Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell my sister?

189 replies

Jemima232 · 28/06/2019 20:47

Youngest sister is having a milestone birthday in August. Her DH is taking her to Peru so that she can avoid having a big party, as she does not want one.

However, oldest sister has announced to everyone that she is going to host a surprise party for youngest sister "as she wants one really" and we're all sworn to secrecy.
AIBU to warn youngest sister about this so that she can avoid attending a bash she does not want?

After all, she is leaving the country on purpose to avoid having a party in the first place.

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 15/07/2019 14:54

I wouldn’t tell your YS personally**

diddl · 15/07/2019 14:55

You have to tell your YS.

She's wanting a family bbq & will get a party with games (shudder!)

There's no (to me) compromise there-just OS doing what she wants it seems to me.

Alondra · 15/07/2019 14:59

Her DH is taking her to Peru so that she can avoid having a big party, as she does not want one.

I haven't read the whole thread but why will you tell your sister about the surprise party when she doesn't want one and her H is taking her to Peru to avoid it?

Stay out of it.

FuriousVexation · 15/07/2019 15:01

@Jellybeansincognito
You can still be there for your YS afterwards.

After she's been traumatised and had a horrible experience of having a milestone birthday ruined? That she has repeatedly, speficically insisted that she doesn't want?

Are you familiar with the cup of tea rape analogy?

SingingLily · 15/07/2019 15:03

Alondra, further up the thread, Jemima said "The party has been planned for the weekend after YS and her DH return from Peru". That's why it's still an issue.

Jellybeansincognito · 15/07/2019 15:03

@FuriousVexation as a rape victim your comparison there has really angered me.

diddl · 15/07/2019 15:05

Is your OS usually like this?

Is it a surprise that she has said she would do a BBQ but is intending to do as she had always planned?

Perhaps you should tell your YS or her husband that you are concerned that OS will not stick to what was planned so that she/they can be prepared?

Jellybeansincognito · 15/07/2019 15:08

@FuriousVexation you’re also forgetting it’s the OS who is to blame here, not OP.

What lesson is this going to teach OS is OP interferes again?

Nothing, because she’ll just blame op for ruining the party and won’t consider the reasoning why.

Please don’t compare going to a party to being raped.

Going to a party you do not want us not nice, at all. But comparing that to rape? Jeez.

3luckystars · 15/07/2019 15:08

Just go. Your younger sister knows what she is like. At least she is expecting something now.

Go and enjoy it.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 15/07/2019 15:10

Your younger sister has been entirely clear on her wishes and OS is ignoring it to inflict her own wishes on her. My loyalty would be with YS, it's her birthday anyway. I'd have no problem telling OS that she's being unreasonable and I'd tell YS's DP so he can be the one who has to decide what to do.

Alondra · 15/07/2019 15:10

Thank you for the update SingingLily.

It's difficult what to do one way or another. I think I will tell the hubby and put the responsibility on his shoulders. Grin

Original poster
Jemima232 · 15/07/2019 15:11

Is your OS usually like this

@diddl

Yes would be the easiest answer to this. OS loves big parties and has been known to attend seven during one week.

Her friends also like big parties. They're always having them. YS does know this and that's why she was very clear about telling us that she and her DH were going to Peru. She was trying to avoid this situation, but now that she (thinks) they've come to a compromise she's okay with the family gathering idea.

Except it won't be, of course.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 15/07/2019 15:12

Just forward the email and be done with it all.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/07/2019 15:25

Agreed. Forward the email to YS with a FYI note.

I'd be livid - it's the sort of thing my own sister would have done. My father and I loathe big flash parties, huge number balloons and all that shit. Also TGI Friday restaurants.
My sister LOVES them and my Mum seemed to like them too.

So my sister would force them upon us all for family birthdays etc. - but I refused to have anything to do with one for my own birthday and the only joint one that I remember for my parents' "big birthdays", my Dad sat throughout with a stony face and a desperate longing to get out of there.

I had a very detailed chat with my sister about her selfish imposition of what SHE liked on others - just because SHE liked certain stuff, didn't mean that others did and it was selfish of her to insist that they had to have it and like it just because she did.
She didn't do it again after that, which was an enormous relief!

SoupDragon · 15/07/2019 15:26

I think that latest email is what "reply to all" is meant for.

Breathlessness · 15/07/2019 15:26

Yes, forward the email and step back from it.

JorahsMistress · 15/07/2019 15:26

The fact is that whatever you do your going to have a sister annoyed at you, either OS will be annoyed for you telling YS or YS will be annoyed that you didn't warn her!

In your shoes i would definitely tell YS, forwarding the email as proof so OS doesn't try and wriggle out of it by saying you got hold of the wrong end of the stick

OS is being thoughtless and selfish by trying to force this on YS, it's probably for her benefit so people give her credit/compliments by saying what a wonderful OS she is for doing all this for her YS & isnt she so kind??

Hope YS manages to avoid the party and has a lovely time in peru 🙂

TheCatThatDanced · 15/07/2019 15:29

Tell her OP.

I HATE surprise parties. The one time someone organised one for me I did enjoy it to a certain extent but I made sure to say next time that I just didn't like the surprise element.

Iamblossom · 15/07/2019 15:30

it is the sort of thing my OS would do and I would deffo tell my YS. And I would expect my YS to tell me if our OS was planning one for me.

pollypenguin01 · 15/07/2019 15:33

Forward the email to YS DH, then there’s absolutely no need for you to get anymore involved in it all, it’s down to YS DH and OS to sort out.

Chochito · 15/07/2019 15:34

I would speak to your older sister once again to recommend that she reconsider as your younger sister does not appear to want any kind of party or surprise.

If your older sister doesn't want to listen, then, yes, warn your younger sister.

MerdedeBrexit · 15/07/2019 15:41

I think your YS needs to be told, OP. Probably best to forward the email to her husband, as others have suggested, so you'll be at least one remove from the fall-out from OS!

diddl · 15/07/2019 16:15

"Except it won't be, of course."

I think that's why she needs to be told.

It's supposed to be about what she would like.

Surprise party sounds a nightmare to me-especially if I was expected to be the life & soul/centre of attention.

Figgygal · 15/07/2019 16:18

You have to tell your younger sister if your older sister refuses to respect her wishes I'm not set up a party then you need to warn her what's going on

Original poster
Jemima232 · 15/07/2019 17:11

Many thanks to everyone who offered advice and insights.

I am going to phone YS's husband this evening.

JorahsMistress is right - one or the other is going to be upset, but it had better be OS as she is riding roughshod over YS's feelings.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread