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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell my sister?

189 replies

Jemima232 · 28/06/2019 20:47

Youngest sister is having a milestone birthday in August. Her DH is taking her to Peru so that she can avoid having a big party, as she does not want one.

However, oldest sister has announced to everyone that she is going to host a surprise party for youngest sister "as she wants one really" and we're all sworn to secrecy.
AIBU to warn youngest sister about this so that she can avoid attending a bash she does not want?

After all, she is leaving the country on purpose to avoid having a party in the first place.

OP posts:
INeedAFlerken · 28/06/2019 21:19

I think you need to be very clear with your older sister. Tell her you know for a fact that younger sister will not enjoy a party, will be angry and upset that her wishes were ignored, and that you will not be supporting your older sister in this unwanted endeavour. You will not attend. You will not contribute. And you may well warn your younger sister if older sister doesn't pull her head in and stop acting like everyone should be like her.

edwinbear · 28/06/2019 21:20

Tell OS if she insists on continuing with it you will tell YS deliberately.

LadyRannaldini · 28/06/2019 21:20

This party is for the older sister, not your younger sister.

Tistheseason17 · 28/06/2019 21:21

Sounds like your OS is a bit me,me,me

Original poster
Jemima232 · 28/06/2019 21:22

I think I'll talk to YS's DH and warn him, and get his views on the subject.

OP posts:
nel123baby · 28/06/2019 21:23

I'm one of those people that would absolutely hate if someone did me a party when I didn't want one. It's just not something I enjoy and my older sister loves organising surprise things for everyone.. she keeps saying she wants to organise my whole baby shower and I've stressed multiple times that I 100% don't want one and I would be really annoyed if one was organised behind my back.. If I were you I'd tell her because if it was me I would want to be told..

IGottaSeeJane · 28/06/2019 21:23

No - keep out of it. She will probably enjoy it. All my special birthdays have been low key but would have loved a suprise .

Pay no attention to this nonsense OP. Tell the birthday sister what's being planned.

CreekyBeaky · 28/06/2019 21:26

Yes, definitely warn her. I had a similar situation recently. A good friend expressly said they didn’t want a baby shower and another friend tried to organise a surprise one. I agonised over it but told her and she was very grateful and handled it by just dropping into conversation a few times with the other friend how much she was looking forward to no fuss, couldn’t think of anything worse than a surprise etc and the other friend quietly cancelled it. No drama and everyone was happy.

ShakespearesFister · 28/06/2019 21:27

Yes, definitely tell your younger sister, quietly. Given her clearly stated wishes, she has a right not to be tricked into something she wants to avoid.

If she really wants to go ahead with it then she can just pretend to be surprised.

If she doesn't then she can avoid it. In her situation, I'd be tempted to pretend to know nothing about the party, and then on the actual date pull a sickie at the last moment and leave the older sister with a pointless party.

Geraniumpink · 28/06/2019 21:30

Please tell younger sister. Surpise parties are not for everyone.

OttSett · 28/06/2019 21:31

GreenDragon75

I would absolutely hate this. For years I went away for my birthday (just a few days in Paris by myself) to avoid that kind of fuckwittery.

OP please tell your sister so she can avoid this.

Original poster
Jemima232 · 28/06/2019 21:35

I've just been talking about this with my DH (as opposed to YS's DH) and he reckons the best thing to do is for me not to attend and to tip YS the wink in advance so that she can also avoid the whole thing.

It'll save me a fortune in fares/accommodation as well.

OP posts:
summerishereatlast · 28/06/2019 21:38

Telling YS dh is a very good idea, and then he can tell her. This relieving the possibility that OS will not be best pleased with you for telling YS. This way it’s someone else’s decision (and responsibility)
Your OS needs to stop thinking of herself. I’d love a surprise party but I understand they are definitely not for everyone!!

NeckPainChairSearch · 28/06/2019 21:40

OP: Her DH is taking her to Peru so that she can avoid having a big party, as she does not want one

No - keep out of it. She will probably enjoy it

Classic MN Grin.

Yabbers · 28/06/2019 21:46

She will probably enjoy it.

She’s going to fucking Peru to avoid it. What part of the OP’s post makes you think her sister will enjoy it?

Original poster
Jemima232 · 28/06/2019 21:48

and leave the older sister with a pointless party.

Yeah, right.

OS never has pointless parties.
She's bound to invite loads of her friends as well as all our relations so there is no question of its being a pointless party.

OP posts:
Yabbers · 28/06/2019 21:49

I’d warn YS, and also tell OS you are going to do it.

BackforGood · 28/06/2019 21:54

I think you need to be very clear with your older sister. Tell her you know for a fact that younger sister will not enjoy a party, will be angry and upset that her wishes were ignored, and that you will not be supporting your older sister in this unwanted endeavour. You will not attend. You will not contribute. And you may well warn your younger sister if older sister doesn't pull her head in and stop acting like everyone should be like her.

This ^ is spot on.

ddl1 · 28/06/2019 21:56

If YS is old enough to be having a 'milestone birthday', surely big-sister is old enough to realize that not everyone enjoys or wishes to do the same things. Would she force an Orthodox Jew or a practicing Muslim to celebrate Christmas, or a Christian or atheist to fast for Ramadan or Yom Kippur? I might talk to your big sister; say that YS is travelling to avoid a party; that, however, well-meant, a surprise party would upset and not please her. If she wishes to be seen as bestowing something special on YS, perhaps she could contribute to the travel costs. If she insists, I would say that you will not co-operate with inflicting a surprise party on YS, and that you will also discourage friends from co-operating. If she still insists, then tell YS. Yes, big-sister will probably be angry, but she shouldn't be able to get away with riding roughshod on YS's wishes. Bullying combined with generosity is still bullying.

Plipplopbop · 28/06/2019 21:56

Yeah, I'd walk out if I had a surprise party. I think telling her DH is best as my DH would definitely know I would absolutely hate it. He can support her in what she wants to do and you can step back knowing you've been a good sister

GrouchyKiwi · 28/06/2019 21:57

I agree with Yabbers.

Pipandmum · 28/06/2019 21:58

Tell your older sister that you do not agree with the whole idea and will not attend.

eddielizzard · 28/06/2019 22:01

Awful. tell your YS and I wouldn't go. Quite disrespectful of your YS's wishes.

BobTheFishermansWife · 28/06/2019 22:02

Is YS oh aware of OS plan?

Justathinslice · 28/06/2019 22:03

Sit your older sister down, and be very very clear.
If she doesn't believe you, get your younger sisters husband to sit her down and be very very clear.

Then he should say that he will NOT be complicit in something designed to make his wife uncomfortable- as in, if older sis doesn't stop, then he will tell his wife.