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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset ExHs GF

378 replies

WanderYonder · 25/06/2019 17:47

TL:DR I bought a card for my ex on behalf of our son and it's upset ex's Gf.

Been separated for 3 years, divorce being finalised any day now. He lives with his GF nearly 2 hours away, DC stays with them every other weekend.

In Sainsbury's a couple of weekends ago with DC (7) and he spotted a blank card with a picture on the front that was a play on his dad's name. Hard to explain, but it wouldn't be amusing to anyone not called by Ex's name (and wasn't that funny anyway but, being 7, to DC it was hilarious).

DC asked to get it for his dad, so we did; and he wrote a little message inside and drew a picture. Ex came to collect last Friday for the weekend and DC gave him the card, all giggly. Ex did appropriate laughy reaction, said thank you, told him he'd keep it by his bed with a picture DC had drawn for him recently. Thought no more of it.

This afternoon I've had an email from Ex, which is unusual because usually we communicate via text. Very formal, and says that he would appreciate it if I refrained from purchasing any more cards for him in the future because his GF "finds it a bit inappropriate". I immediately replied and said I hadn't got him anything; the card was from his son. Got back: "Yes but we agreed a couple of years ago that GF would purchase all gifts and cards on DCs behalf for Father's Day, birthdays etc. so I think GF felt that this wasn't quite sticking to that arrangement".

I feel completely 'Wtaf' about this but I'm in a baaaad mood today anyway and I have a habit of instinctively reacting to things and then calming down and realising I might have misread the situation. So, in the spirit of trying to rein myself in just in case this is one of those times, please tell me if iabu? I'd particularly like to hear from anyone who is with someone else's ex. I've never been in that situation and I don't know, maybe this was wrong somehow?! And if I'm not BU to feel Hmm about this, what do I respond with?

Have nc'd because I'd rather this wasn't linked with my usual name.

OP posts:
Bungalowblues · 25/06/2019 17:59

Celtic1hair has it spot on. Remind him who is important here.

GF is on a power trip. Her attitude is odd given that she isn't his step mum. Confused

SandyY2K · 25/06/2019 18:00

She's so insecure, it's pathetic. I bet she was jealous that he liked it and it was by his bedside.

Of course YANBU.

Such jealous and insecure women should not be with men who have kids... that way, they can ban them from seeing any of their Exs, as they have no reason to do so. Talk about controlling.

I'd be tempted to reply .. DS saw it and because of the name thing, he wanted to get it for you. Next time I'll tell him I can't, as it upset your GF last time.

Saying anything else would be a lie.

The both of them are fools. He should have told her not to be so silly.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 25/06/2019 18:00

I would ask him what exactly you would like to say to your son when a similar situation arises. “Shall I tell him that he can’t buy it because it will upset GF? Or would you like me to use a different phrase?”

PreseaCombatir · 25/06/2019 18:00

If you’ve received this by email, and he usually texts, are you sure it’s not her?
I’d make sure I text him back, to make sure it is him.
I’m also petty, so I’d have to say something like ‘it’s a shame your ds can’t buy you a gift unless your gf says he’s allowed to. I wouldn’t let a partner dictate what type of relationship I can have with my kids, but if that’s what you want to do...’

PettyContractor · 25/06/2019 18:00

You need to make clear that you couldn't give a flying fuck whether father's day was remembered, and you wouldn't have bought the card if child hadn't asked you to.

Saying the card was from the child doesn't convey that it really was his initiative and choice, because that's what people say even when an adult has arranged for the child to give a card.

cuppycakey · 25/06/2019 18:00

I would also respond saying you did not choose or purchase the card, DS chose and bought it with his pocket money. Ask XH if he really wants his GF to tell DS he may not buy things for his own father??? {confused]

Darkstar4855 · 25/06/2019 18:02

YANBU. She is obviously feeling insecure. I have been with my partner 3 years, his ex still takes their 12yo son out to buy Father’s Day, birthday, xmas presents because that’s what he likes to do. I would never dream of interfering. I help out with suggestions or things I have already bought for partner when asked.

Original poster
WanderYonder · 25/06/2019 18:03

Right. Thank you! I have sent a response saying the above: broadly, that this was from DC, not me; that he's old enough to choose his own gifts if he spots them (thank you for those of you who pointed this out, I'd not considered that that arrangement is rather out of step with his age now) and that DC would be very upset to know that this had caused some sort of issue so don't mention it to him (he has form for telling DC inappropriate things if I won't play ball, and I can imagine him directly stating not to do it again because it upset GF).

Gah! Cherry on a shit day. This has really pissed me off.

OP posts:
Weebitawks · 25/06/2019 18:03

“Dear EXh, next time I am in that situation and the DC want to buy you something, I will explain I can’t because your gf is a fucking head case. HTH.”

NeatFreakMama · 25/06/2019 18:03

GF is bonkers and sounds like she's intimidated by you.

NorthernSpirit · 25/06/2019 18:04

She’s completely bonkers.. How old is she 12? She’s jealous and insecure and there’s no need to be.

The kid bought a card for his dad (that’s a lovely gesture).

I’m a DSM I would absolutely love it if my DSC’s mum did this. Instead she’s bitter & vitriolic and would never ever. My OH helps the children buy a Mother’s Day cards, a present etc for her (as it’s for the kids). She would never reciprocate. The kids said they wanted to get daddy something for Father’s Day but she refused. The kids aren’t even ‘allowed’ to bring their own Christmas presents back to mums house. Sad really - it’s not about the adults, it’s for the kids.

He needs to get a pair of balls.

Messyhairday · 25/06/2019 18:04

“I am not going to refuse my son a jokey gift for you because your new girlfriend is threatened by us.”

She’s threatened by you and your son. That’s why she wants to control the gifts from him. Why the hell did you agree to that arrangement?!

nandaandm · 25/06/2019 18:04

I'd buy a "Sorry" card and just write FUCK OFF in it.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/06/2019 18:05

She is nuts and probably very insecure. Maybe there is a reason for that and she will be an ex before long. In the meantime just say that your son wanted to give him the card and and as it was fathers day it is more appropriate for him to choose than his GF. Text him though just in case the email didn't come from him.

SofiaAmes · 25/06/2019 18:05

YANBU.

But did you really agree that the GF would purchase gifts and cards on behalf of your dc's? If you did, I would suggest that you rescind that agreement. It's not reasonable for someone who has no legal connection to the children (if they break up, what then?) to have that authority over your dc's.

funinthesun19 · 25/06/2019 18:05

She’s being a bit silly. It’s just a little card from his son. It’s not like your DS has given him a family photo of the 3 of you in a heart shaped frame for his dad to keep at the side of his bed.

RubberTreePlant · 25/06/2019 18:06

"Oh don't worry. It wasn't a Father's day or Christmas card. It was just something random and funny that DS spotted himself and wanted to get for you. I'm sure GF wouldn't object to random items like that from your son. Sorry for the misunderstanding. All the Best."

Theknacktoflying · 25/06/2019 18:06

That sounds like batty behaviour from the GF

I would really either leave it ( passed time to get involved)
If I was feeling miffed, I would write an e-mail addressed to them both that he is your son and leave it to him to decide what and when to buy cards and gifts for his father

Celtic1hair · 25/06/2019 18:09

Maybe in a couple of days when you feel a bit calmer, you might want to consider if any more of your co-parenting is indirectly influenced by his GFs bizarre behaviour? Trouble is the person who is most concerned about the child & not themselves tend to bend over backwards to facilitate a good relationship... Take this chance to build new boundaries that don't consider her! Honestly no wonder you are annoyed, it was a lovely gesture!

Whatsername7 · 25/06/2019 18:18

Your ex comes accross as spineless in this situation. His child bought him a card and drew him a picture - there is no way it could be innapropriate unless it had a message from you in it. The GF has ruined a lovely moment for your dc and his dad. And he has let her. I'd be angry too, op.

PettyContractor · 25/06/2019 18:18

I would also respond saying you did not choose or purchase the card, DS chose and bought it with his pocket money.

I don't think who pays for it matters. Who chooses it does, but whose idea it was to go and get it is even more important than that. If the OP did the latter, she (rather than DS) is the one behind a nice gesture to Ex, and that's the GF's issue.

Furiosa · 25/06/2019 18:21

I bet the GF kicked off and wrote that email herself while your ex dutifully removed the card from beside his bed and binned it.

dreichuplands · 25/06/2019 18:22

I would have been tempted to reply that you aren't getting involved in the gifts that ds buys his dad and you suggest that gf doesn't either as it isn't either of your relationship.
Ds needs to be allowed to develop his own relationship with his dad without other adults getting in the way.
She is one very insecure lady.

sue51 · 25/06/2019 18:23

Ex and the gf are ridiculous petty people. Do what makes your son happy and ignore their craziness.

Pinkmouse6 · 25/06/2019 18:23

GF sounds bonkers and controlling. Almost as if she can’t accept the fact he had a child with someone else. He’s just as bonkers to go along with it, must be under the thumb...