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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not telling dp about dd's periods

437 replies

Loveatthefiveanddime · 27/06/2019 09:19

Not happened yet, this is hypothetical. It comes from a conversation with a male colleague at work, (for the record he is 29, childless, and very right-on).
He was saying that if his partner did not tell him when their imaginary future daughter started her periods, he would be gutted.
I argued that if a child has specifically requested that you 'don't tell dad' then you shouldn't as it is her body and her privacy?

In my case, I could imagine very well my dd saying that and actually I don't think it would be a huge deal for my partner as he would respect her privacy, but I am thinking it through now a it is probably quite imminent.

But AIBU? The male colleague was horrified, and said that a mum and dad should be absolutely united on everything and that means absolutely no secrets whatsoever.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 18:38

My dd told me she was in an abusive relationship. She wasn’t ready to tell her father-and I would have lost her if I hadn’t kept her confidence. She told her father a couple of months later. They were a crap couple of months for me- but it wasn’t up to me who she told and when.

BiBabbles · 27/06/2019 18:39

On one hand, I think it's my DDs right to tell whoever she wants about her periods and it's not my place unless there is somehow some sort of relevant medical emergency where she's unable to do so (I'm struggling to think of one). I'm not sure why I would or should be the person to tell her father or anyone else when she started or was menstruating or anything like that. It's not so much keeping it secret as that's her information to share when and with who she wants. I don't keep secrets from my DH, but I don't really give him other people's information without an important reason, and my DD's periods are her information, not mine.

On the other, I'm not entirely sure how I would have kept it secret. Maybe it's just my DD, but she wasn't very subtle with the sanpro with her first period. Maybe if she had told me that she wanted to keep it secret I might have been more proactive in telling her how to do that, but it wasn't exactly difficult to tell with her leaving the bathroom drawer of sanpro supplies 90% open and the waste in the bin from her from her changing her pad every 4 hours no matter what because one of her books said to change every 4 to whatever hours. I had to nip that one in the bud quickly. Her father might have noticed the My Little Red Book anthology I'd bought to give her when she started was no longer in our room, but instead she was reading it all the time, but she could have hidden that away in her room if she wanted. In any case, I didn't really need to tell him or anyone else, she told who she wanted and we moved on.

Now that my DD uses cloth pads, I only know about it when her pads show up in the washing machine when I'm the doing laundry. If a GP or other HCP asked me about her periods, as others suggest might happen, I wouldn't have the foggiest idea except that she is tracking her cycles with an app. I can barely keep track of my own these days, and mine are actually regularly medically relevant as I have POI. Maybe I'm not the most active and attentive parent, but I prefer giving my DD the space to discuss her periods and any of the other information as, when, and with who she wants.

I don't view her not telling us everything or not telling her father everything she tells me or her father not telling me everything she tells him as keeping secrets, I just view it as a natural part of having different relationships with different people and some topics come up at different times. I also have a child that told me they think they're gay and I have absolutely no intent of saying anything about it to their father until said child chooses to bring it up or tells me to. It's not a secret (we've suspected for a while), but that's their personal information, not mine.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 18:39

“Meh. I told DD's father and explained to her why he needed to know.”

What did you say?

Pinkfinkle · 27/06/2019 18:40

My parents separated when I was a baby. I started my periods close to my thirteenth birthday and I remember asking my Mum not to mention anything to my Dad. She just sent me off to his house with pads and I tried to change and dispose of them discreetly. He probably knew but I really didn’t want to talk to him about it, I found it all highly embarrassing at the time.

Thatsashame · 27/06/2019 18:40

My mother told my step father. Her then boyfriend that i had started my periods the day it statted. At the dinner table in front of my little sister. I was beyond mortified. This man then went on to ruin our mother daughter relationship. She then married him, had a kid with him and he was a bloody creep. I told her don't say anything to him. But you know creepy boyfriends come before your daughter...apparently

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 27/06/2019 18:54

I would tell dh..regardless but she wouldnt know about the fact that I had told him....I don;t keep anything from my dh regarding any of the kids ever.We are equal parents and if he knows I know and vise versa.If we decide to keep it from the kids,that each other knows then we do but we dont have secrets or privacy between us regarding them.

SoupDragon · 27/06/2019 19:16

What did you say?

To who?

SoupDragon · 27/06/2019 19:17

I explained earlier in the thread.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 19:25

So are people saying that they would never keep one of their children’s confidences from their father?

GoldilocksAndTheThreePears · 27/06/2019 19:30

I was 9. I asked my mum not to tell my dad not because I was weepingly ashamed or embarrassed, but because I knew he would be. I know my dad, I knew he would be awkward and dwell on it because that's how he is about bodily anything. And she told him. And he was really weird with me about it and it made it 100x worse because I knew and I asked and she still told. As I'm the oldest of 4 girls he got more at ease with it, he's a good dad but very uncomfortable and tiny little 9 year old me knew it'd be rough and didn't think to ease his way into periods and such, his little girl growing up, I wanted something major happening to me to be made slightly easier. I can't think of a single benefit of him being verbally told I'd started, he'd have worked it out very soon. There was no buying of products for me, I was allowed to take a couple of my mum's giant thick sanitary towels and otherwise managed with loo roll and washing knickers to dry in my room until I was 11 and got a paperround and could buy stuff.

I wasn't asking because of my issues but his. Definitely not my job to force him to be ok with it, even if I could have thought of the idea at that age. As it happened my mum felt proud or something, like I'd made a grand achievement or hit some kind of goal and told literally everyone in existence. Both shops in my village, and the chemist in the next village, all her gossipy friends, she called my aunt in Spain.

I'm not saying children can set their own boundaries, not totally, but sometimes they deserve enough respect to have a little privacy in their lives.

Branleuse · 27/06/2019 19:30

bit weird to not tell the dad, especially if he has any responsibility for her ever.
What about when he wants to take her swimming and she doesnt want to go that week? Gonna make up some obscure story?

Nothing to be ashamed of. Dad doesnt need to know everything about his daughters cycle, but its worth him knowing its started

BillywilliamV · 27/06/2019 19:33

Wouldn’t have occurred to me not to tell him

bridgetreilly · 27/06/2019 19:52

There are some confidences that it's fine to keep.
There are some that you should never keep.
There are some where you can keep it but you might also encourage them that actually it would be okay for the other person to know.

I would put periods in the third category. It's not a safeguarding issue where you really need to report no matter what. But if you're in a house together, or if her dad is sometimes in sole charge, it's just really helpful if everyone knows and it's not some big shameful secret. Because it isn't. It's just a period. And frankly, hiding periods from people you share a bathroom with doesn't really work anyway. So I would encourage her to realise that it isn't that big a deal, that it's fine for her dad to know, and that while you don't all have to chat about it, she can ask him to buy her pads/tampons or whatever when she needs them, just as much as she can ask her mum.

JacquesHammer · 27/06/2019 20:01

So are people saying that they would never keep one of their children’s confidences from their father?

I’m perfectly happy and do keep her confidences. Except when, as a parent, I judge it in her best interests not to. Periods would be a case in point.

Turns out it was necessary as she texted him in a very excited fashion when she started. Grin

DrCristinaYang · 27/06/2019 22:02

My mum didn't tell me anything about periods until I was 10. Before she told me she also said that I must NEVER talk about what she was going to say to a man- basically instilling a sense of shame before I even started. This wasn't even 10 years ago.
When I started my periods at 12, I was humiliated and felt ashamed. I could barely say the word period until I was like 16/17 and I only developed the confidence to talk to others about my periods and problems I had e.g cramps and heavy flow.
I have always remembered those words that my mum said to "never tell a man" etc.

Mummyshark2019 · 27/06/2019 22:08

I remember when I started, I asked my mum not to tell my dad as I was really embarrassed. She told him anyway and I was gutted. He never mentioned it, but would have been good to have been listened to.

CharityDingle · 28/06/2019 00:18

I just don't understand why a guy in his late twenties with no children would be fretting about how gutted he would be about his non-existent daughter's periods. Or why it would be a subject for discussion in the workplace. If he actually had a daughter, okay, but he doesn't Confused.

SemperIdem · 28/06/2019 02:05

I would actively encourage my daughter to do the opposite, if she says such a thing when she starts her periods.

I was 13 when my periods started - when my mum was on honeymoon with my step dad and I was staying at my dad’s. He didn’t so much as bat an eyelid, just went off to the shop to buy me some sanitary towels. I think it is important that young girls don’t grow up with the view that only mum can know.

Glovesick · 28/06/2019 03:44

My dad once said to me quite casually that he knew I would probably ask mum, but that he knew about women's things and if I ever needed to ask him anything, he would be happy to help or find out the info if he didn't know.

Do when the time came, Mum was away and I felt confident to go and tell him I had come on and needed help. He just got on with it.

Maybe DHs should be more open and lay the groundwork early. Not up to mums alone, surely.

Also, I would fully respect request for confidentiality but make clear it might come out some other way and explain it would be useful to tell dad but no rush. Let her get comfortable with herself first

SoupDragon · 28/06/2019 07:22

So are people saying that they would never keep one of their children’s confidences from their father?

Well, I'm not.

BertrandRussell · 28/06/2019 07:54

@Glovesick - that is probably one of the most sensible posts on this thread.

cropcirclesinthefields · 28/06/2019 07:59

I was told before my H when sd started her periods and was asked not to tell him, but I did as he is her father and would need to know. It seems like a big thing now but it won't matter in a bit.

Mishtry · 28/06/2019 08:05

I have extremely painful periods coupled with migraine with an aura which can affect my vision. I really worry about my daughter developing this too at the onset of her periods.

My DH would have to know if she was similar so if I’m not around he can take care of her. Plus I don’t want her feeling like its something to hide. It’s a difficult one, she has a right to her privacy but in my case my period is not a small thing and has affected my functionality. Tbh i also wouldn’t want her to think periods are taboo.

I’d encourage her to let me let her dad know. I wouldn’t just tell him but he’d pick up on it anyway. Weekly shop etc, plus I think if our daughter was in pain he’d want to try to ease that for her insofar as he could. She needs to be able to talk to her dad and periods are not embarrassing they are just a bit shit. I don’t want her to ever feel ashamed at asking for a box of tampons or a hot water bottle.

CassianAndor · 28/06/2019 09:18

I would fully respect request for confidentiality but make clear it might come out some other way and explain it would be useful to tell dad but no rush. Let her get comfortable with herself first

YES. This exactly.

How can anyone argue with that???

GabriellaMontez · 28/06/2019 10:18

Yes to @Glovesick

Your dad sounds sensible.

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