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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse to give someone a lift because of their weight?

295 replies

EmmaGrundyForPM · 25/06/2019 22:23

Someone I know is struggling to get to a hospital appointment. They dont qualify for hospital transport. We live rurally so public transport is limited.

I work near the hospital and they have strongly hinted that they would really appreciate a lift there. Normally I would be happy to offer. However, this person is very overweight. I dont know exactly how much he weighs but I know it's over 30 stone. I'm concerned about whether my car can take the weight. But maybe it can? I don't want to refuse if it wont damage my car.

WIBU to make an excuse to not give a lift?

OP posts:
Pa1oma · 26/06/2019 12:33

Well how does he normally get from A to B OP - eg the shops? Taxis? Have you tried asking him? Surely he doesn’t just stay in all this time?

EAIOU · 26/06/2019 12:34

Have you posted about this before and getting them up a hill? This thread reads familiar

FightingForSMsEverywhere · 26/06/2019 12:35

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codemonkey · 26/06/2019 12:36

'Sorry, fatso. You're way too chunky to get in my car. I'm not having it scraping on the ground when I'm going round corners'.

Let us know how that goes Hmm

codemonkey · 26/06/2019 12:38

There's a separate load limit for the boot

Will that take 30 stone? Pop him in there if so.

needsomesleepy · 26/06/2019 12:41

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Celticdawn5 · 26/06/2019 12:49

I don’t think you are unreasonable not to offer a lift and i’d Just as concerned about possible damage to my car having given a lift to someone heavy and it’s the weight in one area that is the problem but I’d be even more concerned that once I’d given one lift then it would be even harder to refuse another time and there have been plenty of threads on mumsnet about people who have found their goodwill being tested by CF’s and in my experience you can tie yourself up in knots with guilt over something like this but invariably the person wanting a favour sort themselves out if you do not offer. They just want the easiest option for themselves.

CynthiaRothrock · 26/06/2019 12:51

Forgive me not rtft but 30st in one seat is completely different to 30st spread out. My sil i 26st i have 2 door peguot if she gets in the front (she physically Cant get in the back) my car tilts. This has àn effect in the suspension, breaking distance, acceleration and i can't change ger safely. This is a safety issue.

5foot5 · 26/06/2019 13:03

My car is quite sturdy but also quite old

Speaking as someone who had their old car's suspension break underneath them quite recently I would be reluctant.

For the record I am not overweight (well maybe a teeny bit) but the car was old so I guess it was wear and tear. But - it is not an experience I would like to repeat and would advise not to risk it

ginnybag · 26/06/2019 13:05

It's an awfully awkward situation, but I can see why you're concerned.

I'd be wary, OP, I've got to be honest. We have a friend who is a similar size, from the sounds of things, and, like others, we have had damage (expensive damage!) on a couple of occasions to our car from giving lifts to them. That's aside from the fact that it really does noticeably affect the handling and steering. DH refused to drive on a motorway with them after the first lift; my sister said the same after she gave one, and she was driving much newer and much bigger car than we have.

They got their own car a while ago. Friend can't drive; partner works away a lot so it gets used max 1 x per week. They've been replacing seats/shocks/wheel bearings etc on the front passenger side on a six monthly basis since they got it. Its flagged a fail on all three MOT's so far for some major component in that area. Partner has admitted he's been told it's the excess weight that's the cause by their mechanic.

Cars are tough, yes, but they're designed for average weights. Bear in mind that a very tall 6'3" man is considered obese at around 17 stone, and that 15 stone is more normal 'heavy bloke' weight, there's no reasonable way that the car (or any car) was built with these sorts of weight in mind for a single passenger. It's a mass that's pretty much twice what would have been envisaged by the designers. Generally speaking, mechanical systems don't generally cope well being run 40 - 50% above their design tolerance, and it is a risk that things will fail, especially on an older car, where components may be coming to end of life anyway.

They haven't asked, OP, and I wouldn't offer.

Al203 · 26/06/2019 13:08

if you live rurally, isn’t there a local farmer who could help with a cattle transporter or something?

mintich · 26/06/2019 13:11

To be fair to you, a large person broke my car! It was back when I had a fiat punto, I drove up a hill and it was struggling where it normally wouldn't the cam belt then snapped and damaged the engine!

Whosorrynow · 26/06/2019 13:17

Even if public transport was available a 30 stone person is going to struggle to get on a bus or a train surely?

PeoniesarePink · 26/06/2019 13:18

I'm pretty sure that ambulance transport would be available for someone that size. In the form of specialist bariatric type.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/06/2019 13:19

I cant see how worrying about possible damage to my car makes me fat phobic

Just in itself, it doesn't

But on Mumsnet it doesn't matter how genuine your concerns might be or how carefully you phrase the remarks ... you simply can't ever mention obesity without a mass howl of outrage

EmmaGrundyForPM · 26/06/2019 13:50

*Are you usually such a nasty judgemental twat of a person?

Get over yourself and offer a lift like you know you should.*

@ChequerBoard did you mean to be so rude?

To clarify:
This is an acquaintance not a friend.

He hasn't asked me so I haven't had to refuse as such, but he has dropped lots of hints.
He weighs more than 30 stone. I don't know how much more and wouldn't dream of asking but in a conversation a little while ago he told me that he was hoping for an operation but had been told the surgeon wouldnt operate on someone over 30 stone so that ruled him out.
We live rurally and it will cost him a lot of money to get a taxi to the hospital. I work very near the hospital so could easily give him a lift.
I am not making any judgement about his weight other than concern for my car. It's a 13 year old Toyota Estate and fairly sturdy but I really cant afford for it be damaged.

I'm sorry that my question seems to have offended so many people. I really don't see why though.

And I dont get the references about a hill. I ts really flat round here.

OP posts:
ChequerBoard · 26/06/2019 14:03

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carla1983 · 26/06/2019 14:10

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CoffeeMilkNoSugar · 26/06/2019 14:13

Fatphobic. Grin

No such thing. There is no such thing as fatphobia. There is only fat consequence.

needsomesleepy · 26/06/2019 14:14

@ChequerBoard

You are the one with the attitude.

chickennoodledoodle · 26/06/2019 14:27

I'm a car upholsterer & have repaired many a seat bolster & foams. You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. I have about 3 or 4 regular customers who I see twice a year who are obese & need the seat foams repairing. Not to mention the fixing points that hold the cover to their seat foam.

The noise their suspension makes when they're getting out of the car has to be heard to be believed. The average cost of repairing such a seat is around £220.

My customers know why their seat has broken & we usually just make a joke about it.

As a one off you might be ok - might - but I wouldn't risk it unless it was life or death tbh.

chickennoodledoodle · 26/06/2019 14:35

Just to add - & this has only ever happened once in my personal experience - but a guy who could barely get behind the wheel of the car sat back quite heavily and actually broke the metal attachments holding the foam in position. The car was less than 5 years old! That was a complicated repair and very costly.

I make no judgements on being overweight, I am also overweight but I've seen the damage caused by overweight people in cars.

koolaider · 26/06/2019 14:46

I'd take him in my Land Rover as long as he sat in the back to distribute weight. It has air suspension and adjusts itself to uneven loads. It's 16 yrs old but sturdy and reliable.

I also have a Toyota Aygo and although it's only a few years old it would be a no because he wouldn't be able to fit on the back seats and that amount of weight on one side at the front would be dangerous. There are other people on the road to consider and if there was an accident and he was too big for the car, how would that pan out?

I do feel for him though and hope he manages to get his weight under control but you are definitely not being unreasonable or fatphobic!!

1forAll74 · 26/06/2019 14:54

This overweight person might not be able to get in the car without a lot of struggle, it usually takes skilled people who are used to helping obese persons with mobility issues.

A 30 stone person would not be able to get in my small car, but its not the weight I would bother about, it would be the persons comfort I would worry about.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 26/06/2019 15:06

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