Am I over reacting? Would this be a deal breaker for you?

[Ironhelpsusplay]

I think men that pay women for sex are disgusting and I've always said it would be a deal breaker for me if someone I was dating had ever done so in the past.

I would never flat out ask someone I was dating this just in case I got the answer I didn't want.

New dp and I have been dating 4 months, we were chatting this morning. He is very honest and open and he just casually mentioned about 5 years back on a lads holiday in Amsterdam they were egging him on to sleep with a prostitute, he didn't want to sleep with her but let her give him a handjob, his friends paid.

Instantly felt a bit sick and was a bit cold towards him, he said he was young and regrets. He went home in the end, was a bit awkward.

If he slept with a prostitute with his own money and without the peer pressure from his mates, if he made that decision to do it it would be a flat out I don't want to date you any more, but I guess this is a bit different isn't it? Is it?

Tell me if I'm over reacting! Need some opinions.

Would this be a deal breaker for you?

If he had bragged about it then that would be a deal breaker for me but in that circumstances it describe, not necessarily. It would depend on how I felt about him and how much I had the impression that he respected women now.

Fyette that blog is incredibly interesting, I had not come across it before...thanks for the link.

I really want to be able to get past this, I really do. I like him so much and I do believe he's a great guy.

I don't think I can though....

We haven't really spoken since, apart from a text from him saying sorry and it's in the past and he's not proud of it.

I'm gutted.

I'm not disempowering anybody. The discussion is about whether it's a deal breaker within a relationship for one partner to have previously paid for sex. For me it is. Let's assume that your 8% figure is correct across the board - that means that 8% of sex workers are being raped by the punters who pay them for sex. And those punters, even if they were bothered enough to attempt to check (which is extremely doubtful), have no way of knowing whether the woman in front of them is one of the 1 in 10 who is trafficked or coerced. Any man who would take that almost 10% risk (using the figures you supplied) of raping a woman just to have an orgasm is not a man that I would ever in a million years continue a relationship with. And actually, any man who viewed sex and women's bodies as commodities to be bought - even if he could somehow guarantee meaningful consent - obviously would not have values that were aligned with my own and as such I would not continue the relationship. It's a deal breaker for me in every way.

In terms of the research surrounding prostitution in Amsterdam, I don't think studies that involve interviews with sex workers are particularly reliable. For a start, only licensed sex workers were interviewed and even now, not all sex workers in Amsterdam are licensed. It's extremely unlikely that a sex worker who was mistreated/coerced/trafficked etc would feel confident to admit to this in an interview or even be allowed to take part in the interview. There is a brief acknowledgement of this at the start of the document, but no information on how this was overcome for the purposes of the research. It was just skimmed over really. You only have to look at how many trafficking cases are prosecuted in Holland every year to see that it's a massive issue. There are lots of suggestions that trafficking has boomed since 2000.

Two thoughts: firstly, I’d possibly consider his age at the time. You say it was only five years ago. A lot of drink and heavy peer pressure can psychologically minimise things, but especially if he was an immature 18 year old who had never really thought about the moral issues etc. But if he was older and arguably should have been able to make a decision using his own brain, then I wouldn’t be impressed.

Secondly, I’d consider how he thinks about it now. He dropped it into conversation casually so does this mean he’s not that bothered and the ‘my mates paid but I didn’t want to’ explanation is just a flimsy excuse? Or does he understand why you’d object to this sort of behaviour?

Personally, I’d think about him doing it so much if not be able to stop so it would be a deal breaker.

www.dutchnews.nl/news/2019/01/report-slams-amsterdams-council-backed-brothel-says-human-trafficking-ignored/

www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/world-europe-46919294

Just a couple of counter arguments regarding 'tax paying business women' loving the life of being a prostitute in Amsterdam. A lot of them ARE trafficked and pimped out, so are getting raped every day.

How old was he when it happened? Everyone does things when they're young and impressionable that they regret years later.

He got egged in/bullied into a situation by "Mates" who knew he was a virgin. It's probably just as well he's told you because "mates" like that would drop it into conversation given the chance.

See him again and see how you feel-he was young, inexperienced and probably pissed.

When I worked with prostitutes we had a gang of women from the local university decide to take up their case. There was a meeting with various groups, prostitutes, police, social workers, uni people etc. It ended up with the police having to calm the prostitutes down as they felt so insulted and patronised by the uni group. The group they seemed happiest with were the police officers. Don't know what that tells us but still makes me wonder.

Interesting. In what capacity did you work with prostitutes? And what were the group hoping to do for them?

Fyette

For every case you show me that perpetuates the “Happy Hooker” trope, I can show you one like this

I am not ok with any woman being treated like this. Not one. So until every man asks for evidence that every woman is a prostitute enthusiastically and of her own free will, I’m going to continue condemning the prostitution of women.

I watched that 'Mega Brothel' programme about the legalisation of prostitution in Germany. Now, maybe it was the way it was edited, but it made me feel sick. The way the women were treated, how unhappy and they all seemed, how they were just seen as a commodity.

There was one particular moment in the programme where they were interviewing the owner of the brothel and his daughter. They were both going on about how well the women are treated, how satisfied they were with their job blah blah blah and the interviewer asked them both of they would be happy for the daughter to work in the brothel. After a few moments of squirming, it became clear that the answer to that question was a flat 'HELL NO!'

I wonder why that is? I wonder why she wouldn't even consider it as a career, if its so great like?

In the words of my ex partner - who wasn't even on this amsterdam holiday but felt able to tell me - Bob shagged prostitute whilst Fred watched - it was Freds turn to go next. Fred didn't fancy it after Bob had already been there so just decided to dildo her instead - Fred got so turned on her whipped out his cock and shagged her anyway.

Yes I'll just settle for a wank please doesn't really ring true.

These are the dangers of asking about sexual history, I know in past relationships men have been shocked at how promiscuous I was in my late teens early 20's.

Haven't had a shag for years now - can't be bothered

It would be a deal breaker for me, sorry. He should have said no.

Where's my mojo, I found your post extremely interesting and quite moving. Thanks for sharing.

Cheesemongery sais: Haven't had a shag for years now - can't be bothered grin

Seconded!!!

It’s in the past, forget it.

A hell of a lot of men pay for sex, it's very very common
This.