To feel threatened by SS

[sashypants]

Back in February I had a massive meeting with my HV and my sons nursery, it was about his on going behaviour towards his siblings.

I said some days I wished I wasn't here and because of that, they got SS involved. I welcomed the help thinking that they'd either 1) take ds off me (would make me happy for about a day!) Or 2) get him seen by a physiologist .

FF to now and I'm just pissed off. The guy comes (the 3rd social worker we've had btw!!) Sees things are tough then says "awk well hopefully we can get you some help" this has been his words for the last 3 meetings.

So I refused any more meetings, and told him why. His response "I do understand but if we work together we can get you some help" 😤 but now I've got a letter that states if I do not comply with the meetings they will set up a childrens hearing basically, so pretty much I have to let them through my door or they will get some court order in place to be let through my door.

I feel this is grossly unfair, it's pretty much their way and nothing I can do about it 😓 am I really BU to request no more meetings

I think it’s confusing when you call the home visits ‘meetings’ instead of home visits!

You are not ‘too busy’ you are deflecting. He needs to observe the normal parenting patterns in your home- coming and going from nursery, meal times etc. You arent giving him the opportunity to assess you. So it will just drag out.

You blame him for not coming out for 3 weeks but then said that you’d cancelled on him. Make your mind up!

Hi OP
One thing that stands out for me is you asking for help and support - do you have homestart locally? Or even a local advocacy organisation? These are organisations that can give YOU support, as it sounds like you're getting frustrated with not receiving support from SS.
Either of those options a possibility? You could just Google those services in your area, or if you want to pm me your location, I'd be happy to look for you.

No he doesn't see his dad because like I said his dad isn't here
Yes I've tried home start before but they found DS to be quite unpredictable and highly temperamental so the lady was going to go back to the office and send somebody else out but they never did. I did chase it up but never heard back.

I never blamed him at all, I'm quite glad he hasn't come out! My point there was they obviously aren't that concerned as he is happy to go with it, he hasn't been insistent at all. So they obviously don't have as many concerns as everybody else is making out. But then I got that letter 😒

The meetings last for 6 minutes but even if they lasted for an hour you have to make the time.
You cannot tell SS you don't want meetings or visits. They are not going away.

I can't though, I can't squeeze any more time into the day. So it will have to go to a children's hearing

Does your DS know your partner isn't his dad and does he understand why he doesn't see his dad?

You have to make time social workers are human so will understand if things are busy In the house with dinners etc .

Yes he does know, he doesn't understand why though.
I know I do, I shouldn't be so defensive but I'm genuinely struggling to find the time. This job is the first I've had in 3 years so I'm a bit overwhelmed tbh!!

I hate to say this but your posts read as though you’re hoping SS will do something and certainly, refusing to engage will make that happen.

To be honest if a social worker said jump I’d ask how high. Are you hoping they’ll remove your child?

No, I do not want him taken away and would fight tooth and nail to make sure that didn't happen

The problem is that if the children's hearing are worried for your son you won't be able to say you have no time As it's not mandatory and child protection visits are much more regular and often unannounced. I get that your overwhelmed id just worry that this will make things much more difficult for you.

@sashypants it doesn't sound like your fighting tooth and nail. Honestly, engage and let him in the house. Your behaviour makes it look like you have something to hide.

He won't come here when they are having dinner as he doesn't work at that hour. He finishes at 5.
No I'm probably not but if they tried to take him away then I would.
No the letter says that the children's hearing would basically make these visits enforceable, so pretty much let him in now or it will go through a childrens hearing and I have to let him in

And he has said due to what we discuss he doesn't like coming when the DC are here, I've arranged a meeting before and he sees that the younger dds are here, he won't come in just says he will text to arrange another time

He doesn't want you to talk about your son in the way you have been on here in front of your other children. Which makes sense.

Let it go to a hearing because it forces both them and you to act. SS are shit in my experience. We too had 3 in the same amount of months. All equally unless with no knowledge of domestic abuse and how they were being used to perpetuate that abuse. They have finally, after 6 years, seen the light and are getting dc and me help to recover from the abuse we have experienced. It took the police being involved to make that happen. This is all voluntary though. 6 years of reporting DA here and more recently at ex's new home and relationship and nothing I said met their threshold for intervention so they must be pretty concerned about your family.
You do talk about your ds, DDs and your Dp as though they are somehow all separate from each other apart from your DDs and Dp. There's a link there but the rest of the family seems disconnected with no cohesion.

Please be careful. My dear friend had her 8 year old DS taken away by SS last year because he was deemed to be 'out of parental control' and her case met the threshold for intervention. She fights every day to have him returned home. All she ever did was to fight for meaningful support at home(he has a chromosomal abnormality which leads to extreme behaviour at times). They eventually swooped in and took him away to a children's home 100 miles away. It's like a never ending bereavement. Previously I read stories in the press of the SS being accused of kidnapping and took it with a massive pinch of salt. But I have now seen it with my own eyes, just how easy it is to find yourself powerless in front of them.

This quite frustrating.

I am explaining to you why those words are causing you trouble. And I'm suggesting words that you could use instead.

I am not telling you I'm better than you in the slightest - I am giving you actual, practical help in how to speak to SS, the Nursery, etc, that will help to demonstrate that you felt and said those things when you were at your lowest.

If you still refuse to think how your language is affecting you in terms of how people who have the authority to make applications to courts and obtain the legal power to make permanent decisions regarding your children - all of them, not just your son - never mind the child, and still take any help as an attack on you, then there isn't anything else anybody can do on here, other than offer when you are still posting about how awful SS are for not shrugging their shoulders and walking away.

I think you don't fully understand where things are at. When do you think you will fight tooth and nail for DS? What does that look like? If it's by shouting and screaming and throwing yourself on top of him when they are physically removing him, that's too late. That is the end of the pathway you are on. Get off it now by engaging with social services and doing what they ask - that is what fighting tooth and nail is.

You seem to think if it goes to a children's hearing, you will be able to explain this all away and they will tell social services they aren't needed. It is plain as day from your posts that you will be severely disappointed and on even more precarious territory.

No but if it goes to a hearing I can explain what we've done to make changes, and as a pp said also find out what SS plan actually is because so far nobody has said anything.
They're not going to remove Ds, the SW has pretty much already said so so it's not the end of the line at all.

@relativepitch
SS do NOT remove children, they do not have that power! It's the courts that make those decisions, based on the reports of many, many professionals. The only way a child is quickly removed from a parent or career is if they have been physically or sexually abused with irrefutable evidence. Neglect and emotional abuse are extremely hard to prove enough to meet the threshold for care proceedings.
I have experienced several cases where children have remained with parents for many months despite every professional shouting from the rooftops about the abuse they are living with.
Your friend's child may well have had all sorts of things going on to be removed, and obviously your friend isn't going to tell you about those things, is she? She would have been allocated a solicitor for free to act on her behalf in the court proceedings, and the child would also have had a court appointed guardian who is independent of social services to act in their best interests. No profession takes the removal of children lightly.

You are very naive about what a children’s hearing will involve.

For a start both dads will be invited and will be sent 20+ page reports on you detailing everything social work know about you.

At hearings they have to decide who the children will live with eg you, ex, another relative or in foster care. They don’t rubber stamp social work recommendations and can be more punitive than social work. If they think ds will be better off with dad they will give him residence. If he asks for contact they’ll give him that. You could open up a whole can of worms. Dont go to a hearing unless you can avoid it!!!

Arrange for dp to have a day off so you don’t have the kids and meet with the social worker in his office and talk through everything. That sounds like the only way to move forward atm.

A few weeks of improvement does not negate years of turmoil. I have a child with her own behavioral challenges. We have good spells. Then something happens and things get bad again.

Everything you have written says that your family desperately needs intervention. At bare minimum, your child should be in therapy. I would prefer to see a developmental evaluation, but I know those can be hard to come by (we are in a different legal area and thankfully had the money to go private or we would still be fighting for one)

Please keep working with SS. Sit down and figure out how they can help and then keep asking.

No it's not the end of the line. But you are on the line. You shouldn't be on it at all.