To be disgusted with DP?

[lizzlebizzle33]

About to leave for work this morning, early around 7am. Just as I'm looking for my work shoes upstairs ds1 wakes up and calls for me. So I go in to see him and tell him mummy has to go to work so daddy will be in in a minute to get him out of his cotbed.

I go into our room (where ds2 still sleeps, in his cot but still in our room)
And DP is watching porn on his phone and wanking under the covers.

Obviously I'm mad, 2 kids awake and in need of getting out of bed, ds2 was awake for a while as I could hear him while I was getting ready.
So instead of getting up he's just left the boys in their cots while he has a wank and with ds2 in the same room!!!!!!

I'm fucking livid, I couldn't even look at him when I came home. All he had to say this morning when I said What the hell? Was "oh I thought you had left already" what fucking difference does that make??????

@Newschapter Alreet grouch.

Your DP is probably mortified to be fair.

There's nothing fair about the situation he has put the OP in.

My DP said 'bloody hell thats a bit much aint it? I mean we all have needs but in front of his kid is disgusting!!'

I'd be concerned he does this regularly.

It's grim.

Imagine if he doesn't wash his hands then picks the baby up.

Pure vom.

There's lots of stuff parents do around toddlers/kids that I'd not expect relatives/friends to do. And vice versa

Kids who walk in to use the loo while parent in the shower.
Is different to doing that while grandparent is in the shower.

Is it? My Mother looks after my nieces and nephews a lot and if it's just her she wouldn't leave me so young children alone while she went and showered anyway as she'd be worried about something happening. She only goes in her husband is there to watch the kids and she locks the door but pretending she was alone and forgot to lock the door and a child comes walking in? I think it's a very different scenario to her masturbating and watching porn while knowing the two small children she is looking after is awake, one in the same room and the other calling for someone in the other.

People who said it's ok for a couple to have quiet sex, under the covers, while baby asleep in the room.
No I'd not expect them to say Uncle&Aunt is ok to do that.

I've not actually had sex with my child in the same room, asleep or awake. But if any couple, the parents or family members who laid there fucking knowing two children were awake I'd say that's grim.

Getting dressed in the morning around the kids etc etc.
Might be fine for parents, but not for Uncle.

Even though it's exactly the same action.

I don't agree. Sexually pleasuring yourself when you have two children to look after is grim and a whole different thing to a child walking in one someone on the toilet or putting clothes on. One is a person putting his wish to ejaculate above looking after his children to the point he ignores a child in the other room calling for a parent and rolls over from his other awake child to put porn on his phone.

There's clearly a different boundary between how they act with direct family members or outside family/friends.

So changing the person in the senario @K1ssit clearly will change people's opinion.
Which just confuses the issue

I'm a really laid back person. I don't agree with porn but know lots of other women don't mind their husband using it. There's nothing with someone either but I do have a boundary of not watching porn in the same room as my children be they awake. That alone is gross no matter who it is. I also have a boundary that if a child needs it parent they don't ignore them,roll over and sexually pleasure themselves.

If that makes me a prude then I'm a prude. I do really hope this was a one off and it's the first time he's done it but I'd not be surprised if it hasn't been either and as I said before a child not having the capacity to understand the sexual things happening in front of them is the very thing that makes them vulnerable.

I may be biased as I've worked with children and know that they do remember things they may not understand, it's only when they get older and learn what something is the memory comes back,

I've memories of my own father from a year old that my Mam is astounded I can remember (abuse but not sexual) and its was something so random that flashed it back and it upset my Mam hearing me say "did my dad used to ....."

Hope you’re doing okay today, OP

Get rid of the loser. Only pathetic losers watch porn.
What's more, he's also a shit father. A selfish pathetic loser who 1. gets a kick out of watching sexual abuse of women and 2. puts it before parenting.

Nah OP, you deserve much, much better.

For what it’s worth I showed this post to my DH and he was equally disgusted.

His opinion on this is not necessarily the use of porn (not wanting to get into the ethics of porn debate) or that a man fancies a wank every now and again, his issue is that OP’s partner did this knowing full well at least one of his children was awake and probably in need of care as most small children need first thing when they wake up.

That other DC was in the same room (DH said that even if he were really in the mood for some ‘self care’ - just one sound from one of our twins would kill said mood pretty damn quick) and awake also - so basically OP’s partner put his own ‘need’ (a word DH used rather sarcastically) above the needs of his children when he could have held off until a more appropriate time if he still fancied one later on...

So the long and short of it is, DH and I also agree that this is very grim behaviour 🤢

How are you @lizzlebizzle33?

Hope you're ok.

OP beware of getting more & more wound up reading our posts 🌷

I wouldn’t care about the porn or the wank I would only be annoyed if the boys were getting upset at not being taken out of their cots. If they were happy enough (even if DS1was calling for Mum) then 🤷🏻‍♀️ No different than if he was watching sport or reading the news

DS1 was in the other room & in your own words DS2 was oblivious

Grim. It’s good to know what his priorities are

No different than if he was watching sport or reading the news

Fuck. Imagine thinking this way.

I would rather an early memory of peering out my cot bed to be seeing my dad watching Match of The Day than touching himself to Porn Hub. Thanks all the same.

@IncrediblySadToo

Your comment is incredibly sad.

I'd be worried about the lack of respect you hold for people if you feel this is an OK thing to do.

He wouldn't have had a wank if his brother/sister was standing next to him, why OK when his baby son is?

No difference if you ask me. It's abuse, pure and simple.

It's also a crime if any adult masturbates in front of people. They can and do face charges of indecent exposure.

I'm not saying that to frighten the OP, I'm saying it because it's true.

It’s bad enough but for him to not even say anything?

He’s vile.

I genuinely couldn’t get over that!

🤷🏻‍♀️Imupallnightto your poor comprehension skills are showing. In terms of how long he took to get the boys out of their cots it doesn’t matter what he was doing. Time wise

The baby will have no idea what his Dad was doing under the bed cover, let alone remember it he’s a baby not a 5 yo 🙄

newschapter the baby was (in the OP’s words, the woman that was actually there!) oblivious to it. It’s nothing like ranking in front of adults who would be aware you were doing it, aware what it ‘is’ and uncomfortable because of that Completely & utterly different.

I hope you are ok OP

It's no where near the same as if he'd been watching the footie. Although I'd say a Dad who laid there ignoring his two awake children to watch the football first thing on a morning is a bit of twat too. Id say he can watch his precious footbal once he had his children up and sorted.

However ignoring one child shouting for a parent and an awake child in the same room while you watch porn and wank off is no where near the same as watching the fucking news. To be blunt if any child in my nursery described seeing this we would be contacting social services as the child protection training had parents exposing their children to sexual activity and sexual material as a big red flag. Any member of staff dismissing this as the same as watching the football would and rightly should lose their jobs. As has been said many tines the children not understanding the sexual activity going on and not having the language to tell someone doesn't make this ok.

A lot of pps have mentioned their partners views on this so I asked the men in my life today about this and all but one was absolutely disgusted and no man needs to orgasm so badly that they can't wait until nap time and go to bathroom. That watching porn around children is disgusting too.

One man said he didn't see it as a big deal but I wouldn't take comfort from that as the same man thinks raping 14 year olds isn't rape because they are old enough to know what they are doing and age of consent should be lowered to stop men's lives being ruined so I'm not at all surprised that one thinks it ok.

The OP also says that the older child had been awake a while as she heard him shouting for someone while she was getting ready for work so he's either he looked like a twat as he's either not stopped and kept watching porn and wanking ignoring the older kid has been shouting or yes started after the eldest has been shouting out.

Inappropriate either way.

I’m with the others, OP. It’s hard to understand how he can know that you are trying to get ready for work and that his children need him but instead he decides he’s going to finish masturbating and they can just wait. It’s so selfish and crap parenting. The fact one of your children was in there with him, plus it was so early in the morning and necessitated loading up porn and neglecting parenting makes me wonder if he has a bit of an issue with porn addiction as surely he’d just wait for a quiet, private time otherwise. Not trying to create more worry for you, it just might be a reason for why it happened and might be something to consider talking to him about. 7am porn on a busy morning surrounded by children calling for you both is clearly not something you are being unreasonable to be very upset by. Hope you’re ok.

@IncrediblySadToo

Come back to me when you're working with self harming teens. Ones who can't cope with flashbacks from their childhood so release the pain through cutting.

Ones who start their conversations by saying "I remember once..., But I was a baby, I shouldn't remember that"

You're being very insensitive.

Newschapter, I once said here that I remember distinct and independently verifiable memories from a very early age. I've always had those memories of that person, abroad and activities we did. I always assumed that I was around three or so, but the only time I was in that country with that person was when I was 14 months old.

I was piled on by posters insisting that it was a false memory. But the verifiable details only support that it was a real memory.

It's not the wanking...it's not the porn...it's not the baby being in the room. It's the toddler and baby being awake (one in the same room) and needing him at a time where you had to be out of the house.

No, I doubt it's the first time, but you have to hope he's become complacent with his discretion and you sitting him down and saying "I'm disgusted, that is out of order" should be enough for him to realise. It's hideous and he needs it being said to him. If he wants a morning wank he can get up early and do it in the shower before his children (who he is in charge of) are up....or just not do it!

@NewFoneWhoDis

Your memories are real.

As humans we're very unlikely to randomly make things up in our own minds.

Often if our experiences are negative we'll block them out for years until a memory triggers them.

I worked with a client who had vague memories of her father getting out of her sisters bed.

When we sat down and worked it out, the client was about 14 months and in her cot.
She always assumed she had remembered it wrong, but after therapy and approaching her sister, yes, he had abused the sister for years even in front of siblings.

Your memories are valid.

I remember being bathed in a little red bath on the balcony of our first flat. My mum refused to believe me until she asked my dad (memory of an elephant) and he confirmed the colour.

@IncrediblySadToo - it's unfortunate that you have such low standards of what is acceptable of a father/husband but luckily you are in the minority.

Thank you for all your replies. I'm still not sure how I feel about the whole thing and DP and I are still not right.

We haven't spoken about "it" as we've both been busy, he goes to work just an hour after I get home and he isn't back until late when I'm asleep.

I'm away with work for 2 days tomorrow, so I think we will speak when I get back, although I don't know where to start.

He has certainly acted sheepish, extra helpful, making me a brew when I get in and having the house tidy for when I get back. So although we haven't spoken and he hasn't apologised!!!!!!! I know he knows it was wrong and is sorry.

I am still struggling to look him In the face though and see anything other than that morning. I don't know how I can mentally let it go and move on.
I guess I will have to wait and see what happens after we talk.

Thank you Newschapter that is very reassuring - The memories weren't unpleasant - I was sent alone to stay with a relative for several weeks due to mother and father undertaking a renovation project in a third country. I stayed with her for about 6 weeks. I had never met this relative prior to that, and all of a sudden my mum, dad and siblings were not there, and I was in a strange house with a strange woman. Now, she was very kind and I got doted on for those weeks - utterly spoiled, but I suppose that such an event would be very unsettling for a 14mo regardless. And it's worth mentioning that those memories are very vivid and as clear in my memory as my memory of this morning.

I've always felt 'left out' by my family - even now in my forties and it's possible it stems from this, and knowing later that they were on a family holiday albeit a working one for my parents, but I was left behind because I was young enough to require eyes on me at all times.

To get back on topic - in the OP's case, I do agree with you that she should have concerns. The child may not yet be of age to verbalise or even realise what they may be seeing or even just hearing, but it may be unsettling enough for that child to have very vivid recall.