...to feel that parenting is not something you can opt out of, even if you are ill

[naggynora]

Hi All,
Name changed for this as may be outing.

Last week, my dp had his tonsils taken out. Now, I have read the literature and understand that although common, it is fairly awful to undergo as an adult. The recovery period can be extremely painful and being signed off work for 2-3 weeks is the norm.

However, since having it done 8 days ago, dp has spent the days sleeping in bed. We have 3 dc and he has barely seen them since his op. No mornings, no home from school/ nursery greetings, no bedtimes, nothing.

He is unable to wash even a dish. He then spends his nights awake in the bedroom, watching tv. He gets up about midday, maybe has a shower and attempts to eat/ drink before retiring to the bedroom to go back to sleep. This has been going on for 8 days now with no sign of let up.

Meanwhile, I am run ragged trying to cover everything. I am exhausted. I would love to speak to him about it yet he tells me it's too painful to speak and then runs off.

I am perfectly willing to accept that iambu yet all I can think about is the fact that in all my years of parenting, I have never had the opportunity to sleep in bed for 2 weeks when ill and do no parenting. I can only compare his op to giving birth as both involve tubes of some sort that need to heal. But I was straight into the fun of breastfeeding all day and night as soon as we got home from the hospital whilst taking care of 2 other dc.

Basically, I cannot understand pain so severe that u cannot do any parenting at all and that renders you to sleep most of the day yet still be deemed fit enough to be discharged from hospital. Aibu to still expect him to parent??

The room smells bad because he's not airing it, not washing and sleeping in dirty bed-linen? Or because his throat/he smells post-op? If the latter, that's not normal and he should seek medical advice - he may have an infection.

If there is a stench then perhaps he has an infection because I don't think there should be a smell.

I suggested seeing the doctor but he is adamant that he doesn't need to. Check up is over 2 weeks away. He said the dr warned him that his breath would probably have the power to kill for 2 weeks. I can confirm that it does!

He is definitely milking it if he can watch TV all night, but the smell is not normal. Either way, he needs a doctor's appointment and he can start coming down for meals. Tell him he needs to get back into the household routine.

If he’s still feeling really ill and there’s a bad smell that can’t be attributed to his hygiene then he needs to see the doctor. Then kick his arse into gear if he gets the all clear.

I vividly remember lying on the floor, with raging tonsillitis, a very high temp, vomiting into a bucket while my 4 year old tried to keep my 2 year old from damaging himself and the house. No chance of any help from anyone.
Not even the GP who insisted it was viral.
After 6 weeks and much begging (I lost nearly a stone) they grudgingly took a swab and I was eventually treated for a serious strep infection.
Mothers are always expected to just get on with it.

Are you sure he does not have an infection (also with the stench)? Does he pull his weight under normal circumstances? If my husband said he was too ill to look after our daughter, I would believe him (and be very worried!), because he is not the type to shirk his responsibilities. If your partner is the same, I don't see why you would doubt him and YABU. Of course you cannot "opt out" of parenting, but a parent is human and can be too ill to parent.

Stench thing doesn't sound right, sounds like infection. Dispatch him to the GP pronto.

@WhyTho
I take your point and agree with consensual opting out. Holidays are different as you're not physically present but to be in the house and not present is just plain weird to me.

Something is wrong, OP! There should be no stench!

I had my tonsils out as an adult and yes, it was painful, but after a couple of days I was up and about, pretty much as normal. Get him seen in case there is something festering somewhere in the wound.

A quick Google says bad breath is normal until the operation scars fall off and feeling exhausted for 1to 2 weeks post surgery is normal, so your dh, at 8 days post surgery is still well within that time frame. YABI

@Fyette

He's always dramatic when he's ill yet instanced have been few and far between so not something I can have necessarily. We're different in how we cope with illness. I'm always loathe to pull a sickie where he will quite happily

OP I sympathise with you, but going against the grain of this thread, I had my tonsils out two years ago as an adult and it was the most painful recovery I’ve experienced (even after two children). Day 8-10 is actually the worst, still on strong painkillers which make you drowsy and the pain has shifted to the ears as well as throat. There’s also a heightened risk of haemorrhage on day 10 of you’ve not managed to eat and drink normally.

I understand it’s frustrating for you but it is only temporary, he should perk up after day 10. I guess he is watching telly all night because he’s resting all day and not sleepy by the night.

Surely while you waited for the operation date to come through you both read up on the recovery period and must have known it’s not an easy op to recover from and therefore you’ve made some contingency for this? You’re doing a great job and try to cut corners where you can ie shower the kids instead of baths, bedtime story all together rather than separately, easy dinners that you can freeze and eat the leftovers another day etc.

By this time next week he should definitely be feeling well enough to be pulling his weight a bit more.

Thanks @Woody68

My first iambu! An alternate view to ponder...

@naggynora - then I would also be more inclined to distrust! Try and see if you can talk to him, and otherwise say / threaten to have your mum over for a few days because you can't manage on your own anymore. That would get mine moving.

There's a few people on the thread reporting awful misery after having their tonsils out, though, so I'd still keep an eye on him.

Appreciate your thoughts @1wokeuplikethis.
Yes, we did look at the surgery info but like anything, it lists the worst case scenarios.
However, as we all know, despite feeling like a bulldozer has run over you, most of us just have to get on with it, even when suffering severe pain because we don't have the luxury of alternatives. My point, I think, is that he feels he does. Is this a good thing? I have no idea!

I had mine out as an adult but before I had kids. It was pretty horrific for the first week but I could talk/interact with my parents/watch short periods of telly. I couldn’t really eat and did sleep a lot as the painkillers were very strong.

After that point I was fine. I was told not to go out and about in case I picked up an infection but I was back to eating/drinking normally and doing stuff around the house.

He isn't opting out though he is recovering being a parent doesn't mean you have to crawl about looking after children just because nobody gets a medal for being a martyr.

Yeah sorry OP but you won’t like this either: I am the most hand-on mother but up to ten days after I had my tonsils out I couldn’t lift a finger, partially due to pain and partially due to being high as a kite on codeine. My husband had to work, cook, clean, look after our 1 and 4 year old and if he had got cross with me or moaned at me to get better after when i was so poorly it would have really damaged our marriage. That’s the sickness and in health part I’m afraid.

I feel a bit sorry for him get so bashed on this thread and being none the wiser while he feels so unwell.

I like your thinking @Fyette. Although it could backfire. He may not come out of the bedroom at all!

Yea, I have to say, you are letting him take the piss. Tell him to grow up and stop acting like a baby. He had his tonsils taken out! Big deal! My ds had his tesicle operated on, I am sure more painful then tonsils out and he was up and moving within a day (with his legs wide apart and we kept telling him to take it easy etc). He was given call for the pain and after 48 hours no longer needed the calpol. Also, many women give birth and have trauma, tears, c sections etc and then expected to look after the newborn straight away with no rest in between.....remind your dh of this and you should also give him kick up the butt to spring him back to action!!!!!!!!

Whilst I appreciate how difficult this is for you. I feel YABU. Your DH is ill, and if it was me in this situation I’d be doing everything to make sure he was comfortable. It’s a really shitty draining operation. I know it’s hard but surely he would do the same for you? Do you have any family that could help out in the meantime if you’re struggling?

I’m in tow minds about it.
On one side, I agree that he should be asking the time to rest and recover. I also believe that WOMEN should take the time to recover Dom giving birth/illnesses etc... and should do the same and just stay in bed (and expect their partner to step up and take in the full parenting/house responsibilities).

On the other, doing it all on your own is hard and no you can’t just decide to give up your parental responsibilities because you are a bit unwell.
The comment from the OP about him staying up all night says it all. He COULD get up and help if he wanted and had a proper night of sleep. But he is choosing instead to do what he wants (time to watch tv, sleep until whatever etc...) regardless of the impact it has on the other family members. That would annoy me a hell of a lot because it’s not that he is needing time to recover and can’t do anyth8ng at all. He could if he wanted to (even if it’s much less than usual etc..)

I don’t know the answer to be honest as my son had his out and it was the most painful and horrendous experience to go through. For the first 8 days, he was in absolute agony. It’s described as a common procedure but my god the healing process is harsh.

Of course parenting is something you can opt out of if you have the ability and need to do so.

That doesn't mean your husband isn't taking the piss - however the bad smell coupled with the extremes of behaviour I would be ensuring he went for a check up.