...to feel that parenting is not something you can opt out of, even if you are ill

[naggynora]

Hi All,
Name changed for this as may be outing.

Last week, my dp had his tonsils taken out. Now, I have read the literature and understand that although common, it is fairly awful to undergo as an adult. The recovery period can be extremely painful and being signed off work for 2-3 weeks is the norm.

However, since having it done 8 days ago, dp has spent the days sleeping in bed. We have 3 dc and he has barely seen them since his op. No mornings, no home from school/ nursery greetings, no bedtimes, nothing.

He is unable to wash even a dish. He then spends his nights awake in the bedroom, watching tv. He gets up about midday, maybe has a shower and attempts to eat/ drink before retiring to the bedroom to go back to sleep. This has been going on for 8 days now with no sign of let up.

Meanwhile, I am run ragged trying to cover everything. I am exhausted. I would love to speak to him about it yet he tells me it's too painful to speak and then runs off.

I am perfectly willing to accept that iambu yet all I can think about is the fact that in all my years of parenting, I have never had the opportunity to sleep in bed for 2 weeks when ill and do no parenting. I can only compare his op to giving birth as both involve tubes of some sort that need to heal. But I was straight into the fun of breastfeeding all day and night as soon as we got home from the hospital whilst taking care of 2 other dc.

Basically, I cannot understand pain so severe that u cannot do any parenting at all and that renders you to sleep most of the day yet still be deemed fit enough to be discharged from hospital. Aibu to still expect him to parent??

I think I'm a little less enraged from when I first posted. Thankyou everybody for your comments.

I'm a little more open to the fact that he may have complications/ infection and be in need of treatment. However I haven't completely banished the thought that he may be taking the much and enjoying the opportunity to re-live his bachelorhood albeit with noisy children noises floating his way.

I guess time will tell on this one but my sympathy levels are diminishing quite rapidly, so who knows. Thankyou to all the posters who have shared their stories. I'm amazed by the strength of you lot.

When I last had a GA it wiped me out for over two weeks, constantly sleeping, also aided by the pain relief I may add.

My ENT consultant offered to take my tonsils out a couple of years ago, due to the amount of tonsillitis I’ve had. He warned me that it could be up to a 4 week recovery at most, as each individual recovers at a different rate, and that obviously adults have a far worse time than children. He then said as I’m on strong pain meds anyway (morphine etc), they wouldn’t be able to give me anything else, and as my body is used to the those meds, I may be in more pain than normal. I chickened out, opted for further bouts of tonsillitis!

So I know some people on here are almost saying they saved the world single handily by day 2, it really depends on the individual. However, I’m echoing what many others have said, if the smell is that bad, seriously get him checked out for infection, as that may well be the cause of him feeling so unwell, sleeping etc on top of the smell.

Although talking of tonsillitis, exdp (ds’s dad), had never had it before, but his sister had it frequently as a kid, up until her late 20’s. 5 months into our relationship, I woke one morning, to him still in bed, not gone to work, the sheets soaking wet, him shivering, very high temp, with a sore throat. So I phoned in sick for him, took him to the doctors, where tonsillitis was confirmed and antibiotics given. He spent two weeks sounding like a broke record ‘I feel so bad I took the piss out of sis, saying it was just a sore throat, I never never realised how unwell she was’. Almost 20 years later, and he still feelings like a twat for what he was saying almost 40 years ago!

“It's a hold your nose or you'll heave type aroma”

He really need to see the doctor. Urgently.

^I agree. This doesn't sound right.

Also, 2 things that need emphasising IMO - GA impacts everyone differently and can have you groggy and tired for up to 2 weeks after. Also, everyone heals differently. He may really be struggling and saying that someone else didn't isn't fair as each person's health level, personal immune system and pain tolerance differs.

Since he's normally quite hands on and when he's awake, he seems in pain, I'd be cutting him some slack.
If DH is ill, I'd rather he stayed out of the way than mope about the house. It's too easy for DCs to get too boisterous and bump whatever's healing.

It sounds as if he intends to get his full three weeks in bed.

Siil had her tonsillectomy last year and was back in work after a week! He is taking the piss for sure.

He doesn't sound well at all... and I would be insisting he goes to the doctors as may well have an infection or post-op complications.

I caught a nasty virus a year ago (and am still struggling with the aftereffects of it) and my husband could have written your initial post! I could get up for an hour or two but then just had to lie down. I could read on my laptop for periods but honestly felt dreadful.... and this went on for three months on and off.

The first month, the worst, I had few obvious symptoms and my husband barely offered me a cup of tea. It took me a while to get over how angry I was with him....

Noted @PumpkinPieAlibi. I think if I wasn't so tired I could rationalise this a little more.
Who knows how I would feel I. His shoes? I'm just assuming that I would be able to function at some level in the home. I may also find myself in a similar situation at some point in the future and have a thread written about me! Therefore, I shall tread carefully...

Thanks @lululatetotheparty for a glimpse on the side. What a horrible situation for you. 3 months is a long time to be suffering. I would and have offered drinks to dp. It's just that I hardly see him during the day.

We often think we would cope better.

But we have no idea

Just because some people found it a quick recovery, doesnt mean he is faking.

Just because some were really, doesnt mean he is really bad.

I agree he needs to see a doctor. my best friend stayed with me when she had hers done. I dont recall her room smelling at all. She was poorly for about 2 weeks.

I have also been on the other side when my husband had an eye injury and had to lie down flat for a couple of weeks... he called me Nurse Ratchet.... make of that what you will!!!

Given the smell- please don't just give it time: this sounds like something that needs to be seen URGENTLY. An untreated infection could result in sepsis and he could die while you are still trying to make your mind up as to how much childcare he should be doing.

If it was that bad and he was in that much pain, then surely he would have sought further treatment and would spend his days groaning. Tell him that you're concerned and have made him a drs appt (for 8.30am!). Does the operation make you feel weak or unwell? If so, then fair enough, but it sounds like he's being a lazy arse here!

Also at day 8 the GP prescribed dd (who had vomitous breath) difflam spray. She was still on back to back ibuprofen and paracetamol, but she would use the spray (which she HATED) before eating and drinking as being dehydrated was making her smell far far worse. Once she was able to eat and drink a bit her healing really sped up.

DD is incredibly stoic, was going to school with shingles aged 12 until I realised what it was and took her to the GP and she was genuinely utterly pole axed with the pain.

If you know anyone in France their strepsils are so much better than ours as have lidocaine in

OP- why are you ignoring people who are saying that he might be worryingly ill? Apart from anything else- if he gets the all clear from the doctor, you can kick his arse with a clear conscience.

I think YABU, but understandably so. I’m a woman and HAVE spent 2 weeks in bed which involved husband flexi-working and co-ordinating grandparents/help. I really couldn’t have parented as well. Likewise my DH has totally checked out due to serious illness too. I think maybe this is more the unfairness than the situation itself. So in that sense if he hasn’t ever cared for you when you needed it then I understand your frustrations.

Not tonsils, but last year I had an eye out. It was done on a Thursday and I stayed in hospital until the saturday, then spent Sunday resting and back to normal on monday. It hurt like hell so I just took all the pain relief I was allowed and got on with it.

A nasty smell doesn’t sound right though. I’d be getting him to a doctor for that.

@BertrandRussell. Definitely not ignoring. Taken on board and trying to get him an appointment. I say trying as they can't give me one yet.

@Ivestoppedreadingthenews
That's exactly it. He has never needed to care for me and if I am ill, I get on with it and he doesn't really notice. The only time I can think of that affected mobility was when I fractured my ankle whilst pregnant. I couldn't walk around freely but I was up in the morns as usual, sleeping through the night and still caring for the kids. I didn't get any nursing as dp was caring for the kids which is what I would expect

Your not being unreasonable. That's really tough on you. I've got tonsillitis now and been looking after my 5 month old 24/7. When DP was poorly he holed up in the spare room for three days. I often hear of dad's being able to opt out you're right

You're not * grr

I had my tonsils out in my early 30's and it knocked me for six i was off work for a month and lived on mash and gravy .Only had one DC then so wasn't as tough for me .I can't remember the horrible stench though that does make me wonder if your DH has an infection it impossible to say with not knowing your DH if he is milking it or is genuinely unwell 🤷‍♀️.I have had major surgery up and shuffling much to the shock of the nurses the next day and a badly broke ankle which i did the same on crutches but i am a bit of a tough nut takes a lot to slow me down .But we are all different.Good luck .

Yabu

I've had a few different surgeries over the past few years and recovery had always been longer and worse than I was told to expect.

The most recent one was hernia and I could not move for a week. So much for making sure I moved around to help recovery ... I couldn't move! And I ran out off painkillers as they didn't give me enough and I was in agony! And I have a great pain threshold!

if I am ill, I get on with it and he doesn't really notice.

Maybe you should consider not doing that, then. Seriously. If you are sick, go to bed and tell him you need him to take over with the kids/need toast and tea/meds/whatever. Not taking time for yourself when ill is pointless martyring and it doesn't make you better than people who take time "off".

When I had my tonsils out my MIL ended up moving in for a month as I was wrecked by it.

I’d rather give birth twice in a row with no painkillers than go through that again.

There was no escaping the pain. And it’s so easy to get in a a horrid circle because taking painkillers hurts so much, but not taking them is worse later.

The smell sounds like an infection if it’s that bad. It does smell bad normally but not that bad.

Siil had her tonsillectomy last year and was back in work after a week! He is taking the piss for sure.

Statements like that are just moronic imo.

I went back to work the day after I had my radius and ulna plated. Is everyone who doesn't do that taking the piss? Of course not, everyone recovers differently.

Taken on board and trying to get him an appointment. I say trying as they can't give me one yet.

Is there a walk-in centre nearby? They can at least decide whether it's something that needs treating urgently or can wait for the GP appointment. They can also prescribe antibiotics.