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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell my sister?

189 replies

Jemima232 · 28/06/2019 20:47

Youngest sister is having a milestone birthday in August. Her DH is taking her to Peru so that she can avoid having a big party, as she does not want one.

However, oldest sister has announced to everyone that she is going to host a surprise party for youngest sister "as she wants one really" and we're all sworn to secrecy.
AIBU to warn youngest sister about this so that she can avoid attending a bash she does not want?

After all, she is leaving the country on purpose to avoid having a party in the first place.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 29/06/2019 14:33

Have you told him yet?

MorningRichie · 29/06/2019 15:12

It might be worth cunningartificer using some of the self-styled cunning and actually learning to read before pontificating.

LillithsFamiliar · 29/06/2019 15:17

How funny that you hate family dramas and yet have inserted yourself into the middle of this and turned it into a drama Grin You shouldn't have interfered. YS and OS have a relationship independent of you. You're trying to act as gatekeeper to YS/her birthday and her wishes. That isn't your role.

SingingLily · 29/06/2019 15:37

How funny that you hate family dramas and yet have inserted yourself into the middle of this and turned it into a drama.

I must be reading a completely different thread! YS has made it crystal clear she doesn't want a party and is going to Peru to avoid just such a thing. OS knows this but has decided to override YS's clearly stated wishes by organising a surprise party. OS has then told Jemima what she is planning to do.

There was no drama until OS came along and decided to turn it into one. Jemima did not "insert herself into the middle" - OS inserted OP into the middle by telling her the big plan. This whole thing is of OS's making and OP is simply trying to avoid a potential walk-out (and ensuing fallout) that anyone could spot a mile off.

LillithsFamiliar · 29/06/2019 15:58

Jemima has made it clear she doesn't want to attend the party because of costs and time. She also thinks (understandably) that YS doesn't want a party. But with the same information, OS thinks YS will enjoy the party.
We have no way of knowing which DSIS has the better judgement. Jemima is convinced that it's her but as someone with lots of sisters, I wouldn't be so sure.

SingingLily · 29/06/2019 16:02

Her DH is taking her to Peru so that she can avoid having a big party, as she does not want one.

Seems pretty clear to me.

SoupDragon · 29/06/2019 16:03

But with the same information, OS thinks YS will enjoy the party.

Or doesn't give a shit and just wants to throw a party.

SoupDragon · 29/06/2019 16:05

Look at these quot s:

Her DH is taking her to Peru so that she can avoid having a big party, as she does not want one.

younger sister announced her plans to go away so that she didn't have to endure a big party.

YS has stated clearly that she hates surprise parties, and OS knows this.

How much clearer could she be? There is no ambiguity at all.

SingingLily · 29/06/2019 16:08

Sounds to me that YS could have written absolutely no party! in ten foot high letters of fire and OS would still ignore the message.

candycane222 · 29/06/2019 16:14

My dSis good friends threw her a surprise for a milestone birthday. I thought she'd be pleased, they thought she'd be pleased. WE were wrong!

She was polite about it and didn't walk out immediately as they are very dear friends - but she found it tiring and stressful (especially as she'd been looking forward to a quiet drink with her mates, something she does like). She has made it VERY clear no-one was to do that to her again. Ever. So we won't.

whatkatydidalready · 29/06/2019 16:33

You YS and her DH really need to be already occupied the evening of the surprise party - tickets to a show maybe, ideally at the opposite end of the country.

Either that or they both get a galloping case of dodgy guts that evening and can't go out at all...

The DH needs to know.

Tuktuktaker · 29/06/2019 16:44

I think Tavannach's idea is a stroke of genius and should make everyone happy!
"Couldn't OS have a party to celebrate YS's trip to Peru instead? Peruvian food and drink. She could invent a cocktail, call it Machu Pichi or Mucho PissedO. They could all Skype YS after a few. Think how happy YS would be not to be there." (But they'd need to be careful of Time Zones!)

RuggerHug · 29/06/2019 16:52

Warn YS and her DH. I had a 'surprise' party nearly put on when I specifically said no. Luckily I found out the day before and was able to make an excuse and not go but I was really upset with the host for ignoring me.

If OS insists on going ahead tell her 'YS is specifically going to the home of Paddington to avoid this bollocks, what part of that is confusing for you? She DOES NOT WANT IT'

RebootYourEngine · 29/06/2019 16:58

Please tell YS. It's not fair on her to have this sprung on her when she has said that she doesn't want it.

RebootYourEngine · 29/06/2019 16:58

When is the party? Is it before or after your YS gets back from Peru?

Dandelion1993 · 29/06/2019 17:01

I'd tell your younger sister so she can make her own mind up. She can either decide to go or tell other sister herself to cancel.

xELENx · 29/06/2019 17:13

Sounds like OS is throwing a party for herself and using YS birthday as an excuse.

I'd tell YS. I'd HATE if anyone threw a party for me having expressly told them I didn't want one!

sneakypinky · 29/06/2019 19:51

I left the country for my 30th because certain people were determined to throw me a party against my wishes. I told them that if they did that I would turn around and walk straight out.

Why would you do something that you know the recipient would hate? If you're going to try and do that to me then you can fuck off. It seems ridiculously selfish to me to do something as a "gift" knowing that the person doesn't want it.

Original poster
Jemima232 · 29/06/2019 22:43

@RebootYourEngine

The party has been planned for the weekend after YS and her DH return from Peru.

@LillithsFamiliar

I'm not trying to turn anything into a drama. I'm trying to avoid one.

OP posts:
Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 29/06/2019 23:06

Ah, when she's nice & jetlagged, that'll go well.

DappledThings · 29/06/2019 23:12

Tell YS. If anyone planned a surprise party for me I would be humiliated and furious. I'd also be angry with anyone who knew about it and didn't warn me.

MediocreOmens · 30/06/2019 08:22

If I were YS I would really want you to tell me. I hate surprise parties and yet my family who are all much more extrovert than me do not get it. It's not a nice or kind thing to do for someone when they actively dislike something however good the intention. Please at least tell her DH OP.

Wonkybanana · 30/06/2019 13:19

OP how's YS going to feel if she finds out that you've known all along and didn't tell her. (I won't add and didn't try to stop it because you have.)

Original poster
Jemima232 · 15/07/2019 13:43

Update

I had a word with OS and told her I didn't think YS was going to enjoy this big bash.

I also said I wasn't going to attend and that if OS persisted in the plans I would tell YS.

OS back-tracked and told YS she wanted her to have a party.

YS said she didn't mind a quiet Sunday afternoon close-family-only (with DC) relaxed BBQ.

So that is what they agreed. Or so I thought.

Got an email from OS today (copied to a million people) announcing the party would be a "monumental party + cake + booze + games and so on...... and swearing us to secrecy.

I give up. I'm not going to go. It doesn't sound like it's going to be the party YS agreed to. Am I wrong?

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 15/07/2019 13:55

Forward the email to ys before this turns into a disaster