To be disgusted with DP?

[lizzlebizzle33]

About to leave for work this morning, early around 7am. Just as I'm looking for my work shoes upstairs ds1 wakes up and calls for me. So I go in to see him and tell him mummy has to go to work so daddy will be in in a minute to get him out of his cotbed.

I go into our room (where ds2 still sleeps, in his cot but still in our room)
And DP is watching porn on his phone and wanking under the covers.

Obviously I'm mad, 2 kids awake and in need of getting out of bed, ds2 was awake for a while as I could hear him while I was getting ready.
So instead of getting up he's just left the boys in their cots while he has a wank and with ds2 in the same room!!!!!!

I'm fucking livid, I couldn't even look at him when I came home. All he had to say this morning when I said What the hell? Was "oh I thought you had left already" what fucking difference does that make??????

It’s technically child abuse do watch porn and do the solo dirty in front of children.

As humans we're very unlikely to randomly make things up in our own minds.

I don't want to derail the thread, but I just have to point out that this is complete nonsense! In fact every single memory you have is a fabrication. Memory is reconstructive!

& we absolutely do NOT have genuine autobiographical memories from very early childhood - this is very well established in both psychology and neuroscience.

I was piled on by posters insisting that it was a false memory. But the verifiable details only support that it was a real memory.

I totally believe you.

I mentioned earlier that some thing random triggered a memory of something and my Mother was with me at the time and I said some thing like "did my dad used to...." and it upset my Mum because she thinks I shouldn't be able to remember. I don't care about it being outing now. Few years ago was shopping with my Mam, sister and bil and he picked up a belt he was thinking of buying, totally random but he did this thing where he folded it half and made it clack, I sort of saw it out if the corner of my and had an instance memory of sitting on a sofa and being scared as my Dad did the same thing with belt before whipping my legs with it and without thinking I asked my Mother if Dad ever hit me with a belt and the colour drained from her face. I was two when they spilt up and the incident I remembered happened a few months before. Apparently he hit her with the belt a lot too and always clacked it beforehand.

Lots of memories (and not very nice ones at that) have come flooding back, I can describe the layout of the house, what my bedroom looked like right down to some very small details but they are all attached to my Dad either hurting me, or my Mother and the only time these things happened was before I was two.

I'm not saying OPs dh is abusive in the same why my Dad was but if this has been a habit and would have continued if OP had not caught him it's not a ridiculous suggestions that one day there's every chance they could look back and know what was going on their brains develop.

I have a couple of similar memories and for the same reason. Of course we can remember that kind of incident, its a survival mechanism. Its completely ridiculous to claim they are false memories; they link a strong emotion with an event and we remember one or two key details that act as triggers later on.

Associative memories have a survival benefit, and yes these can form very early (even before birth) but a baby simply does not have the sense of "self" that is necessary for autobiographical memories. So a person may experience trauma as a baby and, for example, associate a certain sound with a feeling of fear, but they would not know why or be able to recall any specific details directly. They may be able to guess at details and/or parents may provide them with information - this then becomes the false autobiographical memory

OP, I’m sorry to hear you were confronted by this and no, it can’t have been pleasant. I think there are a few things though -

• Did you see what kind of porn it was? I mean, if I found DH watching something really ew or violent, this would make a big difference to say, girl on girl stuff (which is the only porn he claims he watches )

• I assume the sound was off and the baby couldn’t see the phone screen? Also, that he was doing it under the duvet? If not, then this is grounds for grave concern. You don’t need MN to tell you that.

However, if the baby really was not distressed and could not have seen or heard what was happening, then perhaps he was just getting it out the way before he was up and about with the kids. I know this will sound awful to many, but my DH says the only reason he watches porn is to “speed himself up” if he doesn’t have much time and just needs to get it out the way is he can focus on other things.

How do you feel about porn use and have you discussed this with him before?

He’s probably very embarrassed.

And you're not uneasy about being gone for two days not discussing his issues? Is he going to have another porn festival? How can you be too busy?

Get rid quickly, it had potential to escalate if this is his thing...... I came home early from work one day and found my now Ex OH wanking on camera in a on online TV chat room with my 6 yr old daughter in and out of the room and in full view of the neighbours who could see through our conservatory !