it just would never happen.

For me it boils down to him just whipping out his cock for anyone even strangers. Completely Uurgh for me.

Buddytheelf85 · 29/06/2019 17:11

Personally, I think it would be a dealbreaker for me. Mainly because the story as told to you is so implausible. Why would his mates be egging HIM in particular on to sleep with a prostitute? Was it a stag or his birthday or something? Why did they pay for him - why wouldn’t they buy themselves sex/sexual favours? Why did he cave to peer pressure? Why wasn’t he comfortable with having sex with her but managed to compromise at ‘letting her’ give him a handjob? It just doesn’t make sense.

carefulfox · 29/06/2019 17:17

@PositiveVibez what would you say then about women who have paid for sex (as I have)?

carefulfox · 29/06/2019 17:24

and actually there is a world of difference betwen trapped women in a brothel and a businesswoman who decides to make an extremely lucrative living by offering a service. I would not have made that choice myself, but I do not look down on those who do.

cuppycakey · 29/06/2019 17:31

This would be a total deal breaker for me.

However, as PP have said, this is irrelevant as all that matters is how you feel about it.

Only four months in I would probably just call time on it.

Maybelle15 · 29/06/2019 17:36

All men do it. A friend of a friend has worked in many places over the years. The stories I’ve heard are depressing

SunshineCake · 29/06/2019 17:43

Sounds like you think you'd do something as it sounds strong but the reality is you like this man more than you want to stick to what you thought were your principles.

In my late teens I dated two men that slept with prostitutes, I didn't like it but didn't think much about it. Now it would definitely be a deal breaker and I would stop seeing them.

LL83 · 29/06/2019 17:46

Are you the same person you were as a young adult? Have you ever regretted a decision?

If he was bragging or would do it again i would be upset. Sharing a regretful decision as a young man shows honesty.

If I were him I would have doubts about you for being so judgemental.

Armadillostoes · 29/06/2019 17:50

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me because he regrets it and sees it as a mistake of which he is ashamed. If he was cool about it I would see it differently

PositiveVibez · 29/06/2019 17:51

what would you say then about women who have paid for sex (as I have)?

I'd say you're action were pretty gross too.

Paying another human for your own sexual gratification is cheap, whether you've paid a lot of money for it, or a tenner.

I can't help but think of the path these people have been down, which has lead them to prostitution. Whether they make a fortune, or just have to sell their bodies so survive.

I certainly do not look down on them or judge them. I do judge the people who pay to use their bodies though.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 29/06/2019 17:57

No one is perfect we have all made mistakes
If he is respectful to you and women in general and regrets his youthful mistake then I’d be a bit more flexible and forgiving

Nicolastuffedone · 29/06/2019 17:58

Did a big boy make him do it???

akmum18 · 29/06/2019 17:59

I think you’re being a bit dramatic sorry, everyone has a past and the majority of young lads have done something appalling they regret later on. For it to affect a relationship is cruel imo. As long as he is clear of stds I wouldn’t hold his past against him. Completely different if it was recent/a regular thing but I’d let it go if it were me.

feistymumma · 29/06/2019 18:03

Not a deal breaker in the slightest.

Writersblock2 · 29/06/2019 18:07

For me it would depend on his views about prostitution now. If he was talking about it like it was fun, acceptable, but he wishes he hadn’t because it was “sorta seedy” then it would be a deal breaker, but if he had genuinely grown as a person and realised that prostitution isn’t consent then I would accept it as a mistake he’s learned from. I would still be wary moving forward though.

OldAndWornOut · 29/06/2019 18:10

No, not a deal breaker for me.

Lipz · 29/06/2019 18:11

Have you seen the red light district ? The women are like models in the windows. The guys all stand outside the windows cheering, laughing, and they pick who they want by pointing to the girl and she opens the door and they discuss what he wants , in front of the crowds of people at the door. The person going in is well up for it. Who ever is paying the person going in doesn't need much egging on. I am and was very open minded but when I seen it with my own eyes it's it turned my stomach, i realised i wasn't as opened mind, but the 4 girls i was with felt the same, it's only until you actually see how it starts and the bloke disappearing inside the door that you realise how seedy it is.

As it happened in his past there's not much you can do, it totally depends on your views of prostitution. If it's something you can live with then leave it in the past. If you are worried about safety etc they practice safe sex, just in case you are wondering if he actually had full sex. The cost between full sex and a hand job weren't significant so most go for full sex. The women are getting well paid for it, it's a booming business over there with half the visitors high on space cakes or smoking hash.

Its really down to what you can live with. For me having seen it I just feel sick at the thoughts of it. It's seedy , being high either on hash or adrenaline and peer pressure can entice a man in.

I never thought I would think like this but there you go. Witnessing it changed my mind and for ages after I just thought all men were arses. But look, it's up to you, it could all have been a bit of fun with mates, it does happen, it was his past and not now.

SunshineCake · 29/06/2019 18:19

@RossBoss - you need to start your own thread to get responses.

I'd feel the same and your husband should be making you feel like he is recommitted to your marriage.

SunshineCake · 29/06/2019 18:20

Not all men pay for a prostitute.

Tallgreenbottle · 29/06/2019 18:25

@Huskylover1 but that does happen 😂

Have you never been to Amsterdam? Have you never seen a hen party gone riot?

How sheltered are you? That happens every weekend in every city just as it does with men.

Ellabella989 · 29/06/2019 18:26

If it was definitely just a handjob (I suppose you can never know for certain if that’s the truth or not though) then I would be very pissed off about it but it probably wouldn’t be a deal breaker as we all have a past and if it wasn’t just a one off silly thing that he regrets then I’m sure he wouldn’t mention it to you at all. He’d keep it to himself if he was planning on doing stuff like that again

ThinThighsPlease · 29/06/2019 18:27

Wouldn't give a shit to be honest

Pinkfinkle · 29/06/2019 18:28

Not sure. If he was very young at the time (and I’m talking teens or very early twenties) then I don’t think it would be a dealbreaker. We’ve all fallen sour to peer pressure at that age and also all done some really daft regrettable things. He didn’t say it proudly, he said he was embarrassed and regretted it so he accepts it was wrong. We all make mistakes.

cocodash · 29/06/2019 18:31

I think there's a big difference to being young and visiting a prostitute one upon a time in Amsterdam where, let's be honest, it's part of the culture, to regularly visiting prostitutes or sex workers in the uk.

Not a deal breaker for me.