...to feel that parenting is not something you can opt out of, even if you are ill

[naggynora]

Hi All,
Name changed for this as may be outing.

Last week, my dp had his tonsils taken out. Now, I have read the literature and understand that although common, it is fairly awful to undergo as an adult. The recovery period can be extremely painful and being signed off work for 2-3 weeks is the norm.

However, since having it done 8 days ago, dp has spent the days sleeping in bed. We have 3 dc and he has barely seen them since his op. No mornings, no home from school/ nursery greetings, no bedtimes, nothing.

He is unable to wash even a dish. He then spends his nights awake in the bedroom, watching tv. He gets up about midday, maybe has a shower and attempts to eat/ drink before retiring to the bedroom to go back to sleep. This has been going on for 8 days now with no sign of let up.

Meanwhile, I am run ragged trying to cover everything. I am exhausted. I would love to speak to him about it yet he tells me it's too painful to speak and then runs off.

I am perfectly willing to accept that iambu yet all I can think about is the fact that in all my years of parenting, I have never had the opportunity to sleep in bed for 2 weeks when ill and do no parenting. I can only compare his op to giving birth as both involve tubes of some sort that need to heal. But I was straight into the fun of breastfeeding all day and night as soon as we got home from the hospital whilst taking care of 2 other dc.

Basically, I cannot understand pain so severe that u cannot do any parenting at all and that renders you to sleep most of the day yet still be deemed fit enough to be discharged from hospital. Aibu to still expect him to parent??

You need to find out as soon S you possibly can whether he is taking the piss or ill. You can’t decide anything til you know that.

I parented through acute tonsillitis on my own, it was bloody awful but what was I supposed to do, let my 9 month old look after himself? YANBU and your husband needs to pull his finger out.

Although it's sometimes a man thing to do,all this lying about and moaning when they have been in the wars so to speak,it needs checking out if he still hasn't recovered yet.

I had my tonsils and adenoids ripped out ! when I was 11 years old,but it wasn't long before I was back to school. But a man family member had tonsil removal way back when he was 40 plus,and he was seriously ill for ages afterwards,and was out of it for several weeks afterwards.He had long term blood loss from the operation,and had to stay in the hospital for ages after.

Thanks all. Very grateful for all the responses. Spoken to 111 and they've advised a&e so we're in the waiting room now.
I did have to laugh when she asked him if he could touch chin to chest. He said no he can't and she asked him why. He replied with cos my throat hurts, did you miss that bit?
He woke up an hour ago and since then, has had green saliva and wants to go to sleep again. Hopefully they'll get some fluids in him if anything. Anger fully dissipated now and feel like a meanie.

I had mine out as an adult and in comparison to the tonsillitis from three separate infective organisms recovery was a breeze! Your husband is being fucking ridiculous

Oops cross posted hope they can help him!

Glad he's being seen, sounds utterly miserable.

I'm not an expert, but green saliva does sound to me like there is infection of some sort. It's not a normal colour for healthy bodily fluids (except breastmilk!)

Hope your DH will be ok OP. Don't be hard on yourself. The watching tv at night bit made me go Hmmmm.

Siil had her tonsillectomy last year and was back in work after a week! He is taking the piss for sure.

Well she’s an idiot then. You should stay home for 2 weeks following the OP as it’s a big infection risk. My surgeon was utterly uncompromising about it.

Don't feel guilty OP.
My best friend was complaining about her DHs malingering cold - until he was rushed into hospital with pneumonia . Hope he gets the treatment he needs.

No need to feel mean, OP - he's the one who has been insisting he doesn't need to see a doctor. But green saliva and stench warrant a check up, which you have rightly insisted on.

He sounds really unwell.

I'm glad he's seeking medical help.

In all honesty, if they were at home, I'd expect my partner to pick up the slack and let me recover from a surgery without complaining. I'd also probably watch TV in bed during periods where I couldn't sleep. I don't think laying in bed watching TV requires the same amount of effort/wellness as caring for children does.

Dont feel guilty OP this thread directly led you to seeking the help he clearly needs because his response wasnt a normal one and is very much now looking likely to be a secondary infection he needs treatment for

I can speak from experience as I had my tonsils out as a young adult. The pain was severe and the worst thing was being unable to eat. I burst into tears in front of a McDonalds burger (!) my boyfriend had bought round for me, as after a week I was starving and just couldn't swallow anything!

I was really weak for the first 2 weeks in particular from memory, so I can understand if he's generally struggling and lethargic.

That said, I had my tonsils out when I was a lot younger, and can't imagine being in bed for a prolonged period now I have children.

Have you spoken to him about how he feels? I guess I'm trying to get my head around if he's ill and needs to go back to the dr, or if he's taking the piss (a bit!)

Re-reading the whole thread if he's historically used to pulling sickies for no real reason, he's going to feel like he's dying with what he's going through now!

It's only been 8 days. He may be really struggling. I had a tonsillectomy in my 20s and needed a month off work. For the first week I was barely able to walk from the sofa to bed (in a tiny flat), I was so faint from the pain and the strong painkillers, i had to crawl to the loo. I also vomited everything I ate for the first three days so I was extremely weak. I did however stay up half the night like your DH because it was FUCKING AGONY and I couldn't sleep. Thankfully my boyfriend was sympathetic and didn't make me feel like I was a slacker for not moving or washing or doing any jobs. I have had two c sections and despite getting infected post section the recovery was vastly, vastly easier (even with having significant internal damage with my first emergency section). There is no way I could have done anything close to housework or parenting even 8 days after the tonsillectomy. My DH also had the op as an adult and ended up in A&E due to severe infection and becoming dangerously dehydrated. Tonsillectomy can be brutal and factor in possible infection and it could make you very unwell.

My DH has a disability that sometimes means I have to bear all the load and may have to do so for some or all of the time for the rest of our lives. 8 days to let your DH recover doesn't seem that big an ask to me, though I do understand it's tiring.

It sounds awful poor man. I think would rather be in your shoes than his by the sound of it. I hope he recovers soon though for both your sakes.

Hope he makes a full recovery op!

This is why I gave my son antibiotics on the second day to prevent infection. It's ridiculous that they wait for signs of infection first with this op.
My son recovered well within a week at 11.
Tonsillitis is nasty and the additional problem that occurs doesn't help.
I thought your dp was milking it at first but if he has an infection he probably was unsure at the start and it feels similar to the op pain.

Maybe you should consider not doing that, then. Seriously. If you are sick, go to bed and tell him you need him to take over with the kids/need toast and tea/meds/whatever. Not taking time for yourself when ill is pointless martyring and it doesn't make you better than people who take time "off".

I agree with this to a certain extent. It would be ideal if your husband had realised you needed help, but don't soldier on if you're not up to it and he can help or take over.

My husband spent 17h asleep yesterday with a virus. Sleeping that much isn't something you can just choose to do because you're being lazy.

I’m glad he’s getting medical attention OP. He does sound really quite ill so I hope they’ve been able to suss out the problem.

I had my tonsils out last year, spent a few days high as a kite and then suffered for a couple of days before being pretty much back to normal the week after. I slept a lot but I also stayed awake late into the night because I knew that it would hurt more when I woke up after not drinking or having pain relief while I slept.

Hope he’s ok OP xx

I think some people are just not very good at dealing with pain.

I had my tonsils out at 24 and as soon as I came round from the anaesthetic and was back on the ward I got out of bed to ring my mum and her tell it was done and I was fine, the nurse then asked me if I wanted something to eat and it was a roast dinner which I had.

There were two ladies similar age to me in the next two beds and they were crying saying they were in pain, the nurses got cross with them and said the girl in the next bed has just had the same operation as you both and she’s not making a fuss and she eaten a roast dinner.

To be fair I had suffered with tonsillitis on and off for a long time so it was a welcome relief to have them out, but my brother had his out 2 years prior to me and he was in terrible pain.

Chuck him some pain killers and leave the kids home while you go out for the day. Fair enough he is in pain but that doesn't me he can be sleeping all day and relaxing watching telly all night long. He has a sore throat he isn't bloody paralysed. He is taking the piss out of you.