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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell my sister?

189 replies

Jemima232 · 28/06/2019 20:47

Youngest sister is having a milestone birthday in August. Her DH is taking her to Peru so that she can avoid having a big party, as she does not want one.

However, oldest sister has announced to everyone that she is going to host a surprise party for youngest sister "as she wants one really" and we're all sworn to secrecy.
AIBU to warn youngest sister about this so that she can avoid attending a bash she does not want?

After all, she is leaving the country on purpose to avoid having a party in the first place.

OP posts:
toldmywrath · 15/07/2019 14:01

I'd be accidentally forwarding that email to your younger sister.
OS must have the hide of a rhino.

Original poster
Jemima232 · 15/07/2019 14:03

Since I'm not going do I still need to accidentally forward the email?

OP posts:
FriarTuck · 15/07/2019 14:05

Don't do it accidentally, make it obvious! Send it to YS with a 'she's still not listening - she wants a party so she's going to force you to have one' comment and cc OS.

Magenta82 · 15/07/2019 14:06

I would forward the email with a "oh you didn't tell me you changed your mind about the party, do you need any help with anything?".

That way it is an offer of help rather than a tip off.

PonderingPanda · 15/07/2019 14:13

My parents through my intovert sister a 21st surprise party. She absolutely hated it and cried all the way through.

My parents then had a huge go at her for being ungrateful. Angry

Nesssie · 15/07/2019 14:14

Forward the email to YS, say you know she doesn't want a fuss and wanted a quiet BBQ, is this new plan ok with her?

SingingLily · 15/07/2019 14:21

Not wrong, Jemima. And I think at this stage, you definitely have the right to tell YS now because OS is not taking a blind bit of notice of either YS or you. This is all about her, isn't it, and knickers to everyone else.

A couple of years ago, I had a milestone birthday. My mother and middle sister pestered me to agree to have a celebration, which I made clear I really didn't want, and in the end I decided to keep the peace by agreeing to family only meeting for brunch in town with "no cake, no balloons and absolutely no fuss". I really couldn't have made it any clearer. What happened? You guessed it. They changed the time, the venue, the menu, the guest list, added a cake plus those horrible silver balloons and bunting, the lot.

I. Hated. Every. Single. Minute. In fact, I counted every minute until I felt I could reasonably make a dash for the exit. They utterly ruined my birthday by completely dismissing my clear wishes on the matter. It still makes my blood boil and they won't get a second chance to ride roughshod over me like that.

Tell your OS she's still not listening and you are going to speak to your YS. Then tell your YS. She will be glad you did. Good luck.

Original poster
Jemima232 · 15/07/2019 14:21

Okaaaay - so I emailed OS and said a razzamatazz of a party (her words) didn't seem to be what had been agreed.

She assured me it would be "decorous."

Does this mean a string quartet instead of a brass band and fireworks?

Duh.

OP posts:
cryer · 15/07/2019 14:30

Forward it to YS dh. Then it's up to him if he thinks it's too much.

OnTheEdgeOfTheNight · 15/07/2019 14:32

If be tempted to stay out of it now, and leave the two sisters to it. You've warned YS that OS wants to arrange a party. If YS naively believes that OS is listening to her, that's between them. YS must know what OS is like, as you do. If you stay involved, e.g. forwarding the recent email, then OS may end up blaming you for ruining her plans.

Jellybeansincognito · 15/07/2019 14:33

I think you’re getting too involved and creating a drama. If your OS wants to make a fool of herself, who are you to step in her way?
You don’t want to go, so don’t?
Your younger sister is capable of making her feelings clear, if your older sister wants to waste her money then let her.

IncrediblySadToo · 15/07/2019 14:33

Your OS is obnoxious

Fwd the email
To you YS saying something like...thus doesn’t sound like what you agreed to ? ??

I’d be tempted to send OS to Peru...on a one way ticket!

SingingLily · 15/07/2019 14:40

I think you’re getting too involved and creating a drama.

I must be reading a different thread again. OS is creating the drama by completely overriding YS's clearly stated wishes. OS is involving Jemima by sending her emails about the razzmatazz of a party (the one she knows YS absolutely doesn't want) and swearing her to secrecy.

Which bit of that does anyone not understand?

mussolini9 · 15/07/2019 14:40

So that is what they agreed. Or so I thought.

Jeez your OS is a prize ain't she?!
Is she this overbearing, selfish & thick-skinned in other areas of life, @Jemima232?

Hope you are able to nip it in the bud by 'accidentally' cc:ing YS to OS's insensitive emails about riding rough-shod over YS's clearly expressed wishes ...

mandi73 · 15/07/2019 14:41

Forward the email to YS and warn her, doesn't sound like a quiet family BBQ.

aufaitaccompli · 15/07/2019 14:42

I had a surprise party once ....after explicitly stating I didn't want one (I thought I might have liked one, then changed my mind loudly ... obviously not loud enough).

I found it stressful. My mother and husband had a HUGE go at me for being ungrateful....I felt ignored and then chided for seeing things differently to them.

Be mindful of your younger sister OP

Jellybeansincognito · 15/07/2019 14:42

@SingingLily all of it. Op should stay out of it, it’s not her battle to fight. It’s between the others.

mussolini9 · 15/07/2019 14:43

Also ...

Got an email from OS today (copied to a million people) announcing the party would be a "monumental party + cake + booze + games and so on...... and swearing us to secrecy.

You don't tell someone a secret & THEN ask for their silence.
You ask for the silence (ie their permission to conspire) BEFORE telling the secret.
You are not bound by your OS's intransigent demands. She is a gigantic twat.

mussolini9 · 15/07/2019 14:45

@FriarTuck - this is genius, & the best fix to a bad business I reckon -

Don't do it accidentally, make it obvious! Send it to YS with a 'she's still not listening - she wants a party so she's going to force you to have one' comment and cc OS.

Jellybeansincognito · 15/07/2019 14:47

She is a giant twat for ignoring wishes yeah but unless OP leaves the situation to ignite itself, the OS will blame OP and not herself.

SingingLily · 15/07/2019 14:49

Jemima does not have the luxury of staying out of it, Jellybeans, because OS keeps involving her anyway by sending her secret squirrel emails.

Please don't feel you need to @ me, by the way. I'm already on the thread.

Travis1 · 15/07/2019 14:50

I'd tell your younger sister. That's just a recipe for disaster.

cakecakecheese · 15/07/2019 14:52

I would forward the email to your sister's husband so he can be very clear that if the party is more than what his wife agreed to they will not be attending.

Bob5 · 15/07/2019 14:54

"YS hypothetically, if someone was organising a razamatazz of a party for you instead of say, a family BBQ, would you want to know or would you prefer it be a "surprise"?"

Jellybeansincognito · 15/07/2019 14:54

You could take the advice of someone reasonable OP, or you could take the advice of this person here who is being rude for literally no reason.

If you get involved again your OS is going to be pissed off with you (wrongly). I would tell your YS personally, you’ve tried to warn her.
You could message your OS and repeat what you’ve said before and explain that if she continues her selfish act she will end up upsetting your YS.

I don’t think you should tell your YS your OS plans though, you’ll end up looking like a stirrer and the bad guy, your OS will blame you and not herself and learn nothing from it.
You can still be there for your YS afterwards.