...to feel that parenting is not something you can opt out of, even if you are ill

[naggynora]

Hi All,
Name changed for this as may be outing.

Last week, my dp had his tonsils taken out. Now, I have read the literature and understand that although common, it is fairly awful to undergo as an adult. The recovery period can be extremely painful and being signed off work for 2-3 weeks is the norm.

However, since having it done 8 days ago, dp has spent the days sleeping in bed. We have 3 dc and he has barely seen them since his op. No mornings, no home from school/ nursery greetings, no bedtimes, nothing.

He is unable to wash even a dish. He then spends his nights awake in the bedroom, watching tv. He gets up about midday, maybe has a shower and attempts to eat/ drink before retiring to the bedroom to go back to sleep. This has been going on for 8 days now with no sign of let up.

Meanwhile, I am run ragged trying to cover everything. I am exhausted. I would love to speak to him about it yet he tells me it's too painful to speak and then runs off.

I am perfectly willing to accept that iambu yet all I can think about is the fact that in all my years of parenting, I have never had the opportunity to sleep in bed for 2 weeks when ill and do no parenting. I can only compare his op to giving birth as both involve tubes of some sort that need to heal. But I was straight into the fun of breastfeeding all day and night as soon as we got home from the hospital whilst taking care of 2 other dc.

Basically, I cannot understand pain so severe that u cannot do any parenting at all and that renders you to sleep most of the day yet still be deemed fit enough to be discharged from hospital. Aibu to still expect him to parent??

A question for those who had a very hard time with tonsils

Did you stay up all night watching Tv? Or were you in bed, sleeping or dozing off due to painkillers all the time?

Of the OP’s DH has been sleeping all day an all night, dozing because of high painkillers etc.. I wouod totally understand.
I dint understand the staying up all night (so he isn’t high on painkillers that make him sleepy) and then he, of course, sleeps all day. That would make me think he is milking it tbh.

Thanks all for your opinions so far. Really helpful for me.
to all those you have been through it and come out the other side.

I'll definitively be more proactive with convincing him to see his doctor. Better to rule out any post surgery complications ASAP.

I had my tonsils out as a young adult and unless there’s something wrong he’s seriously taking the piss.

I also had major abdominal surgery last year and a scar longer than 8 inches and another large surgery at the beginning of the year to repair the whole thing as it hernia’d. I’m nowhere near recovered now and along with that am also chronically ill and disabled.

Despite my very debilitated state, I was able to do very very basic things like my dds hair for a dance exam a week after my first and more difficult surgery. I imagine I was using much stronger pain killers than your dh, which helped loads but even so.....

Either your dh has an infection or he’s taking the piss. Seeing a gp today is very important so you can get clarification. I think you should not give him the option tbh.

@ComeAndDance

You've perfectly described my confusion. Why do the painkillers not seem to work at night??

Also if he doesn’t want to go and see the GP, does it also mean that he actually knows he isn't that bad after all?

Echo the advice off PP to see the GP if there’s a bad smell or he has a high temp. My son had a high temp after the op and ended up with AB as he had developed an infection.

I am currently here with a very bad back, dh went back to work for 2 weeks this morning and I have to finish moving house and clean the house we are leaving all with 2 dc who are now on their summer holidays...no opt out here

If he’s up all night then he needs to be more hands on as that’s taking the absolute piss out of you. Let him deal with nights if he’s up and you go to sleep.

Thanks @Mummyoflittledragon.
That sounds extremely difficult and definitely puts things into perspective.
I'm sorry you've had such a tough time.

Why is it women need to look after men as if they were children and convince them to go and see the GP to rule out complications etc...??

God, sometimes I wish that men would act like adults instead and take some responsibility p, at least for themselves and their own health.

He isn’t opting out though he is recovering being a parent doesn’t mean you have to crawl about looking after children just because nobody gets a medal for being a martyr.

Op is on her knees. She’s the only one crawling about. I could say the same to her about martyring herself. He needs to lighten the load even if it’s just for half an hour 3 times a day.

Either he goes to the doctor or he starts parenting again. One or t'other.

Basically, I cannot understand pain so severe that u cannot do any parenting at all and that renders you to sleep most of the day yet still be deemed fit enough to be discharged from hospital. Really? If you've got painkillers and there's no active nursing to be done, you won't be kept in hospital, when there's an adult at home able to take care of you.

naggy
Yeh it does, doesn’t it just?!!

Not a chance would I allow my DH to do this. I didn't get to after my c section so....

But I suppose it depends on how he is when you are poorly OP?

Is he in pain? The thing with tonsils is that they start to clear up but then about a week later the gross white stuff falls off so it suddenly becomes more painful again, so it's not a case of getting better the further away you get, you relapse a bit. That said that doesn't mean he should get a free pass, do you know how he's feeling? Is this out of character for him? Is he usually very hands on? If it was my DH I wouldn't hold it against him as I know he'd only be like that if he was in genuine pain, he's very hands on, but if you know your DH is prone to laziness then I would challenge him on it.

Hm, my adult dd had her tonsils out last summer, and came to stay with us for two weeks to recover. She was certainly tired, and needed regular pain relief for a week (only paracetamol and ibuprofen, nothing stronger), but she was up and dressed on her first post op day, took short walks round the block a couple of times a day from day 2, had a bit of a siesta most afternoon for a week or so, but was clearly getting better on a day by day basis. Had a bit of a long lie most days, but was always up and dressed by 9am. And she certainly didn’t smell - in fact that was one of the first things we noticed, that the smell from the yucky tonsils was gone. She said she actually felt well for the first time in ages, and found her post op recovery a breeze compared to the chronic tonsillitis she’d had. Having said all that, she’s a veteran of many surgeries, so knew what to expect. I’d be worried by the degree of pain, the smell, and the fact he still seems to be struggling to eat and drink, which are essentially to help the tonsil beds heal.

I agree @ComeAndDance. I find it galling that I now have 4 children! Yet, others would disagree and say that this is part and parcel of a committed relationship.
It just feels a little unequal when most women would have to be half dead before leaving others to pick up the slack. It may b about own guilt mechanisms that drive this or it may be because women don't feel they can whilst men always know the slack will be picked up so can rest easy

I had mine out as an adult.
for a couple of days I felt rough, and my throat was sore, then I felt actually loads better than I did before (chronic tinsilitis)

He needs to

1. eat and drink properly - 'trying' to eat after 8 days is frankly pathetic. Your throat heals better when the muscles are forced to move and be used, ie to swallow. They used to give kids toast when they first woke up in hospital for this reason. No soups and ice cream, he needs to stop being a baby and eat food.
2. he needs to manage his painkillers properly if her is in pain. Paracetamol is plenty for post tonsil pain, take every 4 hours while awake. But after 8 days he shoudln't need this more!
3. He needs to sleep and wake at normal times, rest at the proper time for his body's natural cycle is better than dozing half the day away.
4. fresh air and exercise to get him going.

Please feel free to tell him he is being a baby, and if he is THAT BAD, then he should return to hospital as something is clearly wrong.

I had my tonsils out when ds1 was 6months old. I had one night in hospital then I was back to looking after him including breast feeding so no strong painkillers. I slept when he slept and I relied on family and friends to take him for walks to settle him but otherwise I was parenting.
It's rare I have to stop parenting due to illness, when I had an operation that landed me on bed rest for several weeks I still read the DC's bedtime stories, brushed their hair, gave instructions to them etc from my bed.

Would it be possible for him to recover somewhere else - at the IL's perhaps? It would still mean that you're doing the childcare single-handed, but it'd mean you wouldn't have to clean up after him as well.

I would push him to see the doctor sooner. I had my tonsils out at 23 and had an awful time. I was told the opposite, there shouldn't be any smell and if there was, to go to a&e straight away. I ended up having to do this due to smell and had a horrific infection, which explained why I hadn't been recovering as quickly as I was meant to have been and why I'd felt so ill and down (which sounds a bit like your DH). They said if it had been left any longer I would have needed irrigation and I ended up being signed off for 7 weeks in total as docs wouldn't sign me back on until they were happy it had completely gone - get him to the docs before he gets signed off for as long as that and you're left without help for just as long. If he refuses, maybe try calling the doc out?

@MereDintofPandiculation
Yet those who do stay in hospital post surgery ( heart operations, cancer) are encouraged to move around the next day, no matter how much pain you're in.

If he won't engage or talk, write him a note along the lines of:

"If you're well enough to watch TV all night, you're well enough to help me with the children. Our children.

If you don't need to see a doctor, you are well enough to help me with the children,.

If you are not well enough to help me with the children, you have to go and see a doctor.

My sympathy has run out. I'm exhausted."

Good luck!

Strip the bed off and move the tv for 'dusting'. He'll have no option but to sit elsewhere downstairs. I've done this with my DH. The mattress conveniently needed 'airing' so had to come off the bed and be propped up against a wall for the day.