To be disgusted with DP?

[lizzlebizzle33]

About to leave for work this morning, early around 7am. Just as I'm looking for my work shoes upstairs ds1 wakes up and calls for me. So I go in to see him and tell him mummy has to go to work so daddy will be in in a minute to get him out of his cotbed.

I go into our room (where ds2 still sleeps, in his cot but still in our room)
And DP is watching porn on his phone and wanking under the covers.

Obviously I'm mad, 2 kids awake and in need of getting out of bed, ds2 was awake for a while as I could hear him while I was getting ready.
So instead of getting up he's just left the boys in their cots while he has a wank and with ds2 in the same room!!!!!!

I'm fucking livid, I couldn't even look at him when I came home. All he had to say this morning when I said What the hell? Was "oh I thought you had left already" what fucking difference does that make??????

But the baby in the same room was asleep. It was the child in another room who was awake and crying to get up.

That was my understanding of the op's posts. Am I wrong?

I don't think it's OK to carry on wanking when a child is crying, and I don't think it's sensible to wank in the same room as a child who will undoubtedly be waking soon. when there is another child nearby who is crying and therefore very likely to awaken the baby it doesn't seem like a risk worth taking. Furthermore, if he had his back to the baby how could he know if the baby woke and watched.

He could at least have gone and wanked in the shower.

I am going to be a bit of an outlier in my response. For sure, it is far from ideal- but I don't find this such a big deal and the talk of 'not getting through this' or leaving him seems totally overblown. It is clear that the little one in the same room was oblivious. And nothing you have said, OP, suggests your other child was in any kind of distress. Calling for mummy is different from truly needing a parent and he may not have heard, or known he could be done very quickly... part of being able to parent well is also not guilt tripping yourself to the nth degree when you actually take care of your own needs, in the moments you can find.....,So I don't see any suggestion that your man has in anyway jeopardized your children's well-being for his wank.

I suspect his thinking is that The kids were fine and can be taken care of just fine in a couple of minutes, once he has relieved his tension,...

7am sounds like a very unsexy time, but it is when a lot of men are horniest and they wake up ready for action! Unless there is an ongoing pattern of your man showing a lack of caring for your children, then I wouldn't be concerned by this. It is a bit icky..... probably shows the difference in perspective between a man and woman, but I don't think it reveals some fundamental flaw that should be difficult to get past.....

@Jux no the baby was awake too. Child in the in other room was calling out.

Yuck. I'd never be able to forget this. Rank behaviour

Vile - I so wish I hadn't seen this - so sorry OP 😥

This is more than grim, I hated reading something like this, and so sorry that you have to deal with this, and you are probably correct,that he does this a lot when you are out, and the porn as well, all grim anyway. And your young children in the room makes it all the more seedy and weird. No advice,as I would't know how to deal with a guy such as this.

Very, very different having sex in the same room as a sleeping baby to having sex with two toddlers very much awake and waiting to be dressed and fed!

Exactly. I'd imagine if OP posted saying she was the one caught watching porn and masturbating while one awake child was in the room and the other young child calling for mammy those who think it's no big deal wouldn't be saying it's ok.

Or if it was Grandad it an uncle babysitting you'd caught doing it they'd not be saying it's ok if the managed ejaculate within two minutes as it's not so bad. They'd never be leaving their children with grandad or uncle again I imagine.

Can't imagine my child calling for me and other one in the same room waking up for the day and me rolling over to rub one out first, even giving him the benefit of the doubt that he started when they were asleep, he ignored his child shouting out for a parents and continued.

It's all good and well some saying the kids had no idea, if it's something he's been doing regularly the children won't just one day realise what's going on, they don't just wake up one day and know that daddy is masturbating and watching porn on a morning. Children not having the language to describe and the capacity to understand is the very thing that makes them vulnerable.

I would feel exactly the same if it were the mother, actually..... (and I wouldn't be surprised if plenty posters who disapprove of this man would be more permissive of a woman doing the same)...

A grandfather or uncle, no- but then I would never have those people share a room with a baby, and assuming they were caring for the children temporarily, then yes - I would expect them to restrain themselves, as they can then go back to their child-free lives...... and taking care of someone else's child, we tend to place a higher bar for privacy/ propriety.

Full time parents have to be more realistic.... squeezing in time to go to the loo, fart, have sex with one another or themselves, have tiffs, and god knows what else, in semi privacy or none at all, squeezed within the gaps and tiny breathing spaces of parenthood. Again - seems clear that neither child was distressed or in actual need of anything or at all aware..... not because they don't have the words to express but because neither of them could see anything! I doubt there was any noise but if there was it is highly unlikely it would disturb a baby (as for example a raised angry voice would, which we have no doubt all done at times.).

I just think this is one of those ick situations which sparks a lot of judgement but doesn't actually involve any harm......

It's a very pertinent point that is being made about whether this would be ok if it was an uncle, family friend or grandfather doing this? I think we'd all be throwing that person out of our lives in disgust. The father of the children doing it whilst the children were needing him and one was awake in the same room as him is appalling. Possibly worse as they are his children.
There's just no acceptance reason.

*acceptable

BraveGoldie I'm sorry to see your bar set so low that you find it acceptable that a man just can't control himself and needs to wank in front of a child.

Just out of interest, I wonder what, for you, would be crossing the line.

OP I hope you spoke to him last night.

As a rule of thumb, on threads like this where you're wondering if something is acceptable, I usually think how i'd feel if it was made public, or if you had to share the info with a friend/solicitor etc. If it feels wrong, it's wrong.
And I, for one, can't imagine telling anyone I caught my dp wanking in a bed next to my awake child whilst my other awake child cried in his cot in the next room.

It's beyond selfish.

Like everyone has said it really is pretty grim, actually its disgusting!!
In your shoes, I'd have to ensure he NEVER EVER repeated it.
I would put a link of this on to your facebook page/or even his and create maximum embarrassment for him.

The result is he'll either man up or he'll piss off.

He would have to learn his lesson, no two way about it.
I can't get over how repulsive that must have been for you - I doubt you'll ever see him in the same light as before.

Teach the dirty bastard a lesson!

Yet another thread where seriously the OP should speak to her husband and not chuck it out here on Mumsnet. What possible good has any one of these posts done except confuse and conflate this issue in the poor woman’s head?
Maybe all these posts should just have a set of “leave him” “forgive him” voting buttons and we can cut all this verbiage.

I think he shows a great lack of self control and that is really horrible. If he cannot control his sexual feelings what else can't he control.

Have you discussed the matter with your partner, lizziebusy?

firesong

To me, using porn suggests it was not “functional”

would put a link of this on to your facebook page/or even his and create maximum embarrassment for him

That's something nice for the kids to look back on when their older

Didn't speak to him last night, he works late and I was asleep when he came back.

This morning I had the baby monitor next to me while I was downstairs getting ready for work, I heard the DC wake just before I was about to leave and DP brought them both downstairs straight away. I just said good morning to the DC, told them I was off to work, kissed them goodbye and left.

Didn't speak to or look at DP, still don't know how I feel about it, what to say, how to act normal.

@K1ssIt
Or if it was Grandad or an uncle babysitting
There's lots of stuff parents do around toddlers/kids that I'd not expect relatives/friends to do. And vice versa

Kids who walk in to use the loo while parent in the shower.
Is different to doing that while grandparent is in the shower.

People who said it's ok for a couple to have quiet sex, under the covers, while baby asleep in the room.
No I'd not expect them to say Uncle&Aunt is ok to do that.

Getting dressed in the morning around the kids etc etc.
Might be fine for parents, but not for Uncle.

Even though it's exactly the same action.

There's clearly a different boundary between how they act with direct family members or outside family/friends.

So changing the person in the senario @K1ssit clearly will change people's opinion.
Which just confuses the issue

The child in the cot, was he awake when this happened?

@SummerSix

This is from the OP

*I go into our room (where ds2 still sleeps, in his cot but still in our room)
And DP is watching porn on his phone and wanking under the covers.

Obviously I'm mad, 2 kids awake and in need of getting out of bed, ds2 was awake for a while as I could hear him while I was getting ready.
So instead of getting up he's just left the boys in their cots while he has a wank and with ds2 in the same room!!!!!!*

So yes, child awake.

Sorry, that didn't bold, but you'll see the stars at each side of the quote.

Apologies. Yes, two children awake, one in the same room.

Your DP is probably mortified to be fair. If he was cracking one out in 2 minutes under the covers with kids completely unaware and then washed hands (thoroughly) and got on with things.I think it isnt the end of the world. What is worse is that you can't trust him. Obvs you need a serious talk but I think just calm down a bit because the posters screaming ltb are a little over the top.

Your DP is probably mortified to be fair - what about? Being caught? Or watching some nice porn, get him going (small children always damper my ardour so best to ignore them whilst you watch something more interesting).