I've upset ExHs GF

[WanderYonder]

TL:DR I bought a card for my ex on behalf of our son and it's upset ex's Gf.

Been separated for 3 years, divorce being finalised any day now. He lives with his GF nearly 2 hours away, DC stays with them every other weekend.

In Sainsbury's a couple of weekends ago with DC (7) and he spotted a blank card with a picture on the front that was a play on his dad's name. Hard to explain, but it wouldn't be amusing to anyone not called by Ex's name (and wasn't that funny anyway but, being 7, to DC it was hilarious).

DC asked to get it for his dad, so we did; and he wrote a little message inside and drew a picture. Ex came to collect last Friday for the weekend and DC gave him the card, all giggly. Ex did appropriate laughy reaction, said thank you, told him he'd keep it by his bed with a picture DC had drawn for him recently. Thought no more of it.

This afternoon I've had an email from Ex, which is unusual because usually we communicate via text. Very formal, and says that he would appreciate it if I refrained from purchasing any more cards for him in the future because his GF "finds it a bit inappropriate". I immediately replied and said I hadn't got him anything; the card was from his son. Got back: "Yes but we agreed a couple of years ago that GF would purchase all gifts and cards on DCs behalf for Father's Day, birthdays etc. so I think GF felt that this wasn't quite sticking to that arrangement".

I feel completely 'Wtaf' about this but I'm in a baaaad mood today anyway and I have a habit of instinctively reacting to things and then calming down and realising I might have misread the situation. So, in the spirit of trying to rein myself in just in case this is one of those times, please tell me if iabu? I'd particularly like to hear from anyone who is with someone else's ex. I've never been in that situation and I don't know, maybe this was wrong somehow?! And if I'm not BU to feel about this, what do I respond with?

Have nc'd because I'd rather this wasn't linked with my usual name.

Oh my goodness, this woman is potentially toxic to your sons relationship with his dad! She needs to woman up or GTF, seriously.
I’d be putting it on your ex to explain to you EXACTLY how he would like you to word it when you have to explain to your son in future why he may not buy a silly token for his dad, in a way that doesn’t make the pair of them sound like juvenile arseholes and upset the poor boy. Tough one. Make it his problem.
Failing that, completely ignore the diktat and make it his problem to hide gifts from his son in future, if he’s so scared of her indoors going batshit .

You are not being unreasonable at all. Your Ex and GF are mad mad mad. Continue to buy cards and gifts at your sons request - you are teaching your son how to behave and be nice.

I would have just invoiced her for the card. She sounds unhinged enough that she’d probably have paid you.

She sounds so insecure and jealous.

She was the motive behind his email, I imagine he wasn't arsed at all

The GF is clearly bonkers and feels threatened by you. Your response was excellent. In fact you need to tell him that as your DS gets older he will wish to purchase his own cards and gifts for him and that no-one needs to facilitate this any more.

Sounds like he doesn't agree with her reaction, but he's doing it to keep the peace. Having a go at him about it would probably add to the bollockings he's already had from her.

Can I suggest that if DS wants to give him - or her - something, you stick to stuff that's handmade and 85% loose glitter from now on?

No buying of presents, cards or gifts necessary - and DS can spend his money on Haribo and Yu-Gi-Oh cards with a clear conscience whilst you envisage Glittergeddon on their living room carpet.

Was there a row over the decision two years ago or something? I mean, what led to that being a formal agreement, in terms of presents from your son?

If there's no difficult history there, and she's just flipping out that she isn't controlling your son's relationship with his father (and not being allowed to totally scrub you from the picture, too) then bluntly I think that's disturbing. It isn't healthy that she won't accept that her fiance has had a past, and it won't evaporate at her whim.

Perhaps that's unfair and they are having a fight over other stuff, and this got dragged in and they're making a meal of it in consequence. But on the face of it, it's just weird.

I’d have to reply with

Don’t be so bloody ridiculous
I will not say no to our child when he randomly sees a nice card that made him think of you and he wanted to get you. Is that really how you expect me to behave? It wasn’t from me it was from him.
I’m going to pretend you haven’t said this and let you rethink your reaction.
Grow up.

Maybe a text:
"Dear Ex, The next time you visit with our DS, please return the card and explain to him that you are not allowed to have any presents or cards unless Crazy GF picks them out." I am sure he will understand!"

Exactly what Georgia has said,

And to fuck off to the far side of, Cheeky bint

Q - if gf buys the fathers day gifts (even though it’s not her father and your ds should have a say) does that mean exdh doesn’t help ds get you anything for mother’s day? The gf sounds v insecure and controlling.

I think everyone one else has covered it. The GF is way too insecure and controlling, your ex is a pathetic wimp and your DC should be first in all things, does sound like GF is trying very hard to pretend you don't exist

I wonder if the email was from the gf as you said your ex usually communicates by text.

If I was you I would get him to clarify that he actually emailed you this and also point out that as your son’s mother you will make decisions along with your son as to what gift and card he will give his father and not some girlfriend who is just passing through.

I can stand ds' dad.

However, I would have done exactly the same as you. The son asked.

The girlfriend needs to grow the fuck up and realise you are both parents to the child and the child comes first.

In saying that, exhs girlfriend seems obsessed with stalking my Instagram recently. So I might be bias

Also yes, I would be tempted to text him and ask if he is emailing you.

Theres every chance this is actually her. I know lots of relationships where they have open access to eachothers email.

As much I hate exh when I asked him tell his girlfriend, if she is going insa-stalk me could he ask her to be more careful about likking photos from 3 plus years ago. I said she can look if she wants, but the likes is very strange. He did agree with me her behaviour was very strange and spoke to her about it.

GF has him well under her thumb. Whatever about her being pissed off (such petty behaviour), he was ridiculous to email you about it. He should have told her to cop on.

I agree with SofiaAmes . I think it was a bad agreement all along, but your son is now of an age where it is ridiculous. She is not his mother and she is not the one who gets to say what he can and can't buy for his own father.

She also needs to wind her bloody neck in. If this was the other way round and she was his mother and you were the girlfriend I'd still think that it might be an idea to not get too het up about it but understand, but this woman is not even his stepmother and hopefully never will be. Your ex is an arsehole as well if he actually is the person who sent this batshit stupid email.

What a fool he must feel now realising that he’s let the cat out of the bag how much they row about you

She’s a loon, isn’t she? Completely batshit.

I'd buy a "Sorry" card and just write FUCK OFF in it

Is this a unanimous YANBU? That's exciting, I've not had one of these before!

I think ex definitely wrote it but under her instruction. The first email was very rigid as though it had been drafted a few times but the second just made him sound awkward, like he wasn't sure how to respond when asked to justify such ridiculousness.

He hasn't replied to my response. I've just ranted about my crappy day at my boyfriend for half an hour and now I'm going to go and buy a bottle of wine. I feel better for the rant and the 'she's bonkers' comments, thank you vipers

YANBU! She is utterly batshit!! Hope he realises how much of a nut job he's got himself there!

She’s ridiculous and controlling. YANBU

What a nutter! Insecure, much? Why is it considered more appropriate for your ex's GF to buy your son's Fathers Day card/gift?! that makes no sense at all!

She’s being an asshole. Simply reply saying ‘twatty gf is welcome to buy you gifts from the kids however I will not upset my DC by refusing to buy you a card when they were wanting to do a nice thing for you. If you have a problem with it in the future then you can tell DC that you do not want the card/gift etc as it has not been paid for by the appropriate person’

It was his son's idea and she doesn't control his son's feelings or actions - tell him she's an idiot and he's out of order