In Law issues... am I being too sensitive?

[Peppergold]

Can you please offer me some advice.

DD is 14 months old and MIL asked to look after her on Saturday. BIL and SIL (DH's brothers wife) live with PIL but we have always made clear that when she's there it is PIL who are caring for her.

So in the morning SIL text me to ask what time we would be dropping DD off. I didn't message back as it's nothing to do with her. We had made arrangements with PIL that we would bring her round after her morning nap. We were then quizzed when we got there as to why I hadn't replied.

We came to pick DD up in the evening and it turned out that BIL and SIL had took DD out with them to meet some friends who have a child a similar age. They had no right to do this and I am really disappointed in PIL for going along with it.

On its own maybe it is childish of me to feel this way but none of them respect me as DD's Mum and SIL is too pushy. She has to involve her self in everything and I can't stand it. If I send MIL a photo of DD SIL tells MIL to forward it to her. I'm regularly told that I need to let SIL be more involved but I don't feel able to do this because I feel smothered.

At Christmas BIL and SIL bought PIL a calendar that had a photo of DD on for each month. Photos of DD with everyone but me! And a mug for MIL with "Grandma" on it surely this is stuff me and DH should buy, not SIL. She is constantly posting stuff about DD and picture online, if we all go out she obsesses over pushing the pram.

SIL interfered in the christening and then got pissed off when I wouldn't involve her in 1st birthday party. MIL and SIL seem to gang up on me yet they regularly talk behind each other's backs.

It just feels like they overstep the mark but no one sees it. So they tell me she's just being friendly etc. I don't know what to do about it, but it's making me feel upset and pushed into a corner.

Sorry it's so long.

@Isatis But MIL asked to look after DD! We didn’t need childcare, she asked. So obviously I would expect her to be able to cope with DD’s personal care.

Well even if Op doesn't like her SIL-so what?

There was no arrangement for her to be looking after Op's daughter at all anyway.

Tbh, someone I disliked probably wouldn't be on my list of people to leave my PFB with!

@zweifler1 Because MIL asked to look after DD. MIL is perfectly capable of changing nappies. SIL doesn’t need to be involved with that at all. What’s so difficult to understand.

@Isatis changing nappies isn't exactly hard work when you're having the child for one day and you've specifically asked to have the child 🙄

I can also understand why OP only wants MIL changing nappies. I wouldn't want my BIL/SIL changing my LOs nappies either...

@justasking111 Yes she is. I think she assumed they’d be the first to have children because when we told people I was pregnant she was not pleased.

@diddl That’s how I feel. If I said PIL couldn’t look after DD with SIL there then in be accused of being controlling. So I can’t win.

@Peppergold could you share a bit more about what SIL did in terms of the christening and your daughter's first birthday?

I'm guessing lots of the posters piling on you missed that bit of your OP.

I wouldn’t be ok with the sil sidestepping me as the parent. But I’d pick my battles as ultimately I should do what’s best for my dd to make sure she is cared for and loved.

I would be civil with sil and would’ve replied to the message “oh, let me call mil and agree on a time with her”.

Don’t just ignore her.

Perhaps she didn’t include you in the calendar because she didn’t ask your permission. Perhaps she didn’t ask ur permission because she knew you would say no. Or sometimes people have too much ego to ask for permission and get told no. It might not be personal.

I would guide the relationship with DD and then by letting them know politely : “plz let me know before you take my dd out. I want my dd to spend time with her grandma and don’t want her missing out”.

And I would tell mil privately with she around “sil doesn’t have experience with kids, and I don’t know her well enough to know if she understand what my child needs and how we choose to parent her. So I cannot have her take my child away in my absence and your absence. I would like you or I be supervising the child as ultimately I am very specific with who I entrust with this responsibility”.

I know how you feel op. Sil sounds overbearing. But you need to be more diplomatic as i don’t think she realizes the extent of what she is doing and it’s unlikely she will understand until she has a child of her own or if mil and fil are on same page as you.

If u go protective and aggressive she will just translate that as you are excluding her on purpose.

It’s tricky.. I’d just not send my child without me to be honest..

yes but MIL has made it clear that she cannot be trusted to safeguard your child when you are not around. This isn't just about SIL, this is about BIL and MIL refusing to follow your lead too.

If they let SIL take her out, they are letting her change her nappy.

The only question here is what are you really afraid of. If you are really concerned about boundary overstep then you'll set boundaries with both MIL and SIL. If you are just concerned with SIL winning then you'll continue to articulate silly rules that no one will follow.

My siblings often drop the kids off to my mum’s. Then mum will phone me to come around as she’s not physically strong enough to change / look after them. Your mil probably called them no matter what she says - which suggests she probably can’t cope with the child.

No they don’t always defer to her as such. But they said at the start that I should let SIL be as involved as possible because they didn’t want her to feel left out. Which is fine, but they all seem happy to leave me out! It’s ridiculous.

Why should the OP let her be as involved as possible when she treats you like shit?

How's Child is it anyway? As a pp said, she's not a doll to be passed around

I think next time your mil asks to have dd just say that you have separation anxiety and can’t.

She doesn’t sound like she is on the same page as you and if her and sil gang up on you most likely she won’t respect your rules.

When I had my ds my SIL (Dh sister) haunted me. She spent an entire day here every week. Dh was at work so it was just SIL ds and me. She’s sit on my couch and hold him for hours. I didn’t particularly want her every week but I was always welcoming and friendly and let her hold him as long as she wanted.

Then she got pregnant and stopped visiting altogether. Her baby is 1 and I’ve never ever been allowed to hold him. She has treated me like a leper with regards to him. Even when PILs had her baby they’d strap him into his buggy the minute we walked in and say oh he needs to sleep now. He was always awake.

I was so willing and happy to let them hold and feed and play with ds and they have treated me horribly with that baby.

If I have another baby🤞 I plan to treat her exactly the way she has treated me.

Your SIL wants to have a relationship with your baby. Maybe she is a little ott but don’t be a dick op. Let her be involved.

I don't normally post on AIBU but I'm an aunt (to my DBrother's & SiL's child and just for background - DH & I are childfree by choice). I love my nephew to bits and have taken him on a playdate with my friends who have children. However, that was with his parent's full knowledge. Whenever I have DNephew my SiL knows exactly where we are planning on going, who we will be with because I always tell them beforehand. I know she trusts me (and I don't take that lightly) and I don't need to but she's his Mum.

I NEVER post pictures of him on SM (I know SiL would be ok if I did, but I choose not to). There have been 1 or 2 occassions where I haven't fully agreed with their parenting choices but that's THEIR decision because he is their child.

OP - your child, your rules. It's that simple. If PiL can't be trusted to respect your (very reasonable) requests then have a conversation explaining that you need to know who your child is with and where and until you can trust them, DD won't be left with them and since you don't know where the pictures you send could end up you will stop sending pictures of DD.

As for SiL, she sounds completely over the top. She isn't respecting your wishes for your child at all. If possible I would have a conversation where you & DH sit down with her and BiL and set out clearly that their behaviour is unacceptable. If that would be difficult then maybe you could write a letter.

I would also be very clear that you are not giving consent for her to post pictures of your DD on social media without your consent.

Stay strong OP and don't let them make you feel like you are in the wrong. You are not.

Gilbert1A
I made that comment and I 100% stand by it.

Reading more of your posts, I would say the issue is that you feel you can't stand up to SIL either.

You need to.

MIL will be annoyed? So what? You think she's going to fall out with you and not see her GD?

You need to start with what just happened.

'SIL, I want to let you know that we weren't happy with finding out that you took DD out the other day once we'd left. You could easily have asked us and you should have done. We'd left her with PIL, you waited til we'd gone then took her out. Don't do that again.'

You need your DH on side though.

And he does need to let his brother know that she is beginning to piss you both off and if she pushes much further, she'll see less of DD.

I'm regularly told that I need to let SIL be more involved 😂

No, you don’t.

Does SIL know she is not allowed to change DD? DId you tell her or secretly tell MIL?

Also what does DH think? This is important and I dont think you've answered it.

OP you should absolutely trust your gut feelings on this. Whatever your SIL's motives are, she is causing you anxiety and she is massively disrespectful. Also the fact that MIL isn't able to pull her up is a red flag so effectively SIL gets to do whatever she likes.

There's no way I'd be leaving my child there for many more years.

@newmomof1 Yes, some posters seem to keep missing this. MIL is the one that asked to have DD. We didn’t ask her or need childcare.

@ILoveYou3000 I will probably get insulted and told this is silly as well but... She was just controlling with the christening. Loads of things. Wanted to be Godmother and told anyone who’d listen that we were being nasty not to ask her whilst being rude about the people we had asked. Wanted to be involved in everything, constantly messaging me to ask about arrangements, what cake she thought we should choose etc. Then insulted the venue we’d chosen for the little party afterwards. Then claimed she didn’t know why people have theirs kids christened! So why had she wanted to be godmother! When we were discussing who to invite she told DH’s grandmother we might not invite all his aunts/uncles who then got upset about that. It was not SILs place to go telling people things before we had decided.

YABU, SIL sounds like a lovely, caring, excited involved auntie who your LO is lucky to have. Your LO is actually the important one in this scenario, and you are being petty and possessive and trying to block her from having a relationship with a loving auntie for no tangible reason.

The calendar wasn't a deliberate slight against you, she put together a photo collection for her parents because she is happy and proud for her family. It's a bit OTT for an auntie but it sounds like excitement and over-exuberance about loving her niece and her new role as auntie and her parents' new roles as grandparents - she isn't being malicious.

I think you need to take a step back, stop feeling like people are trying to step on your toes and stop being so uptight. Your daughter is lucky to have such loving, involved family.

The OP is very focused on the SIL as if the BIL doesn't exist. They hardly know SIL, well they know BIL so is it OK if she knows the person or not? If not then it isn't relevant that she hardly knows the SIL as she clearly does know the BIL and he was also out with the baby.

This is a very good point which most people (including me) have overlooked. BIL and your DH get on well, meet up regularly with the other child, and he's your child's blood relative. To me that puts a different light on things to a degree.

@LizzieLookAtTheFlowers are you the SiL?

@UserUndone Yes I need to talk to all of them I think. It’s hard to explain but MIL does pull her up on some stuff. But then in other ways seem to pussy foot around her. Mostly so it doesn’t upset BIL I think.

@zweifler1 Yes SIL does know this. That’s why it’s so weird. It’s like she does stuff deliberately knowing it will upset me. And why would someone be so bothered about changing a babies nappy!

DH doesn’t particularly like her. He finds her too much as well and says she tries too hard that it is fake.