Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Am I over reacting? Would this be a deal breaker for you?

192 replies

Ironhelpsusplay · 29/06/2019 14:10

I think men that pay women for sex are disgusting and I've always said it would be a deal breaker for me if someone I was dating had ever done so in the past.

I would never flat out ask someone I was dating this just in case I got the answer I didn't want.

New dp and I have been dating 4 months, we were chatting this morning. He is very honest and open and he just casually mentioned about 5 years back on a lads holiday in Amsterdam they were egging him on to sleep with a prostitute, he didn't want to sleep with her but let her give him a handjob, his friends paid.

Instantly felt a bit sick and was a bit cold towards him, he said he was young and regrets. He went home in the end, was a bit awkward.

If he slept with a prostitute with his own money and without the peer pressure from his mates, if he made that decision to do it it would be a flat out I don't want to date you any more, but I guess this is a bit different isn't it? Is it?

Tell me if I'm over reacting! Need some opinions.

Would this be a deal breaker for you?

OP posts:

Kokeshi123 · 29/06/2019 14:53

If it was a while back and was a one-off, I'd probably write it off. I could not date anyone who had done this repeatedly or had actively sought commercial sex.

Only you know what your line in the sand is, though.

BritWifeinUSA · 29/06/2019 15:00

A young man on a lads’ weekend in Amsterdam had to be “encouraged” by his friends to engage in something sexual with a woman who was offering it? Sure.... Was he a virgin at the time? That’s the only reason I can think of that his “friends” were pressuring him to have sex with a prostitute. If not, I don’t think there was much “persuading” involved.

Housemartins50 · 29/06/2019 15:01

Not a deal breaker for me. Same thing happened with my DH many years ago. He was young, egged on and regrets it. I’ve done stupid stuff too.

OunceOfFlounce · 29/06/2019 15:01

Deal breaker

carefulfox · 29/06/2019 15:02

NC for this (for obvious reasons).

My DH had a past job in which he came into contact with sex workers frequently and did in fact pay for sex on occasions (think very expensive international escort type situation, not backstreet brothels). I too, have paid for sex on occasions, in the context of a previous swinging relationship. We both know about each other's pasts and have done from the outset. It is no issue for us.

Not judging people who would have an issue with this, though, I see your point of view. I/we just happen to have a different viewpoint.

TidyDancer · 29/06/2019 15:03

No it wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me in the scenario you mention.

Yeahnahmum · 29/06/2019 15:04

Something he did years ago would be a deal breaker for you now? Why?
Yeah the peer pressure thing is weak! But gosh. It was a once off thing. And not even sex!

And paying for sex is 'disgusting' seriously?

Some men choose to pay for a prostitute, get laid and get out. Beats having to go to the bar, chat up a few /many girls, buy them a few drinks and hope that one goes home with them at the end of the night

Sometimes all you need/want is sex. I think it is great that there are prostitutes (as long if they are there out of free will of course) saves me being assaulted by this man that is desperate for a shag.

carefulfox · 29/06/2019 15:10

Yeahnahmum that is my viewpoint too. I am very much in favour of the proper regulation of the sex work industry, to prevent exploitation etc. A blanket attitude that all sex work is wrong (or that everyone who uses the services of sex workers is wrong) is what leads to the trafficking, exploitation and abuse of women (and in some cases men). You wil never eradicate sex work, like you will never eradicate drugs. The approach needs to be that of regulation and harm minimisation, not proscription, which can never work.

Not wishing to hijack the thread into politics and ethics, but just wishing to point out that not everyone has a kneejerk "it's disgusting" approach to sex work and sex workers.

PurpleFlower1983 · 29/06/2019 15:13

I think it would be a dealbreaker for me.

Tistheseason17 · 29/06/2019 15:16

It would have taken a lot for him to open up and tell you and if you believe him to be genuine and there are not any other red flags then it shouldn't be a deal breaker .

Rossboss · 29/06/2019 15:16

Does anyone think I’m being unreasonable here? My husband just told me he has two weeks off work in August yet he never considered discussing this with me and apparently booked them back in January. We have not booked a holiday or anything so he didn’t see the point of talking it through with me. To me, it makes me feel like I don’t matter. My holidays are always fixed and I cannot change them but he can book so many weeks off per year. I feel so cross and always though that these sorts of things couples discussed together. I guess I am feeling rather sensitive at the moment because it was also my birthday two or three weeks ago and he made no efferent except but me flowers. I booked my own meal and it was my daughter who made a bit of a fuss of me in the morning. Earlier in the year, my husband had an emotional fling with another lady which I have forgiven him for, wanting to sort out any issues in our marriage and move on. So I expected that he would be pulling all the stops out to make our marriage work and perhaps make me feel more special than I do at the moment. Thoughts anyone? Thankyou in advance

carefulfox · 29/06/2019 15:17

eh?

Fyette · 29/06/2019 15:18

I'm also pro regulated and legalised prostitution, but this reason makes me cringe. Having no access to prostitutes is no excuse to assault someone (indeed, if a man is capable of sexual assault, he should have no access to prostitutes).

As you said though, this is off-topic. OP considers it an issue of the deal-breaking variety, which is fine. But OP: it is also fine to think on it and decide that it might not be a dealbreaker because of the circumstances / because you love him / because you feel you are still morally aligned despite this incident.

Yeahnahmum · 29/06/2019 15:19

@carefulfox yup. Agreed. Regulation is key.
And sex workers or people who visit them are not disgusting.

dudsville · 29/06/2019 15:20

It is now a deal breaker. When I was young though I made the mistake of marrying a man who did this, not even used an excuse of supposed peer pressure. Even though this had been a one off (he did it again after I left him) I learned this was in line with his values and approach to me in the marriage, feeling that having married me he could control me.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/06/2019 15:21

It's up to you if it's an actual dealbreaker for you or something you like to think is.

If you want to talk yourself into staying with him because this is different then go ahead.

It's not different.

You either want a man who is repulsed at the idea of using a woman as a commodity or you don't.

If you think he's worth throwing that principle out of the window for after 4 months then go right ahead!

carefulfox · 29/06/2019 15:22

There are certainly sex workers on Mumsnet! Calling them or their clients disgusting is not right. I respect the OP's feeling that she, personaly, finds a past history like this unaccaptable, but just wanted her to know that not everyone shares the disgust of "the oldest profession".

OralBElectricToothbrush · 29/06/2019 15:23

I'd dump because I can't abide people who 'cave to pressure' and then excuse their actions away as such instead of owning what they did. Weak.

carefulfox · 29/06/2019 15:26

using a woman as a commodity does not apply to all sex work, in my opinion. It can, of course, we all understand that and know what happens to some women (and men). But there can also be "paying for a service that a woman is choosing to offer".

Sparadrap · 29/06/2019 15:28

Not a deal breaker for me. Most of us have done a certain amount of dickish things in our past. Either through lack of judgement, immaturity, lack of confidence or any of the other poor traits most of us have whilst growing up.

It’s what he is like now and whether he thinks it was a cool thing that he did or something he regrets.

I’m quite impressed he told you about it. I bet lots of men would keep quiet and file it away in their never-to-be-mentioned-again box.

LMou · 29/06/2019 15:29

If I was sure he regretted it and it wouldn’t happen again then it wouldn’t be a deal breaker.

Otherwise, deal breaker.

LemonSqueezy0 · 29/06/2019 15:29

It would be a deal breaker for me. Even if I did the mental gymnastics required to allow me to continue the relationship (he was coerced by his friends, it was years ago, he regrets it ) I'd still get the Ick thinking about him. He's not a man I could see myself with.

But it matters what YOU think and want to do.

Squigglesworth · 29/06/2019 15:30

Honestly, I think it's very gross, but then again, I wouldn't be interested in a man who had one night stands, went to see strippers, spent every night out drinking with friends, used recreational drugs, etc. That's just not for me. We each have our own set of criteria for what is and is not acceptable.

What matters if whether or not this is a deal-breaker for you.

Yeahnahmum · 29/06/2019 15:31

I'd dump because I can't abide people who 'cave to pressure'
Sure @OralBElectricToothbrush you never ever ever in your life would have succomb to peer pressure. Ever. Skipped your childhood and came out of the woomb a 50yo?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 29/06/2019 15:33

Oh for heaven's sake it's just not a big deal. Don't make it into one. Not great and nothing to be proud of but the fact that he's been honest and trusted you with this information, trusted you could be nuanced and mature about it, tells you more about his character than a silly indescretion years ago.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8