Not telling dp about dd's periods

[Loveatthefiveanddime]

Not happened yet, this is hypothetical. It comes from a conversation with a male colleague at work, (for the record he is 29, childless, and very right-on).
He was saying that if his partner did not tell him when their imaginary future daughter started her periods, he would be gutted.
I argued that if a child has specifically requested that you 'don't tell dad' then you shouldn't as it is her body and her privacy?

In my case, I could imagine very well my dd saying that and actually I don't think it would be a huge deal for my partner as he would respect her privacy, but I am thinking it through now a it is probably quite imminent.

But AIBU? The male colleague was horrified, and said that a mum and dad should be absolutely united on everything and that means absolutely no secrets whatsoever.

an announcement

Why do people keep describing it like this as if heralds are going to march into the dining room? I don't see how a discreet word to their father is very different to him finding out on his own. The end result is exactly the same, except noone gets to be their DD's secret best friend confidante.

There’s a difference between a girl wanting privacy not wanting an announcement and letting dad come to the conclusion on his own.

I'd really like to know what that difference is.
She may not want to be the one telling dad, as she could feel awkward, but she still loses (what you consider) privacy regardless of how her dad finds out.
It makes no sense.

Why not "I have to tell dad because he is your parent as well, but you don't have to talk about it with him"?

@bertrandrussell - you say the extraordinarily contortions of some posters notwithstanding - accusing people of contortions here is disingenuous, I think - I have disagreed with quite a lot of what you have said in a straightforward way - I have not contorted anything and I haven't noticed anyone else who disagreed with you contorting anything. In fact, I have tried to provide you with guidance.

And in fact, I would go further and suggest that you accusing others of contorting things is you extraordinarily contorting what has been said.

Imagine boys trying to hide their growing moustaches from their mothers
What you mean like shaving in private? Why on earth shouldn't they if thats what they want to do?
It's not really the same thing though. I suppose you could compare it to a boy having wet dreams. I have no idea when my boys had wet dreams and didn't really feel entitled to know, though they were free to tell me if they wanted to.

My DD is very open about this and she told her dad and her DB herself. She’s even discussed it with her grandparents a few times 😂 But if she’d only told me and asked me not to share it, then I would have respected it, though I would perhaps have said that it might be an idea for dad to know for reasons mentioned upthread: moods/bins/stained underwear etc.

I started my periods just before my 10th birthday. My mum was great. I never gave my dad a thought to be honest.
My mum told my dad, but my dad has 6 sisters, a mother and a wife, so it wasn't exactly an alien concept to him.
To be fair, i never even realised that my dad even knew, as he never mentioned it and my mum never said that she had told him.
It wasn't until years later that i realised that clearly he must have known at some point due to boobs growing and body shape changing.
Its only natural for the mother to tell the father, they are a couple and these are their kids. However, discretion is the better part of valor. She may tell her partner, but her partner doesn't have to mention that he knows, nor does mum have to tell her daughter that she's told him. That way everyone is happy.
Its nothing to do with privacy, secrecy or shame. It's everything to do with common sense, wellbeing and welfare.

I suppose you could compare it to a boy having wet dreams.

Only if you sexualise periods.

It would be comparable to girls having wet dreams.

I have no idea when my boys had wet dreams and didn't really feel entitled to know

This isn't really the same though. Let's imagine that somehow wet dreams could also cause regular severe pain and other medical issues. Maybe you're still not ENTITLED to know (are we entitled to know anything about anyone?) but would you not think it was in their best interests if you did?

“OK- I won’t tell him, but he’s probably going to find out just because of supplies in the shipping and stuff. And that’s fine-he knows all about periods. You don’t have to talk to him or anyone else about it if you don’t want to”

Lweji I don't sexualise periods, no, they're similar in that they're both part of puberty concerning the child's reproductive system. There is no direct make equivalent to menstruation, but I wou ld say wet dreams were closer to them than facial hair.
Halloumi oh y es, the worst case scenario. No I'd just deal with those symptoms if they arose. I didn't assume that my daughter would have those problems either, and guess what, she didn't.
It doesn't really apply to my daughter because she has special needs, but if she didn't I'd still leave it up to her to decide to tell her dad if she had period pains, I wouldn't automatically assume he needed to know.

Nowhere except mumsnet would you find so many posts about something like this.

In real life away from the keyboards, I imagine most sensible mums would just say 'Fine love, I won't tell your dad if that is what you prefer.'

I might gently ask at some point if she minded me telling her dad if she was feeling poorly and therefore some insight was needed as to why.

What I find most odd is the 29 yr old man who brought this up in a mixed group meeting.

I have a son in his 30s, unmarried, no kids and there is absolutely no way I could ever imagine him starting this type of chat with office staff.

I find the whole concept bizarre and he sounds incredibly naive about relationships.

What concerns me about the idea that a girls periods are only for her mum to know about is further entrenching the belief that either periods are shameful or men can't sympathise with certain things.

A daughter's dad is teaching her, just by example, what a man is and isn't concerned with. Imagine that girl now being married. She feels her husband isn't to be trifled with about periods.

She may take on the responsibility of talking to her dd because 'that's the mum's job.' And the cycle continues and men are happy because there's no pressure on them to care about periods.

Nowhere except mumsnet would you find so many posts about something like this.

Exactly. And the bizarre scenarios proving that the information had to be shared. FFS it's like being in an alternate universe where someone's periods are vital information that has to be shared, and the non-sharing is exclusion of the highest order.

Its not necessarily all about mum being the only one to know.
I wouldn't tell my daughters best friend if she hadn't told her of her own volition.

What concerns me about the idea that a girls periods are only for her mum to know about

lucky that no-one's been saying that, then.

I have 2 DS, no DDs, however if they ever say "Don't tell Dad" I just say that I tell Dad everything and we don't have any secrets.

“I have 2 DS, no DDs, however if they ever say "Don't tell Dad" I just say that I tell Dad everything and we don't have any secrets”
Hmm. So if that meant your children had to deal with something on their own rather than seeking support from a parent would you think that was a good outcome?

I told my mother not to tell the male parental unit. He then said something with all the sensitivity of a flying mallet that made it obvious he knew. . I was annoyed that she told him and she justified it on the grounds that he was my parent too and had the right to know.

I was but not incandescent. As an adult, I tend to think, yes, both parents should really be aware of whether everything is progressing normally in their underage child’s physical development.

So if that meant your children had to deal with something on their own rather than seeking support from a parent would you think that was a good outcome? bertrand I think it is best that when one of your dc want to keep something secret you talk about it with them about why and try to explain why it is not a good idea so that they understand that and do seek support. Trust in terms of you not telling something you said you would keep secret is important, but trust in terms of them trusting that you will do the right thing is important too. Secrets and lies are not healthy in this situation and you should tread cautiously, I feel. And I would struggle to trust you generally knowing that you think that secrets are ok - so how would you be sure that you taking that approach would inspire trust from your dc?

There are secrets and secrets obviously - a secret birthday cake is ok - but when other types of secrets become the norm, how do you know when they are withholding info from you, on the basis of you teaching them "secrets are ok" and how would you then be sure that they aren't hiding something which is hurting them?

In your speech up thread about how you would say "if you don't want to tell anyone you don't have to" and I would be concerned that this might be interpreted as too disengaged, too disinterested.

If you were talking about friends at school - fine - "don't tell them if you don't want to". But you are talking about their father, and in a normal relationship I think most people would find the idea to be odd and unhealthy. Surely it would be better to ask "Why" - "Why don't you want to tell him?"

@Prawnofthepatriarchy I love this! I was 11 when I started, and was away at boarding school (about a million miles away from my parents). I called my mother to tell her, and the next day my dad sent me a single red rose with a card that said "now that you are a woman I wanted to be the first man to send you flowers". It was such a sweet way to honor a milestone and I have never forgotten it. When my own daughter started I tried to replicate the moment, but it didn't quite go properly and everyone involved just end up laughing like a loon. Even though it wasn't the touching experience I had, it showed my daughter that there is nothing to be embarrassed about, and my son (two years older than his sister) is as able to walk into the shops and buy sanpro as his dad.

@WhyTho

But in healthy parenting we don't need to know only vital information about our children.

Attentive and active parents should know most things about their young children.
There's no reason why a good father shouldn't know about his DD's periods.
But certainly not ok for only one parent to know.

I don't agree with lying to the child either. If you agree with not telling dad, then you shouldn't tell him. But I don't agree that we should agree with such secrecy.

I don't even ask ds to keep things in my life from his NR and DV parent. Because I don't want him to be raised in an environment where keeping secrets is ok.

I just think that people have a perfect right to decide who they share stuff with. And that includes children. If one of mine said “I’ve got something to tell you but I don’t want to tell dad” my first reaction would not be to say that wasn’t an option, because then they might not tell anyone......

Meh. I told DD's father and explained to her why he needed to know. She understood but didn't want to tell him herself or talk about it at all. As far as I know he has respected that.

BlueJava
I have 2 DS, no DDs, however if they ever say "Don't tell Dad" I just say that I tell Dad everything and we don't have any secrets.

I'd be afraid that years later they'd tell me "Dad's brother Ian was abusing me, but I was afraid to tell you because you'd tell Dad and he wouldn't believe me".