In Law issues... am I being too sensitive?

[Peppergold]

Can you please offer me some advice.

DD is 14 months old and MIL asked to look after her on Saturday. BIL and SIL (DH's brothers wife) live with PIL but we have always made clear that when she's there it is PIL who are caring for her.

So in the morning SIL text me to ask what time we would be dropping DD off. I didn't message back as it's nothing to do with her. We had made arrangements with PIL that we would bring her round after her morning nap. We were then quizzed when we got there as to why I hadn't replied.

We came to pick DD up in the evening and it turned out that BIL and SIL had took DD out with them to meet some friends who have a child a similar age. They had no right to do this and I am really disappointed in PIL for going along with it.

On its own maybe it is childish of me to feel this way but none of them respect me as DD's Mum and SIL is too pushy. She has to involve her self in everything and I can't stand it. If I send MIL a photo of DD SIL tells MIL to forward it to her. I'm regularly told that I need to let SIL be more involved but I don't feel able to do this because I feel smothered.

At Christmas BIL and SIL bought PIL a calendar that had a photo of DD on for each month. Photos of DD with everyone but me! And a mug for MIL with "Grandma" on it surely this is stuff me and DH should buy, not SIL. She is constantly posting stuff about DD and picture online, if we all go out she obsesses over pushing the pram.

SIL interfered in the christening and then got pissed off when I wouldn't involve her in 1st birthday party. MIL and SIL seem to gang up on me yet they regularly talk behind each other's backs.

It just feels like they overstep the mark but no one sees it. So they tell me she's just being friendly etc. I don't know what to do about it, but it's making me feel upset and pushed into a corner.

Sorry it's so long.

I have NEVER said she is a bad person. Or suggested anything untoward in that way.

No, you haven't, but others in the thread have accused her of grooming your LO. Not saying you've given that nonsense any credence though.

I think they want to have children. She used to go on about it, but then recently says she doesn’t know is she wants them. So who knows. But FIL has said he will not be happy if they have children while living with them.

Well, I think that explains a LOT about her behaviour. She wants children of her own but they aren't in a position to start that chapter of their life yet. It doesn't take a psychologist to work it out. Envy, jealousy, sadness, impatients, fear of being left out or less important, desire to fit in, and probably some genuine enjoyment of having a relationship with a young child and being part of the bigger picture.

She won't understand what it's like to be a parent until she is one. She might look back one day and realise how she crossed boundaries, but a little empathy for her situation will probably help you understand her and deal with it the interim.

impatience, ffs phone

I’d be livid if I left my child with someone and they let someone else take them who knows where without discussing it with me. These days anything could happen. I wouldn’t care if BIL was there too, still could have dropped a text or called to ask and to try to hide it is even worse. The social media picture thing needs to be shut down too. I have two nephews, a niece, and another one on the way and I have never posted pictures of them on social media and neither have my BIL or SIL done the same with our children without asking. Heck, my BIL did a calendar for mil (his mum), but asked us first for pictures to add to the calendar.

Sounds to me she may be using your baby to convince the pil that she would be great at taking care of a child while they are still living with them. She knows that they don’t want them to have children while they’re there, but also knows they likely won’t have the money for their own place anytime soon. I’m curious on how old her nephews are and if she was as involved as she is trying to be now when they were the same age?

Trust your gut. This can and does happen. There is a big age gap between my dad and his brother so my dad and his niece (his brother's daughter) were a similar age. The niece had fertility issues and when I was born there were a lot of horrible comments to my DM. She tried repeatedly to undermine my DM and takeover my care. Unfortunately for the niece I was a grumpy baby and screamed in her presence which she became angry at as I wasnt fulfilling her fantasy of what a baby should be. Still no amount of contact or involvement was good enough for her. This escalated to a unwarranted 'anonymous' call to social services about me allegedly being abused. My parents were unaware until SS visited the house. They of course couldn't disclose the details of the allegation but did tell my DM the call box where the call came from- right outside the niece's place of work. They went NC after that. SIL is trying to budge you out and budge herself in, and it sounds like MIL is happy to let her do it. Distance yourselves and decline future visits or requests to care for DD. Do not leave her unsupervised with BIL, SIL or PIL.

I wonder if MIL was pressured to organize babysitting because SIL wanted to take her out and play dollies? How did she take her out? In a car with a suitable car seat? Why do they have a car seat? Why is she taking family photos holding your child when you are not in them? I wouldn’t trust PIL or SIL as far as I could spit them. You should have been asked if it was ok for SIL to take your baby out. Your PIL should have known where they were!!! They are not respecting their duty of care, let alone your boundaries!!!

@IABUQueen It’s just frustrating and a little upsetting that when she has children she will be able to fully enjoy it. Yet my first time as a Mum has been affected by her and the other in laws.

I was all set to say you were being unreasonable until I read about them taking your child out to meet people you'd never met, without asking if it's ok. That's just not cricket and combined with the calendar, the mug, the overbearingness, posting to social media and just general boundary overstepping I don't think YABU at all. That's weird behaviour and I wouldn't like it all.

I suspect your SIL is desperate for a child of her own - sadly I have been there and it's not a happy place. However, she is being overbearing and overstepping the boundaries.

You talk a lot about her not getting to know you - what have you done to get to know her? By not returning her text maybe you are coming across as unfriendly. How close do they live to you? Have you tried extending the hand of friendship (aside from inviting her and BIL to dinner) ?

I think you are being a little precious about the situation and it's in danger of escalating. Maybe adult conversations needed all round.

@Singingfairy14 I understand that. And have tried to be welcoming to SIL. But over time I have not had a good response from her with regards to building a friendship and it has become suffocating. When we see other family members in a group she is constantly (not exaggerating!) trying to tell them stuff DD has been doing before I can. We go to DH’s grandparents and when we tell them about DD or show photos a lot of the time they’re like oh yes we have already seen these etc because SIL has shown them! She is constantly treading on my toes and I know for a fact that she wouldn’t want me involved with her children if she has them.

@LizzieLookAtTheFlowers But that’s not my fault that they’re in that situation. Why be nasty and try to take away some of my enjoyment of being a Mum.

@phoenixrosehere If SIL had asked us about the calendar then I wouldn’t have been over the moon but at least it would have seemed more normal. But to do it without telling us and then deliberately put lots of photos of her and DD in but none of me seems obviously intentional. One nephew is a baby and the other about 5 I think.

@blackcat86 Yes it does seem that way unfortunately. I think she wants to use DD to impress PIL and other family. It’s completely desperate and I should feel sorry for her but I just can’t when she has made me feel so bad.

@justilou1 Yes they took her out in their car using the child seat from PIL’s car. She has a bit of an obsession with social media, always posting stuff on various platforms. The only bit of relief is seeing the photos online and knowing it took 50 goes for her to get a good one!

I take back what I suggested before. Clearly a comversation isn't going to work!

Step back. Have PILs round at yours to see dd, and keep sil out of it as far as you can. Obviously the mum of her nephews has got the measure of her!

Why are bil and sil living with your PILs? Is that likely to change or are they in the process of putting a strong claim on the house as their inheritance!?

@DeadButDelicious It isn’t one thing, it is all the things combined that make it suffocating. Ridiculous things such as if we buy DD a new toy she quizzes MIL about it, same with the clothes DD wears. It’s just bizarre and the more I think about it the more frustrated I get.

@Jakadaal We live in the same city. Yes I am not saying it is all down to her - we are very different people. But BIL comes over for a catch up, dinner, takeaway etc. But she has never wanted to. Even from the very beginning. We once arrange to meet up with them for dinner and only BIL turned up because he said she had gone out with friends instead. So we genuinely have tried. Have had them for Christmas dinner, New Year, Easter. I can’t see much more we could have done.

@Jux They have moved to and from PIL’s a few times now. Mostly they move out, decide they can’t afford the rent then move back! They are supposedly saving but considering the amount of times they go on holiday and weekends away I don’t think anyone expects it to be anytime soon.

Sounds like she uses your daughter as an accessory! I would be raging if i entrusted my toddler to someone and they then allowed them to be taken out somewhere unknown by others without my knowledge. It is up to me to decide if I think someone is capable of looking after my child the way I want them too.
Wrt the nappy changes . Nope there is no need at all for randoms doing that level of personal care when the grandmother who is actually the one who is being trusted with babysitting is there to do it. Yanbu.

@Hellshotforgoodreason Thank you. I’m glad you think so - I’m baffled that other posters were so convinced that SIL should be allowed to change DD’s nappies! Most people would be happy not to have to!

I think if she cba to make an effort with the parents then she doesn't get to play dollies with her niece.

It's sad if PIls can no longer be trusted, but really-what were they thinking?

@diddl That’s how I feel. Also why does she want to be close to DD if she doesn’t even like me and DH. PIL just did it to try and keep everyone happy. That’s what they always do. Tell us one thing, and SIL another.

AIBU
I’m not particularly close to my sister in law. I don’t know her all that well. WIBU to ask MIL to to ask SIL if she can babysit but then take the baby out myself to meet up with some friends without SIL knowing??

How batshit does that sound? And I don’t know who would say she’s being reasonable if a post like that cropped up!

Op YANBU. I’m not particularly precious but I wouldn’t let anyone I barely know look after my baby. That includes any family members.

My SIL has just had a baby, I don’t know her that well. I can’t imagine expecting to be able to babysit her child or ask to look after her. Because I’m normal!

@fiydwi Same here. I wouldn’t have expected to look after her baby if they’d had kids first. But she just wants her own way, doesn’t care how it makes me feel. There was a big kick off when DD was about 6/7 months old when PIL were supposed to babysit DD at ours but MIL was poorly so they rang and said no problem tho BIL and SIL will do it instead. DH said no it’s ok, and my parents babysat instead. PIL got really mad about this and said they had made alternative arrangements and we were just being awkward?! It was about a month of silent treatments then they just popped up again as though nothing had happened.

I'm in two minds here. I have a very strong-minded SIL myself, who I've locked horns with numerous times, most notably when she told me straight out that DH and I shouldn't have IVF because of the 'spare embryos'. (There weren't any embryos at all in the end, as I didn't produce any eggs.) She and I also disagree on everything; she's pro-Brexit, anti-choice etc.

OTOH, she never oversteps the mark where our 2 adopted DDs of 10 and 7 are concerned. I'm therefore very happy to allow her and my BIL (DH's DB) to have them stay for sleepovers with their cousins. I'm also a very devoted Auntie myself, and DH and I have often had our nephews and nieces to stay for sleepovers with my DDs.

So I do think it's a shame not to include aunties and uncles in a child's life. But there needs to be a high level of trust between them and their nephew or niece's parents for this to happen. You can't expect to have that if you undermine the parents and go behind their backs.

And I agree that your SIL's behaviour towards your DD is far too pushy.

I do have to say that my relationship with my DSis's DC is much closer than that with my BIL and SIL's DC, mainly because I'm much closer to my DSis. It's inevitable that this will be the case.

@Lizzie3869 SIL has been welcome to be an Aunty to DD. But she has overstepped the boundaries which has made me pull back. And why be so awkward to me and DH when we have tried to make a friendship with her. This goes back to DD being a newborn, it’s not a recent thing. She seemed to think she could just become overly involved with DD without actually bothering with DD’s parents.

As I said, I agree with you that your SIL has been far too pushy.

" PIL got really mad about this and said they had made alternative arrangements and we were just being awkward?! It was about a month of silent treatments then they just popped up again as though nothing had happened."

I couldn't be doing with that shit.

They don't get to decide who babysits your child!

Nice to offer an alternative for if you couldn't find one, put if BIL & SIL were living with them at the time, it was hardly any effort on their part.

They do seem to be intent on facilitating SIL havin your daughter!

Was MIL really ill?

Not sure why some posters are so arsey towards OP! I totally get the frustration regarding SIL. She’s engaging in some sort of power play that OP doesn’t even want. Maybe she feels that OP usurped her by bringing the first GC into the family. So, she is trying to take over and push OP out. It’s fine not to have anything in common with an in-law, providing you treat one another with respect. But SIL is being disrespectful and tries to undermine OP. I would invite just PIL over to yours in future for some one on one time. Be direct about it that you want your Dd to have a close relationship with her grandparents. If this is at your home, you have far more control of the situation. If you get on alright with BIL then tell him diplomatically that his wife needs to back off a little. Don’t be too meek for fear of a confrontation and just set some firm boundaries.

@diddl Yes MIL was ill. PIL just said they were trying to be helpful by providing an alternative which we said we appreciated but that my parents were happy to babysit. It seems that way, but MIL only lets SIL do stuff she doesn’t want to. So if MIL wants to push the pram for example she will soon make that clear to SIL. But with me they seem to gang up together. It’s like MIL likes pulling rank about DD with SIL but obviously can’t do that with me. And after writing this, it’s made me wonder if MIL likes being the one to give SIL the “opportunity” of looking after DD