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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell my sister?

189 replies

Jemima232 · 28/06/2019 20:47

Youngest sister is having a milestone birthday in August. Her DH is taking her to Peru so that she can avoid having a big party, as she does not want one.

However, oldest sister has announced to everyone that she is going to host a surprise party for youngest sister "as she wants one really" and we're all sworn to secrecy.
AIBU to warn youngest sister about this so that she can avoid attending a bash she does not want?

After all, she is leaving the country on purpose to avoid having a party in the first place.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 28/06/2019 22:06

I think I'd be very clear with IS about how ill-mannered she is being, going against YS' wishes. Very strange of her to be so lacking in empathy that she doesn't understand how unlike her YS is in relation to really not wanting a surprise party. Leaving the country to avoid a party hasn't made her click?!

Original poster
Jemima232 · 28/06/2019 22:08

YS's DH has not been let in on the secret.

I am sure he'd be very annoyed about it.

OP posts:
SolsticeBabyMaybe · 28/06/2019 22:15

I would take it up with older sister and say you think it's a terrible idea and you really don't think it should be done.

If big sis is worried that the birthday won't be marked, how about a nice dinner with just immediate family? With everyone in the know?

If all else fails, I'd speak to sister's DH.

SpeckledyHen · 28/06/2019 22:25

The arrogance of extroverts never ceases to amaze me . They never understand anyone else’s viewpoint only seeing the world from their own. On the other hand the rest of do understand that they like to be the center of attention which is fine for them but not us .
You really must tell your younger sister . Please don’t be complicit in ruining her birthday.

Original poster
Jemima232 · 28/06/2019 22:26

I think I'll tell OS to get on her Bike

OP posts:
Original poster
Jemima232 · 28/06/2019 22:27

(Because it's y favourite emoji)

Is a Bike even an emoji?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 28/06/2019 22:43

Tell YS or her Dh quick. He can plan a 'surprise' weekend away for YS for the weekend the party is taking place. That way, when OS tries to get YS and her Dh to the venue, they'll be miles away (or just hiding out in their attic pretending they're away).

Ponoka7 · 28/06/2019 23:08

If relatives are travelling a far way etc, then you've got to tell YS DH.

I would hate a party, held for me. People who are into that seem to find it impossible to understand and accept.

But it will put a damper on her Birthday and holiday.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 28/06/2019 23:09

If your older sister wants a party, tell her to just have a party.

My DH never surprises me as he knows I can't cope with them. Defo tell your younger sister's DH. Then it's not come from you...

JaimeBronde · 28/06/2019 23:12

Tell OS that she needs to stop.
Tell YS's DH about it so he can have a word with OS.

Original poster
Jemima232 · 28/06/2019 23:13

OS is going to invite YS and her DH for dinner then spring the surprise on them when they arrive at her house.

They live sixty miles away so it'll be difficult, but not impossible, for them to back away in misery.

Having read all these replies I have decided to tell YS's DH and also - not go myself.

I hate these unnecessary family dramas.

OP posts:
Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 28/06/2019 23:41

It is unnecessary. It's also unkind if OS knows YS would go to Peru to avoid such things.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/06/2019 23:49

"Older sis loves parties and cannot understand why anyone wouldn't want one."
She can understand - she chooses not to. I'm glad you're telling your younger sister's husband about your older sister's selfish and self-absorbed plan. It's incredibly insensitive of your older sister.

Tillygetsit · 29/06/2019 00:03

I hate surprise parties too. Only had one, my 19th. I was so shocked I left the house running! My lot know not to do that again. I'd want to be told so I could organise to be somewhere else that night.

Tavannach · 29/06/2019 03:48

Couldn't OS have a party to celebrate YS's trip to Peru instead? Peruvian food and drink. She could invent a cocktail, call it Machu Pichi or Mucho PissedO. They could all Skype YS after a few. Think how happy YS would be not to be there.

floraloctopus · 29/06/2019 08:41

I'd get in touch with YS and invite her to stay with you for a couple of days so you can go out and have a private birthday celebration with just you and her - a sisterly meal out. Unfortunately the only dates you can make it are the same as the surprise party.

ddl1 · 29/06/2019 09:53

'No - keep out of it. She will probably enjoy it. All my special birthdays have been low key but would have loved a suprise .'

But I don't suppose you planned a 6,000 mile journey at the time of your birthday to avoid a party. That's the difference.

Original poster
Jemima232 · 29/06/2019 09:55

@floraloctopus

That would be such a good idea.

OP posts:
HiJenny35 · 29/06/2019 10:01

The fact that you would have to drive a long way and pay for overnight accommodation seems to play highly in this, how much of it is that you don't want to go to the party. There's no need for you to tell YS, speak to her OH and let him decide.

sneakypinky · 29/06/2019 10:05

I would tell her.

Ironmanrocks · 29/06/2019 10:20

No - what you need to do is speak to her DH to avoid breaking the confidence. He can then arrange to visit Great Aunt Bertha (or a friend/Art gallery/museum/theatre show/concert) at the other end of the country on the date she has picked. Your YS can then announce that she is very excited about the impending visit/trip. She just won't be there. Well she didn't know did she.....!!

cunningartificer · 29/06/2019 11:03

Just remember your older sister is also your younger sister ‘s sister, if you see what I mean. If you hate the idea of the party this may colour your view. I can absolutely see someone preferring a holiday to organising a party—I would!—but that doesn’t mean that they’ll hate someone throwing them a party, which is a different thing. Don’t destroy your OS’s plan in some of the petty ways suggested—have a word with her DH instead and let him talk to your OS. It’ll probably come better from him and take some of the heat out of the situation.

Original poster
Jemima232 · 29/06/2019 11:19

@cunningartificer

But YS has stated clearly that she hates surprise parties, and OS knows this.

My own views don't come into it. If someone threw a surprise party for me I wouldn't mind a bit.

OP posts:
ElektraUnchained · 29/06/2019 14:08

Will you call YS DH?

fedup21 · 29/06/2019 14:11

Tell older sister it’s a really bad idea and you want nothing to do with it.