To feel threatened by SS

[sashypants]

Back in February I had a massive meeting with my HV and my sons nursery, it was about his on going behaviour towards his siblings.

I said some days I wished I wasn't here and because of that, they got SS involved. I welcomed the help thinking that they'd either 1) take ds off me (would make me happy for about a day!) Or 2) get him seen by a physiologist .

FF to now and I'm just pissed off. The guy comes (the 3rd social worker we've had btw!!) Sees things are tough then says "awk well hopefully we can get you some help" this has been his words for the last 3 meetings.

So I refused any more meetings, and told him why. His response "I do understand but if we work together we can get you some help" 😤 but now I've got a letter that states if I do not comply with the meetings they will set up a childrens hearing basically, so pretty much I have to let them through my door or they will get some court order in place to be let through my door.

I feel this is grossly unfair, it's pretty much their way and nothing I can do about it 😓 am I really BU to request no more meetings

Why don’t you stop crying and listen to others, you may then get some insight into why ss are worried.

All I hear is deflection and minimising, and anger when you are challenged.

You started anti-ads end of May, they will have only kicked in about a week ago, things have gone from wanting to give your child up and all but calling him a sociopath to having a wonderful relationship with him in three weeks. No doubt ss want to stick around to see if the new arrangement is sustained - if you are determined to keep it all up what are you worried about? As obviously you will be showing them what they want to see?

I think you need to get off of Mumsnet and maybe read this post again when you are not feeling as emotional and defensive.

People honestly want to help you and there's loads of good advice on here. At the moment, it's not been taken with the intention it is being given.

I understand you all have had a lot going on recently and it's great to hear of the positive changes. Keep playing the game and SS will do what they can then close the case. Until they are happy, you need to just go along with it.

I really do wish you the best of luck. It's difficult being a parent at the best of times, let alone when you are battling your own mental health and a wilful child.

Do you not see that since you've made these 'changes' that you seem to think are massive leaps forward but that most others would deem normal parenting and your ds's behaviour has improved considerably in this time that it probably wasn't him at fault, it wasn't a scenario that needed psychology intervention to begin with? So SS see that, they see you now doing normal parenting and you saying everything's great but if you revert so will ds's behaviour and so will your situation. If they know you also have had a termination and pregnancy scares whilst all this is going on and you don't (or didn't a couple of months ago) have the appropriate facilities to care for the children you already have then you must see that as safeguarders for children they must ensure your children are safe? Not from physical harm, but from emotional harm in the case of you being distant enough for your son to be acting out for 2 years and miraculously stopping when he's being 'lovebombed' which as you described it above is just normal parenting with several young children?
If you were your SW would you close the case?

OP - you are getting angry and defensive.

Everyone on this thread has been constructive (physiologist/psychologist comment was a bit pedantic all the same)

You need to take on board what people are saying here Posters are not throwing your comments back in your face. Youare uncomfortable hearing peoples reactions to the comments you have made.

Just because you have had a good 3 weeks, does not mean that SW will cease involvement with your family.

If you can’t understand why SW are involved with your family, then you have a bigger problem than you realise.

Seriously- re read your posts. Imagine you were a social worker. How would you assess the situation?

I’ve read your previous posts and I’ve provided help and support (under another name). You’re understandably defensive but you’re only seeing things from your own point of view. To others, despite the changes, it is worrying. It’s worrying because it’s only very recently that things have improved. It’s fantastic that things have improved. Let things continue and let them oversee. Show them what has worked for you. I know you were in a dark place but a lot of what you have said is deeply concerning and there was a real risk to your son. One day, I hope you will look back and realise what other people can see. Right now, you’re still in the thick of dealing with everything; your son’s behaviour, 2 other small children, a job and all the rest of life. Trust me, stick it out and work with children’s services.

A Psychologist probably wouldn't get involved at least through the NHS given how young the child is. No one can fix your child, he's 5 and he needs guidance from caregivers, not therapy.

Op I'm sorry you're finding this thread difficult to read. Good that things have improved!! Well done!
I think it would be better for you to continue to work with SS. You say things are better but it's only been 3 weeks. The feelings you had 3 weeks ago are pretty shocking to read. I'm afraid the problem lies with you and your partner not your son. You both need to change the way you parent him. It sounds like this process has started, but until you address why you perceive your son to be a problem I fear SS will stick around (and that's a good thing for your son).

Ineedtostop if OP is in Scotland as some PPs have suggested, her son may start school later.

OP it's really good you've made changes. I understand you may not want to answer but I wonder if you had perhaps a difficult or traumatic time with your oldest child's father? It is not impossible to have ptsd from an experience of abuse or assault, and if your son resembles his father that can be a further trigger combined with challenging behaviour. It just all adds up to a picture which can point you towards getting the right help and support. If ADHD has been suggested it would be worth following that up especially if the changes you're making don't help long term. My eldest has ADHD and he was so difficult between the ages of 3 and 5 particularly. I definitely had the thought about what it he could go and be brought up by somebody else. But I hated the thought that he'd suffer by being separated from me. However I worry that not having the right info and support at that time damaged or relationship. I didn't have younger children at that time luckily so there was no jealousy involved.

It might be the case that a children's hearing will get you some support. Like others have said in Scotland they are not like courts. They will ask for a clear plan from SW to know what they are going to offer instead of them simply doing nothing to help and then put it in writing.

I know it sounds scary, but really is not as bad as people think.

Well done for the progress you have made so far.

The blame being attributed to this child is chilling. You need to realise his behaviour and actions are YOUR fault, not his. You can tell how you talk about him that you don't properly see him as part of your wee family with your partner . Of course his behaviour is shocking as a result.

They are literal cries for attention because his needs are neglected. The fact that you've managed the bare basics of parenting for 3 weeks and think what was being taught at the parenting classes is bollocks is so telling. My heart is breaking for the wee pet.

I have a 5 year old and tbh the more you post the more disturbing this is, 5 is still very young. I honestly hope ss stay involved for a very long time. You begged ss to take him away and offered them money. Then wonder why they won’t just go away

Op if things are going as well as you say SS will be out of your life eventually but they need to see these changes are sustained as 3 weeks is early days when you were offering to pay him to take your DS a couple of months ago , that is emotional abuse. It's great that you have made changes to your mental health and parenting style and DS is responding to this positively.

They need evidence of a s67 ground, usually lack of parental care to go to a children’s hearing so the case against you must be quite strong.

I think you would probably benefit from a children’s Hearing. 3 impartial people will tell you straight how you are doing after listening to everything you and the social worker say.

It’s sounds like there was a child protection investigation given you were having weekly visits. Did you have an initial case conference? Were the children’s names placed on the child protection register? Did you have 4 weekly core group meetings? It sounds like you are now in the post deregistration period so must have made some improvements- well done on that. But it can still go back to child protection if you aren’t meaningfully engaging until a post de reg meeting.

You said you wouldn’t harm the kids but your behaviour and parenting have harmed DS emotionally. Emotional abuse is the most common reason for social work intervention. You need to be more aware of children’s emotional needs and evidence that you are able to meet these needs.

I don't know if any of the above have happened, the social worker has never mentioned any of that. Like I say even when he comes out he doesn't note anything down, doesn't have a file about my children with him or anything. It is just a 6 minute chat, all the above sounds frankly fucking terrifying.

Ok just googled core group meeting, a meeting that happens with SS and relevant professionals? No that hasn't happened, the only meetings I've had is when he comes to the house

Have you not had any child planning meetings? It would be unusual to go to a hearing without having child planning meetings first. In your case I would have thought the CPM would have you, the HV, SW and nursery. A CPM would give you a child's plan, which I think would benefit you and your ds. If I were you I would ask the SW about it, unfortunately nursery will not attend as now Summer holidays. You could also speak with your HV as they will be involved until school starts in August

Like I said I'm not sure, HV no longer involved anyway. And the nursery stopped the meetings there as they don't believe there is any concerns. So it's just the social worker coming to the house.
Well that's what the letter says, that I basically need to comply with the meetings in my home or they will put it to a children's hearing

It sounds like you don't know what is happening, can you get a support worker from a voluntary agency to help. I am assuming you are in Scotland, if so you will still have a HV until your ds starts school in August, you can contact their office to find out who it is

I don't thinkit's gone as serious as people are making out, as far as I'm aware none of my children are on the register.
I'm not being investigated for abuse, there have never been any signs of abuse. The worst thing I've done is send DS to bed when he has been particularly bad.
I've had no meetings with anybody else. It's just the SW coming around for a chat, which like I say he hasn't been around since the start of June.

And he talks about my son's behaviour. He doesn't even ask how the other children are, if they aren't in the house he doesn't ask to see them or anything so I do not believe that he thinks they are at risk of abuse or neglect. Neither of which I have done to my children. Yes I haven't parented DS properly but I'm trying to make up for that now

No HV involved because I have refused them. I do not find them helpful for my own reasons.

OK just suggested them as they could clarify situation for you and speak with SW

Seems bizarre if they have been involved since Feb but not much has happened.
They will have a 'big file' or at least a file on your family - but this won't be a physical thing they carry around.
They must have real concerns to still be involved?

Well this guy has been coming since end of march/April time. We had 2 people before that so I understand him coming out for the first wee while to get to know us but now it just feels pointless as he just repeats the same stuff

Social workers never carry a child’s file around with them- it could get lost and that would be a data breach and the worker could get fired.

Most social worker home visits won’t involve taking notes.

He will write it up on the case management database back at the office.

He may well be visiting the child at nursery as well as at home to compare his behaviours in different settings.

He's maybe also tried your door at times when you were out.

It sounds like you are being supported under section 22 child in need. You are maybe on a waiting list for a support worker. It’s not unusual for this wait to be several months.

You still dont seem to understand emotional abuse and emotional neglect. Google these terms. Your ds has displayed signs of them. You need to recognise this and change your parenting long term (not just 3 weeks) to show he is no longer at risk of emotional abuse and emotional neglect.

Just the language you have used on this thread is evidence enough of emotional abuse. Even if you don’t say these things in front of ds he will be picking up on your mood, attitude, body language and tone of voice. This is the bread and butter of modern social work intervention.

I hope you do get the intervention you need.