...to feel that parenting is not something you can opt out of, even if you are ill

[naggynora]

Hi All,
Name changed for this as may be outing.

Last week, my dp had his tonsils taken out. Now, I have read the literature and understand that although common, it is fairly awful to undergo as an adult. The recovery period can be extremely painful and being signed off work for 2-3 weeks is the norm.

However, since having it done 8 days ago, dp has spent the days sleeping in bed. We have 3 dc and he has barely seen them since his op. No mornings, no home from school/ nursery greetings, no bedtimes, nothing.

He is unable to wash even a dish. He then spends his nights awake in the bedroom, watching tv. He gets up about midday, maybe has a shower and attempts to eat/ drink before retiring to the bedroom to go back to sleep. This has been going on for 8 days now with no sign of let up.

Meanwhile, I am run ragged trying to cover everything. I am exhausted. I would love to speak to him about it yet he tells me it's too painful to speak and then runs off.

I am perfectly willing to accept that iambu yet all I can think about is the fact that in all my years of parenting, I have never had the opportunity to sleep in bed for 2 weeks when ill and do no parenting. I can only compare his op to giving birth as both involve tubes of some sort that need to heal. But I was straight into the fun of breastfeeding all day and night as soon as we got home from the hospital whilst taking care of 2 other dc.

Basically, I cannot understand pain so severe that u cannot do any parenting at all and that renders you to sleep most of the day yet still be deemed fit enough to be discharged from hospital. Aibu to still expect him to parent??

YANBU, but he might need it spelling out for him. Dont expect him to suddenly realise the error of his ways. His throat might hurt, but that doesnt stop him helping you were chores around the home or sticking some food in the over. I

I'd give him a list of things you need him to do whilst he's dossing around the house. Doesnt sound like he'll much like it but three kids is a lot of work, so its tough.

Thanks all. Some differing opinions which makes for interesting reading.

To answer a few questions...I think the stench is present due to an open wound and that when it scabs over, it will dissipate a little.

Normally, he's a very hands on dad and will cook, clean run around for the dc. He does this happily but he does it with prompts! He would quite happily leave the house a mess, take the easiest option or not see dirt if left to own devices.

If would happily sleep the day away under normal circumstances but again, difficult childhood led to some unhelpful habits forming. I wake him most days but him being ill and on painkillers has led to me leaving him to sleep as he appears to be in a lot of pain when awake

There's an easy solution to him not being able to talk when you need to have a serious chat - give him a pen and paper!

I think the posts about children recovering post-op are different - children do tend to bounce back after surgery, adults do not. I'm a get up and get on with it type, but I've had a few general anaesthetics in the last few years and they absolutely wipe me out. The last one I couldn't stay awake for more than 10 minutes for 2 weeks, and had to take another week off work, whereas i'd only reluctantly taken the prescribed two off initially. When I started work again I was exhausted after even a quiet day. I came off painkillers fairly early so mine wasn't drugs. Healing and GAs take it out of you.

The bit that makes he think he is BU is that he seems to have shown zero interest in his children. I don't have kids but I can't imagine not wanting to at least go and be in the company of my children and family, even if for only short bursts before I fell back asleep. I stayed with parents for my recovery, and I'd get up and go sit with them, even if I zonked back off. I did end up keeping odd hours but I had enough sense not to do anything but try to rest at night, otherwise I was making my recovery and getting back to normal harder. He doesn't sound like he's trying to help himself, and that sounds like manchild territory.

If I'm ill, he doesn't really notice unless I spell it out to him. As much as it pains me to admit, I do think he's naturally lazy yet having verbal reminders from people masks that somewhat

Doctor sounds a good idea. I spent 3 weeks napping after an op because the anaesthetic knocked me badly but it was a 5hr op

I just read a bit about it and it says that 8 days is the usual period of full-on pain but people will be very tired for around 2 weeks total.

It's really hard to say because we don't know how ill he is.

My mum had a very minor OP recently and had a general and she was really not well for about 2 weeks after, the general knocked her for 6 and she is normally a push through the pain type person.

A friend had her tonsils out, shes an ENT Dr and she was rough for about 10 days. Really not well, again took 2-3 weeks to recover! She seemed to think this was normal and she's an ent Dr so I would think she would know

It's perfectly possible that your DH is just recovering from surgery and I like to think if it were the other way round I would want my partner to cut me some slack, let me rest and recover.

However it's also possible has taking the piss of course.

I don't think saying "mothers have to push trhough" is relevant, mothers if there is another parent shouldn't have to push through, they should equally be allowed to rest, it shouldn't be a case of we have it shit so I'll make it shit for you too, more we should both be allowed to rest.

sometimes want to cry when i get poorly and think ,but my routines cant change becasue if i dont do them shit will hit the fan as no other bugger can/will do it for me!

DD1 had her tonsils out a couple of years ago and was back to work after 3 days (self employed). I think if you have no choice you force yourself to get on with things.

I agree @kateandme. That's what floored me. That a very common operation such as this would be so debilitating and surely most people just have to get on with it.

Saying that, many of the posters have given me a little insight into their own personal experiences of having tonsils out and I can see that it's not as clear cut as I thought.

Trying to book an appointment for him while he's asleep. He'll be overjoyed I'm sure!

If he has form for this, I'd be thinking he was taking the piss. He could at least make an effort.

OP I think scabs should have formed already? If there is an open wound that stinks, I would get it checked.

Has he been on antibiotics? Is he still on them?

No antibiotics @Tawdrylocalbrouhaha. Purely painkillers. The smell has been pretty much the same since after the op. It hasn't worsened. It's a hold your nose or you'll heave type aroma. Maybe he just has smelly tonsils!!!

I think scabs should have formed by now too.

I really think he needs a trip to the GP.

If he's that ill, he should definitely be open to going to the doctors to get it checked out. The smell definitely doesn't sound right but if he's watching TV all night and sleeping all day, sounds to me that he's wanting to make the most of it and chill out, and by doing a reverse shift pattern type thing, conveniently avoids seeing the DC.

9 days after a C-section with DC2 I was handling all childcare during the week for him and older DD. I was exhausted and in pain but just had to manage. I think women are hard as nails in comparison to most men.

I had 12 days off school when I had my tonsils and adenoids out. I remember a lot of pain for the first few days but sure I was improving by day 8.

I had a pretty good recovery from my tonsillectomy but I know from what I read about it at the time that not everyone does. It does really hurt a few days in, I think from days 3 to 9 if I remember correctly, because there's so much bruising. I was still able to function round the house but we didn't have kids then so there was a lot less to be done.

Having said that, "stench" does not sound normal. Really. If he's in a lot of pain and it stinks I'd say he needs to go back and have the site looked at.

Sorry, I see that everyone's said that since I first looked at the thread

Honestly, even an open wound should not smell if it is clean. (And I agree with PP that I would have expected it to scab by now anyway.) A bad-smelling wound is generally a bad sign.

I think it is fair, as PP say, to say that either he is well enough to start doing some things or he needs to see a doctor.

“It's a hold your nose or you'll heave type aroma”

He really need to see the doctor. Urgently.

Well antibiotics aren't routinely prescribed anymore (after the hospital) but that does mean any signs of potential infection need to be checked, in case a course is needed. Check his temp too, they will want that when you call.

Btw, to ask the obvious, is he brushing his teeth as usual? No sinus infections?

Removal of tonsils is a very straightforward operation. My 4 yr old was up and around the day after, i had them out at 20 and was fine.

There shouldn't be a smell and that sounds like infection. He needs to go to the GP .

Yes definitely see the doctors because that will sort out whether there is an infection and he is honestly feeling that bad he needs medical attention

Or he needs to get his act together

Brushing his teeth religiously @Tawdrylocalbrouhaha . He saids the bad breath is the thing that actually wakes him!
No sinus issues that I know of and he uses a prescribed mouthwash they gave him.

Just to say, having had experience of both, I’d have 2 back to back sections sooner than having my tonsils out again.

It was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced and the recovery took 3 full weeks. I got an infection afterwards too.

After 8 days I was still crying most of the day.

I lost a stone in 2 weeks because I couldn’t eat.

All ‘normal’ according to the doctor.