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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to feel that parenting is not something you can opt out of, even if you are ill

199 replies

naggynora · 26/06/2019 09:19

Hi All,
Name changed for this as may be outing.

Last week, my dp had his tonsils taken out. Now, I have read the literature and understand that although common, it is fairly awful to undergo as an adult. The recovery period can be extremely painful and being signed off work for 2-3 weeks is the norm.

However, since having it done 8 days ago, dp has spent the days sleeping in bed. We have 3 dc and he has barely seen them since his op. No mornings, no home from school/ nursery greetings, no bedtimes, nothing.

He is unable to wash even a dish. He then spends his nights awake in the bedroom, watching tv. He gets up about midday, maybe has a shower and attempts to eat/ drink before retiring to the bedroom to go back to sleep. This has been going on for 8 days now with no sign of let up.

Meanwhile, I am run ragged trying to cover everything. I am exhausted. I would love to speak to him about it yet he tells me it's too painful to speak and then runs off.

I am perfectly willing to accept that iambu yet all I can think about is the fact that in all my years of parenting, I have never had the opportunity to sleep in bed for 2 weeks when ill and do no parenting. I can only compare his op to giving birth as both involve tubes of some sort that need to heal. But I was straight into the fun of breastfeeding all day and night as soon as we got home from the hospital whilst taking care of 2 other dc.

Basically, I cannot understand pain so severe that u cannot do any parenting at all and that renders you to sleep most of the day yet still be deemed fit enough to be discharged from hospital. Aibu to still expect him to parent??

OP posts:
Angrybird123 · 26/06/2019 09:21

And yet mothers who have undergone days long labour, major abdominal surgery, prolapses and 3rd degree tears are expected to crack on almost immediately. YANBU. Have you asked him to start shifting himself?

MohairMenace · 26/06/2019 09:22

I’d be worried about him, that doesn’t sound right.

Readytogogogo · 26/06/2019 09:24

He sounds absolutely useless, sorry. I think you need to stop doing anything for him e.fg. if he wants a drink he gets it himself, if he wants to eat dinner he eats with the rest of the family. If he was illas he's making himself out to be then he should be back in hospital. Not even greeting his children is shameful.

Singlenotsingle · 26/06/2019 09:24

He's making the most of it. He must be due to go back to work soon, surely?

elliejjtiny · 26/06/2019 09:24

My dh is like this, it's really hard.

YouKidsKeepMeYoung · 26/06/2019 09:24

If he can be up all night watching tv, he can be up in the day with the children.
Don't ask him, tell him to pull his finger out of his arse.

alwaysthinkingofsleep · 26/06/2019 09:26

Our rule is if you can be awake to watch tv or faff on your phone, you are well enough to at least be in the same room as the kids supervising them.

Smilingthru · 26/06/2019 09:27

Feel ur pain. Me and DC1 had a 24hr bug. Literally no sleep for me as I was either vomiting or cleaning DC up from her vomiting. Was very ill but DH slept all night and went to work leaving me at home ill with a poorly DC1 and very unhappy teething baby. The next day he claims his hand hurts and so therefore lays on the sofa because he’s in too much pain to parent!! I’m still weak from bug and not eating but yet his hurting hand is worse?!

I will say something but right now I’m far too cross for a productive conversation x

Cath2907 · 26/06/2019 09:28

My DD had her tonsils out. to be honest for 3 days she genuinely couldn't cope with life. By then end of Day 7 we were enjoying a family holiday at Haven with only the occasional complaint of her sore throat. Tell him to get shifting!

yeahokright · 26/06/2019 09:29

He's taking the piss. Tell him to get his arse I'm gear.

BertrandRussell · 26/06/2019 09:31

If he is genuinely that ill he needs to see the doctor. Does he have a follow up appointment?

IsabellaLinton · 26/06/2019 09:31

I know how painful the recovery is - I’ve been there. But my DH was working away at the time, we had 3DC and I had to get on with it. No time in bed for me.

He’s taking the absolute piss. It’s totally unacceptable - he’s an adult with responsibilities and needs to be pitching in as soon as he physically can. There’s no excuse for sleeping all day and ignoring his children, and spend the nights completely unproductively. That’s ridiculously selfish and self-centred behaviour.

Does he not feel embarrassed? Does he not feel ashamed of not pulling his weight? Unbelievable.

naggynora · 26/06/2019 09:31

I feel vindicated just reading all your comments. Was beginning to feel like I was the problem and needed to show more empathy.
It's very hard to communicate with him right now as he is asleep! If I wake him, he starts gurning and making pain noises.
Having not had my tonsils out, I have no reference point for whether this was normalHmm

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/06/2019 09:32

He needs to get up or needs to seek medical advice.

naggynora · 26/06/2019 09:33

He's due back at work next week but I would not be surprised if he extended it

OP posts:
naggynora · 26/06/2019 09:34

On a side note, sorry for those of you that have had your tonsils out, but the stench is horrific. The bedroom smells like a graveyard. Nothing he can do about that but I'm itching to clean the entire house

OP posts:
KitKatCHA · 26/06/2019 09:34

I had mine removed as an adult (pre DC), after a week I was back in the pub! He's taking the piss.

Seeline · 26/06/2019 09:35

I have some sympathy. I had my tonsils out at 5 and over 40 years later still remember the pain. It was bad, and unavoidable (unlike the pain of the after effects of childbirth which I have been through twice, including episiotomy, tear and stitches) - every time you swallow, drink eat, or talk it's agony. I understand it is worse for adults.

It would be difficult to be in charge of children if you can't really talk/raise your voice.

Also the effects of a GA can take a while to wear off - I had an op in my late teens and honestly it took 2 weeks to get it out of my system. I just couldn't stop sleeping.

Singlebutmarried · 26/06/2019 09:36

My mum has her tonsils out and it floored her for over two weeks.

She really struggled to recover. She’s a ‘not sit still’ type as well.

It can be horrendous, but it does sound as though he needs to make the effort to get back into a normal routine.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 26/06/2019 09:37

Flowers OP. Sounds like you’re having a rough week!
It might be worth your dh getting a check up from the gp? Just that doesn’t seem a normal reaction to that surgery. I had minor surgery a few years ago (gallbladder removal) and was really unlucky with post op complications.
If it’s not a medical reason, then YANBU and he can start some light duties at home.

Seeline · 26/06/2019 09:37

but the stench is horrific.

THat doesn't sound right - are you sure he hasn't got an infection? Has he had any post-op checks? Maybe get him to the GP to check.

joyfullittlehippo · 26/06/2019 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

naggynora · 26/06/2019 09:37

@smilingthru

The phantom limb pain that takes precedence over everything...I hear you

OP posts:
MyOpinionIsValid · 26/06/2019 09:38

@naggynora - is he actully OK? or is he ill? becuse his behaviour doesnt sound 'normal;

WhyTho · 26/06/2019 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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