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Original poster

I genuinely don't know how to deal with this

235 replies

KaleidoscopeEyes · 27/06/2019 01:17

I'm posting here for traffic.

I have a 22 year old daughter in Uni. She has a student loan as I'm in no position to support her financially, I work for minimum wage and things are beyond tight. She's going to be starting her second year soon.

I live with DP who has a daughter due to start uni in September. She lives with her mum and sees her dad and me often.

After she had been accepted for uni, her mum decided that she wasn't going to help dsd with the cost. She is a lawyer.

She has told dsd that she must say she lives with us so that we can advise student finance that we're both in low paid jobs and she can get financial assistance.

We've both had the email today for us to apply for the finance for dsd.

I can't do it. Firstly, it's fraud. Secondly, even if I did do it, and it was uncovered that we were lying, they might think I was lying when I applied for my own dd and take away her finance.

Wtf do we do?? Dsd has been in tears with her dad, he obviously doesn't want to scupper her chances, she has worked SO hard for this. But her mum is resolute, and I know she will not change her mind. I've been with DP for 8 years now, and I know who she is.

Does anyone have any advice please? I've name changed for this and I don't think I've left anything out. Thanks in advance if you can help.

OP posts:
PonderingPanda · 30/06/2019 15:29

No it's not and as the past wrongs can rear their ugly head at any moment, l wouldn't want to take the chance if my career was in law!

sevenoftwelve · 30/06/2019 17:11

Isn't she a bit old to be pulling the whiny "but everybody else's parents let them!"?

Seemstress · 30/06/2019 20:52

Had the same issue with DP's daughter when she started Uni 2 years ago. She lives with her mother who is married to a high earner and she herself works for the biggest IT company in the world as a Manager...not short of beans! I'm not married to my DP, I own my house outright and he rents somewhere nearby as the greedy cow refuses to buy him out of their FMH. The mother told my DSD to ask her dad to sign the finance forms saying she lived with him...she doesn't and never has and never would, as he earns way less than the married mother and her husband... I was totally against this, it's fraud and a lie and yet further manipulation of my DP who has put up with this sort of shit for years. DSD was also encouraged to apply for PIP by her mother, alleging severe mental health problems. I am just slightly uncomfortable with the whole situation but according to DAD, everyone who has separated parents does it ? is this the case ?

Seemstress · 30/06/2019 21:07

DSD not DAD !

modgepodge · 30/06/2019 23:12

Tbh yes I think it is the case. I’ve got friends who went to uni 15 years ago and did this. Morally I think it’s wrong, but I suspect student finance probably aren’t that interested, and I’d be amazed if anyone has ever been in any trouble for it. There really is an easy fix though, the child just needs to live with the poorer parent when they apply and then no one is actually lying. Once they’re at uni they won’t be living with either parent for most of the year anyway most likely.

thundermum · 01/07/2019 06:26

I did this when I was at uni (lied and said I lived with the poorer parent). I don’t really get the big deal... when parents divorce they’re both still financially responsible for a child. A child won’t be advantaged by living with the richer parent or vice versa (or certainly shouldn’t be if child maintenance works as it should!). So why on earth when a child goes to university does the student finance company suddenly get to decide that only the live-in parent will financially support them? Especially seeing as they’re now technically an adult. Why does the child maintenance company think both parents are financially responsible for a child but the student finance company think only the parent they lived with before university will be contributing?

Tbh, I think both your DH and his ex need to be supporting her still, as I’m sure both your ex and you are supporting your daughter. So whether they do that with minimal financial support or a bit more is surely an obvious decision?

Marmozet · 01/07/2019 06:51

Do not do this. I work in fraud and let me say you could easily be caught. Companies have databases that can easily trace living situations and would see that your step daughter hasn't had a living footprint at yours until the application had been submitted.

This is fraud by false misrepresentation which is a criminal offence. You'd be interviewed and your own daughters loan would be taken away.

You haven't done anything wrong it's the mother.

Dizzywizz · 02/07/2019 22:06

How did it go @KaleidoscopeEyes?

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 03/07/2019 07:38

Well. On Monday, I thought it was sorted. DP had told dsd the situation and her mum had said she could do it from her address. Obviously dsd would only get the minimum, but exw messaged DP and said they would go halves on the living expenses. All good.

So he went to see exw yesterday, and comes back with everything different again. She said she has called student finance and they've told her it's all perfectly fine.... All we have to do is pretend she's moved in Hmm

So we're back to square one. I've just finished a night shift, so when I get up later, he is going to call them himself and get the full story.

This is causing a massive rift between us. I'm sick to the back teeth of it all, truth be told. He thinks I'm stubbornly refusing to bend just for the sake of it, when actually I'm scared of breaking the law and risking my own daughter's finance and education. I think he's being really weak in not telling the exw to fuck off. I'm almost certain she's lying. If I'm wrong, then good. But I doubt it.

OP posts:
MummyToEthan · 03/07/2019 07:44

Stick to your guns! Actually I suggest when he calls it is on loud speaker and you both get to listen in. If they back up what DSD says (which I doubt) then ask for it in writing, this should then protect all of you should it be human error.

Like others here it doesn't make sense to me that SF would effectively suggest your DSD lie to qualify for a higher package. If DSD was really good that I think it's likely to have been a staff training issue.

BogglesGoggles · 03/07/2019 07:45

Is EW a solicitor or a barrister? Do you have written proof that she is asking you to do this? If she is a solicitor and you have evidence I would threaten to report her to the SRA for conspiracy to commit fraud.

CassianAndor · 03/07/2019 08:00

Up thread you say she’s a lawyer but then you said she’s studying law. Which is it?

bridgetreilly · 03/07/2019 08:02

Call student finance yourself, don't take her word for it. Explain your whole situation, including your daughter as well as DSD. Don't make decisions based on second-hand information.

RiddleyW · 03/07/2019 08:03

It’s the daughter studying law I think.

What precisely is the question on the form? Is there a definitions section?

Predicter · 03/07/2019 08:07

Your DD is already struggling at uni with no financial assistance from you, why should DSD who has financial assistance basically be given more money by you. If you lie it is you enabling her to receive that money. Like you said it could risk your DDs finance

Nanny0gg · 03/07/2019 08:07

@KaleidoscopeEyes
I assume the OP meant that her DSD is studying law

Original poster
KaleidoscopeEyes · 03/07/2019 08:08

@CassianAndor the exw is a lawyer. Dsd is going to uni to study law.

@BogglesGoggles I'm not sure. She's a prosecutor, that's all I know. She has been very careful not to put anything in writing with regards to her suggestions. It's all verbal.

@MummyToEthan I'm going to record the call on loudspeaker. PS I'm a mummy to Ethan too!

I really have to go to sleep now. I'm on another night shift tonight and I'm stressed to the max!

Thanks all. Will update as soon as there is anything to tell.

OP posts:
Herbert1234 · 03/07/2019 08:59

This was my situation. My parents earned more so I got the lowest amount of maintenance and then they would help then take that help away. I was studying veterinary medicine and had to get a job in bars and clubs. I literally worked 10pm-4am 4 days a week whilst on a course with the highest amount of contact time. It contributes to depression and in the end dropping out. When I went back to uni I went for estrangement as things were genuinely really bad and I hadn't spoken to them properly in years. I got given loads and it was a huge help. But they did then come back to me saying they'd overpaid the loan and the grant so be careful as student finance do tend to be utter fuck wits. Depending on the course though I would expect she's more than capable of getting a part time job to top up her money. Most people do, unless you're studying veterinary, medicine or dentistry. On the other hand I don't think they'd check up on you anyway. Just make sure there's a paper trail. Saying that, it is massively unethical.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/07/2019 09:00

God, this is tricky.

OrangeCinnamon · 03/07/2019 09:41

Just checking you have seen all the MSE stuff..It is likely that some contribution will still need to be made unless household income is less than 25k. I would use this to plan ahead for future costs on any case

blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2016/09/how-much-are-parents-supposed-to-give-their-children-when-they-go-to-university/

Fibbke · 03/07/2019 09:50

I don't see the problem here. Surely her dad is as responsible as her mum so does it really matter where she claims from?

BlueberryFool123 · 03/07/2019 09:53

Tell her Mother you will report her to her professional body (you say lawyer so it will depend on her actual profession (solicitors are for example SRA). She’s asking you to commit fraud - don’t do it.

Tabbycatlove · 03/07/2019 10:14

I wouldn't agree to the call to student finance, informing them you're thinking of doing this could risk your daughter's loan.

You need to put your daughter first, you're the only one who will. She needs that finance that she is absolutely entitled to in order to continue her course. If that were my daughter hell would freeze over before I'd let anyone, DH included, risk that.

Your DSD lives with her Mum who can afford to give her some financial support at uni. I'd tell your DP you'll support him making some financial contribution to her living costs, but only what's realistic from family finances when your other children's needs are taken in to account. Your DSD can do part time work to support herself too, at least in holidays depending on the demands of her law course and placements.

Stand firm, refuse to get involved in this call today or to sign anything. Her Mother is lying and I'd question whether your DP is telling you the full truth about their conversation either.

Imarriedmortenharket · 03/07/2019 10:26

The difference between the amounts she will get is about £4000. You say your DH pays maintenance. Is it around that figure? He could just continue to pay it but do so directly to his daughter to make up the shortfall caused by refusing to lie.

RiddleyW · 03/07/2019 10:27

I wouldn't agree to the call to student finance, informing them you're thinking of doing this could risk your daughter's loan.

Through what possible mechanism? This is bonkers! Of course calling them to clarify is sensible.

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