I've upset ExHs GF

[WanderYonder]

TL:DR I bought a card for my ex on behalf of our son and it's upset ex's Gf.

Been separated for 3 years, divorce being finalised any day now. He lives with his GF nearly 2 hours away, DC stays with them every other weekend.

In Sainsbury's a couple of weekends ago with DC (7) and he spotted a blank card with a picture on the front that was a play on his dad's name. Hard to explain, but it wouldn't be amusing to anyone not called by Ex's name (and wasn't that funny anyway but, being 7, to DC it was hilarious).

DC asked to get it for his dad, so we did; and he wrote a little message inside and drew a picture. Ex came to collect last Friday for the weekend and DC gave him the card, all giggly. Ex did appropriate laughy reaction, said thank you, told him he'd keep it by his bed with a picture DC had drawn for him recently. Thought no more of it.

This afternoon I've had an email from Ex, which is unusual because usually we communicate via text. Very formal, and says that he would appreciate it if I refrained from purchasing any more cards for him in the future because his GF "finds it a bit inappropriate". I immediately replied and said I hadn't got him anything; the card was from his son. Got back: "Yes but we agreed a couple of years ago that GF would purchase all gifts and cards on DCs behalf for Father's Day, birthdays etc. so I think GF felt that this wasn't quite sticking to that arrangement".

I feel completely 'Wtaf' about this but I'm in a baaaad mood today anyway and I have a habit of instinctively reacting to things and then calming down and realising I might have misread the situation. So, in the spirit of trying to rein myself in just in case this is one of those times, please tell me if iabu? I'd particularly like to hear from anyone who is with someone else's ex. I've never been in that situation and I don't know, maybe this was wrong somehow?! And if I'm not BU to feel about this, what do I respond with?

Have nc'd because I'd rather this wasn't linked with my usual name.

Probably best to rise above it. Youve said your bit. Don't give him more headspace. She sounds like a dick so watch out for more attempts to fuck up your ds's relationship with his dad. Is it usually a good relationship?

Fucking hell. For Father's Day recently I bought the boyfriend a card and present for his daughter (we went out and picked it together). Then spent all week fretting that I'd overstepped the boundaries and that his ex would be put out

I think you did .

YANBU. I'd reply with "perhaps your GF would like to explain to DS why he cannot buy a card for his father without her in his presence ... Or maybe she wouldn't, because then DS would know what a flaming idiot she is too."

She is batshit. I applaud you for keeping a civil relationship with your ex for the sake of your child, such as that card -that's worth it's weight in gold.

@WanderYonder I've had an unanimous YANBU before and that was when the same OW bought my then husband (we weren't divorced and I was on my knees with the whole thing) a private plate for his car which was basically set out as a shortened version of his name plus hers, her son's and OUR son's initials. Thereby demonstrating to me that she was the most important person in ex-h's life and DS was at the bottom of her food chain. He remains thus.

You really can't reason with women like that. I hope she's an ex soon because this will escalate, mark my words

Tell him I'm the mother of your children if they wish to buy you a gift why should I object?
Perhaps you and your girlfriend should have a conversation with the children and explain why they are not allowed to buy gifts unless they are chosen and approved by your girlfriend

Ultimately it's not worth falling out over but I do think it should be made clear you are still their mother she may marry him even have kids with him she will never be their mother

Can’t stop laughing at this suggestion. Brilliant 🤣

Bloody hell. Ex and his gf are being totally U

HRTFT because I can't believe that you agreed to the whole GF would purchase all gifts and cards on DCs behalf for Father's Day, birthdays etc. thing. How controlling and weird.

This 🤣🤣🤣🤣

poster RightYesButNo
Get an “In Sympathy” card. Inside write,
“Ex,
So sorry to hear about the loss of your spine. It must comfort you to know it’s now in heaven. With your balls.
(No) Regrets,
WanderYonder”

I have to agree with the people who've pointed out how cheeky she's being, too. You and your ex had a baby together, because you were married. That child is your son, not hers. It's absolutely none of her fucking business how you negotiate that son's relationships with his father, because whether she likes it or not, having a child with someone, and co-parenting, is a lifelong tie. Her relationship with your ex is none of your business, and as long as she isn't unkind or hostile, or try to usurp the maternal role, her own relationship with your son isn't, either. But this really is usurping the child's right to manage his own relationship with his father, as he likes and as he sees fit.

The GF is bonkers
My DD’s chose me a heart shaped dish for mother’s day years ago and I laughed at ex having to buy me a heart shaped gift 😂

I think I would reply and say, ‘ maybe you should read what you’ve just wrote and think about it because it’s fucking batshit crazy lol!’

'I'm sure if GF had been in the shop with DS when he saw she would have bought it when he asked but if she's feeling uncomfortable she can send me the cost of it. Would that help her feelings?'

Don't, but I would be tempted to.

Assuming the girlfriend is still around when the DC are in their twenties and thirties, is she still going to insist that she buys the cards and presents on their behalf?! Not only is she clearly very insecure but she also sounds really controlling.

It hasn't got anything to do with being the Mother of the child or who's currently dating the ex it's about the dc.

My dp at Christmas spent his own money buying a gift for my exh because ds 14 said his df would like it. We were Xmas shopping.

Ds came up to be and said ' dp just bought me a gift for my dad, I don't think I would be that nice. '
Ds was happy, his dad is non the wiser. Really quite simple.

She's nuts. Just feel sorry for her because it must be awful living with that level of insecurity.
My ex has got a son, never occurred to me to buy cards or gifts on his behalf until I realised it wasn't something his mum facilitated so I did it to make the boy happy when he had something to give to his dad.
I help my own son pick stuff for his dad, he's not got a batshit crazy girlfriend thank god so it all falls into my to do list.
In both cases the most important thing to me was not adult relationship politics or my feelings but making little boys happy and teaching them how to be generous.
She needs to grow up and he needs a backbone. Sorry you're having to deal with such nonsense op.

Were you previously informed that only the GF could buy things from your son for Fathers Day?
If the GF is still around in 2020, will your ex-H have to buy her a card on Mother's Day 'from' your son...?
Total nut job.

Remember those massive, MASSIVE cards we used to be able to get ?? I've not seen them for years but they were easily the height of a small child.

I'd be turning up with one of those fucker's next week. Complete with a poster sized, family photo of you all.

The woman's disgusting. And if your ex is too thick to realise his partner is trying to phase his son out of his life then he's a fucking moron as well.

She's a weirdo and he's a docile twat.

So sad to see how insecure done women are they feel in need to control everything. Sad that their partner can't see how control they are.

No point rising to it, he can't see how she's got him wrap around her finger.

Do they have children?

The GF sounds insecure and XH sounds a wimp for putting her silly demands ahead of his child's lovely gesture. I would reply telling him that you'd do the same again; it was something your son asked for on impulse, wanting to show his dad how much he loves him, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Just reply with a ] “ don’t be a weirdo, it’s a blank card DS saw”.

End of.

Tell her to fuck off. She's a tit.