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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not telling dp about dd's periods

437 replies

Loveatthefiveanddime · 27/06/2019 09:19

Not happened yet, this is hypothetical. It comes from a conversation with a male colleague at work, (for the record he is 29, childless, and very right-on).
He was saying that if his partner did not tell him when their imaginary future daughter started her periods, he would be gutted.
I argued that if a child has specifically requested that you 'don't tell dad' then you shouldn't as it is her body and her privacy?

In my case, I could imagine very well my dd saying that and actually I don't think it would be a huge deal for my partner as he would respect her privacy, but I am thinking it through now a it is probably quite imminent.

But AIBU? The male colleague was horrified, and said that a mum and dad should be absolutely united on everything and that means absolutely no secrets whatsoever.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 15:44

“Are mums and their DDs start secretly buying pads and tampons and stashing them under their DD's knickers”
No. They just aren t automatically telling their dad when they start.

zweifler1 · 27/06/2019 15:44

Blistory
Sorry but I find female posters back patting each other for their dismissal of the rights, wants and needs of female children almost as bizzare as their desire to show how progressive they are by centering men in a discussion about girls and menstruation.

Quick check: Is it centering of the rights and needs and wants of girls in a discussion about menstruation to try and argue that with absolutely no data that most girls don't experience any period pain? And that periods aren't really a big deal? Like you were arguing before?

And no matter how many times you misconstrue people's arguments, we're still going to post that we believe it's in the best interests of GIRLS to destigmatise periods and discuss them openly in their homes. It's in the interests of girls.

LisaMontgomery · 27/06/2019 15:45

If it's to do with their child's health they have a right to know.

Until what age? My dad has no right to know my medical history.

Lweji · 27/06/2019 15:46

Until what age?

Until they are legally responsible for their children. Surely that should be obvious.

VivienneHolt · 27/06/2019 15:46

Quick check: Is it centering of the rights and needs and wants of girls in a discussion about menstruation to try and argue that with absolutely no data that most girls don't experience any period pain? And that periods aren't really a big deal? Like you were arguing before?

Indeed...

Until what age? My dad has no right to know my medical history.

If you’re a child then I think you’re too young for mumsnet but you should check the site Ts&Cs to be sure.

Lweji · 27/06/2019 15:47

They just aren t automatically telling their dad when they start.

So, you'll have to hide it...

VivienneHolt · 27/06/2019 15:47

I’m off to the dentist but thanks to @zweifler1 and other voices of reason in this mental clusterfuck of a thread.

WhyTho · 27/06/2019 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Halloumimuffin · 27/06/2019 15:48

Sounds like I did the wrong thing telling my Dad when I found blood in my pants at 10. I should have continued to stuff toilet tissue down there so as not to betray the secrets of the sisterhood.

zweifler1 · 27/06/2019 15:48

Contortions such as a child unconscious in hospital and it being vital that the doctors know whether she has started her periods yet and her poor father not knowing......

If you're of child bearing age, doctors 100% ask about your last period because of potential pregnancy. it's not in the slightest bit farfetched and would be medically relevant.

As for a child being unconscious, it's not usual but generally as parents we plan for lots of different scenarios. I don't want to be the only person who knows anything about my DD's health. It's important for both parents to know what's going on in case of emergency or accident.

LisaMontgomery · 27/06/2019 15:49

Until they are legally responsible for their children. Surely that should be obvious.

It isn't obvious because that already isn't the case. Girls (and boys) have private medical appointments under the age of 18 and are allowed to make their own decisions way earlier than that. From 2020 they will also be allowed to access sex education even if their parents refuse consent.

Halloumimuffin · 27/06/2019 15:49

think they’re thick enough not to realise girls menstruate without being told

So exactly WHY can't they be told, if they are so obviously going to work it out for themselves?

Blistory · 27/06/2019 15:49

Gillick competency etc

Not my opinion but the law of the land.

Lweji · 27/06/2019 15:51

Just because you don’t make an announcement, that any half intelligent man would realise on his own, doesn’t mean you go out of your way to hide it.

You seem to want to have it both ways.

If a girl says she doesn't want her dad to know, how do you propose you go about respecting her wishes? Allowing her dad to find out is almost the same as telling him.

BertrandRussell · 27/06/2019 15:52

“Sounds like I did the wrong thing telling my Dad when I found blood in my pants at 10. I should have continued to stuff toilet tissue down there so as not to betray the secrets of the sisterhood.”
Don’t talk bollocks. That was your choice. YOUR CHOICE!! Which you made. Nobody made it for you.

Lweji · 27/06/2019 15:54

It isn't obvious because that already isn't the case.

Sure... But the original question was rather stupid.
As with most things, it's age related. But if a child is not old enough to go to the doctor alone, surely it's not old enough for a parent to be kept in the dark about their body issues.

Halloumimuffin · 27/06/2019 15:54

YOUR CHOICE!

Not really, because I HAD NOONE ELSE. My point is for every poster who seems to think men are only interested in controlling their daughters and couldn't possibly have anything to contribute to their female children's health, well it's not true. Maybe we should teach our embarrassed and shy daughters that their fathers can actually care for them and their wellbeing just as well as their mothers can.

happyinherts · 27/06/2019 15:56

Times have moved on. As a poster upthread has said, before the age of advertising and education within schools, the subject of periods was rather taboo. Dad's weren't stupid, but somehow they didn't appear to be informed of daughter's periods. Not so much from a secrecy point of view - but possibly a combination of privacy and dignity. Even speaking about sanitary towels in public was frowned upon. STs being a common short form definition.

The world has moved on, which is no bad thing. However, rights to privacy - not secrecy - should always be respected.

Halloumimuffin · 27/06/2019 15:57

What if a girl didn't want to tell their mother either? What if they left themselves to bleed freely too embarrassed to tell you what was happening? Would you be unhappy that she hadn't told you or is not your business to know either?

zweifler1 · 27/06/2019 15:59

Lweji
You seem to want to have it both ways.

If a girl says she doesn't want her dad to know, how do you propose you go about respecting her wishes? Allowing her dad to find out is almost the same as telling him.

Agreed. Suddenly he knows but we're just not acknowledging it. Which doesn't even make any sense with the privacy argument because now we're just really arguing about whether or not DHs should pretend not to know about periods with their DDs when they clearly do.

@VivienneHolt
I’m off to the dentist but thanks to @zweifler1 and other voices of reason in this mental clusterfuck of a thread.

Yikes, good luck at the dentist.

I've gotta go pick up the kids but, yeah, this is a pretty surreal thread. Girls don't have period pains; womens stuff is no interest of men. I'm glad it's becoming a minority viewpoint in today's society at least. My DH and his friends know what periods are, are interested in their daughters and their lives and in not just in relegating all the emotional labour and "women stuff" to me. But that's clearly not for everyone...

haloumi · 27/06/2019 15:59

I'd be more likely to try to have a grown up conversation like an adult about human biology and men and women than have some kind of special "girls club"

OldAndWornOut · 27/06/2019 16:01

Wouldn't have happened in my home because periods were discussed and supplies were in place, always.
After all, its a normal natural thing; no shame, no secrecy.
But I wouldnt have made an announcement to her dad without her permission.

WhyTho · 27/06/2019 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CharityDingle · 27/06/2019 16:03

I am a bit puzzled by the fact that someone would be visualising and verbalising how they would feel about not being told about a non existent daughter's periods.

Melroses · 27/06/2019 16:06

Would you be unhappy that she hadn't told you or is not your business to know either?

DD2 didn't tell me. She knew what was what, and the equipment was readily available for her use, and I topped it up as needed. I was there if needed, and she didn't need me so I consider that job well done Wink