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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over reacting? Would this be a deal breaker for you?

192 replies

Ironhelpsusplay · 29/06/2019 14:10

I think men that pay women for sex are disgusting and I've always said it would be a deal breaker for me if someone I was dating had ever done so in the past.

I would never flat out ask someone I was dating this just in case I got the answer I didn't want.

New dp and I have been dating 4 months, we were chatting this morning. He is very honest and open and he just casually mentioned about 5 years back on a lads holiday in Amsterdam they were egging him on to sleep with a prostitute, he didn't want to sleep with her but let her give him a handjob, his friends paid.

Instantly felt a bit sick and was a bit cold towards him, he said he was young and regrets. He went home in the end, was a bit awkward.

If he slept with a prostitute with his own money and without the peer pressure from his mates, if he made that decision to do it it would be a flat out I don't want to date you any more, but I guess this is a bit different isn't it? Is it?

Tell me if I'm over reacting! Need some opinions.

Would this be a deal breaker for you?

OP posts:
lljkk · 29/06/2019 15:42

I reckon I've done something worse than OP's boyfriend did.
So I'd be a hypocrite to reject him for that past.
I'm not opposed to all prostitution, either.
So no, not deal-breaking.

OralBElectricToothbrush · 29/06/2019 15:45

Sure @OralBElectricToothbrush you never ever ever in your life would have succomb to peer pressure.

To buy sex acts as an adult, or ever? Nope, can't say I have.

Opossooom · 29/06/2019 15:47

Yuck. Turned my stomach reading it. I’m very very weird about this though. I understand I’m a bit ott but it would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. Regardless of how much I love my partner. Yuuuuuuuuuck! But OP it wouldn’t for most so you seriously don’t need to worry about it... you seem relatively sure you can get over it.

diddl · 29/06/2019 15:48

Tbh I think that 4months in I'd just cut my losses & leave.

Goingonagondola · 29/06/2019 15:48

I worry that he's minimising it - they were pressuring him, they wanted him to sleep with her but he 'only' had a handjob, they paid... That doesn't sound like someone who is sorry and ashamed and has learned a lesson.

And the fact that he just casually mentioned it is also not a sign of being sorry and ashamed.

Red flag for me. I don't care if people say 'it's not a big deal' - treating women's bodies as a purchasable commodity is a big deal to me.

bpirockin · 29/06/2019 15:53

I have very strong views on this myself, but if he treats you well, it was a long time ago and he regrets the incident I hope that I would manage to put it aside. It could just as easily have been a one night stand 'paid' for with a couple of drinks and a smile. That's my rational response.

I know in my heart, however, that it would be 'lurking' and if I saw anything remotely indicating that he was still the same easily-led person, I would have to call it a day for my own sanity. It makes me think of stag parties where friends act like the guy has a "free pass" for the evening, the thought of which would be sickening to me.

I hope you can go with a rational response, rather than the gut reaction if you believe that he really is a decent guy who made a mistake, as we humans do.

Ineedhelptocope · 29/06/2019 15:53

That's the thing about deal breakers....... easy to make for yourself in a hypothetical sense but when faced with the reality not always so easy to follow through on. I feel in this case you are looking for a get out clause in that HE didn't pay for sexual services and he succumbed to peer pressure to technically speaking it doesn't go against your principles. But is kind of does really.

Shodan · 29/06/2019 16:10

It would be a dealbreaker for me tbh. XH once 'fessed up to a trip to a strip club (before he met me) where 'someone else' paid for him to have a lap dance, and I found that difficult enough to get past.

A handjob though? That would be over the line for me. It's the Ick Factor AND the fact that a so-called grown-arsed adult male can succumb to 'peer pressure'. The best men I know have never found it a problem to say 'No thanks'.

But as this thread clearly shows, it isn't a dealbreaker for everyone. You have to decide whether it is or not for yourself. I would venture to suggest that the very fact you're asking the question points to it being a dealbreaker for you- if it wasn't, you'd have no need to ask.

WhatsInAName19 · 29/06/2019 16:12

he didn't want to sleep with her but let her give him a handjob

Gosh. Wasn't that nice of him 🙄

You cannot, as one PP put it very well, buy consent. There are always those (see a number of PPs upthread) who use the argument that not all prostitutes are trafficked or desperate. Some of them just love being used as a vessel for a man to ejaculate into, apparently. The problem is, how does a punter ascertain whether the woman he is about to pay for the use of her body is a prostitute through choice or through necessity/by force? The simple fact is that this cannot be ascertained with any sort of reliability. I mean, a trafficked woman with a violent pimp isn't going to risk admitting to that. And a woman who is poverty stricken can't afford to lose the business, so she probably won't tell a punter the truth. I would be amazed if this issue even crossed the minds of the vast, vast majority of punters tbh. Or it does cross their mind but they don't give a shit as long as they get to ejaculate in/on another person.

For me it's a deal breaker. People who buy sex cannot possibly know whether the person who is selling it is vulnerable or not. They can't know if it's rape or not. Which means that they are choosing to do it knowing that it might be rape. Deal breaker. I think people have this image of trafficked women being in sackcloth and ashes, unwashed and half starved. That's not necessarily the case. Many of these trafficked women and girls will be extremely well presented and nothing about their appearance or behaviour will indicate that they are in trouble.

As for those who think that anything that happened in someone's past should not affect a current relationship, what rubbish. So if you found out your partner used to be a murderer, that would be fine because "we all have a past"? Or they used to attend KKK rallies and lynch people? But if they just potentially raped vulnerable women because they were horny/lonely/under peer pressure then that's fine Confused

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 29/06/2019 16:13

It sounds like if his mates weren't there, he wouldn't have gone ahead. It's sounds like he is genuinely regrets it.

onesided · 29/06/2019 16:14

Dealbreaker.
He sounds weak and not the kind of man I would want to be with.

thedevondumpling · 29/06/2019 16:15

I've worked with prostitutes, won't say my role but anyway I knew them, chatted to them and I think an awful lot of people who are sure their partner would never do it would get a shock if they knew. I heard what some household names liked, how busy they were round the local maternity hospital at the end of visiting time and even heard what some of my neighbours (devoted husbands and fathers to a man) were up to.

He's been honest, give him credit for that.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 29/06/2019 16:17

Yeah a deal breaker. Defo.

MissConductUS · 29/06/2019 16:20

Given that he was honest with you about it and that he wouldn't have done it without his mates egging him on, for me, no, it would not be a deal breaker for me.

Let she who is without sin cast the first stone.

Loveislandaddict · 29/06/2019 16:24

A one-off incidence when he was young, years ago, not a dal breaker. Regularly using aprostitute , a deal breaker. Everyone does something stupid once in their life when they are young.

coral13 · 29/06/2019 16:29

One of the nicest men I know (my husbands best friend) slept with a prostitute when he first went away with the navy.

He was very young and honestly wouldn't let this affect my thoughts of him if there are no other issues.

PositiveVibez · 29/06/2019 16:29

(think very expensive international escort type situation, not backstreet brothels)

Oh well then, he is far superior to the vile rats that visit back street brothels. What a diamond you have there 🤔.

Backstreet brothel or high class hooker - he's a man, who in exchange for money, used a woman as a fuck hole. Just because he paid ££££ instead of £, the act was still the bloody same.

xELENx · 29/06/2019 16:29

I'm with @Loveislandaddict and @NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace everyone has a past, he was young and daft and regrets it. More importantly, he was honest with you about it.

Wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me (not worth throwing away a happy relationship over) but if it is for you then that's absolutely fine. You need to go with your gut x

MamaLazarou · 29/06/2019 16:32

I would dump him: why settle for him when there are so many millions of men who haven't felt entitled to pay to use a woman's body (or even to 'let' a sex worker wank him off). If he bows so easily under peer pressure, he's not much of a man, IMO.

Doormat247 · 29/06/2019 16:36

That would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.

I always manage to bring it into conversation with a new partner somehow so I can gauge their reaction. It's something that would 100% put me off if they admitted they had.

Sagradafamiliar · 29/06/2019 16:37

Poor little lamb, bullied into a bought hand job. I'm sure that's exactly how it was Hmm
Dump.

4legsandawaggytail · 29/06/2019 16:42

YANBU. It seems most people here wouldn't care, sadly I would. What if it was the other way round and one of your girlfriends paid for a hand job from a stranger until you climaxed. And you were okay with it and enjoyed the experienced although you weren't up for it in the beginning. The fact was he was persuaded and he let such a personal grope happen for money. This says more about him than people seem to realise. Hmm It would be an elephant in the room every time you got personal, especially when you were to perform the same act.

TSSDNCOP · 29/06/2019 16:43

Exactly; no way he just stood there, hands in his pockets, gazing into the far distance and whistling whilst an Amsterdam prostitute wanked him.

SmileEachDay · 29/06/2019 16:57

Sometimes all you need/want is sex. I think it is great that there are prostitutes (as long if they are there out of free will of course) saves me being assaulted by this man that is desperate for a shag

Oh Jesus. Really? Did I just read this correctly?

Also, OP - “he let her give him a hand job”...I wonder why he’s presenting himself as having such a passive part in this whole transaction?

Bluetrews25 · 29/06/2019 17:02

You can tell a lot about people by the friends they keep. If his friends at the time thought it was ok to go with prostitutes then it speaks volumes about them and probable similar attitudes within the group. Does he still have the same friends?

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