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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being a bit miserable on holiday?

236 replies

TheGoogleMum · 25/06/2019 00:38

On holiday in Devon with parents, DH and baby (7 months). Its our first holiday with the baby (and parents kindly paid for the accommodation), but DH is being a bit miserable saying he doesn't really fancy doing anything and he has suggested the rest of us go out while he stays home tomorrow (he brought his ps4!). I know it's his holiday too but aibu for thinking he is being a bit miserable? Tbh I was really looking forward to spending time together as a family. Might not bother with UK breaks with him in future :s it isn't something we've done often as a couple to be fair so i guess it isnt his thing. He gets on fine with my parents so that isn't the problem. Going on walks isn't really something we get excited about so he's feeling like there isnt much he wants to do, but he doesn't really try and think of anything

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 25/06/2019 10:24

Yeah, 1795, the latest research

I’m presuming you’ve thoroughly appraised yourself of all the current research into gaming?

Sparkledot · 25/06/2019 10:31

I don't think he's BU if he wants to take 1 day out to play his PS4 as long as he's joining in on other things.

I take my ps4 on cottage holidays all the time, I sometimes take my switch, iPad, kindle and personal hobbies too. None of my family have an issue with this But I do obviously spend time with them, either going out or playing games/watching movies together. I can't understand why people have an issue with adults who play games. Seems a waste of energy.

I8toys · 25/06/2019 10:39

Taking the PS4 on holiday is a little extreme. Fair enough for downtime at home but when its family time - unacceptable. Its a short time to be present with you and his family.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 25/06/2019 10:43

I don't get why bothered going if he's just going to play the PS4 and not get involved. He should have stayed home.

Juells · 25/06/2019 10:53

I don't get why bothered going if he's just going to play the PS4 and not get involved. He should have stayed home.

Maybe he'd have preferred to stay at home, but the holiday was arranged around him? That's how holidays always were, for me - someone else's idea of what would be enjoyable, followed by a miserable week of sight-seeing, driving miles, having picnics, sitting on beaches, all thoroughly miserable as far as I was concerned, but I gritted my teeth and bore it for years. Eventually refused to go, and stayed at home and read and watched TV instead.

joystir59 · 25/06/2019 10:54

My idea of hell would be a holiday with either set of parents. It wouldn't be a holiday for me, I would feel 'on duty' and would absurdly crave time with just my wife and baby or, failing that, alone.

BarbarianMum · 25/06/2019 10:54

I could live with him staying behind and gaming 1 day out of 7 but I'd expect him to be fully - engaged for the other 6. And you should def be getting some "me" time in return.

Cookit · 25/06/2019 11:01

Maybe he'd have preferred to stay at home, but the holiday was arranged around him? That's how holidays always were, for me - someone else's idea of what would be enjoyable, followed by a miserable week of sight-seeing, driving miles, having picnics, sitting on beaches, all thoroughly miserable as far as I was concerned, but I gritted my teeth and bore it for years.

Yes these were my holidays growing up. Picnics in the drizzle, stately homes, freezing cold beaches. The same arguments about cooking dinner and doing the dishes as at home.

All fine really as they were my parents’ holidays and so they got to choose what they wanted to do but but why as an adult I would not make the choice to go on holiday with my parents. If it’s not his type of holiday it’s really not a “holiday” for him is it, it’s a week of spending time with his ILs doing the kind of thing they want to do.

CookPassBabtridge · 25/06/2019 11:04

My idea of a holiday doesn't involve anyone apart from my little family i.e. me, dp and kids. We've done holidays with family/ friends and never been able to relax. I don't blame him for letting you get on with it with your parents but he needs to do equal work with baby while you're away.

MistIntheMust · 25/06/2019 11:05

Haha,

Love the Mumsnet hypocrisy:

Mumsnetting on holiday = OK
Gaming on holiday = NOT OK

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/06/2019 11:12

@juells

Maybe he'd have preferred to stay at home, but the holiday was arranged around him? That's how holidays always were, for me - someone else's idea of what would be enjoyable, followed by a miserable week of sight-seeing, driving miles, having picnics, sitting on beaches, all thoroughly miserable as far as I was concerned, but I gritted my teeth and bore it for years. Eventually refused to go, and stayed at home and read and watched TV instead

In this scenario - what you’re describing is you not enjoying family life but instead preferring to be on your own.

Fair enough. But you did stick with it and then presumably changes when the children were older?

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/06/2019 11:13

@MistIntheMust
But mumsnetting can be a quick 15 min squizz whilst you make a round of tea.
Gaming can’t.

BowiesJumper · 25/06/2019 11:15

I'd be pretty pissed off if my husband did this. He brought his PS4 on holiday? I find that a bit odd... and he doesn't want to spend time with his wife and child? Again, odd. I'd be telling him to buck up.

JacquesHammer · 25/06/2019 11:15

But mumsnetting can be a quick 15 min squizz whilst you make a round of tea.
Gaming can’t

He isn’t suggesting do it in and amongst other things (which I assume is what the OP was doing).

He’s saying “actually I want a day to myself”. I just couldn’t get worked up about another adult wanting to enjoy their holiday in a different way.

Sparklfairy · 25/06/2019 11:16

I can relate OP. I was kindly invited to my bf's DF trip away to a UK holiday camp for a big birthday. Bf was thoroughly miserable the whole trip. Took his ps4 and sloped off avoiding any time or activities with the huge number of extended family that had come, most of whom I had never met. Of course, he always managed to surface for the meals that would be paid for by his DF Hmm

Worse, I gave him money for my half of a birthday gift, but he 'forgot' so we turned up without even a card. Didn't tell me until the last minute and I was utterly horrified.

Sitting in a bar on my own as I didn't know where the group were and didn't know them well enough to have their numbers was a low point.

One time I managed to drag him out of his pit away from the bloody ps4 to a bar for an afternoon drink with the whole family. He took the drink, paid for by DF, and proceeded to deliberately sit on the opposite side of bar away from the rest of the group! I was really young but I was sorely tempted to loudly say how rude he was and sit with his family instead. Sadly I wasn't brave enough. He finished his drink and went straight back to his ps4. In hindsight he had/has a problem and was a greedy selfish user of a man in his 30s living with his dad rent free

It was awful. Based on my experience, the ps4 is anti social. I wouldn't take myself off to read a book on holiday, only if we were all on the beach or something. It would be rude to pull out a book in a coffee shop when in company though!

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/06/2019 11:24

@JacquesHammer.
I think you’ve misunderstood my post

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/06/2019 11:25

I meant- going on mumsnet can’t be compared with gaming

Gaming takes up much more time generally (this guy certainly intended to) and can’t be compared with something that can be quickly referred to whilst making a cuppa!

JacquesHammer · 25/06/2019 11:26

I think you’ve misunderstood my post

You were saying gaming was unlike MN because it’s a longer activity. However when people MN they drop in and out throughout the day - maybe when they are with other members of the family.

Why is MNing at points throughout the day better than someone saying “I want some alone time” and then doing their hobby?

JacquesHammer · 25/06/2019 11:27

Cross post. I knew what you meant, I just don’t agree Smile

QuestionableMouse · 25/06/2019 11:31

I went on holiday with my sister and her kids recently and by midweek I needed a day to myself. My BIL came down for a visit and I happily waved them all off to the zoo while I pottered around the site and caravan.

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/06/2019 11:34

Why is MNing at points throughout the day better than someone saying “I want some alone time” and then doing their hobby?

Not a question of being “better” per se
But certainly more conducive with w family holiday. Dipping in and out when you pop to the toilet, making a cuppa (for others as well as yourself!), queuing for an ice cream, running a bath in for your baby - all stuff you can do whilst having a quick mumsnet

Can’t do anything other than game when you game

ElizaPancakes · 25/06/2019 11:35

Loads of people won't own up to the fact that they're projecting their situations on the bare minimum of info that OP has provided.

I mean, if you can make a scenario that he's a shit dad obsessed with the playstation who doesn't help with the baby, then I can make up a situation of a paramedic who works 12 hour shifts and since the baby was born hasn't had much down time so has taken the PS4 along for one day of uninterrupted down time of his own choosing. Maybe OP regularly has her parents take the baby while she's on mat leave and spends it in coffee shops or gaming on her apparently superior Switch. No one knows.

FWIW I have begged off holiday walks with my mum before because I don't like it. I have spent the time reading. Not sure that it's much different? And I know @Costacoffeeplease will probably jump on that, the reason I say that is we have no idea if this is a one off or if this is a pattern of behaviour. We have no idea if the DH is planning on gaming all day and all night or if he'll switch it off when they get back. We have no idea if he's downloaded some films for them to watch in the evening.

So yeah, based entirely on the OP, YABU.

Peanutbutterforever · 25/06/2019 11:35

Poor chap! He's on holiday with YOUR parents. Assuming he's doing his share of parenting, let him relax how he wants to. You sound rather controlling.

JacquesHammer · 25/06/2019 11:37

But certainly more conducive with w family holiday. Dipping in and out when you pop to the toilet, making a cuppa (for others as well as yourself!), queuing for an ice cream, running a bath in for your baby - all stuff you can do whilst having a quick mumsnet

For me that appears way more antisocial.

Can’t do anything other than game when you game

Course you can if you choose. The issue is that OP’s H wants a day to himself. I can’t see why anyone would object.

blackteasplease · 25/06/2019 11:40

Does he realise that once you have kids going on holiday isn't about doing what you "fancy" all the time? Also just any holiday you've agreed to go on with other people, although perhaps not to the same extent

He's being rude and selfish imo.

Taking the baby out in the fresh air whether for walks to the beach or whether should be iimportant to him, as should.spending time with you.

Yes you can tag team so everyone gets a break but not just one person dropping out!