...to feel that parenting is not something you can opt out of, even if you are ill

[naggynora]

Hi All,
Name changed for this as may be outing.

Last week, my dp had his tonsils taken out. Now, I have read the literature and understand that although common, it is fairly awful to undergo as an adult. The recovery period can be extremely painful and being signed off work for 2-3 weeks is the norm.

However, since having it done 8 days ago, dp has spent the days sleeping in bed. We have 3 dc and he has barely seen them since his op. No mornings, no home from school/ nursery greetings, no bedtimes, nothing.

He is unable to wash even a dish. He then spends his nights awake in the bedroom, watching tv. He gets up about midday, maybe has a shower and attempts to eat/ drink before retiring to the bedroom to go back to sleep. This has been going on for 8 days now with no sign of let up.

Meanwhile, I am run ragged trying to cover everything. I am exhausted. I would love to speak to him about it yet he tells me it's too painful to speak and then runs off.

I am perfectly willing to accept that iambu yet all I can think about is the fact that in all my years of parenting, I have never had the opportunity to sleep in bed for 2 weeks when ill and do no parenting. I can only compare his op to giving birth as both involve tubes of some sort that need to heal. But I was straight into the fun of breastfeeding all day and night as soon as we got home from the hospital whilst taking care of 2 other dc.

Basically, I cannot understand pain so severe that u cannot do any parenting at all and that renders you to sleep most of the day yet still be deemed fit enough to be discharged from hospital. Aibu to still expect him to parent??

His throat is sore and he's a bit tired but his arms and legs are in perfect working order yes? So he is taking the piss. Also he wouldn't be so tired if he wasn't up all night watching TV. He is taking the piss.

I think he needs some help in resetting his body clock. Talk to him about that in a kind way.

Then he can sit and chat to a child or two in shifts at least, as he’ll be awake.

you won’t be kept in hospital, when they an adult at home able to take care of you.

Mere
I didn’t even have that after my second surgery... the one with the 25 cm x 15/20 cm mesh inserted to keep my guts inside from above my umbilica to pubis. Dh only stayed home the day after discharge because dd was unwell and couldn’t go to school. He left me with a bunch of ready made meals. I wasn’t able to drive for 6 weeks obvs.

Thanks all for the impetus to kick little butt. You're all right that he needs to see a dr one way or another.
Really helpful post @steppemum. You're absolutely right about him trying to establish normal routine and food patterns. At this rate, he definitely won't be ready for work in a week. Maybe that's what he hoping!

Ffs my mil had 3 limbs removed at the one time. They had her up moving around within 10 days post OP.

I know I couldn’t do anything the first week after I had my c-section, DP had to do everything. I felt utterly useless and even cried about how useless I felt but I couldn’t help it whatsoever. I physically could not move, I couldn’t get myself up out of bed without DP’s assistance or even onto or off the toilet . Felt awful being so helpless.

I haven’t had a tonsillectomy but did have tonsillitis constantly throughout my childhood, had quinsy at 16 as well and was hospitalised. When my DP got tonsillitis a few months ago I understood the pain he was in and implored him to get to bed and rest.

I think 8 days post op, he should be able to leave bed during the day for a short while though but I wouldn’t be expecting him to run around with the DC. He does need rest to heal.

If there's a genuine stench in the room he's in that is very concerning and suggests infection. Bits of your body (other than standard BO and unwashedness) generally smell only when they're rotting or infected.

I get you and I feel you, but I tend to agree with a PP that women can martyr themselves a bit and yes people should opt out of parenting as much as possible when they're genuinely ill so they can rest and recover. Both DH and I will go to bed when we're ill and the other one will pick up the slack. I do tend to still get up and do some parenting if I'm capable of doing it because I'm still breastfeeding, but if I'm not, well, I'm not and DH does it instead. Taking time off when you're genuinely sick is basic self care and many women need to do it a bit more often.

Whether in this specific case you are BU is very situation and detail dependent. Does your DH pull his weight at normal times? Does he have form for milking mild sickness? Is he able to speak and eat unless/until you ask him why he isn't helping? Is he getting out of bed and walking around at night? He could be being a useless arse, but (especially with the smell you mention) he could be genuinely very ill.

What I find weird about these sort of threads (sorry op but I've seen a few over the years about malinger partners exaggerating illness to opt out of family life) is that they don't even appear to miss their kids or feel any guilt!!

When I've been really poorly, I feel so guilty that I'm not as able to look after dd as usual. Tbh though as a single parent I have still always had to ensure her basic needs are met, if nothing else you can lie on the sofa with them while they watch kids tv!!

Unless it turns out he has a raging infection/sepsis yanbu op.

For all those asking if he's normally like this, yes and no.
Way back before we were together, he had an appalling record of taking sickies from work but he wasn't actually ill, just taking the pee. He grew up in a home where this was the norm.
I grew up in a home where the opposite occurred. Nobody missed work unless there really was no other way. If I was ill as a child, a neighbour would be round to watch me or I'd have to go to work with one of my parents.

Between us, we have a little balance I think. But I do wonder if old habits are emerging...

It does sound like he is taking the piss, but based on what you said about the awful stench I would be really worried about an infection having set in? Definitely try and see a doctor as soon as possible o check him over (and if he is exploiting the situation, the threat of seeing the doctor should be enough to give him a kick up the backside!).

I don’t know much about having your tonsils out but he shouldn’t still be feeling like this after so many days. I had a c-section and had a truly horrific ‘recovery’, but even in the pain I was in I was still able to do some basic things within a few days of my surgery.

steppemum
Yeh I had toast the morning after my op. It bloody hurt to swallow. By day 8 I was deffo not using painkillers - probably because I had followed the instructions. I think I took 2 weeks off university. So long ago. And I agree, I felt far better for not having very enlarged tonsil stone filled permanently infected things blocking up my throat.

To add op, remember we women may also have the inconvenience of having a bloody period when recovering. He doesn’t even have to contend with that.

He is totally milking it op. I had a double hip replacement, and still managed to do some parenting by day six. I was properly up and running, cooking etc by the end of the following week.

He needs to get up at the normal time, walk outside (his legs still work), bedroom aired and cleaned, and start building up his strength with some 'soft' food. Codeine does not stop you doing normal things, and I took it for a very long time pre op and parented normally.

Give him some jobs to do during the day that do not require speaking. Sorting out paperwork, putting a wash on, making some food. All of these things are achievable. He needs to start gearing up to go back to work, his company will be very unimpressed with an extended sick period due to tonsils!!!!

Time for some tough love.

If you have four dc then I can totally see why he might see this a golden opportunity to have a break, but that just is not fair if someone else is carrying the whole weight by themselves.

I would have him up and out this morning, no more lounging around. An afternoon nap is acceptable, but sleeping all day?!!

But I do wonder if old habits are emerging...

I would usually suspect this but...the stench. That isn't normal - a bit of bad breath, maybe, but a stench that fills a room? I would get it checked - if nothing else, call the consultant's secretary, describe how he's feeling and how he smells, and ask her to check if it sounds ok to the consultant.

He needs a doctor appt to check there is no infection and it’s healing well and then if so tough love and get him out for his sake

@naggynora but I just don't mean "sickies" what is he like as a husband and a dad? It's one thing having a history of letting down an employer, but it's another when it's your family. Is he hands on? Is he respectful? Does he do his share? Or is this very much in his character to think he's entitled to not do anything?

I second the dr visit. It could be serious if it is infected, and could be the answer as to why he feels so tired as well.

I would have done greenfingers list and also by now pointedly said as I drowned in childcare and washing I hope you’re taking note to carry absolutely everything for a week while I’m recovering from surgery one day. If I have surgery and you go to work instead of looking after us all I will chop your fingers and toes off slowly with a rusty spoon.

FWIW when DD had hers done days 7/8 were by far the most painful, from day 10 sure improved markedly reach day until she had a bleed on day 14 and ended up being blue lighted from our hospital to major trauma centre, so be careful of encouraging too much if he's not yet healed

And yet mothers who have undergone days long labour, major abdominal surgery, prolapses and 3rd degree tears are expected to crack on almost immediately.

Not necessarily. When I had my C-section, DP took care of everything. There is no way I would have expected him to just crack on with it when he had surgery. It was an incredibly stressful and difficult time for me, trying to continue working as I was about to take leave for my daughter’s surgery, combined with a particularly busy time at work. It was really difficult. I still never imposed on home to to anything for DD, he needed to recover.

Yes, you can take time of from parenting when you are ill. If you have a partner who doesn’t allow you to do that, your problems are bigger than one bout of illness.

Maybe call your GP?.My daughter had her tonsils out as a young adult and the recovery took a long time TBH,As Seeline says maybe an infection,However if he is able to stay up half the night watching TV he is not helping his recovery one bit!.Do you have family /friends to help you at all?.3 DC to look after plus a poorly adult is a lot for anyone !

As others have said, if he's well enough to watch telly all night he is well enough to be pulling at least some of his weight. He either goes to the doctor or gets a grip.
(I had my tonsils out in my early 20s. Three days later I was on a walking holiday in the Lakes, just being careful not to eat anything too crunchy.)

If you have a partner who doesn’t allow you to do that, your problems are bigger than one bout of illness.
I’m disabled and chronically ill. If my dh took time out to care for me he wouldn’t work. He took a week off after my first surgery but simply couldn’t after the second as he’d just started a new job having been made redundant from his previous one. He needed to earn money and pass his probation period to pay the mortgage as the only breadwinner.

So yes, our problems are far bigger. However I know you didn’t actually mean it in this sense as your comment is so incredibly naive.

If there's a genuine stench in the room he's in that is very concerning and suggests infection

THIS!

Why is there a stench?? That's not normal.

As pp said, he can't have it both ways where he's far too ill to do anything in the house but doesn't need to see a doctor.