I've upset ExHs GF

[WanderYonder]

TL:DR I bought a card for my ex on behalf of our son and it's upset ex's Gf.

Been separated for 3 years, divorce being finalised any day now. He lives with his GF nearly 2 hours away, DC stays with them every other weekend.

In Sainsbury's a couple of weekends ago with DC (7) and he spotted a blank card with a picture on the front that was a play on his dad's name. Hard to explain, but it wouldn't be amusing to anyone not called by Ex's name (and wasn't that funny anyway but, being 7, to DC it was hilarious).

DC asked to get it for his dad, so we did; and he wrote a little message inside and drew a picture. Ex came to collect last Friday for the weekend and DC gave him the card, all giggly. Ex did appropriate laughy reaction, said thank you, told him he'd keep it by his bed with a picture DC had drawn for him recently. Thought no more of it.

This afternoon I've had an email from Ex, which is unusual because usually we communicate via text. Very formal, and says that he would appreciate it if I refrained from purchasing any more cards for him in the future because his GF "finds it a bit inappropriate". I immediately replied and said I hadn't got him anything; the card was from his son. Got back: "Yes but we agreed a couple of years ago that GF would purchase all gifts and cards on DCs behalf for Father's Day, birthdays etc. so I think GF felt that this wasn't quite sticking to that arrangement".

I feel completely 'Wtaf' about this but I'm in a baaaad mood today anyway and I have a habit of instinctively reacting to things and then calming down and realising I might have misread the situation. So, in the spirit of trying to rein myself in just in case this is one of those times, please tell me if iabu? I'd particularly like to hear from anyone who is with someone else's ex. I've never been in that situation and I don't know, maybe this was wrong somehow?! And if I'm not BU to feel about this, what do I respond with?

Have nc'd because I'd rather this wasn't linked with my usual name.

I'd send him a link to the Samaritans. He's going to need that if he keeps going in that relationship.

As always - your problem isn’t the partner.

The problem is your ex with whom you are co-parenting and who pathetic.

But you’re not going to change a damn thing. Only create tension. So make yourself a cup of tea, have a chuckle about his crazy current gf and move on

Interesting that many people have said it's odd that she buys his birthday and father's day gifts... It's become normal to us. Started after they moved in together. We'd been separated a year or so and were perfectly amicable. Ex had left most of his stuff in my garage and spare room. Because he was moving to a larger place and I was sick of looking at it I boxed a load of it up and in the course of doing so discovered some things that indicated (didn't prove) that he'd cheated on me whilst together (not with GF although I do think there was definitely some overlap! That's just conjecture though...)

It really shook me up because we'd been together for nearly 20 years; he was, at that point, the only partner I'd ever had; and I felt like such a massive fucking mug. I made a bit of a scene when he collected his things and one of the things I told him was that I couldn't bring myself to shop for his upcoming birthday with DC when he was such a massive wanker. He said "That's fine, GF will do it with him". And so she has, ever since. It's also meant that he doesn't take DC to get anything for mother's day or my birthday, which I'm sure he's just fine with because he's tighter than a gnat's arse.

I've enjoyed not having the responsibility for it to be honest. But I don't think that that extends to refusing DC buying a card or gift for his dad just simply because he wants to. He doesn't know anything about our relationship beyond the fact we didn't work well together but we're still friends and love him very much etc. What's really infuriating is ex spends 4 days a month with DC, I do the lion's share of parenting alone, but I don't think DC has ever thought to write me a funny card! He's an ungrateful twat.

Very entertaining thread OP hope it’s cheered you up

Perhaps invite the GF to come to sainsbo every weekend with you in case of unexpected purchasing opportunities that she could step in for. She could push the trolley whilst you waft fragrantly in front squeezing avocados and testing numerous varieties at the cheese counter

Xpost sorry. If it’s not cheered you up hopefully it was cathartic

Batshit. With a tick in it.

What's really infuriating is ex spends 4 days a month with DC, I do the lion's share of parenting alone, but I don't think DC has ever thought to write me a funny card

Probably because ex or his GF won't let your DC or facilitate it (as you did for your DC).

I'don't reiterate it was from his son and probably have to make some snide remark about GF''s daddy issues. That is weirdly prescriptive.

Haha I've just realised that it sounds like I'm calling DC an ungrateful twat. I did mean ex, honest DC takes after me. He is wonderful

OP, if she was really invested in your child, she'd be encouraging ex-DH to have a much better contact arrangement. Instead, she's controlling contact between you, your ex and your son. She is going to try and phase your son out. Believe me, I know this, I am living it. My ex-h's OW has bought a house 400 miles away and did this right in the middle of our court case regarding contact...which he only applied for because she was embarrassed when somebody found out he didn't see DS (his choice) and she has a "reputation" to uphold. So they started shouting "parental alienation" and made a big old fuss knowing that they would never have to carry on an inconvenient contact arrangement for more than a couple of years. Some people are weak arseholes (our ex's) and some women are controlling, insecure, jealous bitches. You've made your point clear, he now looks like the twat he is and I would be asking for this "arrangement" to end given your DS is old enough to be making his own decisions. It's fuckwittery at its very best.

Sorry everybody, I've had a right old rant on here tonight. Just a subject that REALLY pisses me off. I need wine.

@Proteinshakesandtears

exhs girlfriend seems obsessed with stalking my Instagram recently

Completely unrelated to this thread, can you actually tell who’s been looking at your Instagram? I might have done a teensy bit of stalking perusing in my time...

As for OP, yeah, what they said: insecure, controlling, and your child is old enough now to know what to get daddy.

I’d like to know how this agreement came about in the first place and why you accepted it.

On that note, I’ll say a thank you to my husband’s ex-wife who took great pains for years and years to ensure their son not only recognised all important Dad days with a card and/or gift, but purchased gifts and cards for his younger half-siblings (ours) as well. She must have spent a fair bit, and I’m not even sure my husband understands how difficult that might have been for her to do that.

Their son is an adult now (just) but I think I’m actually going to write her a thank you card for her thoughtfulness.

So there isn’t actually an agreement, is there? It just happened that way as you don’t wish to buy your ex presents. Understandable when he cheated with at least 2 women.

Your ds is allowed to get stuff for his father with his pocket money. In future I’d give your ds some money and get him to pay separately. That way there can be no ridiculous rants or confusion.

Completely unrelated to this thread, can you actually tell who’s been looking at your Instagram? I might have done a teensy bit ofstalkingperusing in my time...

Only because, every so often, she will like a really old photo. Clearly scrolling right through my past.

But in general, no you cant tell.

She sounds unhinged.

I'm a step mother and

Sorry! Posted too soon.

I'm a step mother and wouldn't give it a second thought if DSC came here with a card for her dad. I would hazard a guess that the GF is feeling a bit insecure for some reason.

I would hazard a guess that the GF is feeling a bit insecure for some reason

Yep, that'll be the "overlap". Seems to be a common occurrence this...cheat with somebody and then spend the whole of your relationship controlling everything because you know you're not really that special after all

Your child is excited to have chosen his dad's birthday card. Your ex and his girlfriend should be happy that he wanted to do so. Instead the girlfriend is marking her territory at your son's expense. She's irrational. You need to have a word with the girlfriend so she sees there's nothing to worry about. She needs to love what your son did for his Dad rather than make him feel as if he's done something wrong.
Do you think if you had a word with her she might see the error of her ways?
Also, your ex needs to grow a pair.

Sorry OP, just caught up with the bit where you explained how you entered into this gift-buying agreement. That sucks.

See, this is what happens when one is trying to RTFT but feels an urgent need to post—tricky on a mobile, without taking notes and usernames.

@WanderYonder It's also meant that he doesn't take DC to get anything for mother's day or my birthday, which I'm sure he's just fine with because he's tighter than a gnat's arse.

I have just laughed until my tummy hurt. Great thread. GF is unhinged. What a drama llama. If I were you I'd offer your DC the opportunity to pick up little cards / postcards / gifts (from tat to interesting magazines your ex may well like) any and every time he fancies. And then he can post them to his dad, write him one worded letters until their house on Privet Drive becomes like that of the Dursley's and the owl post.

What a couple of CFs.

My DC forced my STBXH to stop at a service station on Mother's Day this year so they could buy me a bunch of flowers. Each. STBXH didn't stretch to a card (fortunately DP organised that....) but apparently my youngest put his foot down, and their faces as they gave the flowers to me were just beaming. It absolutely makes a difference when these little humans are given independence of choice in gifting to their loved ones.

I would text back, "Don't be so bloody ridiculous."

She is totally bonkers and yanbu at all

V. insecure behaviour from the GF as others have said. I'm with someone's ex (who he has a child with). She (his ex) buys pressies from their DD for birthdays and Father's Day and I think has done Valentines day in the past when their daughter wanted to get her dad a card for that (she was 6 or 7 at the time). I've never thought anything much of it as the cards/pressies are obviously from the daughter. The only time it's bothered me was when they've remembered Father's Day and I've forgotten, which obviously makes me look a bit shit. But that's hardly their fault!

I do think others are right in that a lot of her insecurity will stem from the "overlap" in the relationship if there was one. There's no reason to feel insecure normally if the ex was genuinely an ex when they met (if you see what I mean). She sounds threatened and jealous to have kicked off about something so insignificant.

Looking at this from the child's point of view - he's too old now for the GF to do the shopping, he will want to buy his own things when he sees them. The arrangement needs to change. No need to slag her off, whatever you think about her.

They’re a pair of idiots.