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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I've upset ExHs GF

378 replies

WanderYonder · 25/06/2019 17:47

TL:DR I bought a card for my ex on behalf of our son and it's upset ex's Gf.

Been separated for 3 years, divorce being finalised any day now. He lives with his GF nearly 2 hours away, DC stays with them every other weekend.

In Sainsbury's a couple of weekends ago with DC (7) and he spotted a blank card with a picture on the front that was a play on his dad's name. Hard to explain, but it wouldn't be amusing to anyone not called by Ex's name (and wasn't that funny anyway but, being 7, to DC it was hilarious).

DC asked to get it for his dad, so we did; and he wrote a little message inside and drew a picture. Ex came to collect last Friday for the weekend and DC gave him the card, all giggly. Ex did appropriate laughy reaction, said thank you, told him he'd keep it by his bed with a picture DC had drawn for him recently. Thought no more of it.

This afternoon I've had an email from Ex, which is unusual because usually we communicate via text. Very formal, and says that he would appreciate it if I refrained from purchasing any more cards for him in the future because his GF "finds it a bit inappropriate". I immediately replied and said I hadn't got him anything; the card was from his son. Got back: "Yes but we agreed a couple of years ago that GF would purchase all gifts and cards on DCs behalf for Father's Day, birthdays etc. so I think GF felt that this wasn't quite sticking to that arrangement".

I feel completely 'Wtaf' about this but I'm in a baaaad mood today anyway and I have a habit of instinctively reacting to things and then calming down and realising I might have misread the situation. So, in the spirit of trying to rein myself in just in case this is one of those times, please tell me if iabu? I'd particularly like to hear from anyone who is with someone else's ex. I've never been in that situation and I don't know, maybe this was wrong somehow?! And if I'm not BU to feel Hmm about this, what do I respond with?

Have nc'd because I'd rather this wasn't linked with my usual name.

OP posts:
MyOpinionIsValid · 25/06/2019 17:49

GF is bonkers, sorry, but she is.

This was an ad hoc present chosen by child for his father, nothing to do with her.

regmover · 25/06/2019 17:49

Don't be so fucking stupid, I'm his mum, obviously I'm going to help him buy you things.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/06/2019 17:50

Your ex and his girlfriend are being fucking ridiculous. She's clearly unhinged.

Figure8 · 25/06/2019 17:51

Dear lord, they are being sensitive. You were acting as a mother, not a partner- ex or otherwise.

MrsBertBibby · 25/06/2019 17:51

Bloody hell, you're not in the least unreasonable, and he is a KNOB not to be delighted with his card.

Famiky Solicitor, separated mum, also step mum.

Sunshine93 · 25/06/2019 17:51

I don't think YABU. I don't get why she is offended when it's something that as clearly chosen by his son. If it was a Valentine's card maybe

I am not in the position she is but maybe of she can't cope with him having any kind of relationship with you she needs to find a partner who is not divorced with children.

Celtic1hair · 25/06/2019 17:52

How strange! Maybe just a polite reply pointing out that it is in your child's best interest not to completely segregate his relationships with each parent, and that in the spirit of co-parenting these little acts are hugely beneficial for your child. Then ask him to consider whose feelings are more important in such situations.... His DP or your DC?

YouTheCat · 25/06/2019 17:52

You respond with 'Your son bought it. Is that still a problem?'

He sounds like a right miserable shit.

Duchessgummybuns · 25/06/2019 17:52

Oh dear, GF’s insecurity is showing.

Don’t say anything, just ignore. If your DC wants to buy a card for his dad in future let him.

KM99 · 25/06/2019 17:53

She needs to grow up, he's being a wimp. Write back and ask what your DS is supposed to do next time he wants to do something spontaneous for his Father? Sit and wait for GF to show up?

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 25/06/2019 17:54

Surely GF whilst might be currently permanent, she’s not actually tied into DS (marriage or long term GF)so forcing that relationship into buying on his behalf is strange....

You are just buying something your son asked for, as if it was pocket money - why is your ExH trying to deny his son that small pleasure. The fact his GF got jealous and petty isn’t your Son or your issue, it’s hers.

clola · 25/06/2019 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrayingandHoping · 25/06/2019 17:55

I would suggest then that his girlfriend give your son a float of money so if he ever sees anything that HE would like to buy his father when she is it present he can and it therefore be nothing to do with you.

Sunshine93 · 25/06/2019 17:55

Reply with what Celtic1hair said

And continue to buy him such things as and when your son wants to. He can do with them what he wishes but it shouldn't be you having to refuse your son that pleasure.

5greenflowers · 25/06/2019 17:55

She's clearly very threatened by you, I'd find it amusing rather than anything else to be honest.

Bluestitch · 25/06/2019 17:56

Sounds like he was fine with the card until his GF intervened. He's pathetic for putting her childishness ahead of his son.

MrsBertBibby · 25/06/2019 17:56

If my step sons see something they want to give either parent when we are out, I help them get it (within reason, obviously!) Hell, if I've got a mate's kids in tow I'll help them buy treats or funnies for their parents. It's so important to give children's capacity to give exercise. Unless you want them to have a shit life.

Figgygal · 25/06/2019 17:56

Yep I would go back and say your son bought it all you did was give him the money because it was important to him.

He should also note your son wrote in it and gave it to him so in what way was it from you?

breakfastpizza · 25/06/2019 17:57

LOL that they are trying to get you to care about his GFs "feelings". His problem to manage, not yours. Continue as you were.

MrsTommyBanks · 25/06/2019 17:57

GF is beyond bat shit.
What a ridiculous over reaction and controlling attitude for her to take.

PettyContractor · 25/06/2019 17:57

They're not getting that it really wasn't your idea. The GF thinks you did something nice for ex via son. Usually, where the child is seven, this would be the right conclusion.

Notverygrownup · 25/06/2019 17:58

YANBU

we agreed a couple of years ago that GF would purchase all gifts and cards on DCs behalf for Father's Day, birthdays etc. Yes, we agreed that when ds was 5. He's now 7 and is old enough to buy things for you sometimes. Are you seriously suggesting that he is not allowed to buy anything if I am in the same shop at the same time?

Cherrysoup · 25/06/2019 17:58

Tell your ex he's a twat. What a ridiculous over reaction. He was clearly pleased to get it when ds gave it to him but once gf has seen it, she's kicked off. Do give over! I bet she wrote the email and he's all awkward and inbetween a rock and a hard place trying to appease her stupidity.

RandomMess · 25/06/2019 17:58

"DS is 7 he saw, he wanted to get for you so he did"

Waveysnail · 25/06/2019 17:59

Is there a weird backstory to.this